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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

THANK YOU

45 replies

NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 29/12/2008 12:40

I had my thread deleted but I just wanted to say thank you.

It is definitely finished as he felt we couldn't just be friends.

My DDDDDDDDDDDH has forgiven me and while I broke my heart this morning and cried my eyes out in the car park, I know it is over, for the best and I assume eventually it will hurt less.

OP posts:
mellyonion · 29/12/2008 12:42

big hug for you NAB....((((()))))

i hope you find happiness within yourself soon. xxx

honestfriend · 29/12/2008 13:01

I hope you are okay.

I just wanted to say that I am 20 yrs further down the line to you. We did take it further than being friends, then we both backed off to save my DCs from upset- but after a lot of talking and thinking in the 15 years since then, we are able to remain good friends. We acknowledge what may have been lost, both have regrets, but also acknowledge why I couldn't put my DCs through an upset.

I am sure you have done the right thing for you now, but there may be a point in the future, when you feel more distanced, when you can be genuine friends, as you now know what you can and cannot do.

I did try to CAT you but we both have to be registered to do that.

Good luck.

bellavita · 29/12/2008 13:04

Oh NAB - well done.

It will get easier, I think in some ways it will be like a bereavement for you.

Best wishes xx

Original poster
NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 29/12/2008 13:05

I can receive CATs afaik.

I know tmw will be hard as I am alone all day but he hasn't answered my last messages so it really isn't going to work out with us being friends now, or ever I guess. He is stronger than me.

OP posts:
Original poster
NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 29/12/2008 13:06

It is nice to fell I have done the right thing for once and I guess I will smile again one day.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 29/12/2008 13:07

you have to start accepting he is not a part of your life anymore, and to try to be happy within yourself and your marriage,

Original poster
NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 29/12/2008 13:22

That is the mad thing. I was totally happy with my marriage and still am. No one else got to me like he did.

OP posts:
honestfriend · 29/12/2008 13:29

NAB- you have to accept that you can feel love or whatever for more than one person- or i think so anyway- but you can only live with one person. You chose your DH as this other man was not available. If you really have decided it is over once and for all, please try to stop torturing yourself over what might have been. I spent years doing that- and until you decide that it really is " no go" then you cannot leave it behind. I felt that I couldn't let it go altogether, but I am very careful to keep contact down, as I know that with more, I would start to feel overly involved again.
You WILL feel better, but you have to try to shut down any thoughts on it- and I suggest you don't keep posting or the whole thread will grow again!

Chin up!

Original poster
NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 29/12/2008 13:41

You are right. I am sure it will eventually stop hurting.

Have a horrendous court case coming up in the nest 1-2 years so at least my mind will be else where

OP posts:
Original poster
NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 29/12/2008 15:23

For those that said he was a twunt and not very nice - he has told me he can't lead a double life so he CAN dop the right thing.

OP posts:
lou031205 · 29/12/2008 15:46

NAB - I am so glad that you have sorted things. I did post on your other thread, but I don't know if you read it before it was deleted.

I hope things heal over much quicker than you expect. You will be able to give your children wise advice when they are older!

Original poster
NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 29/12/2008 15:51

He just emailed to say he hasn't stopped thinking about me (I asked him how he was managing to carry on) but he can not lead a double life as it isn' him. It isn't me either now I am married. When I was younger I cheated on most of my boyfriends with him but it didn't feel bad as it was always him and they usually knew anyway or at least how I felt about him.

It is a miniscule bit better. Building on that.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 29/12/2008 16:04

am sorry nab, but him emailing to say he can;t stop thinking about you is twuntish. he is fanning the flames , you need a clean break, you can;t maintain a happy and fulfilled marriage with him in the back ground, 'doing the right thing' but actually letting oyu know that his passion still runs deep for you

Original poster
NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 29/12/2008 16:05

He was answering a question to be fair. It is me that is being an idiot. He has only answered one message out of several. I will let it go but it is only day one and going cold turkey is harder than I thought. I have lost a friend too.

OP posts:
Flihgtattendant · 29/12/2008 16:07

It sounds like he was a sort of father figure maybe? I think that's what I felt towards my 'big love' a few years ago. It was like he was the earth, everything else was built with him under it/in the background, everything else could fall down but he would still be there.

Flihgtattendant · 29/12/2008 16:08

So when I had other brief boyfriends, while he was rejecting any commitment to me, I felt like I was cheating on them, but not on him. I didn't care about them so I wasn't giving them anything proper.

Original poster
NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 29/12/2008 16:08

Not a father figure but the first person in the whole of my life to care about me and that includes family.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 29/12/2008 16:09

you need to say goodbye, and that has to be it. anything else is prolonging the agony and making the likelihood of soemthing bad happening much greater.

Original poster
NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 29/12/2008 16:10

I am putting myself through pain which is stupid but hey, at least it has taken my mind off having depression.

OP posts:
Original poster
NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 29/12/2008 16:10

we have said good bye.

but it hasn't sunk in yet

OP posts:
snoringnightmare · 29/12/2008 16:15

It will get better eventually. Just hang onto that thought.

Lulumama · 29/12/2008 16:16

you are getting help with the depression though?

you have said goodbye, now is the hard bit, no more contact.

Northumberlandlass · 29/12/2008 16:34

Hiya Nab, just thought I would jump in (hope you don't mind) - I was in the exact situation as you last year and we made the same decision and you and your ex - we cut contact. That has been it since June 2008. I haven't heard from him and I haven't tried to contact him. Yes, it hurt like fuck - but it is loads better now. It was absolutely the best thing to do !! I can see that now.

to you]]]]]]]]

NAB3lovelychildren · 29/12/2008 16:48

He is unable to answer his emails for a certain amount of time, and I won't text him, so let's hope that works.

char1eysaunt · 30/12/2008 11:38

NAB I followed your earlier thread with interest and was tempted to post but didn't. This happened to me 2 years ago. Unlike you neither of us was strong enough to resist. I know neither of us will leave our partners but inspite of that we do love each other. However, the whole thing is doing my head in big time and I know I need to pull away which is very hard. What I am saying to you is you are 100% doing the right thing, however painful it may be now. It would only get worse as time went on.

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