Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

My partner has left me

95 replies

hopey · 17/03/2003 16:23

I can't believe my partner left me yesterday after over six years. I came home from work at lunchtime and he said straight away that he had to leave. He loves me but is not in love with me and wants to see if there is anything better out there. We haven't been rowing and have got on so well since 16mth DD was born. He even gave me a diamond engagement ring for valentine's day. He is now saying that he has been trying to make it work and has had doubts since DD was born. I don't understand whats happened. I feel so lonely, upset and scared.

OP posts:

SimonHoward · 17/03/2003 16:31

hopey

I'm so sorry to hear this.

As someone who has been through a lot of marital problems myself recently I can understand why he might want to see what is out there but I cannot condone in any way shape or form what he has done.

mum2toby · 17/03/2003 16:39

Hopey - my dp said almost exactly the same to me a few weeks ago (although we have been arguing quite considerably). Has he ever done anything like this before??

DP and I talked it through and he told me thathe did love me and really wanted to try, but was scared that we would just never be happy together. He obviously hasn't been happy about something. Whether it's a permanent thing or just him panicking at the though of settling down is somethng that time will tell.

Does he seem pretty sure it's all over or is he just needing some 'space' (typical man-thing to say!!)?? Maybe it's not all doom and gloom although I bet it feels like that just now.

Original poster

hopey · 17/03/2003 16:41

He's definitely going, he says. I don't think I could have him back after this. He has been like this before, when I was pregnant. He left me then but always came to see me. Its as if he wants me when I'm not there, but not when I am around.

OP posts:

mum2toby · 17/03/2003 16:50

Do you think your relationship is worth fighting for? I mean...... leaving you when you were pregnant was a bit of a low thing to do to you. Maybe you should show him that you are not just going to sit around waiting for him to go out, have his fun, then come back to you whenever he misses you. He might get a fright if he sees you moving on... as hard as it may be.

mum2toby · 17/03/2003 16:50

...what I mean is... he might realise how much he needs you and loves you.

eemie · 17/03/2003 16:58

Sorry, hopey. Can you get someone to come and stay with you? You don't know how you will feel over the next few days. In an emergency like this I would be shouting 'all hands on deck' to friends and family.

I was left 12 years ago in circumstances I couldn't understand. I was totally committed to him and, for a while, he was to me - and then it changed, like the weather. The sense of disorientation and unreality was overwhelming. It was as if he had suddenly died.

Whatever is going on with him, you need to put yourself and dd first. You may feel lonely even when there are people around but it's better than being alone in this crisis. Have you started telling people in real life yet? Sorry, got to go and pick dd up from nursery, will check with you later.

Original poster

hopey · 17/03/2003 17:14

My parents are in Australia until Friday, but my grandad has been great. I've told several friends that its over. It has helped me to try and come to terms with the fact. DD has been a dream. She's been giving me loads of hugs. I don't have many friends where I live, although I get on well with my work colleagues. I'm just so worried I'll never get out or meet people.

OP posts:

Jzee · 17/03/2003 17:52

Hopey: Sorry to hear that you are feeling lonely and upset, but don't be as we are all here to cheer you up! Sometimes life can be rubbish and you wonder these things happen, but when it's like that things can only get better. By the sounds of things he likes to know you are there waiting for him, which in the long run will just wear you down - you deserve better than that. If he wants to see if there is 'anything better out there' then personally I wouldn't give him the option of coming back. My advice would be to take some time out relax in a hot bath think about what you want not how you can go about pleasing him.

Clarinet60 · 17/03/2003 18:30

I'm really sorry to hear this, hopey. You must be feeling shocked. I'm sure that he will miss you when it sinks in, but agree with others that he's treated you abysmally and you should think twice about having him back.

jasper · 17/03/2003 20:56

hopey, I am sorry to hear your bad news. I am afraid I can't offer any worthwhile advice but I am sure others who have been there will be able to help.
Good luck.

WideWebWitch · 17/03/2003 21:13

hopey, sorry, this sounds like sad news. No advice to offer except I agree, you should ask friends and family for any help you can get. Telling you he wants to see if there's 'anything better out there' is outrageous, but you know that.

bayleaf · 17/03/2003 22:59

OH Hopey - I can't offer any personal advice - just great sympathy - it must be so so hard to take it when it comes out of the blue like this and you've had no time to prepare yourself emotionally or physically. It does sound as though it might not be the 'real' end - it is very strange behaviour to be buying diamond rings one month and leaving the next - the actions of a very confused man.
The only thing that really matters at the moment as others have said is making sure you get enough support from friedns and family to get you through this worst early part whilst you figure out what you want and wait to see what he'll do.
Big hugs {{{{}}}}}
bayleaf

breeze · 18/03/2003 07:52

Oh Hopey, I do really feel for you, how awful. It is great that you are getting lots of hugs from DD 9the best medicine), Can not really add much expect that with my previous partner (before DH) when I was much younger, I used to treat like a door mat, We went out for 10 years off and on and I dumped him so many times because I wanted to have fun, and when I got bored always went back to him (he had open arms), I guess deep down I knew he wasn't the one, I didn't respect him at all. However I then met DH and he turned my world around and realised he was the one for me.

What I am trying to say (in my own funny way) is that I am sure that there is someone else out there more suitable and will love you for who you are and will know there is nothing BETTER out there for him. I am sure you will be much happier that dp in the long run.

Good luck and keep posting.

Original poster

hopey · 18/03/2003 08:59

Feel really low today. Can't stop crying. Spoke to dp (or should I say ex?). He is adamant that he doesn't want to come back, but says he still wants to be my friend and help me out round the house and with DD. Wants to see DD tonight, but I said no, he'll have to wait a few days. Don't know if I can face him. Know in my heart that he'd be no good for me if he came back, but I still love and want him. I feel so hurt.

OP posts:

Jzee · 18/03/2003 09:07

hopey, it's upsetting to read your latest message and I don't know what advice to give. I think a bit of space though between you and your 'ex' wouldn't be a bad idea though. It's all very raw so you are bound to be feeling low. Try and treat yourself today to make yourself feel better. It sounds like your ex wants everything his own way ' to have his cake and eat it' which isn't fair on you.

mum2toby · 18/03/2003 09:08

Hopey - people who end relationships tend to want to remain friends to ease guilt. I've been on both sides of that situation. It's very easy for the person ending it to justify to themselves that you are OK coz you're still friends, but while you still love him and want him back a friendship will only hurt you.... You are right to tell him you need a few days to sort your head out. You could let him take dd away out for the day, but for him to expect you to just accept his friendship and nothing else is very selfish of him. You are deeply hurt and he obviously has no perception of that. In time you will stop wanting him back even though you might still love him. His committment to you ran a lot shallower than he led you to believe and that's a cruel thing to do.

You can get through this and come out the other side feeling good and confident that life has something better out there for you...... someone who will committ to you and dd 100%.

Bugsy · 18/03/2003 09:28

Oh hopey I'm so sorry. Lots of sympathy to you and your DD. I hope you get lots of support from your friends and family to get you through this bad time.

Skara · 18/03/2003 09:53

Oh Hopey, I'm really sorry and I can sympathise totally. My dh threatened to walk out recently and we're still trying to salvage things. I don't know if we'll be able to to be honest. The future looks scary doesn't it? We can't seem to get past our first problem and onto the huge pile of others. (I recently miscarried and now he has decided he doesn't want any more after all - but I'm going to start a new thread about that in a minute). Lots of hugs and sympathy... Mumsnet is such a haven in times like this because there's always someone who has been through what you're experiencing.

Marina · 18/03/2003 11:57

hopey, I don't know what to say except that I'm really sorry. I think he's treated you very badly and I hope you and dd are getting the support you deserve.

Chinchilla · 18/03/2003 19:01

Hopey - I'm so sorry to hear your bad news. I have no advice, but we are all here for you to sound off to. Why do men give jewellery when they are not sure of their feelings? They can be so insensitive. Keep your chin up girl.

seahorse · 18/03/2003 20:53

Hopey

Loads and Loads of cyber hugs - it WILL get better - try anything that helps - even go and see your GP to be referred for weekly counselling if you think it would helpt otalk to someone once a week for example. HE will be the one missing out on all the fantastic momnets with your dd.

Original poster

hopey · 19/03/2003 12:53

Trying to be more positive today and tell myself that I'm not missing anything with my partner not being here. He's coming round tonight to take DD out for tea. I'm dreading it. I can't help thinking of him out there meeting other women and I'm at home on my own. I don't want to be lonely and I'm scared I'll be on my own forever. I know that sounds daft, but its the way I'm feeling.

OP posts:

SimonHoward · 19/03/2003 13:22

Hopey

Do not fear being on your own for ever. A friend of mine who is 40 now left her partner last year after many years of troubles and her first thought was 'I'm a single mother, who on earth would want me'.

She has found that there are plenty of ways of getting to make friends and even ways of looking for a new partner.

You just have to be strong and have a bit of courage. Which I think all women have even if they don't realise it. They must do otherwise why would the lot of you put up with all the guys out there that are morons?

addle · 19/03/2003 13:23

Hopey,

could you meet up with a friend while dh is taking out dd? it might help you feel less 'left at home'. With much, much sympathy for the awful position you are in. Addle

Original poster

hopey · 19/03/2003 18:33

My ex-dp is taking the computer away tonight. I'm going to have to buy a new one as the support I've had from you all has really helped me.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread