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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've just seen a photo of my husband, on facebook, cuddled up to the woman who he used to work with.

83 replies

AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 15/12/2008 14:14

I am not name changing for this as I don't want to be called a troll. But DH does know my login name.

I have just been on facebook and looked at some new photos recently added by this woman he worked with. there is one of them cuddled up and DH has a look on his face that says it all to me. I have seen that look hundreds of times and it is how he used to look at me. I have had worries about him and this woman for a while, well TBH for as long as they were working together (Dh now in a new job)

He still socializes with her and the others from his old workplace. He sees them all (so he says) approx 2-3 times a week when he pops in after he has finished work. I have tried to talk to him before about how I was worried that he may have feelings for her, but didn't really get anywhere. He is not the easiest person to talk to about anything really.

I was only the other day saying how lucky I was to have him as my husband as he is very helpful around the house and with DD, even more so now I am pg with number 2.

The photo could very well be innocent, but coupled with the worries I had about this earlier in the year I am very worried and upset.

It could just be my hormones are going into overdrive and the fact that she always looks wonderful. I look and feel awful at the mo, I need a hair cut and my eyebrows need doing, I cant fit into any of my old clothes and my maternity clothes are too big so I am in a lot of jogging bottoms etc. I feel awful.

What do you think?
Do you think it could just be in my head.

OP posts:

HuwEdwards · 15/12/2008 14:16

well it's definitely not just in your head it's on Facebook. Ask him, it's the only way you'll know what to do next

snoringnightmare · 15/12/2008 14:18

But it's not just in your head is it? You've seen a photograph of him cuddled up to another woman.

Always, always trust that gut instinct. ime, it's never wrong. Unless you have a history of complete paranoia and jealousy.

jooseyfruit · 15/12/2008 14:19

ooh bless you sweetheart.

you need to talk to him!

isn't it a bit weird that he goes into his old work place 2-3 times a week?

talk to him.

then go and get your hair and eyebrows done...NOT FOR HIS BENEFIT mind you, but for yours.

Original poster

AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 15/12/2008 14:24

No I am not paranoid or jealous, I tust/trusted him completely. I could be completely innocent but it's the look on his face that ssys it all to me. I have seen that look many times
I am in tears.

I would love to get my hair done but I just don't have the money, I could borrow it off my mum but I already owe her loads.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 15/12/2008 14:27

DH often socialises and goes to corporate shind gis etc with a female colleague / friend

seen loads of pics of them with arms around each other, etc etc

i thikn the thing is, i have no trust issues or worres about my DH, so i see these pics for what they are, two colleagues having a few drinks and laughs at a do.

surely no-one would be so stupid as to put photographic evidence of their affair on facebook/

NotQuiteCockney · 15/12/2008 14:27

It's entirely possible that he has a bit of a crush on this woman, but that nothing has happened between them. (In fact, the fact she's put these photos up on facebook implies to me that nothing is going on - if something was, the photos would seem dodgy to her, iyswim.)

He may not even realise he has a crush on her.

Obviously you need to talk to him about all this, how is your relationship generally?

watsthestory · 15/12/2008 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Lulumama · 15/12/2008 14:31

*shindigs , not shind gis !

sasamax · 15/12/2008 14:32

Oh dear - how upsetting. You sound like you're having a difficult time of it.
I don't really have any advice but I do think that visiting your old workplace 2-3 times per week seems pretty excessive.
Of course the hormones can magnify your worries. (((((((()))))))))

Original poster

AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 15/12/2008 14:32

Our relationship generally is great, we are very close and always have been. I have always had complete trust in him, I did for a long while however think that maybe he had a crush on her while he still worked there.
I am wondering if I am seeing things like this differently as I am hormonally pg or whatever. I don't know what to think.

I hope lulu and NQC that you are right, before I thought he had a crush on her a photo like this wouldn't have caused a second glance/doubt in my mind IYSWIM.

OP posts:

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/12/2008 14:33

I'm another one who finds it strange that he still socialises 2-3 times a week with his ex-colleagues? doesn't he have any colleagues in his new job? When does he socialise with THEM?!

I would agree that there's no way she'd put it on Facebook if there was anything more to it than a friendly cuddle.

The combination of the above DOES seem to suggest that he has a bit of a thing for her, otherwise why is he still hanging around so much? Was she antyhing to do with why he left his old job?

spicemonster · 15/12/2008 14:35

How come he has cash to socialise when you don't have enough to get your hair done? Something not right there surely?

squeaver · 15/12/2008 14:37

Agree on the oddness of seeing his old workmates 2 - 3 times a week.

Also, what's she up to? 2 (completely contradictory) explanations spring to mind:

It's all completely innocent, they're just close mates.

She thinks he's her boyfriend.

Has she written anything about the photos?

Whatever, you have to have a reasoned, calm discussion with him (not easy I know).

Original poster

AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 15/12/2008 14:37

He was only casual in his old job and they were ending his contract IYSWIM, so we both started looking for new jobs and he started his new job about 9 weeks ago now. He hasn't socialized with his new colleauges yet but they are going out on Friday for the staff Xmas do.
He still went to that staff xmas do of his old job last week and he is going out again with them all for xmas drinks a week on monday. Is that weird?

OP posts:

Original poster

AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 15/12/2008 14:41

I know that she has a boyfriend, I don't know what to think now.

I am hoping its my hormones.

When he sees his old colleauges he pops in to the old office where he worked. In his new job he finishes earlier than they do and it is just around the corner from his new place of work.

OP posts:

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/12/2008 14:41

I think it's a bit wierd, yes. It costs money to do that much socialising, yet you are desperate for a haircut and some new clothes - can't he have some thought for YOU? If he's socialising that much, surely it also means he's neglecting his responsibilities at home a bit?

Indiechick · 15/12/2008 14:41

Your instinct is never wrong in my opinion, pregnancy hormones or not.
I would have it out with him, if there's nothing going on then ask her to take pictures off, they're a little inappropriate given he's married to you.

SuperSillyus · 15/12/2008 14:45

When you are pregnant you are vulnerable to feeling vulnerable. It is probably nothing, I'm sure I look very fondly at my friends, they happen to be mostly female, I am also fond of my one or two male friends but it in no way competes with my love for my husband. I'm sure my husband loves/finds attractive other women in his life but he chooses to remain faithfull, if not it's his loss but I can say that because I'm not pregnant. When I'm pregnant I definately get all jealous!

You need reassurance though and it is fair enough for you to talk to your dh about feeling insecure at the moment.

Lulumama · 15/12/2008 14:49

I do agree though that socialising 2 -3 times a week when you can;t afford things for yourself is unnecessary. he should also be sensitive to the hurt he is causing

time for a big heart to heart, but no big accusations of anything, just talk

Original poster

AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 15/12/2008 14:57

You know I think maybe it is my hormones, any other time and I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. It has never bothered me if he finds other women attractive (I find it makes him want me more sorry tmi)

She is a lovely person and I have socialized with her when partners have been invited to staff parties and what not. She is a person I get on well with and find her to be like a younger version of myself. Maybe that is why it has affected me so much, as DH must see that in her also.

I thank you all, you have calmed me down and made me look at it rationally.

OP posts:

ClausImWorthIt · 15/12/2008 15:00

Why don't you have a chat with DH, but instead of asking him about her/the photos, say that you really feel down about how you look at the moment, and can he lend (or hopefully give!) you some money to get your hair done?

cestlavie · 15/12/2008 15:13

It would seem a little strange for her to post these photos on Facebook if there was anything at all going on... I also don't find it strange at all if you go out with people a lot more from your old work place than your new work place - they are, after all your friends.

It does, however, seem exceptionally harsh that he has the cash to go out 2-3 times a week whilst you don't have money to look after yourself as you'd like, particularly if you're feeling a bit miserable at the moment.

Original poster

AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 15/12/2008 15:29

Thanks, I understand it may seem harsh that he gets to go out a lot but he does earn the money so he should get to spend it. I sometimes have some money left over from the CTC so I may start saving a bit here and there to get my hair done.

Or if anyone has any tips for me WRT to making myself feel better any cheap alternatives to getting my hair done but will make me feel better.

(BTW I feel I must clarify that my hair looks oaky it would just look better with a trim IYSWIM )

OP posts:

whomovedmychocolate · 15/12/2008 15:33

I'd be very suspicious indeed and I'd sit him down, show him the picture on Facebook and just let him talk. Hopefully he'll reassure you.

spicemonster · 15/12/2008 15:38

Sorry, I'm afraid I still don't understand. Presumably you are at home looking after your joint children rather than working? So how come the money he earns is for his social life while you stay at home? And you have to save your CTC (which is supposed to be spent on the children, hence the name) to get your hair done.

I think there is a fundamental inequality in your relationship and this is only a symptom of it. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I'm a bit gobsmacked that you sound so ... grateful

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