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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

HOW TO LEAVE A VIOLENT MAN COVERTLY ?

92 replies

milkmonster · 27/12/2008 16:59

I have to covertly leave my violent partner in the new year, to make all the arrangements such as moving his stuff out, van hire, packing, submitting a custody claim for our 20 month old and baby-to-be due next June, etc, all without his knowing. Regulars on here may recall this moment has taken well over a year to materialise.

He doesn't live with us but has an inkling something's in the pipeline, so does make regular visits to see his child so I can't be confident he will not just turn up unexpectedly at any time.

My family are helping me to sort van hire but I can't figure out the other two aspects;

How can I start packing up at home without him seeing the packed boxes, as he visits his child and to ask him not to visit would make him suspicious. Also, more difficult, he has a lot of belongings here, including large furniture such as several drawer chests, about sixty boxes of possessions, a shed brim-full of man junk (machinery, engine parts, bike wheels, tools, mountain bikes, etc)and so on.

Because he's a Hoarder he has no room in his own house to store it (we are talking floor to ceiling full) and says he won't accept it if I just have it deilvered to his house. Because I've no paperwork to prove it's house, he can then phone the police and say I'm flytipping on his doorstep. I've already questioned this; he can do it. I can't deliver it to any of his friends or family as they also have no room and again the flytipping issue.

I can't take it with me, there's too much and he will accuse me of theft if I take it.

I can't put it into storage as I can't afford to and said he will just never collect it from storage, so I'll keep getting billed for years.

I also have to figure out where and how to move it on the day of moving, without him knowing or having a chance to decline accepting it.

Has anyone got any ideas?
Obviously, you can't advise me to skip it/sell it on ebay/ask council to remove it,etc because this is a violent man. I can't involve the police on moving day because it still leaves me with the issue of where to move his stuff to.

OP posts:

Flihgtattendant · 27/12/2008 17:32

I am focussing on the 'can he prove you have disposed of his stuff and therefore accuse you of stealing' issue here.

I believe if someone leaves their possessions in your custody for long enough you may have the right to dispose of them as you see fit.

You really need a kind of warrant thing, please try and get legal help before you do anything. Dittany may be right, the police might be able to help you with it.

SleighGirl · 27/12/2008 17:33

If he still has keys to the place and you are the only names tenant get the locks changed with the permission of your landlord, send your ex a letter by special delivery telling him has a certain date to clear the house on or it will be disposed of. Ensure that the landlord does not let him in the house etc.

Original poster

milkmonster · 27/12/2008 17:34

I dont have keys to his house, he may still have a ckey to mine, it was 'lost' a while ago.

House Clearance charge you, not other way round.

Can't skip and put outside his house, skip firm will only remove skip to their depot.

OP posts:

dittany · 27/12/2008 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnarchyInAManger · 27/12/2008 17:36

How about the other way round - hire skip to put outside his house on the morning of the move, then dump stuff in it? You could get legal letter expalining sutuation put on it?

Original poster

milkmonster · 27/12/2008 17:36

'Personally, I wouldn't give a stuff about his belongings. I would just leave them behind, they are his problem not yours. '

No, it's definately my problem, unfortunately!

OP posts:

Nighbynight · 27/12/2008 17:36

I have been in a similar situation, not exactly parallel. This is such a controlling tactic, to put obstacles in your way to moving.

I would take everything I could get out without him noticing it, to the dump. The more the stuff is reduced, the smaller the problem will be.
Then on moving day, I'd probably take the rest all in one go to the dump (can you hire someone with a van for a couple of hours purely for that?)
Anything I wanted to keep, I would probably keep, for his children. Let him prove theft.

You dont owe him anything, dont get involved with storage bills!

How soon after you have moved will he know you are gone?
Are you going to hand the key back to the landlord the same day, so that he cant get at you via the house?

AnarchyInAManger · 27/12/2008 17:37

Or just take it to the tip and let him bloody try to secure a theft conviction.

dittany · 27/12/2008 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

milkmonster · 27/12/2008 17:39

Nighbynight that's the dilemma, I have to figure out how to do all this on one day - Moving Day - without him finding out at any stage prior to or on the day.

I must repeat I cant just skip stuff before moving day becuase if he finds out (he's a Hoarder remember, Google it ; possessions are more precious than life)then I have no idea what he's capable of.

OP posts:

Nighbynight · 27/12/2008 17:40

Also like SleighGirls solution, because it would probably bring things to a head. He'd come scorching round to beat you up, you dont let him in, just call the police instead. In this situation, my ex was stupid enough to break teh windows, police arrested him.

Nighbynight · 27/12/2008 17:43

then go for splitting the problem into smaller bits - get rid of everything you can without him knowing.

I bet it will be really therapeutic when you get his stuff out of hair!

SleighGirl · 27/12/2008 17:43

How about put it in a skip outside the rented house on the day of moving, cover with tarpaulin (sp) get a special delivery letter sent to him saying that the skip will be taken away and disposed of after a week. I would still give your landord the heads up about changing the locks though.

TimeForMe · 27/12/2008 17:44

Well how about speaking to the landlord and getting him onside. You move out with your belongings having sent the ex a letter telling him he will be met at the house by the Landlord where can pick up his own things at a certain time on a certain day. You will have done your best in a difficult situation and if he doesn't pick his things up then it really is his problem.

treedelivery · 27/12/2008 17:44

Womans aid - you are not James Bond type spy so need help with stuff like this from people who know your rights.

I don't get the problem if I'm honest - is it not getting your deposit back if you leave stuff behing that is the problem? Because as to his property I assume you are happy for it to rot!

I think doing ANYTHING to his stuff prior to the day would be too risky - if he clicks whats happening then at best the whole thing is off, and at worst doesn't bear thinking about.

Get advice from Womans Aid.

Nighbynight · 27/12/2008 17:45

yes, that is the best suggestion yet.

Nighbynight · 27/12/2008 17:46

(sleighgirl, I mean)

AnarchyInAManger · 27/12/2008 17:46

Yep, agree wih SleighGirl.

TimeForMe · 27/12/2008 17:47

'Is it possible to steal something that someone has abandoned to your possession?'

Well unless he carved his initials on things or kept the receipts he might have a hard time proving the things were actually his in the first place.

beanieb · 27/12/2008 17:47

If he is likely in any way to enter your house with his lost key and exact any kind of revenge then I think you do need to think about changing the locks as soon as you move out. Could you talk to your landlord about this? Getting new locks may be cheaper than any damage he could cause.

I still think your only option is storage of some kind? I was under the impression that storage firms will just keep or sell the stuff if you stop paying?

good luck.

jollyoldstnickschick · 27/12/2008 17:52

Ive got a FAB idea- your landlord is having a new damproof course put in and electricity rewire to go with new landlord rulings therefore you have to pack up loads of your stuff to allow for the work to begin and your partner needs to remove or get rid of his stuff as the landlord is removing the shed as it is an added insurance liability, you dont like this either you dont want to pack up your stuff and live like this but its the landlords house and hes given you warning (a letter you type and post to yourself).

wrapstar · 27/12/2008 17:54

call the police/women's aid/solicitor and ask for advice. It would be an easy problem for a solicitor to advise you on and not cost much. Less than the cost of storage/a skip/delivery van etc.
What about leaving a few days before the end of your lease, getting a solicitor to write/sending a letter via recorded delivery saying he has two days to pick up his stuff but he must arrange collection or putting into storage it with your dad/brothers and they can supervise the removals. If he chooses not to collect, it's skip-time. They should be ready to call the police if anything kicks off.
Good luck with your new life.

Amapoleon · 27/12/2008 17:54

Definitely talk to Womens Aid, they were very helpful when sil was in your situation, so were the police. Good luck!

WhileShosheWatchedHerFlocks · 27/12/2008 17:54

how come you didnt go in April

Did he find out that time?

DarksomeNight · 27/12/2008 17:56

This is a very thorny problem.
Re packing ; could you pretend you are going to paint the house, just for a change of scene, and therefore have an excuse to box up your books and ornaments and stuff, anf cover things with sheets. It might cost you a couple of tins of paint but hey......that's not so bad. His stuff is a bigger problem I'd say, I also imagine that the womens aid and police will be able to help you here. Or CAB might have some ideas.

When is moving day??

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