I understand what my mother did even less now that I have children. What about you - more or less understanding about their decisions and choices now you are a parent?

[thenewme]

Just wondering - no idea why this has suddenly come into my mind.

I am more hurt & less understanding of how my parents treated me/brought me up.

i understand now why my dad used to wait up until i got home from clubbing even though it was 2 am, and make sure i was home safe. and why he was very adamant we all worked bloody hard at school. and why my mum made sure we were all able to cook a simple meal, iron our clothes and take responsibility for ourselves from our teens. i hear things they both said to me coming out of my mouth now to my children !! so much more understanding now.

I understand my Mum's choices even less.

Forcing us to stay at the table for hours if we didn't eat, yelling and screaming like a banshee at the slightest thing and showing no sign of affection.

What I understand even less is how my dad hasn't hit her over the head with a shovel - she still treats him the same way (although I don't think she forces him to stay at the table!).

Thing is, my Dad is the sweetest, kindest man and I hate to see her treat him like this.

No kids yet but I think without them I have grown to understand how hard things were for my mum with three young kids and being so isolated.

I am thinking those of us that were badly treated are going to understand our parents less, and those with a good upbringing are going to understand more.

Crikey yes, my Mom was very strict about going out/bedtimes etc I find I am frequently using my Mom's stock phrases.

I find it hard to understand how my parents were during/after their divorce though, they acted/act like kids themselves.

Hmmm, I appreciate more how hard it was for her, but I do wish she had made different decisions. Letting me see my dad for one after they split up when I was one.

I feel exactly the same as sleighgirl.

I am somewhat understanding, in that she had 6 children. Having my own children has really highlighted the damage done to me and my siblings. I now know that my mother is a narcissist and my father was very possibly bi-polar. What a disastrous combination..

Definitely more understanding. And feel I had an excellent upbringing, which would fit your hypothesis Thenewme.

The longer I am a parent, the more I realise what a truly crap childhood I had

At least I know what not to do...

Oh less, I still can't fathom out how she could treat us all so differently and put one child before another and still does. Maybe as my children get older I will become more understanding but I doubt it!

Less understanding... She had me and my brother but we were both raised by my grandmother and auntie respectively pretty much from birth. I don't understand why you have kids if you are going to let them be brought up by someone else. BTW, we are not talking about normal CC, we literally lived away from my parents, seeing them on some weeknights and occasionally on weekends, they stay over. Staying at my parents' house was a rare treat that happened in the school holidays! It was a shock when at age 11 (for me ) and age 7 (my brother), we were taken away from what we considered our family to live with my parents!

Now my mum sees my DS and after an hour with him, remarked how hard work children are and how she could never have been able to bring us up! Then why have kids (Mind you, I'm not saying I wish I had never been born.. Just wished she had taken more of an active role in the parenting... )? It still puzzles me...

Much more understanding, I had no idea it was so hard! I took so much for granted, and now I only hope that my sons will be more forgiving of my shortcomings!
But then I think I had good enough parents.

Less understanding of most things. It still makes me angry.

A bit more understanding re early childhood, less understanding re adolescence.

but hanapartridge, that was probably what they were told to do (or was the norm) in those days? I don't even give a second thought to the fact that my mum didn't breastfeed me for more than 6 weeks - I know that she was given bad advice because people didn't know better in those days. I understand that they were bringing us up in the context of their era, just as I am bringing mine up in the context of my era!

Less understanding. I would never leave DS or put alcohol before him. Its probably not PC to say it but I cannot see how alcoholism even if its a disease can be a stronger pull than motherhood.

some things I understand more, some I cannot understand at all. Like my mother buying bars of chocolate instead of loo roll. Very poor choices, my parents always made. Not taking care of the essentials, while frittering on luxuries.

They are still the same today. Now there's only the 2 of them it's their choice and their problem, but I feel they owed more to their children than to behave like that when we were little.

I also do not understand how they could have allowed us to become so so fat, when we had no access to food but what they gave us. They let us down by not taking action when we were small children. I'll never understand that.

When I would be breast feeding at 2.30am,or cleaning up sick from my daughters bedroom floor or worrying about a high temperature or cleaning the most revolting smelly bottom, I would think of my mother and that she must have done all of these things too. How hard it all was and she would have had terry nappies too.
What I still cannot understand is how she decided to leave two of her three children with their father, her first husband, when she left him. She wont talk about it much-just says she thought they would have a better life with him and that her mother with whom she was going to live wouldn't let her bring more than one child with her. She left the two younger ones, a toddler and baby because she says they would not miss her in the same way the older one would. Her ex husband went to live in Nigeria so she didn't get to see them again for years and they do not have a close relationship now.
I would look at my babies and wonder how she could have done that and conclude it must have been a heartbreaking decision and maybe made under mental and physical health conditions that influenced her [he used to beat her up and not give her any money]

More understanding of some things but less of others. I guess if you have a short fuse and little self-control then there are plenty of things about kids to push your buttons. I couldn't bear dd to habitually flinch from me they way I did with mum though. I don't really get the total lack of control and all the screaming and slapping.

pushchair that really is hard to imagine. I guess logistically, she had, or felt she had, no choice.

My bmother left me in my cot all day while she worked, coming to feed me at lunch time, up to 9 mo when I was adopted. I get the logistics, but even now she seems to think it was basically OK (and only became a problem when I had to be tied in ). I guess it's not all that unusual - or wasn;t then - but I just don't really understand how that could seem OK.

I'm more understanding of my mum's anxiety and fearfulness - I really seem to have lost my nerve in all kinds of ways since having dd.

Is it just me - or did parents in those days not play with their kids much?

I understand most things about my childhood. And I also understand that at one point, when we moved countries, my parents were a little out of their depth and that had an impact on their ability to guide us making decisions that would impact our future.

Some things I think were cruel and unnecessary - but, as other posters have said, part and parcel of the era I grew up in.

I don't understand why my Mum would always put the latest boyfriend first, in fact way ahead of me and db.

I don't understand why my Mum continued to be good friends with a man who it transpired was on the sex offenders register. I mean really good friends, he came on holidays with us, took my brother out for day trips etc. Nothing untoward ever happened and my Mum said that he wouldn't do anything to someone he knew, but my goodness I wouldn't ever ever ever take that risk. They are still in contact now, but luckily he rarely goes to her house. I've told her that he is not to be there when my dc's go to stay and tbh I'm not absolutely convinced that she has got that message.

I don't understand why she never hugged me, but always hugged my db - she says I didn't want to be hugged, I don't remember her ever trying.

Whats odd about this is that now we have a reasonably good relationship and although she was a very bad mother, she is now a great grandmother.