Oh how horrible for you Foxy1. I keep doing this on other people's threads and sod it, I'm going to do it here - I've been where you are now!
In May this year I found a text on my DH's phone. Same old, same old, you've all heard it before. It had been going on for several months and I suspected all along but naturally he denied it and made out I was being an unreasonable, possessive cow for even suggesting it. The moment I found out what he'd done I realised that I didn't want to kick him out, though he seemed quite keen to go. And recently he's admitted that he felt relief that I knew and he could get out of here. Nice, eh?
Anyhoo, we've got 3 young DC and he said he'd try and give it a go with me. He broke it off with her, and...that was it really. Didn't do a lot else to rebuild the marriage. I sent him to counselling as there were a lot of things going on last year, and this, that I firmly believe contributed to his dissatisfaction with his life. I thought that may be the reason for the escapist affair. But, of course, No. everything - the vast debt, stress at work, his mum's cancer - he is coping perfectly well with, thank you. His counsellor said after two sessions that she thought he should do what's right for him. So he stopped seeing her, made his mind up to leave me, but didn't tell me for ages. I eventually persuaded him to see a marriage guidance counsellor with me, and spent ages researching, found a really good one who we saw twice, he was working out a plan for us to follow to rebuild our marriage...and DH decided it wasn't for him, and that was it. I am waffling, I apologise, what I should be saying to you Foxy1 is find a really really good counsellor for the pair of you ASAP. Find out why your DH did this, and what you can BOTH do to rebuild what you had. You will hear some things you don't want to hear but it will all help long term, believe me. After just two sessions with this guy I am able to be more honest about myself and look more honestly at our marriage. And I can see where we went wrong, and I'm sure we could put it right.
DH has left us this week, I am inwardly devastated, but I know I will be ok. Kids will be fine because time has helped me get used to the idea and I am strong for them. What really pisses me off is that we never really had a good old go at working on our marriage. I could handle him going much better if I felt I had closure. Plus I feel a marriage that's been through shit and been worked on comes out enriched, deeper and better. Funny thing - I have accepted the affair. We both see it for what it was - an escapist nothing, it was some excitement and it made him feel good. It wasn't about her at all. It fades into nothing when I look at the whole mess that is my life.
Another thing - please don't keep bringing it up with him. If you have to, simply say "I know you don't like talking about it, but I have to know this..." and thank him for his answer. Think hard about what you want to happen next. Give yourself time, it really really does help. Try and eat well. God, I really feel for you.