I've just seen a photo of my husband, on facebook, cuddled up to the woman who he used to work with.

[AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv]

I am not name changing for this as I don't want to be called a troll. But DH does know my login name.

I have just been on facebook and looked at some new photos recently added by this woman he worked with. there is one of them cuddled up and DH has a look on his face that says it all to me. I have seen that look hundreds of times and it is how he used to look at me. I have had worries about him and this woman for a while, well TBH for as long as they were working together (Dh now in a new job)

He still socializes with her and the others from his old workplace. He sees them all (so he says) approx 2-3 times a week when he pops in after he has finished work. I have tried to talk to him before about how I was worried that he may have feelings for her, but didn't really get anywhere. He is not the easiest person to talk to about anything really.

I was only the other day saying how lucky I was to have him as my husband as he is very helpful around the house and with DD, even more so now I am pg with number 2.

The photo could very well be innocent, but coupled with the worries I had about this earlier in the year I am very worried and upset.

It could just be my hormones are going into overdrive and the fact that she always looks wonderful. I look and feel awful at the mo, I need a hair cut and my eyebrows need doing, I cant fit into any of my old clothes and my maternity clothes are too big so I am in a lot of jogging bottoms etc. I feel awful.

What do you think?
Do you think it could just be in my head.

i think that you are carrying out a whorthwile and valuable role as mother and runner of the home. that is worth him spending money on you ,and not leaving you short and trying to scrimp by on CTC.

that would piss me off more than the pics

Spicemonster, I understand what you are saying, I am not conveying things very well am I. DH and I have always been one of those couples who have separate finances and one joint account which we both put money into every months to pay things like the mortgage and other joint bill etc. Both DH and I came into our marriage with personal debts and neither of us expected the other one to be partially responsible for the others debts. I paid all mine off when I found out I was pg with DD as I knew that I would most likely be staying at home. SO now DH pays everything and I am grateful. I know as does he that me staying at home enables him to work.

He will give me any money I want/need for things like getting my hair done etc (obviously if we have it to spare) but I don't like to ask.

I have decided not to pay for my hair out of the CTC as you are right it is for DD. It was wrong of me to suggest that, DD shouldn't have to pay for me to have my hair done.

I know it comes across as me being ab it of a doormat, I am far from that though, I am just not conveying things right. Sorry

maybe their would be more spare money if he was not out 2 -3 times a week?

you are feeling down and sensitive, and deserve his suport, and a treat.

you should not have to feel you are competing with his social life for attention

it is obviously something playing on your mind or you would not have posted

i don;t think it is wrong to spend CTC on yourself, i spend all my child benefit on gin seriously, if a nice morning at the hairdressers would make you feel better, then go for it.

I've no idea how people have the time or organisational skills to keep the finances all in diff pots. Half the time I don't have time to brush my hair never mind work out which pot pays for the hairbrush/nappies/leccy bill...

Go get your hair done - you so deserve it!

I must say that he doesn't always drink or spend money when he sees them as he will just pop in to the office for a coffee or some such it is probably only once a week and occasionally twice a week that they will go for a drink in the student bar. (he used to work at the college)

I'm sorry, I'm jumping to conclusions and yes that does make sense. I appreciate he earns and you don't but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be able to treat yourself occasionally. Rather than you having to go cap in hand every time you need a haircut, could he put a set amount into a separate account that's money just for you and you spend that how you like? It must be so hard to go from earning to not, it would do my head in.

I think that first stage of pregnancy where you don't look pregnant particularly but just fat is horrible! I really think the way you look is fundamental to a lot of women's wellbeing so actually it is important, especially if you feel your DH is surrounded by younger more attractive women and you're feeling frumpy.

I wasn't having a go about the CTC so apologies if that is how it came across - it just struck me as very unbalanced that your DH is out socialising (several times a week while you can't afford to get your hair cut. It made me a bit sad tbh

lol sasamax, I have my account, he has his account, and we have a joint account. When I was earning a wage we would both put half of the amount of bills into the joint account.
I know some people find it odd, but it works for us as he buys things that would annoy me if it were all in one pot as I am sure I buy things that would annoy him if it were all in one pot.

I feel better now actually talking about it, I think it is possible that my hormones got the better of me IYSWIM.

Thanks spicemonster, you didn't come across as having a go but you made me realize that the CTC is not my money IYSWIM.

Your right also, I do look just fat and pasty atm, I seemed to bloom with DD but this pg seems to be the complete opposite of when I was pg with DD and I feel like utter shite TBH.

It is soooo hard to go from earning to no earning, I liked having my own money to do as I wanted with. I would love to go back to work but we just cannot afford the childcare, even with the 80% help you egt from the tc people. Mum and dad have said that they will have DD but dad is really ill and mum gets so knackered having DD at hers when I am there. Plus they have already brought their DC up, I always feel that grandparents are an added extra not childminders IYSWIM.

It sound awful to say but cannot wait till DD and this lo go to school so I can get some sort of job again.

He sees her 2-3 times a week? Can that be right? That's way too much for a married man. I wouldn't mind my husband maintaining friendships with former colleagues, but come ON! 3 times a week?

True, there'd be more spare money if he wasn't out 3 times a week. You could have had a lovely haircut with what he's spent on drinks for her

He says he goes to see them all and she is part of that office IYSWIM. As far as I know he doesn't go just to see her.

still think socialising without you 2 - 3 times a week is too much.. how often do you and he go out? he can go out when he pleases as you are at home, and no money to spare to go out...

Great idea dittany. He's got it all now doesn't he? You can now lay claim to 'his' money. £20 per hour should do it

Dittany is right. This is the main reason I left my x. Women have left men for a lot less. Let your husband digest that reality.

I don't agree that she wouldn't put it on facebook if it were innocent. SHe could be trying to provoke an argument or force the situation along more quickly (as she sees it)

Just to correct myself really, my x's controlling the money was one symptom of his being a controlling person in general.

I understand about having separate accounts etc but since you're not working, well actually you ARE working, but since you're not earning, then you will NEVER have anything in your pot, so surely that's unfair! He should put something in your pot. I would sit down with him and have a discussion about this, seriously, it's really one sided as it stands IMO

lol at billing him for my childcare/house cleaning services. He wouldn't be able to afford it lol.

I'm not painting him in a very good light am I? the thing is if I want or need the money for anything he would give me it (providing it was spare obviously) but it is my problem as I wont ask for it. I don't like and am not used to having to ask for money for things that are non essential.
I even bought a mooncup before my maternity ran out so that I didn't have to ask him for money for sanitary products. Not that I have used it much seen as I am now pg again lol.
I think it is more my problem for just dealing with me not having the money than DH's for not giving me the money IYSWIM.

You don't like to ask for money because it has to be 'reviewed' and then either allowed or disallowed, and most of the time it's just not worth it.

I remember this feeling only too well. You need to change the system entirely so that he is not saying 'yes' or 'no' to your requests. The system you two have isn't right. You're the one who's making all the sacrafices for parenthood. He is not making any sacrafices. He's out three times a week and he spends all the disposbable income becuase you're disinclined to ask him for some of YOUR money!!

I have been in these shoes. My x was also an agressive abusive bully. So I had no incentive to fix things, but if your husband is a nicer man, it's worth sitting down and sorting this out once and for all. If he can't see the injustices in the current status quo then he's being deliberately thick!!

Hear hear.
He should never have allowed this 'asking for money' situation to have happened. It's ridiculous, belittling and controlling whether he means it or not.

Dusty I am really shocked at this (you not wanting to ask him for money for sanitary products!). What account do you use to buy supermarket stuff/bog roll etc, surely that would go on the same bill?