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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My partner has left me

95 replies

hopey · 17/03/2003 16:23

I can't believe my partner left me yesterday after over six years. I came home from work at lunchtime and he said straight away that he had to leave. He loves me but is not in love with me and wants to see if there is anything better out there. We haven't been rowing and have got on so well since 16mth DD was born. He even gave me a diamond engagement ring for valentine's day. He is now saying that he has been trying to make it work and has had doubts since DD was born. I don't understand whats happened. I feel so lonely, upset and scared.

OP posts:

breeze · 14/04/2003 17:31

Hopey, Glad to see that things are picking up for you.

I bet that it does make you feel good to know they are not getting on.

What would you do if he turned up full of "I'm sorry's".

breeze · 14/04/2003 17:32

Hopey, Glad to see that things are picking up for you.

I bet that it does make you feel good to know they are not getting on.

What would you do if he turned up full of "I'm sorry's".

breeze · 14/04/2003 17:32

Damn never done that before, was a bit trigger happy on the old return key

Original poster

hopey · 14/04/2003 18:59

If he turns up full of "I'm sorry's" I'll have to be strong and tell him where to go. I know I won't want to. Deep down I still have some feelings for him. But I can't take him back. He'll only hurt me again. I'm going to chance being on my own and see what life turns up for me, painful though it may be.

OP posts:

VIXEN11 · 14/04/2003 23:29

hopey i really feel for you and i think you are very brave. try to find an old copy of "I will survive" by Gloria Gaynor, hopefully it will inspire you.i doubt this new relationship will amount to much if it's only based on lust then you can have the last laugh good luck

ThomCat · 17/04/2003 17:41

Hi Hopey

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation and wish i could say something to make it all better, but nothing is ever that easy. I just wanted to say though that how lovley it was to see how many people have emailed you. You don't ever have to feel alone, there are always people that care. Keep strong mate, you'll look back on all this sooner than you think and be grateful for him leaving you becasue it made room for someone much better to come into your life. You have a great kid and you both deserve the best. I'll be checking in to see how you're getting on with your new and exciting life. Love and strength - Thomcat x

Original poster

hopey · 25/04/2003 06:50

Ex-dp came round yesterday, upsetting me by saying how he knows he did the right thing leaving me, and that he would have done it even if there wasn't anyone else on the scene. I told him a few things he didn't like, and when I said I couldn't see him and the new girlfriend lasting he got all defensive and made out they were for life and all that rubbish. He then started to complain about mutual friends of ours. He's taking her to meet them Saturday and they don't want to meet her. He feels the female of the couple is not being a loyal friend to him as she doesn't like what he's done to me and we're very close. He feels she should be suppporting him. Our male friend of the couple wants to see him on his own to do blokey things. Ex-dp just wants to pick up with her where he left off with me. He wants them all to go out together like we used to, and they don't want to yet. It hurts a bit that they'll all be together, but I know they're still my friends and they're there for me.
Ex-dp doesn't like the fact that I have quite a full social life at the moment, and when I inadvertently let slip that a bloke I've met through work has taken my number, he started asking all sorts of questions. Told him it was none of his business, and he said he's entitled to know! Cheek!
I felt really upset when he left, especially about him being with this girl. But then when I had time to think I saw things better and know I wouldn't want him anyway and she can have him. I think I just want him to be alone and unhappy as I have been. Life is looking more optimistic now. I have a great new circle of friends and am finding it hard to fit everything in! I was so sure I'd be alone and lonely. Now I'm making plans to go out and have fun, even flirt maybe and generally feel better about myself.
It makes me angry though that ex-dp feels he should still know all my business. He doesn't want me but still has to know my every move.
Sorry have been rambling a bit, but needed to get a few things off my chest.

OP posts:

mum2toby · 25/04/2003 08:08

Hopey - you can rest easy and feel smug at the fact that he is a total PRAT! The fact that he seems to be SOOOOOOOOO insistant that him and new bird are getting on WONDERFULLY just shows you that they aren't!

You sound klike you are having a great time and good on you!!

As for him wanting to know..... just don't tell him. It really is none of his business and he can just WANT.

Well done you, getting your life back on track and then some!!!

Rhiannon · 25/04/2003 08:42

Hi Hopey, have just read the entire thread. It sounds to me that you are doing great and you are better off with this man out of your life.

I would definitely consider a solicitor at this stage, what if he let himself in and removed furniture or items that you need? What about changing the locks?

To think he can carry on where he left off with your friends and a new partner, don't think so. Friends always ending staying in touch with one or the other not both.

Definitely do not tell him what your plans are with regard to anything. He'll only try to spoil it. Good Luck, you're gonna be just fine.

breeze · 25/04/2003 08:44

Hopey, you sound so much better, Good for you.

One day he will be on his own, but it is like when your were younger and your parents didn't approve of your boyfriend, you carry on seeing them just to prove a point, even if they had left you to it you would have split up months ago.

He clearly wants to have power over you and wants you to be crying and safe in the knowledge that when this relationship goes tits up (and it probably will) you will be there for him.

try not to take any interest in him and this girl, as he probably enjoys you asking knowing that it still bothers you, the best way to get back at him is to carry on as you are, going out doing things and getting on with your life.

take care.

Ghosty · 25/04/2003 08:45

Hopey ... have been following this thread but not contributing as I wasn't sure what else to add as everyone else is being so great on the advice front. Just wanted to say that I think you are being so strong and that you have kept it together so well ... Good on you! Love G XX

sis · 25/04/2003 14:07

Hopey, just wanted to say the same as Ghosty - this whole thread is a real inspiration. hope things carry on improving for you.

Tissy · 25/04/2003 14:14

Hopey, Rhiannon's right, change the locks. When I moved in with my dh, his ex-wife still had access to a key to the front door, as his son, who went to school in the village had to have one for emergencies. Having already helped herself to anything of any value from the marriage, she then started on my posessions, nothing big mind you, but I was particulary p**d off when my good kitchen scissors went missing, and dss said he'd seen them at his mothers house.

Change the locks this weekend!

Original poster

hopey · 26/04/2003 18:03

Having bit of a moment. Ex-dp has taken the new girlfriend to meet the friends I mentioned earlier. Feel really down about it. Can't help thinking they'll all get along really well and that it used to be me there instead of her. It really hurts. I know they're still my friends but it feels so strange. I really want them not to like her. I know its childish, but thats the way I feel. Why am I so down today when I've been feeling so good lately?

OP posts:

katierocket · 26/04/2003 18:12

hopey, don't be hard on yourself you are doing fantastically, I really admire your strength. It's bound to feel horrible that his girlfriend is meeting your friends - totally normal reaction to feel pissed off about it.

it's still very recently that you split up so you will still have good days and bad days. I know it doesn't help much to say it but you have done the right thing and it's his loss.
LOL
x

AliP · 26/04/2003 20:47

Don't know if it helps but i truly believe what goes around comes around - my dad left my mum with 3 kids when i was 4 and took up with another women (one of many affairs he had). That marriage lasted a few years then he moved on to the next - he's still with her but only after a number of affairs - anyway that's a bit irrelevant but now my mum has this fantastic social life, her kids all think she is the best mum in the world and all of a sudden my dad has 2 elderly parents and a wife with MS to look after - so the man who did no childcare or responsibilty suddenly when he is getting on a bit himself has to do all this caring!
Even my mum now feels sorry for him!!
As for your dd - she will get through it with great respect and admiration for her strong Mum.

Hope this helps, just trying to say it may take a while but ultimately my dad has got his comeuppance (is that a real word?!) and I'm sure ex-dp will as well.

keep smiling
A

Original poster

hopey · 28/04/2003 06:50

Wanted to share this with you. Friends met ex-dp's new girlfriend and have filled me in on what she's like. Apparently she's no stunner, has had her lip pierced which was red and inflamed. She likes ex-dp's car and the flat they live in. She doesn't want children as they're a hassle (she's gonna love dd being there, although she thinks she's cute). She says she moved in with ex-dp because he asked and she thought she might as well as it felt right. It makes me laugh. I really can't see it going anywhere. I am so well out of it.
Ex-dp has got the impression I have a boyfriend. He asked our friend and she told him I have, although I'm not seeing anyone. She told him what a great time I'm having socially and he didn't like it. He asked me when he dropped off dd last night if I had spent the day with my boyfriend and I said no but I might be seeing him Friday. He looked really upset. Hypocrite. I'm going to keep him thinking I'm seeing someone just to wind him up as he obviously doesn't like it.

OP posts:

bouncy · 28/04/2003 09:28

Well done Hopey, I have been reading this and think you are doing fantastic. I was in a similar situation, and ex-b/f came back and I forgave him. Big mistake, you are much better off without him and the longer you are without him the more you will see it.
I take it your friends didn't think that much of her then.

Tortington · 28/04/2003 11:05

you go kick his butt hopey i like your style!

Cha · 28/04/2003 13:12

Have just read this whole thread and it brought me to tears in the beginning and then to laugh out loud at the most recent posts. Hopey, you are an inspiration!Go girl, we're all rooting for you!

bayleaf · 28/04/2003 13:34

Excellent news Hopey - she sounds like a silly cow! - and YES make him squirm for all he's worth imagining you with some new hunk. YOu really sound like you've turned a corner on the long road back to 'normality'

mammya · 28/04/2003 14:17

Go for it Hopey! You'll be much better off without him

beetroot · 28/04/2003 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

hopey · 05/05/2003 07:03

Had ex-dp's parents stay this weekend. They were finishing off jobs around the house that ex-dp had left me with. It wasn't too bad until they left on Sunday. They took me and dd out for lunch and were then taking dd to see her dad and the girl. It was awful when they dropped me off at home. DD was crying, I got upset. It was the thought of them all being together playing happy families. It really got to me. Haven't been feeling my best about everything recently anyway. Ex-mil was really sweet. She said he's not worth it and that I'm the winner in all this, which I know is true. Its just hard. Especially as ex-dp has taken to bringing the girlfriend with him when he comes to mine, although she stays in the car. She daren't come near me!

OP posts:

mum2toby · 05/05/2003 08:49

Hi Hopey - still doing well I see. Well done, but can you not tell ex-dp outright that you DO NOT WANT HER NEAR DD. Really be firm about it. If you are not comfortable about it then he should be told. Did you tell his Mum and Dad that you don't want the little trollop () near dd? They seem to be on your side so perhaps you can leave it to them to set him straight.

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