Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

HOW TO LEAVE A VIOLENT MAN COVERTLY ?

92 replies

milkmonster · 27/12/2008 16:59

I have to covertly leave my violent partner in the new year, to make all the arrangements such as moving his stuff out, van hire, packing, submitting a custody claim for our 20 month old and baby-to-be due next June, etc, all without his knowing. Regulars on here may recall this moment has taken well over a year to materialise.

He doesn't live with us but has an inkling something's in the pipeline, so does make regular visits to see his child so I can't be confident he will not just turn up unexpectedly at any time.

My family are helping me to sort van hire but I can't figure out the other two aspects;

How can I start packing up at home without him seeing the packed boxes, as he visits his child and to ask him not to visit would make him suspicious. Also, more difficult, he has a lot of belongings here, including large furniture such as several drawer chests, about sixty boxes of possessions, a shed brim-full of man junk (machinery, engine parts, bike wheels, tools, mountain bikes, etc)and so on.

Because he's a Hoarder he has no room in his own house to store it (we are talking floor to ceiling full) and says he won't accept it if I just have it deilvered to his house. Because I've no paperwork to prove it's house, he can then phone the police and say I'm flytipping on his doorstep. I've already questioned this; he can do it. I can't deliver it to any of his friends or family as they also have no room and again the flytipping issue.

I can't take it with me, there's too much and he will accuse me of theft if I take it.

I can't put it into storage as I can't afford to and said he will just never collect it from storage, so I'll keep getting billed for years.

I also have to figure out where and how to move it on the day of moving, without him knowing or having a chance to decline accepting it.

Has anyone got any ideas?
Obviously, you can't advise me to skip it/sell it on ebay/ask council to remove it,etc because this is a violent man. I can't involve the police on moving day because it still leaves me with the issue of where to move his stuff to.

OP posts:

dittany · 27/12/2008 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hotCheeseBurns · 27/12/2008 17:04

I remember your thread, so glad you're getting sorted now!

My first thought was the same as dittany's.

pooka · 27/12/2008 17:04

Agree with dittany that you should leave it behind.

Is there a reason why that isn't an option though?

DoubleBluff · 27/12/2008 17:05

leave it, just take what you need.
Are you in touch with Womens AId? They can help you

Original poster

milkmonster · 27/12/2008 17:05

Can't leave it behind, it's a privately rented house, so I would lose my substantial deposit which I can't afford to also the landlord could charge me storage, removal costs, all sorts..

OP posts:

lou031205 · 27/12/2008 17:10

Could you afford to rent the house for one month longer than you live there?

If you could, could you ask for your landlord's co-operation? Then you could leave the stuff because you are still the tenant, and your landlord could write to your ex stating that he needs to move his stuff out by x date or it will be disposed of?

BitOfFunUnderTheMistletoe · 27/12/2008 17:12

Can you speak to Women's Aid, or the domestic violence unit of your police service? I think they might have some constructive suggestions. I think the fly-tipping thing could be a red herring tbh- I really can't see a council prosecuting a woman in your situation, it would collapse if it ever got to court.

littleducks · 27/12/2008 17:12

what is the max penalty for flytipping?

i would be tempted to send it there and if accused of flytipping go to court and explain

pooka · 27/12/2008 17:13

Ahh - I wondered whether that might be it.

Can women's aid/a solicitor advise.

Logically, if on moving day you were to stack the stuff in front garden, leaving the house completely empty, he would then have the opportunity to pick it up. If he didn't do this, then I would try and pay for the council to remove it.

If he is violent, I am assuming that having the police involved would be helpful rather than a hindrance.

Basically, you would be giving him the opportunity to collect the stuff. His choice whether to do so or not.

But I'm probably missing something, and am no expert....

dittany · 27/12/2008 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

milkmonster · 27/12/2008 17:15

lou031205 That's an interesting idea.

It still leaves me with a big bill for removal costs when the landlord removes it, or if my ex does, I'm pretty sure he will also trash the house as well so I might be charged for that too as I'll still be the tenant. Unless the landlord asks for police supervision on moving day, but I'm not convinced the police have the time or resources for that...

My landlord and I have a good relationship so he might consider this, but my last landlord and I also had a good relationship yet as soon as she heard from neighbours about the domestic violence and police visits and inspected for herself some damage he had made to my house, she evicted me immediately and was no longer sympathetic, presume her property was her priority. This landlord may also think the same.

OP posts:

treedelivery · 27/12/2008 17:17

Agree BitofFun - who would care!!?? Your circumstances will overwhelm any need to look into this one episode of fly tipping. It may be a law but is probably more aimes at habitual offenders and business. Add to that the need to [presumably] protect your whereabouts from exposure to him and it's really not worth the worry.

You need womans aid to run through stuff with - to double check your plans are water tight. They may be able to help you with other things - van hire, access to a safe mobile phone etc.

Good luck. x

Original poster

milkmonster · 27/12/2008 17:19

Dittany putting into storage is the most convenient option as the facility's only a mile down the road, but you have to pay upfront 3 months minimum (it's not cheap!)and leave your credit card details with them in the event you stop paying, they can still bill you.

I can do as you suggest, giving him a month to remove it, but I know he won't, he's already said he'd leave it there just so I keep getting billed.

As I plan to move 200 miles away and don't drive and am pregnant, the logistics of having to come back again in a month and pay more van hire, then pay again to dump it at the tip (our tips charge you for dumping household goods such as furniture, engines, etc) I just can't see it happening.

OP posts:

beanieb · 27/12/2008 17:21

Could you pay for one months storage, sending him the invoice (once you have moved) and telling him that he has one month to collect or continue paying?

beanieb · 27/12/2008 17:21

Ah sorry X posts.

Original poster

milkmonster · 27/12/2008 17:22

I can't dump it on his doorstep, it's a paveline terraced house, there's no front garden and his back yard is full of junk and has a spiked 6ft security wall anyway. It would probably also be an 'obstruction' offence to dump on the pavement.

OP posts:

Original poster

milkmonster · 27/12/2008 17:25

'dump on the pavement' not literally of course!

OP posts:

treedelivery · 27/12/2008 17:25

Truly - I'd bugger the stuff and go.

If your really worried maybe in a month write to the council explaining your actions and why you had to take them. Humanity will prevail, and if it doesn't sod it and forget about it.

dittany · 27/12/2008 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flihgtattendant · 27/12/2008 17:29

This is really hard.

Btw I am impressed that you have got to this point, I remember your story well.

I think you need some legal advice, can you get legal aid? a solicitor would be better placed to advise you...for instance, if he has no proof it belongs to him, can you get into trouble for just getting rid of it?

I wonder about getting your stuff ut of the way, first, then getting in a house clearance person to take the rest. You might need to move out first and give him written notice about your intentions after you've gone - then he has the option to collect it before the house clearance takes place.

I don't think a house clearance would cost an awful lot compared to storage. They'd take the lot I think.

in the mean time I think maybe you could start to get rid of a few select loads of crap, as much as will go in the bin, or the back of your car to the tip. That'll cut down the eventual quantity - I'd be doing that - he won't notice or be able to prove what was there, if it's just some of it.

First stop is legal advice or CAB if you can get hold of them.

littleducks · 27/12/2008 17:29

so you dont have keys to his house?
i send it there, and tell the council that he had agreed to it being delivered but changed his mind later to spite you

if he might wreck the place dont let him into your house

AnarchyInAManger · 27/12/2008 17:29

How about hiring a skip, filling it with his stuff, and getting it put outside his house?

Flihgtattendant · 27/12/2008 17:29

Or have a lickle bonfire

beanieb · 27/12/2008 17:30

Are you going to change the locks when you go? Does he have a key?

I'm only asking because he could always let himself in once he has realised you have left and cause damage even if you manage to empty it in nthim, which I am guessing would lose you your bond anyway?

Have you considered this?

TimeForMe · 27/12/2008 17:30

Not sure about how you would deal with his things but, as for packing up, start packing up the boxes then throw dust sheets over the big items and if he asks tell him you are decorating

Personally, I wouldn't give a stuff about his belongings. I would just leave them behind, they are his problem not yours.

Flip

1 2 3 4