My partner has left me

[hopey]

I can't believe my partner left me yesterday after over six years. I came home from work at lunchtime and he said straight away that he had to leave. He loves me but is not in love with me and wants to see if there is anything better out there. We haven't been rowing and have got on so well since 16mth DD was born. He even gave me a diamond engagement ring for valentine's day. He is now saying that he has been trying to make it work and has had doubts since DD was born. I don't understand whats happened. I feel so lonely, upset and scared.

hopey, I hope you get to read this somewhere. I can really relate to what you are going through as my dh left me in December. I was devastated initially but things are gradually settling down. It is so scary initially but loads of mums go through this and come out the other end. You just need to focus in on yourself and your daughter now and take things day by day. You can survive this. I got a lot of support from my friends and family - don't feel ashamed about leaning on people at this difficult time. Good luck

WHOA THERE MR HOPEY!

Is he allowed to do that??

I'm back. Have got my own computer. I was having withdrawal symptoms without one.
Am feeling more positive these days, although still a bit wobbly. My relationship with ex-DP is rather rocky at the moment. He's got his own place, albeit without any furniture and no money (my heart bleeds). I still find it hard seeing him when he comes to take DD out. He always manages to upset me, usually by reminding me how he doesn't love me. Don't know whats going on in his head. He's fallen out with his family now, so I've had them on the phone saying how I don't deserve him.
DD is being an angel and not at all affected by it all, thank god!
I still worry about being alone, but finding it easier to cope with. I'm just making sure I get out there and do stuff.

Welcome back hopey!!!

Your poor wee ex-dp...... NOT! He's laid his bed, now let him lie on it (if he has one!!! )

That's the spirit girl. Keep your chin up and concentrate on yourself and your daughter.If he starts to upset you again tell him where to go and seek legal advice.Men can be horrible, selfish to*rs.MY ex took everthing out of the house aswell. Was left with virtually nothing but I picked myself up and started my home again.They think WE rely on them.My a** they rely on us. Sorry for the swearing but they make my blood boil. Take care.

Stick at it hopey - pleased to see you are a bit more positive. One way of looking at it is that he has done you a huge favour - rather than settling for a potentially average (or worse) relationship where at least one of you is not happy, now you have the opportunity to prove to yourself that you can not only cope on your own successfully but in time it will allow you the opportunity to find a much happier and successful relationship.
Don?t worry about not meeting anyone at this stage, you have enough on your plate so try not to think about long term loneliness - I fell into this trap immediately after a split. Instead give yourself time off, concentrate on you and your dd.
One thing that helped me was thinking about everything that he didn?t like that I hadn?t done for ages - filled the house with chinese food. ate toast in bed, used air freshener in the bathroom that was floral, wore big knickers, comfy bras, bought a warm baggy nightie and chucked out those sily nasty riding up things he got me etc. etc. - very therapeutic!!!
Another thought, Go and treat you and dd this weekend - plan a really special day out doing whatever makes you both happy. Doesn?t have to be expensive, afternoon at the zoo/park.shopping for frivolous girly things, whatever.
Also, stay in contact with any friends you have got - it is so important to have adult company at a time like this - invite someone from work over for coffee after work etc. You won?t regret it.
One more thing - I may be way off her so apologise if i am - but if your dd is coping so well and seems really happy with the new set up, maybe it proves that you are better apart. Children can pick up on bad vibes so easily and it can unsettle them, even unconsciously. It can be no fault of the parents as they coudl well be unaware that they are even putting out these vibes themselves.
Stay in touch - so many of us have been through it and can really empathise with you - let us help you!! As doormat says - keep yer chin up !!

My ex-dp has told me that he has a girlfriend. I new there was someone else. It didn't take him long. She's a 19yr old from his works (he's 26)and they're already planning to live together. Its only been three weeks since he left me! The swine! I feel so angry. Well good luck to them. She's gonna need it putting up with him. I just don't like the idea of them playing happy families with my little girl. I feel so confused. I don't want him anymore, but I resent him moving on while I'm still picking up the pieces.

hopey - just read this thread and feel for you. Don't know what to add though - sounds like you're coping as well as can be expected, though he's obviously winding you up. Would getting a friend over to "manage" the handover when he takes your dd / brings her back for a few weeks help?

Hopey,
How awful for you, I think your being very brave.
You say you don't like to think, of your ex DP playing happy families with your DD and his new girlfriend, well I don't think he should !!!
Surely, he should wait to see if this relationship lasts before introducing her to your DD.
My DH had a DD when we met,but waited about 10 months before, he introduced her to me(she was also very young).We felt we wanted to handle it properly, as it had an effect on our future as well.Also, I never went with him to collect his DD, as we thought it would inflame an already awkward situation, and still don't 8 years on.
As the mother of his child he should treat you with some respect,and take your feelings into account.It would also be very confusing for a small child, to get used to someone who suddenly disappears.
I don't think it's too much to ask, that he sees DD alone for a while, afterall she is getting alot less of his time now.

Hopey I am very sorry to hear of the problems you are having. I hope you get a lot of support from those close to you, and the mumsnetters.

Regarding your ex and his new relationship meeting your daughter, I agree that it should be very slow process of introduction. Unfortunately things don't always work out. My father left home when I was 7, for another woman (although there had been plenty others he didn't leave for). Obviously being my dad I really wanted to see him, but whenever I asked he insisted his new woman had to be there too. I didn't wnt to see her, so I asked if I could see him alone, and he refused point blank. Upshot is I saw him once 2 years later then never again, except for the time when I was about 11 and my sister and I saw him in town, and he crossed the road to avoid us. . Personally I think he was just glad to be rid of the responsibility. I have no idea if this is relevent to your situation (I hope not)but just wanted to share it with you.

Hopey, LOL. Check out your legal rights with regard to your little one seeing your ex and his new girfriend. If she's little, you can ask for supervised visits (been there, done that, |) and I hope your ex-inlaws are still being OK with you. Don't ever, ever think it's your fault..I still have days where I think that maybe if I'd done that, maybe he would'nt have gone off with my BEST FRIEND! Cr..p! You are the strong one! Have a new haircut, get your nails done and leave him wondering WHY!! It works, believe me and then one day you can turn around and tell him that you're fine and really mean it! Me, my ex left in the May (Ds born in March) and I had a one-night stand (Oh, shame)in July and we've been together since then (13 years!). LOL and I'm here to talk if you need someone (and so are all the other mums). We stick together and it's always better to talk it out, alhough we can't solve it, we're always listening!

My ex-in-laws have been great. They're not speaking to ex-dp. He sprung a surprise introduction of his new girlfriend on them. They weren't prepared for it, especially as they don't think he should have left me. I know I'll be fine. When I saw him today, I couldn't care less, although I could feel differently tomorrow. I've told him I don't want any contact with him except where our dd is concerned. It will help me move on. I think he's jumped into something without thinking about it. He thinks he's in love. He's just in lust with a young girl who has shown him a bit of flattery.

Absolutely... The things people will do for lust. It's pathetic really. Feel so bad for you, but I hope you can try and look at things for what they are (and him for who he is). Try though not to make your DD a pawn in your anger. 19 for christ sake. She will not want a toddler around cramping her itsy bitsy style any more than she will probably want him around in a few weeks, when he reverts to type, and doesn't want to go clubbing, or doesn't wear skater gear like she thinks he should (or maybe he will - that'll give you a laugh anyway). Berk.

Keep posting, and let us know how you get on. There's someone out there much better for you, and in the meantime, you make sure you keep your chin up, and KNOW you're the better person.

Have been feeling really anxious but don't know why. I know I'm well rid and couldn't care less about what he gets up to with her, but still get weepy. Felt I couldn't face work on Monday, but made myself go in. So glad I did. Was invited to the cinema that night and people I don't even know that well have invited me away with them. I'm getting so much support. And I had myself convinced I'd be on my own. Its amazing how nice people can be when the chips are down.
Seeing ex-dp tonight when he takes dd out for tea. Hope he doesn't bring the girlfriend, don't know how I'd feel around them. I wasn't bothered when I saw him the other day. Hope I feel that way today.

Hopey - don't expect too much of yourself too quickly. You will get weepy still and perhaps for a while yet. But not because you want him back, but more in mourning for what you could've had..... then it'll move onto shedding a wee tear at happy memories. You'll have your ups and downs. The healing process takes a while, but you're definitely over the worst part. You are moving on, you're back at work, you're getting a social life and making new friends. And that's exactly what you need. It's amazing how much people pull together and help isn't it? At times like these you make REAL friendships. You enjoy yourself and rediscover all the things you'd forgotten about yourself.

Perhaps you should tell him out right that you DO NOT want to meet his new girlfriend and you certainly don't want dd to meet her yet.

Like Snickers says - this is a phase he's going through.... she's a passing whim. That 19 year old will run a mile when she realises that he comes as a package. And it isn't all nices days out to the zoo and icnics in the park!!!

You're seem to be doing really well and make sure HE knows it!!

HOpey, hang in there girl. Keep that chin up and just keep on concentrating on yourself and your dd. If he does bring his girlfriend (isn't he so insensitive) just act like you are not bothered in front of them. He will soon get the message. IMO you are better off and in time you will see that. It is just now that it is painful and it DOES go away. Someday someone will come along and give you and your dd all the love and attention that you both truly deserve. Take care.

This you will have to tell ex-dp that you do not want him to introduce his girlfriend until they have been together for a lot longer, it can be a very difficult time for the children, my b/mate introduced her new fella to her daughter who got very attached and 6 weeks later it ended in tears. Now she waited until 12 months before she introduced this one and its going well.

Glad to see that you are being looked after, people can be very nice and caring.

Will he be looking after DD when you go out in the future. Do you confidence good to know that you are getting on with your life, and can guarantee that one day you will look back and remember how you are feeling now and think WHY.

Good luck for tonight.

Ex-dp's new girlfriend has moved in. Raised some concerns with him about dd. He only has a one bedroom flat with DD cot in it for when she stays. I said I was not comfortable with dd seeing him and her in bed together. He says he won't take dd in bed with them, but thats not the point. He says she doesn't want to replace me as a mother figure when dd is with them. I said I should b**y think not! He then went on to tell me how tired he is, implying how she's keeping him up all night.
His mum rang last night to say that she and his dad will come to see me at Easter to help finish all the DIY projects he left unfinished. She's not happy with him. Its good to know I have people to help me. I hope he rots and gets his comeuppance.
I've started on the old herbal remedy to calm my anxiety, and its starting to work. Thank god! I just want to get my life back on track and be happy.

Cripes - look at you! you started this thread less than a month ago and look how much you've moved on. Just wanted to say I think you're doing brilliantly.

I don't blame you for not wanting dd to see them in bed - ugh! Men never see it that way and you can't be sure the new girl will either.

Hopey - I've been reading this thread from the start with great interest - I'm going through almost exactly the same thing as you. My DH has been carrying on with a 22 yr old he works with since Christmas - although he only confessed at the end of Feb - three days after I told him I was pregnant. I also have a DD whose 1 in two weeks! I started off feeling just as you have done - lonely, upset and scared. Now I know that I'm the one with strength and courage and he's the weak, selfish, pathetic one. One thing I've realised though it that you've got to let yourself have bad days - cry as much as you want, shout and scream but don't let it take over you. The best revenge is to live well because we all know that the kind of people who do this will all end up as lonely, sad old men. Just remember to look after yourself and screw him for everything you can get - this was his choice so he can face the consequences. Our partners are obviously boys in men's body and we're well shot of them. I keep telling myself it's a wonderful life and I'm not having him spoil it because he can't keep his p**k in his pants.

Sven, you are right. Men like our respective ex's are pathetic. We are the strong ones, its just hard to be like that all the time at the moment. I like to think that my ex-dp will fall flat on his face while I'll be happy living a more fulfilled life. Hope you are keeping well, especially with another little 'un on the way. Its amazing where we can find the strength from to carry on sometimes. Children do help to keep you going. Don't know what I'd do without DD.

A mutual friend has just told me that ex-dp is not getting on with new girlfriend. What a shame! Apparently they can't stop arguing. They're obviously so well suited. I feel quite smug. I've been torturing myself with thoughts of them being all loved up. Its good to know it may not be the case.

Hi. I've been reading this thread since the beginning although I haven't posted before. I am so impressed with the way you are coping Hopey. I think you are entitled to feel smug, hope it gives you a bit of a boost. xx

Hopey - It's not surprising that they are not getting on!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Idiot that he is.

Within weeks of seeing this 19 year old, she moves into his 1 bedroomed flat where his baby daughter also stays when he sees her!! She's probably totally freaked out. She'll see sense and bugger off soon, leaving him looking more of a prat than he does at the moment.

I think you should tell him straight that you DO NOT want your dd staying there whilst the new bird is dossing with him!!! Have you spoken to a solicitor coz I think you might have legal rights here regarding his 'living arrangements being unsuitable'...not sure though.

And to hear that they are not getting along.... BONUS!!!!!!!!!!! But that is also a reason why you don't want dd around there. She doesn't want to visit Daddy, only to witness him and his new girlfriend rip out each others throats!! Maybe his visits should be limited to day visits rather than stayovers. He needs to realise that dd needs loads of stability and he needs to calm down!

Try not to get too hung up on their relationship though, coz it may hinder the healing process. In saying that, you do seem to be doing really well!!! Keep going the way you are and you'll be feeling great in no time.

You should let him read this thread just as an extra bit of humiliation when he reads what strangers think of him and his 'pre-midlife crisis'!

It's a shame you couldn't broadcast his name without giving away your own identity.

Hopey, Glad to see that things are picking up for you.

I bet that it does make you feel good to know they are not getting on.

What would you do if he turned up full of "I'm sorry's".