I understand what my mother did even less now that I have children. What about you - more or less understanding about their decisions and choices now you are a parent?

[thenewme]

Just wondering - no idea why this has suddenly come into my mind.

My Mum is great, I just hope that I can live up to how well she held herself together through a loveless marriage, a divorce, step-kids, strange DILs ..... I understand FAR more now and love her more for what she must have given up for us.

don't ever see why i could be understanding of a woman who used to hit me and send me to my grandfathers to be abused every weekend. Kids or no kids.

AnAngelWithin

angle so sorry she did that to you.
she didn't derserve to have kids imo.
some bitches don't dersrve children
xxxx

so sorry and Angel.

On a rare visit to my mother her boyfriend tried it on but she didn't believe me (said she did years later to someone else in the family but is still with him).

I am more aware of the pressures my mother encountered. However they were the same diffties that most mothers face. I am less understanding of how she handled the situations and how that impacted on me and DB.

I would like to feel that I handle the joys and difficulties of parenthood in a m anner more positive for DS

i understand a lot more about my dad's overprotectiveness, and less than ever about my mum's suicide. i am also a LOT more angry about the latter.

i also understand a little bit more how my dad must feel to have lost a son, and less than ever about how he keeps going every day under that burden.

cyLENT - Good grief, my heart goes out to you

Angel - you too hun, my thoughts are with you, I am so happy you have been brave enough to carry on and be strong and have your own lovely children, all credit to you.

holden, what are you talking about?

Can't list them as no one would believe me.

You have been conditioned to believe this & it isn't true. There is plenty of support here, should you wish to tell your story.

I am less understanding of my parents. I love my dad to pieces, but he convinced mum to have me (she wanted a termination) and then left her when I was 6. I know that isn't a reflection on me, but she withheld emotionally from me for years & he left us to it. She started to play games when he left & I barely saw him, thus making me feel like no one loved me.

She had choices, I know she had a crap life too but she choose to tell me that she hated me, tried to abort me & wished I'd never been born. I don't think any 16yr old needs to know that!

Can't list them as no one would believe me.

You have been conditioned to believe this & it isn't true. There is plenty of support here, should you wish to tell your story.

I'm repeating that because it's important, and true. Your abusers said nobody would believe you - they said it purely to serve themselves. You can tell if you like, there are enough of us here to believe you and you are free to talk now.

pushchair so sad that your grandmother refused to allow her daughter (your mother) to bring her babies with her Fancy making your daughter choose one child! I think your grandmother has a lot to answer for

Oh, just read your Add message | Report | Message poster pushchair Fri 12-Dec-08 18:10:10 post. "She was much more attentive to my brothers, they noticed this too. Which is all the harder to understand because one of my mothers problems with her mother was that the son was favoured."

well, from what I have learned on the stately homes thread, your mother repeated the cycle with you because she couldn't face her own pain. She had to tell herself that she was loved, that she was treated okay, and that enabled her to treat her kids the same way she was treated. It's really fucking hard to admit to yourself that your mother didn't love you the way she probably should have, and that's why people tell themselves their mother did love them and therefore her behaviour was perfectly fine

I want to add a feminist analysis here.

Women are poorer than men, it's called the feminization of poverty. And yet mothers have practically all the responsibility for child-rearing. Even if a woman works. the buck stops with mum.
Society is not supportive of mothers. It's very judgemental, always interfering, but is under no obligation to help them. If the family owns one car, it's dad who uses it. IF the mothers struggles to get the kids to school on time, she should be offered a taxi service until she can get herself together and sort out whatever is going on in her head. WOmen need support in order to mother properly.

Add to that, women have pressures on them just for being women.
I think that as women's status improves over time, and women get more power in society, and have access to more of society's resources, rather than just pecking at the scraps they're allowed in their minimum wage or dead-end "mommy track" jobs, then mothering will become easier. MOthering should never have become as difficult as society made it be during the 20th century.
I'm angry and sad for all the women who were oppressed by society during the twentieth century, by their husbands, the establishment, and for the children who were given away into care because their birth mother wasn't married or some other spurious, patriarchal reason.
I also agree with the sentiment earlier that children "happened" to women.

'for the kind of woman she was i was probably the worst fit child she could have had '

Oh me too swallow. The worst possible match.

I just so hope dd and I get along better than that.

same here, more hurt & less understanding of how my parents treated me/brought me up
and still waiting for a "sign" which will never come

I understand my mum less now I have children.

She was ridiculously strict and she dominated me and my siblings. I was never allowed out to play and never once had a friend in my house - it amazes me that I managed to make any friends.

I also now know that she loves her "imaginary friend in the sky" far more than she loves me.

I understand less. Not treated well.

I understand less.My mum whinged on and on for years about how hard it was being a single parent(true but she had her parents help massively). Left my sister and I with them when she met new man(despite everyone warning her he was a wrong-un),had my other sister and then spent the next few years making our lives a misery(splitting with him,getting back together). Eventually split for good when I was 17(leaving her with masses of debt) but still blamed it all on my grandparents!(they didnt give her enough freedom or let her go out!-no because you had 2 small dcs she should have been parenting!).
Did the exact same thing with my youngest sister-left her to be mainly brought up by myself,sister and gandmother(and then freaked when my sister refused to be controlled by her any longer!).
I have never been good enough for her-not thin enough,wasted my education by being a sahm!.We estranged now-surprise surprise!.

yeah SaF, my mum sounds like yours. I was told I was born "faulty"
And yet, she has her good points... or at least that's what I told myself for a long time. I think I blocked out the bad

for the kind of woman she was i was probably the worst fit child she could have had

I used to wonder that too,....but then I remember trying so hard to please her. All I wanted was to be treated the same as my siblings. But I wasn't & learnt pretty quickly & pretty early on that I had to go over & above to get her approval.

There was always something wrong with everything I did, even if it was OK last week, or the time before.

One of my many jobs was the ironing. I used to do it on a Sat afternoon, when everyone was out (I was 13 at the time & left alone a lot). Because it was just me, I did it in front of the TV. She knew this & was happy with this, 'as long as it gets done' (which is always did). However, one day she bought a 'friend' home and went ballistic at me. Told me it was 'common' to iron in the lounge, with the TV on. She upset me so much that when I moved it all, I put the iron down (not really being able to see, though tears) and put it too close to the kettle. Burnt a hole in the kettle. I replaced it.

But the next time I got the iron out, and did it in the kitchen it was 'can't you do that in the lounge, I'm busy'. So I really couldn't win, no matter how hard I tried to 'fit' her.

flashbacks! memory triggering differentname