I've just seen a photo of my husband, on facebook, cuddled up to the woman who he used to work with.

[AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv]

I am not name changing for this as I don't want to be called a troll. But DH does know my login name.

I have just been on facebook and looked at some new photos recently added by this woman he worked with. there is one of them cuddled up and DH has a look on his face that says it all to me. I have seen that look hundreds of times and it is how he used to look at me. I have had worries about him and this woman for a while, well TBH for as long as they were working together (Dh now in a new job)

He still socializes with her and the others from his old workplace. He sees them all (so he says) approx 2-3 times a week when he pops in after he has finished work. I have tried to talk to him before about how I was worried that he may have feelings for her, but didn't really get anywhere. He is not the easiest person to talk to about anything really.

I was only the other day saying how lucky I was to have him as my husband as he is very helpful around the house and with DD, even more so now I am pg with number 2.

The photo could very well be innocent, but coupled with the worries I had about this earlier in the year I am very worried and upset.

It could just be my hormones are going into overdrive and the fact that she always looks wonderful. I look and feel awful at the mo, I need a hair cut and my eyebrows need doing, I cant fit into any of my old clothes and my maternity clothes are too big so I am in a lot of jogging bottoms etc. I feel awful.

What do you think?
Do you think it could just be in my head.

I can only agree with the others. You should have EQUAL shares on whatever disposable income you have once the essentials are covered.

You are working just as hard as him, just not getting paid for it.

You are enabling him to work by looking after his house and his child, and you are entitled to an EQUAL share of the money coming in to the house.

I used to get any sanitary products I needed with the weekly shop, obviously now I am pg I don't need any.
The weekly shop comes out of the joint account every week, I have to be quite frugal, as do most people at the minute probably.

I have told him when he came in from work that I am going to the hairdressers on Saturday and he asked how much money I needed transfering into my account . So I don't think he is being controlling WRT the money but rather it is a 'routine' that both DH and I have fallen into IYSWIM.

How would I even start that convo though?

What would be more equal, should he give me some sort of 'house keeping' ?

Can't you just have a joint account? Not necessarily for all of the money, but enough to cover the groceries, etc. & a bit extra for treats?

He nees to automatically transfer you some money every month into your account for you to use as "pin money", £200 or so

Maybe you should say "you know how I don't have a salary put in to my bank account anymore????"

HIm, ummmmmmmmmmmmm?

You: well, thing is, I still work very hard and dont' have the opportunity to earn a salary myself.

Him hmmmmmmmmm?

(no matter WHAT he says) you say

I sacraficed my earning potential to care for OUR children. Do you think that we have arranged our finances fairly?

NO matter what he says next, you say

We both need to be able to access our money without needing the other's permission. It is humiliating for any woman in 2008 to have to ask her husband for money.

Let us know how it goes. I used every argument under the sun on my x. The thing is, he didnt want to change. he was mean and controlling and he didn't value me. If your husband isn't mean, controlling and if he values your role, and acknowledges the sacrafices you alone (so far) have made for parenthood then he'll want to fix things.

Hang on, you're having a conversation about going to the hairdressers but not the fact that he's plastered all over Facebook snuggled up to some woman!

And this whole having to ask him for money for Tampax situation is beyond belief. Sorry to be blunt but tell him you're upset about the pictures on facebook (in a calm unhysterical, grown-up way), then tell him it's time to set up a joint account (in exactly the way Liffey has described).

If he responds with "but I give you what you need when you ask", don't let him away with that... Tell him that he wouldn't want to be in the position you're in. Every biro, newspapaer, coffee he buys scrutinised and either approved or disallowed by you!

YOU have proved you are frugal. He has no valid reason to object to a joint account.

If he does object, sadly, it's probably because he regards the money he earns as HIS money. This means in turn that he doesn't recognise your sacrafices. Your loss of earnings. Your career interruption. Your independence. Your opportunity to save a bit of money. All of this has flown over his head.

You'll have a struggle on your hands if this is how he thinks. But don't give up. You really don't want this current situation to go on forever.

IF he won't agree to change things, then be pro-active and change things yourself.

Go back to work and give the creche HIS credit card details. That way you'll be more independent. Although, it's not ideal. If you're going to spend your life with somebody it should be somebody who wants to share with you and isn't trying to take a little bit more of the pot for himself. In his case, it sounds like a lot more of the pot tbh.

My x was terrible. We didn't have a joint account. He used to go through my barclaycard bill and say did you really need to pay £9 for a sieve. eh i needed one in a hurry and I hadn't time to go to five shops doing price comparisons.. he was a nightmare over money. My x was a nightmare generally and I don't regret leaving him. But if he#'d been otherwise a decent bloke who just hadn't thought this issue through, then I would have tried to fix it.

good luck

Thanks Dittany. I wasted far too many years trying to reason with an unreasonable man who conveniently never saw reason! free now though!

'pin money' I have never heard that expression before.

There is no way that he could afford £200 every month, I don't need that much money. I would like it but don't need it.
I think I would just like access to his account so that when I need things like a haircut or clothes I can just take it without asking. I am sure he would get me another card to his account.
Hi job, although a safe job, does not pay that much yet. He only get about 11000 per year so we do have to be really careful.

Have you seen his pay slip? Your bank statements?

Just wonderingif he possibly earns a teeny bit more than he's admitting to? Apologies if I'm way off the mark.

The amound of money isn't the issue though. It's having joint access to it. YOU have a proven track record of being the MORE frugal of the two of you. (Does he spend nothing when he's out with his friends?)

Sorry if I'm like a jack russell nipping at your heels! I've just been in your shoes and I allowed myself to carry on for a while with distorted thinking. A defence mechanism, no doubt, because I couldn't cope with the fact that he was so mean and unfair. I did stand up to him in the end though.

I suppose that 11k must be about minimum wage - are you sure that's all he's earning? I apologise too if I'm wrong!

if he is seeing the other woman, she might still have put the picture on facebook...either deliberately in the hope that you would see it, or deliberately to convince herself of the validity of their relationship...you know, make it seem more "real," rather than a hidden affair.

or it might be totally innocent.

all you can do is ask...and it isn't unreasonable to ask i don't think...

Yes, I earned 14k when I was 21 in 1991.

Are you going to ask?

Why is h back where he used to work 2-3 times a week?

You know what's going on...

Sorry

I'd warrent that he earns more than 11k

To be honest, I think how your financial arrangements are currently is probably having an effect on your general self-esteem regarding what you are contributing to the pot. I would hate to ask for money for things like hairdressers too.

It is doable though - here's how the finances work in our house.

Pre-kids when we both worked FT, we had our own accounts, and a joint account for household bills and other shared expenses such as car servicing etc which we both paid set amounts into. He paid more as he earned more. He also paid ALL mortgage (he did earn a LOT more than me LOL!)

Post-kids and as a SAHM, I stopped paying into joint bills account. (He upped the amount he paid in to cover it.) I got all the CTC and child benefit paid into my account. He ALSO then added me as a joint account holder to his own personal account so that I could use "his" card for supermarket shop, and most things the kids need.

We agreed that for things like mine and kids hairdressers appointments, makeup and for my clothes (essential clothes that is, not frivolous spending on stuff I didn't need), daily spends (bus money, pressies, mums and tots groups etc) then that would come out of my own account (CTC & child benefit money) so that I wouldnt' feel like I had to ask him for that type of thing. (I don't see the CTC/child benefit money as being specifically for kids - it just adds to the whole household pot really).

Anything the kids need generally comes out of our joint current account as it's usually clothes from supermarkets that I buy from time to time while doing a weekly food shop (again - that now comes out of what had been solely his own account).

A year after DS2 was born, I went back to work (just on a Sunday - DH minds the kids so no childcare issues) and I generally also keep that money for myself (couldn't afford to socialise or buy much for myself on just the CTC/child benefit total). That bit of extra money that I've actually gone to work to earn has really helped my self-esteem and also means that when our joint current account is going overdraft mad, I can top it up with the money I've earned. I have also been able to pay for ALL the kids' Xmas pressies out of my account too.

As regards DH's own personal spending, we both agreed that of course, he should spend as he needs to with regards to his own clothes, shoes, socialising etc. We both know what is going on in all accounts at any one time, and like I say, if the joint current account needs topping up, then that takes priority over what's in my "pin money" account and I transfer some over.

I think the whole thing just needs a big discussion between the two of you. No matter who earns what, it IS possible to sort something out which works for both of you, as long as you both have similar outlooks and agree not to spend on daft, frivolous stuff (guaranteed to get the other's back up and end in an argument!)

I know that was probably very boring, but household finances ARE boring. No-one likes to have to think about them, but it causes no end of bother in relationships if one harbours resentment, and like I say I think it might possibly (along with your pg hormones!) be part of the reason you are feeling a bit unnerved by this woman (who is still earning, still socialising with your DH, not looking harrassed or feeling dowdy as most of us do after having kids.)

Uh-oh, have killed this thread, with my boring post about household finances!

Sorry, OP!

You still there? Have you spoken to him about the photo yet?

Doesn't sound to me like you have anything to worry about with that woman. Sounds like you get on with her and you have a good relationship with you DH so I wouldn't fuss about it too much.

As far as money goes, I'm a SAHM and we made arrangements for me to have my own money. We have a joint account and DH puts X amount in there every month and we both have access to that for all shopping, bills, rent, etc.

DH also puts £500 into my own personal account each month and I can spend that on whatever I want to, no questions asked. I also have the child benefit go into my account too.

DH simply knows that he earns the money so he pays! Just because I'm at home with the baby doesn't mean my life has stopped and, in return for saving him the cost of childcare, he needs to buy me clothes

Yes I have seen his pay slip, he just leave them lying around and I am usually stood next to him when he is transfering bill/mortgage money every month (online banking) so I see what he has. I also saw the job description and which has the wage details on it when he started his new job, hell I found the bloody job for him while I was searching for jobs myself.

I came on here WRT this for a bit of reassurance, I was and am feeling extremely hormonal with this pregnancy, it dosn't help when I think I look like shite also. Although in reality I probably don't look as bad as I think I do. I understand that liffy went through what she seems as the same as this with her ex. This is not my DH.
I have not painted him in a good light. I love him and do trust him, I just had a moment of madness when I saw a photo that I was not aware of.

I have since spoken to a very good friend of mine and shown her the photo, she thinks that DH looks pissed and probably doesn't even know the photo was taken. She says she also feels the way I do when she is hormonal.

I am happy now that nothing is going on. When he goes to see them at his old work he will only probably have a drink with them once a week the rest of the time they are working and he will be in the office and have a coffee with them. It is only occasional that he will have a drink with them twice a week, he just goes to see them 2-3 times a week and not neccesarily have a drink that costs money.

Sorry everyone, I have just re read my last post and it sounds really nasty, I really didn't mean it to be so I am sorry.
I appreciate all of you help and advice but I just didn't like the insinuations that my DH would do some of what you are suggesting. The money situation really doesn't bother me that much TBH. If it did I would change it.
I am however going to ask for a spare card to his account should I need things like a haircut etc.

Gawd my hormones are all over the place ATM.