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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it acceptable for a married man to call on a single woman after the pub shuts?

526 replies

harman · 08/12/2008 11:21

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
turquoise · 10/12/2008 10:44

I just don't see what difference the time of day makes.

You either have integrity and self control, or you don't. Alcohol, night, day, whatever - they're just excuses.

The sad thing is that so many people on this thread do not believe they or their fellow human beings have that integrity.

noiamnot · 10/12/2008 10:48

I would be interested in hearing what happens next time harman encounters this man....

daftpunk · 10/12/2008 10:50

turquoise...i'm 35, i could count on one hand the amount of men i've seen that i'd have sex with...this isn't about self control, it's about respecting your partner, and i'm sorry, but if a married man goes back to a womans house (at any time of the day)..to ...what was it? look at xmas decorations?? then that's a bit suspect imo.

harman · 10/12/2008 10:55

This reply has been deleted

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Marina · 10/12/2008 11:04

Cheer up harman, I know who I'd rather have a coffee with on this thread

HolyGuacamole · 10/12/2008 11:12

Jesus, this is all getting a bit out of hand Harman I think you are out of order not because of the xmas decoration thing but with the insults... and yes, I have read all of the thread.

Also, the person who said 'deservedly'. Personally I don't think anyone deserves to be cheated on. If a person is with someone who is a paranoid whinger, then they do have the option of leaving and not just cheating

twitteringbirds · 10/12/2008 11:12

Harman, I have been reading this thread a while and think it's very sad that there's a fundamental lack of trust between the genders from some posters.

I can see there's a case for that where somebody's been cheated on. I would find that hard to get over, I'm sure. However I do think that the more you try to ringfence your bloke and stop him doing stuff "in case he's tempted", the more likely it is that he'll be tempted - tempted that is, to go and spend time with someone who doesn't suspect him of misbehaviour he may very well not even be considering.

And the irony there is that it confirms the suspicions of the woman who wants to do the suspecting that all men are bastards and not to be trusted.

I don't think you did anything wrong in inviting three other people back to your house after the pub. I do think it's interesting how the more suspicious posters misconstrued the details of that (it was a flat(!), the children were asleep upstairs, etc).

I am also sad that the mistrust is dressed up as having respect for one another in a relationship. Some of you automatically wouldn't do something like this, however innocent, because you think it would be disrespecting your partner. Only if you have a mind in the gutter in the first place, I would hazard - for so many of us, it isn't even worthy of thought, but if you're the sort of twittering "ooh, get her" elbow-nudging, bosom-hefting gossip, I can see that this sort of behaviour would be grist to your mill.

Not addressing anyone in particular, you understand - but if you feel this description suits you, I'm happy to have been of service.

twitteringbirds · 10/12/2008 11:13
daftpunk · 10/12/2008 11:16

actually, it's about having respect for myself...if i want male company i have a perfectly good man at home..i don't do randoms in the pub.

twitteringbirds · 10/12/2008 11:17

Harman wasn't "doing randoms in the pub". Crikey, how sordid you make it sound.

So you only want the company of one man until when, death? That's not about having respect for yourself - that's barking.

noiamnot · 10/12/2008 11:18

I sound horrible?

lol

FioFio · 10/12/2008 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Marina · 10/12/2008 11:20

The whole "single woman in a flat" thing is very Edwardian twitteringbirds. I am thinking of Vera Brittain's disapproving parents and also Lucy Honeychurch's mother's despair that her daughter's broken engagement will lead to such a disgraceful fate.
Both books covering events of nearly 100 years ago.
Having read some of the skewed perspectives on this thread makes me wonder why we bothered getting the vote, really. Or why I bother with MN any more.

HolyGuacamole · 10/12/2008 11:21

"Not addressing anyone in particular, you understand - but if you feel this description suits you, I'm happy to have been of service."

turquoise · 10/12/2008 11:21

That "randoms" comment illustrates TB's argument about "minds in the gutter in the first place" I'd say.

daftpunk · 10/12/2008 11:22

i'm not talking about harman!..i'm talking about married people going back to the houses of people they've met in a pub..i haven't really been following the thread..only read the op....and when i say "doing random people in the pub" i'm not talking about sex..i'm talking about giving them my time...ok!

noiamnot · 10/12/2008 11:23

in all fairness, once you further explained the situation it was the men's intentions I was calling into question, but you are trying to take it as an attack on your character.

Freckle · 10/12/2008 11:25

I think it's sad that people think they have a trusting relationship when neither party is given the opportunity to encounter temptation. I would much rather be in a relationship with a man who chooses to be with me despite other temptations than with one who is only with me because he's never given the opportunity.

I also don't understand why people believe that going straight home after the pub is respecting your partner and that doing anything else isn't. If the partner isn't there because they work nights, what difference does it make to them that their partner is chatting to someone in a pub or in their home (chaperoned by others, natch ).

I have been known to meet up with single men for a chat (and indeed married men )and neither my dh nor I consider that I am disrespecting our marriage or my dh. Respecting your spouse is meeting up with these people and not being tempted to do anything other than chat and drink coffee.

harman · 10/12/2008 11:26

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
noiamnot · 10/12/2008 11:26

and when I said it would be interesting to see what happened next time you met this man I meant I wondered if he would be friendly (as in friends) or try to be more friendly. nowt to do with your behavior.

but feel free to hurl more insults at me...in the holiday spirit and all.

twitteringbirds · 10/12/2008 11:26

I don't think I said you were talking about sex, DaftPunk, did I? Interesting how you assumed I was. Turquoise, exactly.

I think it's incredibly sad that you won't give a man your time because you already have one. Is he allowed to speak to other women? Either by you, or does he allow himself to?

I think there are some misguided notions of what "respect" is here, definitely.

Marina, yes, it's all very pre-suffragette, isn't it?!

lowenergylightbulb · 10/12/2008 11:27

Oh dear, my DH is going out with several single women on saturday night. Do you think he'll have full sex in the pub, at the restaurant, in the nightclub - or will he wait to be invited back to a flat?

Should I invest in a chastity belt for him just in case, because being a man he has no control of his penis. [/irony]

Harmon, if it had been my husband and his friend I wouldn't have been annoyed. I think it's quite sad that people are so quick to think that men and women always have to have a 'motive' if they spend time together.

QueenTinselShadow · 10/12/2008 11:27

noiamnot - what a sad and pathetic cruzade you are on.

Are you spiteful because harman has a life, a chance to go out, enjoy herself, and the company of males? Envious, maybe?

Envious that men take an interest in her christmas decorations, and some coffee and a chat after midnight?

Did it ever occur to any of you that the SINGLE man was interested in either of the two women, and the married man accompanied his mate, because it would look odd if ONLY ONE OF THEM went home with the women, albeit only for coffee?? I have "chaperoned" my single friends in the company of men "out on the town" - it doesnt mean I am intending to cheat, and it doesnt meant that the men I might meet but my friend has her designs on, is going to want to shag me.

You lot have some screwed up minds

noiamnot · 10/12/2008 11:29

again I think it would be a very different thread if the wife posted something along the lines of...

"AIBU to be a little upset that my h and his friend went to the home of a single woman and her friend after the pub had closed to look at xmas decorations...."

QueenTinselShadow · 10/12/2008 11:30

Or even

"Aibu to be pissed off with my dh for going with his mate to another womans house when the pub closed, because his mate fancied her something rotten?"