Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

husband has been having an affair

92 replies

foxy1 · 05/12/2008 20:31

i found out my husband has been having an affair at the weekend. we have been together 17 years and married 8 years. we have 2 toddlers and i am a sahm. i came across lots of very graphicpictures from his phone on our computer (there by accident). he worked with her and i suspected something when his mobile phone bill was really high last summer 07 and there was one number that kept on appearing. he said that she was just a friend and that was it. the dirty pictures date back to oct 06 to april 08. it started when i was pregnant with my second. my mother had died and and i had a c section with second. checked recent phones bills and her number is still on there regularly. he has said that nothing has happened since the early part of this year. that he has kept in contact with her to stop her from telling me. now i know, he has has told her he can't have anything to do with her. i feel so sad i can't believe its happened to me. he said it was only sex nothing else. i am angry that he has continued to keep in contact with her as much as he has done. i don't want to throw 17 years away so i have said that i will give him a chance. she works there and am worried that she will continue to pursue him.

OP posts:

kittywise · 08/12/2008 14:04

I don't understand it myself but I guess people have all sorts of reasons for allowing themselves to be treated badly.

Perhaps fear, low self esteem, thinking they 'deserve' what is being done to them etc.

Foxy seems to be in this situation

georgimama · 08/12/2008 14:06

I don't agree with that Kitty, Foxy seems to be a fairly typical wife who thought 17 years of marriage meant as much to her husband as they do to her. Unfortunately she appears to be wrong and is (understandably) having a hard time accepting that.

I don't think that means she has a "victim" complex in the way you suggest.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2008 14:45

whooaa, kitty, give foxy a chance

she only found out a few days ago

most people I know would have their head in bits at this point

whether she decides to finish her marriage or fight to keep it, we should not be making such judgements on such little evidence

blinks · 08/12/2008 15:01

i say marriage counselling because it may prompy foxy to call him on his behaviour...

it's hard to see things straight when you love someone.

kittywise · 08/12/2008 17:31

Perhaps not, it's just that I find it hard to understand how she can not be furious at his reaction to his infidelity let alone to the infidelity itself!!!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2008 20:07

I understand what you mean kitty. I think probably the anger has not hit foxy yet.

I am sure it will, sooner or later

ToughDaddy · 08/12/2008 20:28

I agree with those who say that your DH's insensitivity is unbelievable; in fact it is audacious? His comment that you shouldn't go checking the emails is unbelievable and highly insensitive to your feelings. He is really taking you for granted it seems. But I don't want to add to any pressure either way. You must do what you want to do either way. Best wishes

Original poster

foxy1 · 08/12/2008 20:49

i questioned the emails today and said that he was obviously hiding something. he said that 2 of his directs have access to his emails so i would not find anything from her.

i think i still feel shocked, numb and a bit lost. i feel very vulnerable as i gave up a good job to stay at home to look after the children and you think you are going to with that person forever and thats why i did it. i think i well hit the angry stage soon.

thanks again everyone.

OP posts:

ToughDaddy · 08/12/2008 20:52

i understand how you feel. And so should DH which is why he should not be showing genuine contrition and not telling you that emails are off limit.

crankycrane · 09/12/2008 10:04

the anger will rear its head soon and when it does kick him in between his legs

Original poster

foxy1 · 10/12/2008 09:29

i saw her at my gym yesterday and wanted to go and say something but i didn't. left me feeling sick. told husband and he is going to ask her to leave that gym and go somewhere else.

OP posts:

noiamnot · 10/12/2008 09:36

so sorry foxy.

from what you are saying he is not going to change.

He is most likely still lying to you and still intimate with her.

Do you really want this man?

Do you really want him to set this example for your children?

Original poster

foxy1 · 10/12/2008 09:46

he told her last week that he wanted nothing more to do with her. we had another chat last night and he was saying how ashamed he is and embarrased with his behaviour. he wants me and the children. i believe that things were going on maybe until the early summer and that he was in contact with her but i hope nothing has been going on recently.

i told him that my self esteem is in the gutters at the moment. i said how would you feel if you had seen a man at the gym that i had been sleeping with for 2 years. so he could see it from my point of view. he said he would be angry.

he has been really stressed by the whole thing as well i think he is really ashamed by his behaviour. i think it is sinking in now. i want to give it a go. would you have spoken to her if you had seen her?

OP posts:

noiamnot · 10/12/2008 09:47

you don't really want to know what I would have done if I had seen her at the gym

snoringnightmare · 10/12/2008 09:55

Nothing to add to the great advice you've been given here, just to add my support. What a horrible situation.

noiamnot · 10/12/2008 10:03

foxy, I will be honest with you. I have never been in this situation so it might be easy for me to say to you to kick his ass out the door. My x had an affair with the bottle. not another woman.

After so many years of marriage what he did was disrespectful to you as his wife and the mother of his children. Of course he is ashamed of himself.

But the fact remains that he never should have done it in the first place.

You gave up your job to stay home and raise the children. You made a lot of sacrifices. What sacrifices has he made? Sounds like he has just helped himself to whatever he fancied.....

He is stressed because he is afraid.

I suspect if you make it too easy for him, like a child he won't get the message (do something bad, you will suffer the consequences).

What consequences is he to suffer from betraying you like this?

HolyGuacamole · 10/12/2008 13:01

Wow, if I'd seen her at the gym, I would not have been able to keep my mouth shut....even tho I know you're supposed to rise above it etc etc. So I say well done for keeping your dignity in that situation and I hope she felt thoroughly embarrassed, and embarrassed enough to not go to that gym again on her own accord. I wouldn't want hubby going asking her not to visit that gym and I think he should probably not be encouraged to be in contact with her at all under any circumstances....then at least that way, he has no excuse if you happen to discover any contact in the future.

Shite situation, I feel for you

HolyGuacamole · 10/12/2008 13:03

And I forgot to say I totally agree....there NEEDS to be consequences.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 10/12/2008 15:04

foxy, just remember your dh is stressed and embarassed because he got found out

HolyGuacamole · 10/12/2008 15:20

Yep, here here anyfucker.

I don't reckon he was that embarrassed whilst doing the dirty, only afterwards on being found out and facing the reality of the pain he as caused for his family.

Original poster

foxy1 · 10/12/2008 17:13

thanks everyone! really apreciate everyones feedback!!

what do you think the consequences should be?

OP posts:

noiamnot · 10/12/2008 17:20

what do you think they should be foxy?

We can tell you what we would want from our dh\dp but each of us is different. Frankly I would throw him out for good but that is ME. If you want to try to save your marriage then you have to feel good about it as well, meaning if he just la di das home as if nothing ever happened you are most likely going to resent that eventually.

It is fine for him to say he is suffering but if it were me I'd make him prove it.

I would seriously consider having him switch jobs. but again, that is me.

noonki · 10/12/2008 18:13

Hi foxy - so sorry for you. What a horrible situation.

Only you can decide the consequences. I think for you one of the biggest hurdles is the fact that he managed to lie to you for 2 years. The consequences of that is that you will no longer trust him.

I'm afraid I don't believe him that it is over. Why would she be in contact with him if they had split up and he had stayed with you? She would have skulked off licking her wounds, not sending him friendly emails.

The fact that he didn't tell you but you found out is incredibly worrying too.

If you are to make a go of it many things would have to change: He would have to change jobs, he would have to win you back, he would have do more than his fair share of everything. If he is not willing to do these things then he isn't worth it (and I'm sorry to say he may not be anyway).

Be strong,and remember you have done nothing wrong he has

gagarin · 10/12/2008 18:56

a trip to the STD clinic before relations resume...

HappyWoman · 10/12/2008 21:48

foxy i have been there too - and i really do think that you need to seriously consider asking him to look for another job.

I didnt at first as my h took a long break and we/i thought we could handle it. I was wrong and actually so was he.

When he returned to work - although i think she thought things would go back to how they were he actually began to hate her - he says just seeing her or knowing that she was in the building made him realise just how close he came to losing everything and that she had actually wanted and encouraged him to. He found it so hard to cope with that guilt - not that i cared how guilty he felt. I too obviously found it hard but not as bad as i had thought i would. It was him that decided he could not stand it any longer and left his job.

We are still together and the trust thing is still tricky but we talk about it and if i feel threatened then he will be honest and we mostly laugh about it.

It is a long bumpy ride ahead of you - your feelings will change almost on a daily basis - that is fine and whatever you are feeling at the time is ok - dont let him blame you for this - it was all his doing not yours.

And good luck

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread