HOW TO LEAVE A VIOLENT MAN COVERTLY ?

[milkmonster]

I have to covertly leave my violent partner in the new year, to make all the arrangements such as moving his stuff out, van hire, packing, submitting a custody claim for our 20 month old and baby-to-be due next June, etc, all without his knowing. Regulars on here may recall this moment has taken well over a year to materialise.

He doesn't live with us but has an inkling something's in the pipeline, so does make regular visits to see his child so I can't be confident he will not just turn up unexpectedly at any time.

My family are helping me to sort van hire but I can't figure out the other two aspects;

How can I start packing up at home without him seeing the packed boxes, as he visits his child and to ask him not to visit would make him suspicious. Also, more difficult, he has a lot of belongings here, including large furniture such as several drawer chests, about sixty boxes of possessions, a shed brim-full of man junk (machinery, engine parts, bike wheels, tools, mountain bikes, etc)and so on.

Because he's a Hoarder he has no room in his own house to store it (we are talking floor to ceiling full) and says he won't accept it if I just have it deilvered to his house. Because I've no paperwork to prove it's house, he can then phone the police and say I'm flytipping on his doorstep. I've already questioned this; he can do it. I can't deliver it to any of his friends or family as they also have no room and again the flytipping issue.

I can't take it with me, there's too much and he will accuse me of theft if I take it.

I can't put it into storage as I can't afford to and said he will just never collect it from storage, so I'll keep getting billed for years.

I also have to figure out where and how to move it on the day of moving, without him knowing or having a chance to decline accepting it.

Has anyone got any ideas?
Obviously, you can't advise me to skip it/sell it on ebay/ask council to remove it,etc because this is a violent man. I can't involve the police on moving day because it still leaves me with the issue of where to move his stuff to.

The problem with asking solicitors is that they work to normal rules - ie you dont have to worry about being beaten up. this isnt a normal situation.

Police typically tell you to get on with it, its your right to do so, and call them if he turns up to threaten you. Which is terrifying.

womens aid prob more realistic! Unfortunately, women DO have to plot and scheme to get out of these situations.

women's aid website call them.

I really wouldn't disturb his stuff. If he notices or doesn't swallow a story you give him it could be dangerous. Sorry to be dramatic but its the truth or you wouldn't be fleeing.

That's why I suggested you move first, then let him arrange collection or delivery with your family before dumping the lot.

Ask Women's aid for advice - they will know how to deal with this situation as it won't be a new one for them.

The issue of his stuff is not gping to be a big issue at all once you have got advice from Women's Aid.

Well done for finding the strength to move on - you really should feel good about yourself - you don't need to do it on your own though, there is support to draw on.

I hope that 2009 is much happier for you and your kids

Does your landlord know the situation.

On the day you move make sure the house is clean and tidy and just leave his stuff neatly boxed in the hallway. Give the landlord his number and tell him he is 48 hours to get it moved or it will be dumped.

Sure, the landlord will take off the cost of this from your deposit but surely it is a small price to pay.

I doubt very much the police would even try to secure a conviction for theft give the circumstances tbh.

Have you contacted their Domestic Violence Unit who will be able to advise you further.

Just post birth certs and documents and walk away with the clothes on your back.

And your children obviously!! That's what I did. 18 months on I can't even remember what was in my wardrobe or what books were on the shelf.

Line up your legal ducks if you see what I mean. Inform the bank not to send statements to your old address. Change your address to your parents' address.

The easiest way is to let it ALL go. Him, the shit you went through, the mere 'belongings' that you had in your life with him.

Start again and start afresh. It's the easiest way honestly. This is a prime example of how possessions can weigh you down.

(saying this I did e-bay a lot of stuff I didn't need to put some money in my bank account, and I did post a few clothes to my parents' house).

Good luck.

Absolutely agree with Dittany about not putting him on your baby's BC. Limit his rights. Don't hand them over to him.

start to covertly save money,get the statement sent another address
tell minimum amount of people (less for him to harass)
leave bulk of goods.sorry but they don't matter.take minimum only
leave no paper trail, mail redirected before you go
secretly buy PAYG phone so significant calls and numbers don't show on bill (don't give him the number obviously)
record dates/times of any violence etc.you may need to recall
photos of any actual abrasions etc (build a case)

good luck

Go to your gp and speak to the health visitor you were closest too and tell her the absolute truth. They will not tell anybody, and it will stand you in good stead, should things go to court. Do it, it'll be half an hour of your time, and you will feel like part of the weight has been lifted from your shoulders for telling them. They'll make a note of what you tell them, and it'll be there, safely on their records if you ever need it.

yes any corroborating evidence or disclosure to HV and GP is useful.not to mention supportive of you

Are you planning on actually disappearing completely for as long as possible, because if you are I would literally pack your suitcases (keep them out of sight under a bed the couple of days before hand). Notify your landlord in writing after you've left and go with what you can carry.

Losing the deposit on the house etc is nothing compared to getting him out of your life.

Milky I'm so glad you're brave enough now to do this - well done.

TBH I'd ring WA and the Police DV team and ask them what to do.

Make a safety plan (I'll show you it in a mo) and DO NOT tell him your plans.

Don't make a story - it will be transparent as glass to a bastard like him...

Do it according to the WA site and it should be ok

Police take a VERY supportive line when you leave amidst violence; do not think they won't care or have resources. They do. There are special teams. Please remember that.

This is a WA safety plan: (it is long)

• Plan in advance how you might respond in different situations, including crisis situations.
• Think about the different options that may be available to you.
• Keep with you any important and emergency telephone numbers (for example, your local Women's Aid refuge organisation or other domestic violence service; the police domestic violence unit; your GP; your social worker, if you have one; your children's school; your solicitor; and the Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247).
• Teach your children to call 999 in an emergency, and what they would need to say (for example, their full name, address and telephone number).
• Are there neighbours you could trust, and where you could go in an emergency? If so, tell them what is going on, and ask them to call the police if they hear sounds of a violent attack.
• Rehearse an escape plan, so in an emergency you and the children can get away safely.
• Pack an emergency bag for yourself and your children, and hide it somewhere safe (for example, at a neighbour's or friend's house). Try to avoid mutual friends or family. See the suggestions below on What to pack if you are planning to leave your partner.
• Try to keep a small amount of money on you at all times - including change for the phone and for bus fares.
• Know where the nearest phone is, and if you have a mobile phone, try to keep it with you.
• If you suspect that your partner is about to attack you, try to go to a lower risk area of the house - for example where there is a way out and access to a telephone. Avoid the kitchen or garage where there are likely to be knives or other weapons; and avoid rooms where you might be trapped, such as the bathroom, or where you might be shut into a cupboard or other small space.
• Be prepared to leave the house in an emergency.

Emergency bag contents:

• Some form of identification.
• Birth certificates for you and your children.
• Passports (including passports for all your children), visas and work permits.
• Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit and debit cards.
• Keys for house, car, and place of work. (You could get an extra set of keys cut, and put them in your emergency bag.)
• Cards for payment of Child Benefit and any other welfare benefits you are entitled to.
• Driving licence (if you have one) and car registration documents, if applicable.
• Prescribed medication.
• Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure (for example, mortgage details or lease and rental agreements).
• Insurance documents, including national insurance number.
• Address book.
• Family photographs, your diary, jewellery, small items of sentimental value.
• Clothing and toiletries for you and your children.
• Your children's favourite small toys.

You should also take any documentation relating to the abuse - e.g. police reports, court orders such as injunctions and restraining orders, and copies of medical records if you have them.

Be safe. Be careful. Be brave

Good luck milky - don't give in to him. WA and the police will know what to do

WhileShosheWatchedHerFlocks I don't appreciate links to old Threads, as juxtaposing them against a current Thread only didsplays obvious contradictions which might confuse readers of the current Thread. The answer to your question is because my daily circumstances change daily.

Not adding the father's name to a birth certificate is pointless, as he can later apply for Parental Responsibility through the courts ; my sister's boyfriend did just that and succeeded, it was a very simple process, he was then able to apply for custody.

have to say i agree MM.i find searching and recalling someone's threads a bit grubby.why do it.threads are a snapshot in time,written as events unfold.not meant to be harvard referenced and recalled

understandably mm you have complex and frightening situation

MM: where there is a record of proven violence (police incident reports etc) the courts will not be sympathetic to an application for custody. Violent, abusive, controlling men frequently tell their victims that they will not be believed, that they can't escape, that the abusive man holds all the cards and the victim should just give up and accept the abuse. It's ALL BULLSHIT. He does not own you. He is not at liberty to beat, rape and terrorise you. He forfeits his rights when he assaults you.

I know it's pointless as they can apply in court - but that does mean he's got to put the effort in....

I'd not put him on it (most likely out of spite and to see if he'd make the effort)

Every time he starts on you - verbally or physically, call the police. Keep a record and if you ever go to court over access, it can be helpful to fight for a secure contact centre only (I did that without proof of abuse; I was successful, so proof would just help)

meticulously record dates,time of any threats or actual violence,visits to A&E etc

As your partner is violent it may be likely/possible that he will not be awarded PR, certainly it could be used against him. You no longer get "custody" the main carer usually has "residency" and the other parent "access".

Sorry but I think it is relevent to us helping you, are you planning to literally just disappear and hope that it takes him as long as possible to find you again? Will his hoarding tendencies stop him relocating to nearer you?

Has he been violent towards your dc, in which case surely you will planning to fight any application he makes for access. If you are not going to be in contact with him when you have your next child then you can't put him on the birth certificate anyway as he will need to be there in person at the registry office because you are not married.

Personally I would flee to a refuge in the location where you want to live in the longer term.

Does anyone know (from experience) if when the police are called out to a domestic violence incident but no arrest is made, whether they record that incident and it can be retrieved and used in court if neccessary, or would someone actually have to be arrested for DV for the police to keep a record?

I was asking because I thought if he had realised last time, how had he, and ho had you talked him down last time, would it help this time.

Twenty eight years ago, I got out of a physically abusive marriage after ex threw me over the banister.

I know how terrorising this sort of relationship can be.

Saying that searching is grubby SM is ridiculous, I did not know what had happened to MM, although I have been a regular for a long time, so as she had said in her OP, we would know, I looked, and I am damn sure I am not the only one.

yes get the cad number for your records and name and number of attending officer.all police call outs/interventions are logged