HOW TO LEAVE A VIOLENT MAN COVERTLY ?

[milkmonster]

I have to covertly leave my violent partner in the new year, to make all the arrangements such as moving his stuff out, van hire, packing, submitting a custody claim for our 20 month old and baby-to-be due next June, etc, all without his knowing. Regulars on here may recall this moment has taken well over a year to materialise.

He doesn't live with us but has an inkling something's in the pipeline, so does make regular visits to see his child so I can't be confident he will not just turn up unexpectedly at any time.

My family are helping me to sort van hire but I can't figure out the other two aspects;

How can I start packing up at home without him seeing the packed boxes, as he visits his child and to ask him not to visit would make him suspicious. Also, more difficult, he has a lot of belongings here, including large furniture such as several drawer chests, about sixty boxes of possessions, a shed brim-full of man junk (machinery, engine parts, bike wheels, tools, mountain bikes, etc)and so on.

Because he's a Hoarder he has no room in his own house to store it (we are talking floor to ceiling full) and says he won't accept it if I just have it deilvered to his house. Because I've no paperwork to prove it's house, he can then phone the police and say I'm flytipping on his doorstep. I've already questioned this; he can do it. I can't deliver it to any of his friends or family as they also have no room and again the flytipping issue.

I can't take it with me, there's too much and he will accuse me of theft if I take it.

I can't put it into storage as I can't afford to and said he will just never collect it from storage, so I'll keep getting billed for years.

I also have to figure out where and how to move it on the day of moving, without him knowing or having a chance to decline accepting it.

Has anyone got any ideas?
Obviously, you can't advise me to skip it/sell it on ebay/ask council to remove it,etc because this is a violent man. I can't involve the police on moving day because it still leaves me with the issue of where to move his stuff to.

sleighgirl - are you cargirl???

SleighGirl no I can't just disappear, he knows all the addresses of my friends and family and will find out where I move to. We met online, I was using a fake name and address,but he still managed to turn up on my doorstep one day without any contact details.

Yes his Hoarding will definately prevent him from moving nearer to me.

I don't want to go to a refuge. I think me and my children deserve some stability and I'm planning to move into rented accommodation nearer my family. I've already moved 4 times in 3 years because of him.

MM please ring WA - 0808 2000 247 (24hours helpline) - they will be able to advise you properly and know all your rights about this.

Please take some proper, knowledgeable advice from trained people - don't just rely on our stories and opinions, ok?

We will be here for you whenever you need us - just please, please get some proper advice about restraining orders and stuff to protect yourself

milkmonster - sometimes it is a question of putting as many obstacles as you can in his way, rather than getting the final, once-for-all, solution.

My ex was obliging enough to do stupid, violent things just at the point when I was ready to call the police. If yours does - take advantage of it and call them, hopefully they will arrest him.

I am going to move at some point, will def get somewhere near a police station.

I'm going offline now, but thankyou to all so far for views and advice. I will log in later to update and hopefully read some more contributions.

Yes Night I'm CG.

So if you can't just disappear what will you achieve by moving?

Is it just because of the distance and the fact his hoarding will stop him following?

Presumably he would potentially still turn up on your doorstep from time to time & be violent?

Sorry for the questions I want to help you, so need to understand what you want to achieve at the end IYSWIM.

I do think womens aid and the domestic incident police team will be able to help.

I recognised you by the sensibleness of your posts! Hi.

I am in a similar position to milkmonster, in that my violent ex knows where I live, and I cant escape from him.

Distance does help. But so does the fact that he's been arrested, fined twice and sent to prison on another occasion. He does now seem to be getting the message that I will ALWAYS call the police.
As I said before, there is no perfect solution - it is just a matter of putting as many blocks as possible in the wall against him.

Could you tell him that your lease is up on your current place, your landlord wants you out and that you are moving (somewhere locally) and he needs to remove his stuff. That will also explain why your things are in boxes. If he is as controlling and suspicious as he sounds, I would even go as far to draw up a fake contract with the address of another nearby place that you have seen advertised to let.

If you really can't face that, then it might be a case of kissing your deposit goodbye and just moving away to be safe. If your parents/family will help you with a bond for your new home, it might be a price worth paying.

I thought of that, lala, but it is not a normal situation. He wont just let her go without more problems, if she looks like escaping from his control.

I think I'm back to the skip idea. Order as many skips as you will need and get as much help as possible on the moving day itself to get it shifted, pay for an extra week on the rent that the skips will sit outside the house.

I think you will have to tell the landlord last minute and pay for the locks to be changed and tell him not to let your partner in under any circumstances and to call the police as soon as their is any sign of trouble.

Is there ANYONE you trust locally to you know to go in after you have left and clean for you and finsish moving out any of your partners stuff that didn't get done on the day. Really it sounds like you need to get up in the morning and walk out and have other people come in and empty the house of his stuff and clean it ready for the landlord.

How are you going to be able to know that your partner will not turn up on moving day itself?

If the skips need to go on the street then you have to apply for a licence, is there a driveway where you live?

MM it is my understanding that you can get injunctions with power of arrest against violent abusive men like him. So that every time he turns up, he will be arrested, and if he doesn't stop following and harassing you, he will be put in prison.

If he harasses your friends and relatives, they can also take legal action against him for harassment, stalking, intimidation etc ie they can tell him to go away, and if he doesn't go away they can call the police and have him removed. ANYONE can call the police to remove a person who arrives at their home/place of work, causes a disturbance and won't leave when told to. A person who repeatedly turns up where he/she isn;t wanted and causes a disturbance will be arrested and may well be imprisoned.
As others have said, contact Women's Aid who will have dealt with situations like this loads of times: there will be more than one way of dumping his stuff somewhere and making it his problem, not yours.
Best of luck.

MM there are loads of recommendations on this thread to call Women's Aid for expert advice and support...what is it that stops you from calling them...did you have previous bad experience with them?

I have just read this thread and I think you are very brave to be making plans to secure yours and your children's future. My heart goes out to you. I think a lot of women have been there, I certainly have.
My view, for what it's worth is to just go. Sod his stuff - that's his problem.
Focus on you and your child and your health and just go. Tip off your landlord if you like.
Definately contact women's aid for advice.
Think about safety rather than his stuff. Put yourself first! If he catches you he may become more violent and that it too risky.
Pack and go girl, possessions are meaningless!
Good luck... keep in touch. Oh and don't leave the country. If you want to know why I can elaborate but it's off topic..

I have only read the first page and a half so maybe this suggestion has been offered already...

arrange the cheaper type of storage (in a big container not self store). Then open a PO box or hire a solicitor and write to him saying he has 28 days to arrange collection or delivery of all his things or they will be disposed of. Say that he can collect them at any time he wishes from (give name of storage company). He will not be given the opportunity to look through his possessions. You can assure him that they are all his and your offer is simply to pay for the 28 days storage costs but not for the delivery costs. Say he must take proof of his ID and a copy of the letter when collecting his belongings from the storage company/ arranging for their delivery. Then say that the offer is not negotiable and in particular the end date cannot be extended.
Then keep a copy of the letter and send it recorded delivery. If you can afford it, it would be much better to have a solicitor do all this for you.