Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone ever have affair that stayed at just an affair?

31 replies

Confused08 · 16/12/2008 21:20

Without going into the wrongs and rights of affairs has anyone ever had one that just stayed as that?

I knew someone at work who was having a long standing affair with the boss and they were both happy it just being that. Both had children both claimed to love their respective wife/husband but both secretly loved the thrill of the weekly/monthly meet of their affair.

I also read an article in the paper about a woman who was having an affair but both parties knew it was just that and not something either of them wanted to lose their families over or ever get caught.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
brazenhussy · 16/12/2008 21:38

yes, I will own up to this one. Have been having an affair for just over a year now. I am divorced and he is married. he doesn't want to leave his wife and I don't want him to either, i just like what we have.

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 16/12/2008 21:39

I couldn't.

littleboyblue · 16/12/2008 21:42

Yes. I have been 'the other woman' twice. It was easier at the time, had issues and if the person isn't available you can't have expectations and you can't get hurt (that's not true, but that's how it was for me).
I'd also say, always remember how you get a man because that is how you will lose him.
One of the married men I had an affair with (I was single) started seeing his wife whilst he was still living with previous girlfriend......

onlyanauntie · 16/12/2008 22:35

Can guarantee in most cases the woman will always want more in the end.

I've been having an affair for just under a year. He's married, I have a partner. Started fine and all no-strings, for several months, but has turned a little more serious on my part, and I think probably his. Neither of us intend to do anything about it though. Wish I could stop, but that's a conversation for another board

HappyWoman · 16/12/2008 22:41

I think it sounds all lovely and romantic - but the reality is that real people do get very very hurt.

I love the thrill of driving my car extremly fast sometimes - but of course i cant do it as i know apart from getting caught(which probably adds to the thrill) it could potentially hurt someone else. The person i could hurt is nothing to do with me - i have not made any commitment to them and i could even argue - more fool them if they are drunk at the time and happen to walk out in front of me. The fact that i know my actions could result in someone else getting hurt is enough.

Come on none of us are idiots - we all know the score - it may not be right but the ow knows before she enters into the affair that she will be seen as the villian.

And also woman do already know that it is pretty easy to get a man into bed - it is not a particulary clever thing to be able to do.

I would have every sympathy with anyone who was being conned or cheated in any part of their life. And anyone that had any part of that should be ashamed of themselves and stop trying to justify it with the excuse that they owe the spouse nothing.

sticksantaupyourchimney · 16/12/2008 22:43

People conduct their relationships in all sorts of different ways. Some work out well, some don't. There are no guarantees no matter what.

HappyWoman · 16/12/2008 22:45

I think if you were to ask both sexes more men would rather it stayed as just an affair. There are gender differnces i am sure, which is how a lot of the touble starts we forget that men and woman think differently.

PS i am sure i could make an affair work if john travolta were to ask me.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2008 07:18

hw, but he is gay, haven't you read the sleb threads

brazenhussy · 17/12/2008 09:05

That's true, I think although both parties know where they stand at the beginning of an affair, it can be difficult for the woman to sufficiently detach herself if the affair is longstanding.
In my situation, when my divorce came through OM wanted to leave his wife so that we could be together but I wasn't ready for that so i have stayed as the Mistress.

pookie81 · 18/12/2008 13:49

Yes, I have been having an affair for 7 years. OM and I know it's more than just an affair because it has gone on so long and we think about and text each other all the time. We are both married with kids. I really don't think it can ever just be 'an affair' because there are bound to be strong emotions involved for both parties.

pookie81 · 18/12/2008 13:50

BTW I am not proud that this has happened but life is so unpredictible sometimes. We say that if we had met before the committment was made with our partners, we would have been together.

CountessDracula · 18/12/2008 13:55

It may be just an affair to you but to the poor wife of your "boyfriend" it won't be

People who do this should stop being so pathetic and get someone who is unattached imo

pookie81 · 18/12/2008 14:03

CountessDracula- OM is filing for divorce because he isn't happy with her and wants to be with me. I didn't set out to fall in love with a married man!

CountessDracula · 18/12/2008 15:30

yeah right
I bet you had nothing to do with it

If he had any bollocks he would leave his wife and then start a new relationship.

chocolatemummy · 18/12/2008 15:35

think there is an awful lot if this, long term affairs, neither feeling like they want to leave their spouses or children for one reason or another. the reason they can last so long is because both have respective partners and have equal to lose, not like normal affiars where one is living in hope IYKWIM. Like it or not, it happens alot

Jux · 18/12/2008 15:43

I did, about 25 years ago. It didn't last long and really didn't impinge on his marriage. My dad had just died and my bf dumped me the next day (so I was footloose and fancy free). I had known the married man for some time through work. He was in London Mon-Thurs for work and went home Friday afternoons for the w/e. The affair lasted about 4months as we were both reacting against traumatic events in our lives and the affair helped us through the first bit. It petered out when we didn't really need each other any more.

Jux · 18/12/2008 18:41

No flaming?

leoleomakingalist · 18/12/2008 19:09

Yes sometimes although I think it is very dangerous.
I did a number of years ago with someone I worked with. There were no children although that does not make it right.
We worked together and were very good friends and were on the same wave length. We all went out from work (young environment) a lot so we would often be together while drunk which also meant we had lots of fun.
One thing lead to another one night. Then that led to a few more episodes which then became a full affair. We were very close (I honestly never wanted him to leave-I didn't want to be the reason and I never contemplated what I was actually doing).
It became awkward in the sense that he wouldn't allow me to be close with anyone else at work (I found out he had failed to pass along comments that someone else liked me a few times and told them I wouldn't be interested) and he told me he loved me a few times.
He left work and it continued then I left and it continued for a while but then it fizzled out. We are still in touch, he is a great friend and I would count on him when I need someone. We hardly see each other (maybe dinner or coffee once every couple of years) and only chat every now and then - our lives changed - I now have a child and am settled. He divorced his wife (her decision) and I do believe their marriage was over before I came along..
So in answer to the OP question yes sometimes although I doubt this is the norm.

brazenhussy · 18/12/2008 22:32

I think this is one of those situations that you can't fairly comment on unless you have been there.
I too did not set out to fall for a married man, in fact mine was seperated when we met. His wife came back to him and I walked away but he contacted me and asked me to stay in his life which, although morally wrong, I did. I can't picture my life without this man but I also know that I am being selfish and unfair to his wife.
I would however, walk away if a) he asked me to or b) I thought there was even a chance that they would be happy together if i did.

CountessDracula · 18/12/2008 23:22

well brazenhussy I think he is having his cake and eating it don't you?

brazenhussy · 18/12/2008 23:42

yes in a way but that is my fault because i don't want a full time relationship with him so he doesn't really have the incentive to leave her and has always said he would hate to live alone.

pookie81 · 19/12/2008 09:57

brazenhussy, I couldn't have said it better myself! That is exactly what situation i am in. Until someone goes or has been through it,I suggest they keep their comments to themselves!

CountessDracula · 19/12/2008 10:23

Why should I keep my comments to myself?!
What you have said confirms that he is just having his cake and eating it
How wet to say he doesn't want to live alone
Does his mummy still iron his pants?

CountessDracula · 19/12/2008 10:24

If you dont' want people commenting on your slapperish behaviour don't post it on a public internet forum

ginnny · 19/12/2008 10:42

Pookie and Brazenhussy (like the name - don't be naive, you know you are going to get flamed on here, you only have to glance down the list of threads in this section to see the hurt and devastation an affair can cause.
FWIW - A good friend of mine had an affair for about 5 years with a married man. It was great start with, she didn't want him to leave his wife, it was purely about no strings sex and a bit of fun after work. But then she started to feel cheap and resentful of his 'booty call' visits so she ended it but it took a lot out of her and she lost her confidence and self esteem, and her faith in men and she has been single and bitter ever since.
Don't kid yourself - someone will always get hurt.