I understand what my mother did even less now that I have children. What about you - more or less understanding about their decisions and choices now you are a parent?

[thenewme]

Just wondering - no idea why this has suddenly come into my mind.

I also don't remember my mother hugging me and she said she was upset when I stopped wanting to be hugged. She was much more attentive to my brothers, they noticed this too. Which is all the harder to understand because one of my mothers problems with her mother was that the son was favoured.

no i dont understand my parents.

i dont understand why my mum was more concerened with a tidy house and our appearance because of "what will the neighbours say" rather than playing with us and spending time with us.

i dont understand why she stayed with my dad who was/is an alcoholic and why she still to this day says i stayed in an unhappy marriage because of you lot,why didnt she leave then,we were all miserable and would have jumped for joy had she split and my dad had left.

i dont understand why some of us were favoured over the others and why she used to manipulate situations with my dad by telling him were had been bad so he would hit us and she would stand there and watch.

i decided my children were NOT going to be brought up like we were and i love and treat mine the same.

i understand how hard things were for my mum she had 4 girls ,she was a good mum although my 2 elder sisters have another story.
i have 3 kids and i struggle every day so how she coped with an extra one i will never know but
she was never one for hugs or 'i love you's'
she never played with us or spent any one to one time with us.
now im a mum i appreciate her more shes not perfect but then who is

Not less understanding. Just less forgiving.

Bit of both really.

I don't understand how she could physically attack us the way she did, as though we were adults using all her strength. On the other had I do understand her anger, kids can make you very angry but I couldn't hit my tiny, defenceless children the way she did us.

I don't understand why she felt the need to control our emotions. We were ridiculed if we cried, hit or threatened if we expressed anger. Every single reaction was controlled by her.

Don't understand how she could lie to our Dad about us so he would think badly of us. She still does that now. She always has to come first with him. Jealous of her own children.

She is another one who changed and is a fabulous grandmother and very supportive mother to me now.

I think children "happened" to people back then. There was a lot less choice socially with regard to having children and family planning etc. Whereas as now most children are planned and cherished. Every day I can't believe how lucky I am to have my children. I don't think a lot of our parents felt like that about us sadly.

I understand why there are not many photos of me -a third child- and it always used to upset me. She must have been manic, 3 young kids in terry nappies, no jars to fall back on , not much money, experienced racism, made clothes for us that kind of thing.

However I just don't get why she was so strict, hysterically so.
The things we were not allowed to do - her reactions when I said I wanted to stay over at someone's house or play over with them. NO understanding of teenagers whatsoever, girly stuff, make up and boys, never got us to experience any social scene whatsoever. Laughed and made light of it when I told her that I was being harrassed sexually by a older family friend. I just don't undertsand how she having 3 girls could behave like that.

I also understand the anger and frustration now but still can't fathom how she could slap a 8 yo across the face so viciously in front of other people.

LJB - interesting slant on it.

I once told my mother I couldn't understand how she could give me up and that I would never forgive her. I was tolf off by my SW for that.

I will NEVER understand how she could stay with my father knowing that he was an evil, abusive monster. Even if she convinced herself that it was all aimed at her, she knew we lived under a constant cloud of fear and intimidation.

I will NEVER understand how she could leave my father after he finally went mad and subjected her to some absolutely unthinkable things - and then send my brother and I there for the weekend on contact visits that I begged her not to make me go on. Until he did some more unthinkable things and we were finally allowed to stop.

But I have more understanding of the pressure she was under day to day.

I started off not understanding, now I do in a strange sort of way.

My mom's biological mother dies when my mom was 7. No-one explained anything to her - just one day her mom went away, and she was told that her mom was dead. Subject closed.

3 months later, her dad (my Grandpa) re-married to a woman who abused my mom.

My mother was very neglectful - couldn't show love etc. For a very long time, I "knew" that she did the best she could. My dd is now almost 7 and I had a total lightbulb moment the last time my mother came to visit.
She has a poor broken 7yo inside her that is probably still pining for her mother. The thought of the same thing happening to my dd makes me want to cry -yet it did happen to my mom.
So, although I understood on a mental level before, I understand on a more emotional level now.
It has changed my relationship with her - I keep imagining the poor sad 7 year old wanting her mom. Now I feel like the parent who needs to nurture her.

She is just not able to be close to anyone - she is too broken.

God some harrowing stories here. Respect to you all ladies. YOu have proved it is possible to end a cycle of abuse. I am very moved by many of these posts. Purpleduck, you have such compassion to forgive, crush and provincial you are true survivors, all of you...I really admire you. And for the person who said that they felt lucky to have her children, and doubted her parents felt the same, thought that was beautiful. I tell my children every day that I am lucky to have them because, even though I never suffered the things people here endured, I never felt my parents felt lucky to have me.

I think I understand why may parents acted as they did / still do on an intellectual level, but not at all on an emotional level.

Like EachPeach9BTW, your daughter is gorgeous!), as I get older, I realise what a crap childhood I had in many ways

I find it increasingly difficult to maintain a postive relationship with her. And I feel guilty about that, but cannot change the way I act with her

Fleurlechaunte-you could be describing my mother there.

she was in a nutshell jealous of her kids and had to come first with my dad,still has to at xmas time if he wants to give us or buy us anything,she will talk him out of it and then tell us, a couple of years ago he gave me a lovely tin of biscuits,she was out and next time i saw her she said I SAID I WAS DECIDING who got which tin, (even tho she doesnt celebrate xmas).

she def has a problem with me,im the eldest and she still feels the need to punish me,she regularly told me as a child that she wanted to put me in the dustbin when i was a baby and that i ruined her big white wedding and she tried to sabotage my friendships,last year she phoned me up in tears telling me she couldnt go on without me at her side (i had cut off contact as had got wise to her ways) and that she had to decide whether or not to cut me out of her life so i said well thats up to you.

i do sympathise,she was given away as a baby as my grandmother wasnt married only for a member of the family to go and get her from the home and she never knew her dad and this has made her insecure and very needy/clingy,so i understand to that extent.

Jenk my Mum was still incredibly controlling of our emotions until a couple of years ago. When my Grandmother on my Dad's side died (my Mum did not get on with her surprise, surprise), I felt totally unable to show any grief and when my sister rang up to express her sympathies she tutted and said to me "your sister always did love a drama". She also ummed and aahed about going to the funeral knowing my Dad would beg her to and then got the hump because she was not paid for doing the catering for it .

I too sympathise though. She had an awful childhood, she was taken into care and hospitalised a number of times for malnutrition and that is not the worst of what went on. I think she feels the need to control absolutely everything because she had so little control as a child. I don't think she had any idea how to have normal reactions. She had never been taught. Really sad, but at the same time she was very intelligent about other things I would say that she has very low emotional intelligence and is very lazy about developing it. It is possible to do. I did it and it seems alot of people on here have too.

I dont understand my mum didnt then and even less now. I wonder how someone can be so manipulative, controlling and horrid

to hear so many sad stories.

My mother had a crap childhood - maybe I should be more forgiving? But mine was a lot lot worse and I haven't done any of the things she has done. Can't list them as no one would believe me.

I would, with the mother I had.

i understnd her less, can't understand why she did some of the disgraceful things she did.
things i could never say or do to me dd.

thenewme I am sure plenty of people would believe you. Why wouldn't they?

I think I find it harder to understand the things my mum did but I find it easier to forgive them now - but that is because she has changed and is a different person now. It must be much harder when your mum continues to behave in the same ways.

So many sad posts.

Thankfully my mother is 'normal' compared to everything mentioned here. And I do think I understand more the pressure she was under now - I recognised it as a teenager but you don't really understand until you have children yourself.

She was a single parent from when I was eight, had a career and two children to hold together all on her own - it was bloody tough.

At one point she was very seriously ill and nearly died because we two had been told she was ill so didn't realise when she got really bad, IYSWIM. I was about 14 and my sister 11 and I was more worried about stopping my sister throwing tantrums and disturbing my mother - thank God my uncle came to visit and realised she was slipping into unconsciousness.

I am VERY grateful that I don't have to struggle the same way she did, and have a dh who ten times the man my father was.

TPL - because I can hardly believe the stuff that has happened to me and I'm still alive.

thenewme... that shows how strong you are, and especially if you havent carried on that legacy from how your mum was treated and how she treated you. its an amazingly brave thing to step out of that cycle.

I don't feel strong.

Like Sleighgirl said, I hurt more & understand less now that I am a parent myself. Right or wrong I want my DCs to feel unconditionally, selflessly loved by me ? I want them to know that they are my world. I feel even more insecure now at 35 than I did when I was younger just because of the feelings I have for my DS which my Mother so clearly didn?t have for me.