My partner has left me

[hopey]

I can't believe my partner left me yesterday after over six years. I came home from work at lunchtime and he said straight away that he had to leave. He loves me but is not in love with me and wants to see if there is anything better out there. We haven't been rowing and have got on so well since 16mth DD was born. He even gave me a diamond engagement ring for valentine's day. He is now saying that he has been trying to make it work and has had doubts since DD was born. I don't understand whats happened. I feel so lonely, upset and scared.

Keep your chin up, do not let the bas*ards get you down. Keep yourself busy, find things to do. Be strong, you can do it, you're a woman after all!

Last night I sat in front of the tele, big bowl of hot water and soaked my feet and then gave them a real pampering. Why not try that sort of thing in the evenings? Pop DD in bed and pamper yourself, candles round the bath etc.

Grow some seeds, pop them on a window ledge just keep busy!!

That remote control is all yours too!

Hopey, I think that you have done very well.

I was left by my partner and thought that it was the end of the world, then 6 months later I have moved on, met someone else and he was back trying to get back with me. I had the last word because I had moved on and was happy.

I've read this thread from start to finish and it has been such an inspiration to me. My dp announced on saturday that he loves me but only as a sister figure and he does'nt even want to try to make it work. I was shocked as it was completely out of the blue and I begged him to let us try and sort things out. He eventually agreed and yesterday was fine until he went on a chat room last night.
There's an 18 yr old girl who he's been private chatting since friday night. It didn't bother me at first because he's quite sensible and knows how dodgy some of those chatrooms can be. You don't even have to register to get on this one. They could be chatting until 3 in the morning. Then he was desperate to get a photo of himself scanned and I had a feeling it would be to send to her. I also saw if they were chatting and I walked in the room then he would type "being watched".
His mobile started getting texts saturday morning and since then he's had it stuck to him like a leach and amazingly enough he has his text alert on silent. He says his phone keeps switching the text alert off. Well it's never done it before. He's also trying to set himself up a private e mail address as we've always shared one.

Feeling really insecure after his little announcement I checked his mobile and it had this girls name on it. I questioned him over it and he said it was the woman who deals with payroll at work. When I asked why it was a mobile number he said it was because you couldn't get through to her at the office.
I'd had enough by then and started asking about this girl and if he was mad enough to be getting feelings for this complete stranger. He went mad saying I couldn't love him because I don't trust him. Anyway he stormed out at 5am leaving me feeling so scared and alone.
After reading this thread I feel so much more positive and so much stronger. I've really come to the conclusion that he's not worth it. We have a ds whos 4 and a dd who is 1. Neither are very close to their dad anyway so I really don't think they'd miss him. Sounds awful I know.

My only problem is the house is mortgaged in his name. Where do I stand with that? Would I have to leave or do I have some rights. Hes expecting me and the kids to move into my parents already overcrowded flat while his parents have a big house to themselves. He's also said he wants to see the kids 4 times a week. We may aswell be living together. Thank you all for listening while I got that off my chest. I can't believe we've been together almost 7 years and he wants to throw it away over what?

Angel78 - How awful for you! Men never fail to disappoint and shock me with their complete selfishness!!

I don't have any legal knowledge, but if you are to 'have' the kids then you should stay in the family home and he should move out. And I'm sure any court wuold see it that way. Definitely get yourself down to a Solicitors, today if possible!
You take control of this situation now. Everybody's love changes in a relationship, why can't men deal with that!!! An 18 year old?? He's playing with fire and it's pathetic!!!

Good luck and keep posting. And yes I think Hopey is an inspiration to us all!

Wow angel78 - a massive cyberhug is flying to you right now. Your message is so restrained and calm, but I am sure that you must feel hit sideways by a double decker bus at the moment. It sounds to me like you have an awful lot of sorting out to do - in each of your own heads and then together for obvious practical and financial reasons as well as for the children.
You talk about asking him to stay and work it out but his behaviour suggests that by openly telling you that it is over he has made a mental leap to begin the "beginning of the end" and his insensitve and (lets be honest) rather immature behaviour with chatrooms etc suggests that he is trying to spell it out to you as well as maybe trying to convince himself that he can cope with moving on. From my limited experience, that need to be desirable and "pull" when threatened with an end of a relationship stems from that insecure worry that you will never find anyone else - very selfish and hurtful but not so unusual.

If I were you I would sit him down and let him know that his present behaviour is very hurtful to you - he either stays and makes a proper go of it, or he leaves and makes a clean break. To expect you and the children to leave is very unfair and potentially very upsetting and more disruptive for the children than if he moves out - make him see it as something he can do to help his family rather than himself. I would also make him realise that he may have been feeling this way for a while and have got used to it but you are still at the initial stages of knowing there is a problem and that he should make an effort to be more sensitive.
Whatever happens, remember that your opinions matter and that it isnt all up to him. I am not about to tell you how horrible he is or how you should leave him/kick him out as it is never that simple. All I suggest is that you take time out for yourself and look after your own interests for you and the children. If you are working, take time off work now - it is vital you give yourself head thinking space as what happens now will affect your familys future happiness. Sorry, this is so rambly, there is so much I have said so badly and I feel so much sympathy for your situation. Please look after yourself and let us know how you are coping.

angel78 you are truly wonderful.Your attitude is so positive.Men are so selfish.We look after there needs,cook, clean rear children let alone give birth and for what, to put up with crap like this when they are BORED.Well excuse us women we are bored also putting up with the same drudge day in day out. Seriously though Reading between the lines of your posting it seems to me that you could not care less if he left you. The only thing you would be worried about is the house/financial side.I would find out your legal rights and then screw him for all you can.
If you can get the house out of him all the better.
Sorry about the rant.Hope it all goes well for you.Cyberhugs to you.

I repeat DO NOT MOVE OUT!! Go to a Solicitor asap, find a sympathetic woman solicitor that deals in family law. Let him know you've been, it means nothing that the house is in his name. He has two children that deserve their home and a caring Mum.

This is a very uplifting thread. You strong women are doing so well.
Cyberhugs. xxxx

angel78 - please phone that solicitor NOW and then come and tell us you've done it. PLEASE.

Angel78 I am so sorry you are going through this. You will be fine. You know how I've felt as you have read this thread and it does get better. I still have my down days, but you do really have to believe that you are better without him. You have your children and I have found that they help pull you through. Don't take any nonsense from him and if you ever need to talk I'm here. Keep posting. The friendship and advice offered from all the mumsnetters is invaluable!

Had a major set-to with ex-dp last night. He was supposed to collect DD at 6.30pm to take her out for a couple of hours, he didn't turn up till 8.00pm. I said it was too late to take her out so he could put her to bed. He'd been to London and was late coming back. Had a major row. I said he should have got an earlier train etc. Ended up having a go about his general lateness in picking DD up and his attitude and how new girlfriend is obviously having a problem with DD staying. Said we'll be sticking to set days for access as so far it has been as and when.
Ex-dp ended up getting upset and was crying in my kitchen. Saying how he didn't mean for all this, he knows he did the right thing. I told him I hate him for what he's done. He said he could never hate me. I came so close to giving him a hug, but then thought about everything he's done and just stayed cold towards him.
I know he's having problems with the girlfriend, which satisfies me greatly, but now I'm feeling a bit sorry for him, when I know I shouldn't. I know I'm not truly over him. I really want to be. Its so hard.

Hopey - you were right to stand you're ground and you're definitely right to set some ground rules regarding his access to your dd.
His pathetic attitude is just demonstrating what a weak person he is, and what a strong one you are!!

Stay strong, things WILL get easier. It's all still very fresh for you and he's hurt you beyond comprehension. But you've dealt with it well and still are. Keep going... DONT hug him (he doesn't deserve anything from you, especially sympathy). Keep smiling.

Hopey, I know it is hard and the feelings are still there but pleeaaassssseeeeeee DONT FEEL SORRY FOR HIM. As the saying goes he made his own bed he can lie in it.

He only feels like this and alot of other mumsnetters will tell you the same because YOU HAVE GOT OVER IT AND GETTING YOUR LIFE BACK ON TRACK. Men cannot handle the thought of a woman beginning to cope when a relationship breaks down.

Keep going as you are, remember he never had a nice word to say about you or even to you weeks ago.Dont fall for it please!!!!!!!!!

Don't feel sorry for him Hopey.He's initiated all this . If there was to be any reconciliation or anything it should be on your terms and because you want it.Not because he managed to make you feel sorry for him.
A word of advice - make him realise from now that he must stick to arrangements or at least let you know well in advance if something has cropped up.He must understand as well that dd's routine comes first in all this visitation buisness.I have a friend whose husband messes around with times etc.He blames her if he comes early and they are not ready (eg haven't finished homework)and often turns up late or brings them back late ,then they can't get up for school,are tired etc.I realise dd is young still but better to start as you mean to carry on.

Found out today ex-dp has got engaged. Why am I not surprised? Its only 5 months since he proposed to me the b***d! Not as upset as I though I would be. Pity the poor girlfriend. Although I bet she's loving it all. Can't think his family will be pleased though. So much better off without him. It obviously comes easy to him, getting engaged. Can't mean much to him.

hopey at least you dont feel too bad. Bet you feel that she is welcome to him.Apart from that are you doing ok

I'm doing fine. Got good friends around me. Makes me laugh. He still has to know what I'm doing and who with. Would love to know what he'd do if I met someone else. I think he doesn't expect it to happen, but it might. I've no intention on living like a nun.

Good on you hopey, go and kick your heels up.
Dont live like a nun if you dont want to.LOL

Glad your ok Hopey, you do sound much more together, and you are well rid him.