husband has been having an affair

[foxy1]

i found out my husband has been having an affair at the weekend. we have been together 17 years and married 8 years. we have 2 toddlers and i am a sahm. i came across lots of very graphicpictures from his phone on our computer (there by accident). he worked with her and i suspected something when his mobile phone bill was really high last summer 07 and there was one number that kept on appearing. he said that she was just a friend and that was it. the dirty pictures date back to oct 06 to april 08. it started when i was pregnant with my second. my mother had died and and i had a c section with second. checked recent phones bills and her number is still on there regularly. he has said that nothing has happened since the early part of this year. that he has kept in contact with her to stop her from telling me. now i know, he has has told her he can't have anything to do with her. i feel so sad i can't believe its happened to me. he said it was only sex nothing else. i am angry that he has continued to keep in contact with her as much as he has done. i don't want to throw 17 years away so i have said that i will give him a chance. she works there and am worried that she will continue to pursue him.

Happywoman - how long did it take you to feel better ?

noonki - he has not been in contact with her since he told her that he would not have anything more to do with her and she has not contacted him as far as he has said anyway.

yesterday he said that he had not been intimate with her for months and months. he said that he returned her calls or texts if she contacted him - not sure if that is true.

he is not a very emotional man so it is hard to read his feelings. he also said that he thinks about sex alot and thinks that he might be a sex addict. most days he is on the computer looking at stuff. can they check for std at the doctors? should i go or send him or both?

have said to him not to tell her not to go to the gym. then at least if anything did happen i am sure she would want to tell me -i hope it doesn't though as i want to work things out with him. Not sure how long o wait to resume things? thanks again everyone.

My first thought when I read your OP, foxy1, was to say I thought it was great that you didn't just kick him out and you are honest enough to know you want to try and make this work.

I think he needs to change his email and phone number, job too if possible.

He needs to show you and prove to you he is sorry and will never do this again.

You mentioned a few times about giving up a good job so I was wondering if you could get a part time job and H has the children.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

Foxi1 I am truly sorry for what you are having to endure.

I can't believe that I am posting this but this really strikes a chord with me because I am the child of parents who were in this situation.

Many other posters have suggested that working together makes it a more difficult situation. I concur.

I found it very, very difficult to understand why my mother claims to have forgiven my father but continues (to this day) to mistrust him.

Affairs were 'in vogue' among my parents peers and I am sad to say that I rather expect men to be unfaithful around their 40th birthday because I saw (and to some extent continue to see) it so often. (DH and I do joke around about it but there are obvious trust issues that have nothing to do with him.)

Midlife crisis? Sex addict? Perhaps. There is still no excuse for a lack of accountability. He made a big, big mistake that will have life-long consequences.

I understand that your children are younger than I was at the time of the affair but it has the potential change the way they view relationships.

Sorry for the novel especially since it does not contribute much. Again, you have my heartfelt sympathy.

Foxy - So sorry to read what you're going through. I cannot advise you what to do, you need to go with your instincts and also be guided by his behaviour. When I went through my crisis, I found mners like Happywoman, Maturer and Baffy very helpful (tons others but don't want to take over your thread). Based on my experience I would say the following are important:

1. Complete honesty from your dh (ironic I know, given his terrible deception) - he has to be prepared to answer all your questions and in as much depth as you demand. 2)He has to be 100% committed to doing everything it takes to win back your love and trust e.g. changing job, giving you access to his mobile phone bill, email account etc, going to counselling etc.
2. He needs to ditch the porn. Not judging - but imo that may well have led to the affair in the first place. Internet porn is highly addictive. My h believes his increased use was one of the factors that led to him having an affair.
3. Investing in your relationship. I don't just mean token gestures, but doing things that show how much your marriage means to him. He has abused it for the past 2 years so he has a lot to prove. Should keep him busy for a while!

Right, that's him. Now you. Imo you need to set boundaries with him. If he is lucky enough that you are prepared to stay with him, he needs to understand that this is a one-off. No more fuck ups. I made it clear to h that I could not and would not guarantee my fidelity because I had been badly hurt (as had my pride)and that he needed to be aware of that as it was hard enough for me to agree for him to stay and work things out without any other promises on my part (sorry v long sentence). Doesn't hurt for them to realise that you may look elsewhere If you want the relationship to work you might need the support of a counsellor (we did couple counselling) and it can be very helpful to have the filter that a counsellor provides. Have you told friends/family. I found it helped make it more real. I also told h I wanted him to tell his sister. I felt not telling anyone close to him would feed into this tendency to compartmentalise his life. He found it very painful, but acknowledged that it was necessary. IMO it isn't good to contain something like this within your relationship.
So how long will it take before you start to feel able to move on? Difficult one - so many variables. I'm 10 months on and feeling fairly optimistic about the future. I also know that I do not need him and that I am only with him because I choose to be. My life will be good with or without him in it. I wish you luck whatever you decide to do

I would call her and tell her that I will come to her workplace and beat her face in if she even looks at him in the wrong way. But them I am quite bad tempered.

I think he needs to go to the GUM clinic - available at your local hospital. GP will prob only advise him to go there.

If he refuses ()to go I would go yourself for peace of mind - have all the tests available so you are completely happy you have not had anything passed on.

Not sure if I believe the "sex addict" and "not been intimate" for months bit. Sounds unlikely - but you know him best so hopefully you can spot a convenient fib.

And if he says no need for check up as it was months ago and symptoms would have shown by now remind him about chlamydia....

Even if you get checked yourself and are clear, don't have sex with him again until he's been checked and got the all-clear himself. Too risky to do otherwise.

Oh yes - agree. GUM clinic is a MUST. I went with h for his results. You might want to do the same.

things like hiv can take 6 months to show on screen. consult with gp about this but no unprotected sex until all-clear. If you are bfing you could pass something like hiv, hepatitis to baby.

Some men do have a sex problem - not sure about addiction. The way in which they view sex becomes skewed - imo internet porn exacerbates this problem.

beating anyone in the face will get you in jail, but I am sure you realise that.

Hope this has a happy ending for you, one way or another.

I really appreciate everyone kind words and feedback.

I feel like I want to say something to her at the gym but not sure what and whether it would do any good. i would never harm her as thats not me. My friends say I am too nice, I know I am.

He keeps his personal mobile on silent and this morning it went to answerphone and part of me was wondering whether that was her calling at 8 in the morning. From his phone bills he used to speak to her in morning sometimes. think I am getting paranoid. I wanted to check but did not have time as he was going off to work and did not want him to know that i had been on his phone. Not sure whether he would have listened to it today and probably delete it. would you say anything or not? I wish i knew someone at vodafone that could check the what the text messages where. I know that would not help me though.

Why not tell him you want to check his phone? That's what I did. He has no right to judge you for that - he has lost your trust and he needs to earn it back.

I checked it in the evening and the phone call has been deleted.

To me foxy, that says it all - so sorry

That is very dodgy foxy. What are you going to do?

I am not sure whether to say to him that I saw the answer machine message on his phone and I think it was her calling so that he knows that I am not stupid (well I have been for the last 2 years). would you say anything. i want to work things out . still feel really hurt by it all.