I understand what my mother did even less now that I have children. What about you - more or less understanding about their decisions and choices now you are a parent?

[thenewme]

Just wondering - no idea why this has suddenly come into my mind.

going back to the feminism thing, shouldn't your dad have been doing the ironing differentname (if he was around, that is)
I mean, there again I see mothers putting pressure on their daughters to help them keep the house tidy (mine was a shit housekeeper and would hold me responsible for it). Or the idea that girls would be kept in to "help" while boys were sent out to play. it's totally patriarchal. These women were under serious pressure.

It doesn't make it right that they took it all out on their children though And so many mothers had it worse and didn't abuse their kids...

It's just that I wonder whether all these mothers who clearly had something "lacking" woudl have been so manifestedly awful if they had been supported more in other ways.

The older my DC's get the more angry I am with my mum and I really can't understand why she did what she did to us.

I've been thinking a lot about family this week as younger brother has just emigrated to Oz and we've been talking about our childhood.

When my DC1 (8) came up to me the other day and put his arms round me and said I love you mummy, it was a wonderful thing and actually made me think about the last time I did this to my mum, I can't remember. I can't remember her telling me she loved me, I remember her telling me she didn't like me, I was a mistake, I was a cold fish but not her telling me she loved me. I make a point of telling my DC's every single day how much I love them.

She used to blackmail me with everything to do what she wanted, if I wanted to go to a friend's house, school disco, school concert it was held over my head for weeks every time I didn't do things the way she wanted, so I stopped everything, it gave her nothing to manipulate me with. We were known as the dirty kids from the dirty house, went to school with unwashed uniforms, etc. We were bullied so badly, she refused to buy me deodorant and sanitary towels so I had to use folded up toilet paper, we were not allowed money of our own.

Used to try and put me down in front of her friends to make herself look clever - she still tries that but she really is so thick it's easy to knock her back without her realising it, but she likes to use me to score points.

The list goes on and on, and now she's a shit grandmother, never remembers birthdays, forgot the DC's at Christmas.

I have two siblings one 11 months younger than me, one 11 years younger and we all have the same story. Mum's interpretation of our childhood is completely different she tells me that I'm making up stories for attention.

As I've got older and had my lovely DC's I've got a huge ball of resentment towards my mum for her treatment of me and to an extent my dad becuase he never stopped her, he never stepped in to change things. Everything they did I do the opposite and obviously I get tired, make mistakes, shout at the DC's at times, but I hope in the future when someone asks them about their childhood they say how happy it was and how loved they were.

I don't understand why mum choose to adopt me.

My Bm was her daughter - the problems that would cause in the family as I grew! I also don't understand why she would have even considered adopting, at the age of 50, after the first child she adopted (my biological cousin) had walked away from her 20 years earlier after finding out he was adopted. How could you even begin to open yourself up to that much pain again?

That said, she was a fantastic mother, I could never be as patient as she was.

But part of me wishes she had thought through the consequences of adopting me at 50. My biological mum was 15 when she had me and the youngest of four so the age gap between me and my siblings is 15 years plus. I grew up with parents that everyone thought were my grandparents, when I was 19 my dad died, aged 73 of a heart attack and at 21 my mum was diagnosed with dementia on top of the crippling arthtitis she already had, so at 21 I was looking after her and had no parental support. At 30 I still feel jealous of people who can turn to their mum for help. I esp. felt this when I had my first child and sat in front of mum, desperate for her to give me advice as it is she can't even remember my children's names

I also don't understand why she treated me so much better than she treated my siblings, maybe because she was a lot older when she had me and could see the mistakes she had made, or maybe because I was the youngest, whatever the reason it lead them to a lot of resentment towards me and as a result I have little contact with them or their children. The only family I have is the one I created.

My dad would have, and did on occasion. But it was differentname's job, so I did it.

I don't agree that she was under pressure. She had 2 children. Both had the lions share of the work to do. She cooked, dad washed up. She ran a hoover around now & then because that also, was my job. Except my sisters room.

She did the washing, hung it out. I brought it in & e ironed it as soon as I could (normally the weekend due to homework etc). Dad did his shirts (and extra if he had time) as he needed them. If I needed uniform, I did it as & when, the night before.

There was nothing missing, just the fact that she didn't want me & didn't love me. And that manifested itself in her treating me very differently to my sister & it was very apparent!

You know, it wasn't the jobs I had to do. It wasn't the fact that, at 16 most of my weekly wage went to her for food, board, electricity, phone bill, or the fact that she was strict, gave with the right hand & took it back, as soon as, with the left....

It was the fact, that no matter what, I NEVER felt loved. That is all I wanted. Love. She never showed me or told me.

And when I left the UK, I saw her. We walked past each other in the post office one day. She ignored me. Knew it was me (even tho we hadn't spoken for 14yrs) and knew I was leaving the UK for good.

If that doesn't back up the theory that she didn't love me, I don't know what does.

I find myself more understanding of why it is sometimes necessary to say "Look, just DO this (because I say so)." When children ask for a reason, they often just want something they can get their teeth into and argue against - just as I used to!

If I was being abused, I could be mad at my stepdad for not doing anything. But it wasn't that...she was emotionally vacant.

I was 9 when I woke after an op under GA, all alone in hospital. She refused to come back when I asked the nurse to call her. She had work the next day.

It was dad that sat with me night after night when I had chicken pox at 13. Again, I remember calling her when she was at work, feeling so ill & just wanting her home. She wouldn't come.

When I started my periods, I wasn't at home. I called her to ask her what I should do (she hadn't thought to buy me anything to prepare me) and she sent stepdad. I tlod her I wanted to see her, but she was 'too busy'

She was a dinner lady, ffs! I don't know why stepdad didn't think to stay at home, I guess he had a choice too.

After all that, my sister kicked a door at school. They were mainly glass in wood frames, but had metal kick plates at the bottom, she misjudged it & kicked the glass. Her foot went through. My mum left work, picked her up from school & took her to hospital & stayed with her.

Even now I can't get over the injustice. The way she dropped it all for my sister, but yet I was left to fend for myself.

So many sad stories of awful parenting here. I think I mostly understand how my Mum was when I was younger now. She ws quite strict, but she was asingle parent and if she had let me do something nad anything had happened to me my Dad would have obviously blamed her.

She used to shout a fair bit too, but again she was working full time and was probably exhausted and stressed.

All in all my Mum did her best. I wouldn't say I hada great childhoopd, but that was more to do with my parents divorce than any parenting choices.

I think its more than just having DCs because as I've got older I've been able to see my parents as people, with their warts and all.

My childhood was fine but reflecting on it I have things that I will and won't do to (hopefully) make my DC's better. Mostly around showing emotion and affection openly which my parents didn't do very much. It wasn't about a lack of love, I felt secure but there was never much hugging, touching or telling us that we were loved.

But then I look back and both of them were essentially brought up by victorian parents (late babies on both sides - my GPs were born at the turn of the centuary). It helps me to understand and change me, to help my DCs.

And swallowed my dad was/is very passive in their relationship. I feel for my mother - she had to do all the traditional gender role but she was very much a feminist - we were brought up to know there wasn't anything we couldn't do. Now that's something I am going to emulate.

I don't understand how my mother could constantly tell me such negative things about the way I looked and my body - things that have affected my self esteem my whole life and that I still struggle with now.

There are other things that I understand more now though.

differentname . I shouldn't have used your post as a "case"
sincere apologies

I think I'm being deliberately detatched when I read this thread. You are right., There is absolutely no excuse for the way these women behaved.

I don't think I'll ever understand why my Mum chose to have six children and then spent every minute of the day ensuring there was no trace of them visible in her immaculate home.
I'll never understand having six children but being unhappy about weekends and school holidays when we were going to be at home.
My mum died when I was 17 and I don't think I ever had a conversation with her because if we were at home she'd be cleaning and we'd be sent out to play.
It's ironic that when she became terminally ill (my siblings were aged 10 12 and 14) her major concern was employing two cleaners to ensure her standards were maintained.

It's OK, sakura. Really.

I hope that I am more aware of my flaws and the effect they have on my children but maybe you can't be.

My mother had a spotless home, full-time job, we were fed, dressed and looked after. But she was always busy. She would say it was necessary but even now she's retired she is always busy. It is her choice to a certain extent.

My vow is to always have time for my children, fuck the housework. asd maybe you feel the same?

Oh definitely, she'd be horrified at my "lived in" house, the fact there are toys in the lounge, I don't hoover daily, the list is endless.
I am sad at what she missed though, she never talked to us, played games or had fun. If we went out she'd have been up hours beforehand cleaning and would rush to get back to clean some more.
My grandma was the same so I suppose it's the only way she knew a couple of my sisters and a brother are the same but the fascination with housework is most definitely missing here

I'm sorry some of you felt so unloved. :(

This thread makes me feel very lucky. We had some rough times but I know my parents loved me and did the best they could.

Like many others I found it really sad looking back over my childhood once I became a mother.

I remember vividly being told off (after I had done a great deal of housework) by both of my parents for dropping a cooking pan by accident. Shortly after this by birthday was forgotten by both parents.

So when I was 12 years old I hitched a plan to ensure I get an education and get out as soon as I possibly could. Right there and then I recognised the futility of it all.

I see myself as a kid now and I'm so proud that I stayed positive, even supporting myself financially from such a young age.

Somehow I managed to realise that the abuse and neglect was my situation but not through my doing.

more understanding of my mum's choices, especially how hard they must have been. my mum left my dad in the clothes she stood up in to escape dv, terrified that if she took me then she'd lose the custody battle. my poor mum :-(

my dad on the other hand i understand and sympathise with even less, though i never have much. he had long enough as an adult to take responsibilty for his behaviour afte making the same mistakes over and over again. he is arrogant and deluded and everything he suffers is his own fault. its his fault my sister is very depressed and its his fault that i dont speak to him.

I don't understand why my mum treated me the way she did. When I had DD, I couldn't understand how my mum could hit her eldest child daily, as I could never imagine doing that to DD. Before I had DD, I was terrified that when I became a mother, I would end up like my mum. But having DD, I know how much I love her and cherish her, so I feel my mum never loved me truely, hence why our relationship is pretty much non-existent now.

Tammy - I hear you. I just do not get anyone who hits their children. It seems so un-natural.

My relationship with my mother is pretty much non-existent. There is nothing there and I feel no guilt about this, due to the way I was treated.

I hope it does not sound precious but I can not in a million years ever imagine not remembering a birthday for my child?

dontknowwhy, it is terrible. But your post sounded really positive in the way that you took care of yourself. It took me years to finally figure out it wasn't my fault and that I was better off without both my parents.

At the end of the day, DD is the most important thing to me, and if anything, my parents taught me how I shouldn't be a parent.

I don't understand my parents. They were completely self-absorbed and benignly neglectful. They did the absolute bare minimum required of them to look after us and no more.

I try to nurture my girls - if they show an interest in something I encourage it. I take them to the theatre, I take them on walks to look at nature, I take them swimming. I want them to be the best they can be.

We didn't do extra curricular activities unless we begged and pleaded until we were blue in the face, and then got no encouragement if we were good at something. I did well at school, but all entirely off my own bat.

I could have been a champion gymnast, or a world class singer. But my parents didn't develop these talents, so now I'll never reach my full potential.

I'll never forgive them that.

I have a very poor relationship with both my parents - very little affection on both sides.

I have never and will never understand the way my parents treated my brother and I. My mum is now offering to help me out with my children in a way she never did with us.
My parents were both too young, didn't know what they wanted and were essentially far too selfish to have children.
I am by no means the perfect parent but I have always been absolutely determined not to repeat their mistakes and to treasure my children.