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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

THANK YOU

45 replies

NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 29/12/2008 12:40

I had my thread deleted but I just wanted to say thank you.

It is definitely finished as he felt we couldn't just be friends.

My DDDDDDDDDDDH has forgiven me and while I broke my heart this morning and cried my eyes out in the car park, I know it is over, for the best and I assume eventually it will hurt less.

OP posts:

NAB3lovelychildren · 30/12/2008 13:36

Well I am crap as I texted him this morning but as expected no response. I emailed him to say sorry which he will get next week and I have no idea whether I want a sorry back or any kind of reply at all. I have just found out where he lives but will not send anything as he is married. I was curious whether his name would come up.

I feel crap he can do this. I feel crap that I cared still. I feel crap that I am not strong enough to not care. I feel crap that he can't be my friend.

Northumberlandlass · 30/12/2008 14:12

Nab - don't beat yourself up about this. But, STOP CONTACT now - I know you've said that you've sent the last text. How many last texts are you planning to send ? I'm not being nasty, I just know the score. I know how it feels. As soon as you sent the text, you knew it was the wrong thing to do, didn't you?

Please be strong. I know this hurts, physically. I felt like I was breaking inside. Charley is absolutely right, the longer it drags on the harder it will be.

I do truly feel for you. Not getting in touch with my ex (OM / whatever) is the hardest thing I've ever done. But I look back now and know it was the right thing to do.

xxx

NAB3lovelychildren · 30/12/2008 14:15

No more.

Will have to come on here and post instead. No one else has ever got to me like this. I now can see exactly why none of my previous relationships worked and I married the one I was with when I heard he was married. I don't regret that as he is fantastic, I just wish I had sent a card as I would have then found out he wasn't married.....

All if only's.

honestfriend · 30/12/2008 14:32

NAB- why can he not be friends?

My ex and I are very open about the fact that we still fancy each other- we make jokes about it when/if we speak etc- but we have AGREED that it cannot have a place in our friendship.

It is a fine line to tread- and it has taken us 35+ years to get to this stage.

I know that for you, the answer was seemingly to stop all contact and go cold turkey,but maybe you need to ask if you can BOTH agree to the odd email etc and JUST be friends, if this is so painful?

I don't want to complicate it all again for you, but can only speak from experience- which has been- together/engaged until aged 20, no contact for 15 years, then a very intense relationship which was hellish, then we both backed off to save my marriage, ( he went on to divorce- his 2nd), then no contact for several years, he married again and we are now real friends, who met now and then- maybe once in a few years, and have occasional phone chats. We have been through the "will we EVER be together" and decided it's too late. But we have salvaged something.

This may not be for you- or him, but it may be possible in time?

If not, you MUST stop all contact.

Northumberlandlass · 30/12/2008 14:34

Yes, post on here. I have a friend in RL who knew everything that went on with me. Whenever I feel the urge to text him (and honestly there are still moments when I do) - I text her instead and relive it all again. It does help being able to unload what you are feeling.

If only's are the worst, I have many, but all they do is drag me down. I don't concentrate on the future and my DH and DS - as a very wise man once said....Onwards and Upwards !

xxxx

Lulumama · 30/12/2008 14:34

i think being friends would be too dangerous. and lead to something a lot more.

he is the one that got away.

i don't think he would be doing this if you weren;t unattainable and I think the fact you are married to other people adds an extra frisson

honestfriend · 30/12/2008 14:39

LLM- it IS possible to be friends- see my posts-but sometimes reaching that point is hard and not possible for all.

Lulumama · 30/12/2008 14:40

well, i think for Nab, it is a step too far

i am secure and happy in my marriage, but i think if DH was friends with an ex and they still fancied each other, i'd be worried.

why look for trouble?

NAB3lovelychildren · 30/12/2008 14:41

He can't be friends as he wants more.

I would have been happy to stay in touch and be friends but he doesn't want to know. He doesn't think we can ever be just friends. I am so pissed off myself for letting him break my heart again. He says all this stuff, says he will be my first call if I am free and then nothing. I know he is trying to let me know he does really care and by not answering is trying to let me get on with my life, but OMG it hurts.

We will agree to disagree lulumama.

honestfriend · 30/12/2008 14:45

NAB- if he really cared he would want to have something- even if just friends.

honestfriend · 30/12/2008 14:46

P.s.- I don't want that to sound harsh- I KNOW how you feel, I really do- but let it go for now.

NAB3lovelychildren · 30/12/2008 14:47

Ever since we met at 14 and started going out at 15 we have never been able to just be friends.

He hasn't told his wife a thing and feels he is sneaking around behind her back. There is no way she would accept us being friends.

I will get through this, I have been through worse, and it was only yesterday it was finished.

Lulumama · 30/12/2008 14:47

fair enough nab, just be careful with yourself.

NAB3lovelychildren · 30/12/2008 14:48

I know in my heart if I get no reply when he is back at work, then that it is really it. It will hurt like hell but I will accept it.

JeremyVile · 30/12/2008 14:50

I think you will realsie in time that he has done the right thing - walked away from temptation - and it will be to your benefit as well as his, though it may hurt initially.
I hope you stick yo not contacting him any more, he has done the decent thing and has come to that choice on his own, to keep contacting would be unfair.

NAB3lovelychildren · 30/12/2008 14:52

you are totally right

NAB3lovelychildren · 30/12/2008 17:50

Feeling quite strong now.

Can't wait for DH to come home. Missed him today but he is off for the rest of the week.

lonevoiceinthedark · 30/12/2008 19:27

It's all good NAB

char1eysaunt · 30/12/2008 19:32

Yes definitely good. I think I have found how strong the power of "self talk" can be. Focus on your DH and your DCs. Think about all the good things you have in your marriage and when the other guy creeps into your thoughts (as he will), push that away. The time will come when you can deal with thinking about him with affection but no more hopefully but you need to work at not doing this at the moment I think.

NAB3lovelychildren · 30/12/2008 21:21

I will always feel sad that someone interferred and took away our chance and I will always feel sad he doesn't feel able to be friends. But I am fine. I am back with my husband 100%.

A tricky day will be when I know he is back at work and will get my 2 emails (only 2) but I am sure with your help I can do it.

Thanks one and all.

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