foxy1 I'm so sorry you are in this position those feelings of shock, betrayal, disbelief saddness and love all going around in your head at the same time-I've been there and i never wish that upon anyone.
It was 5 years ago my dh had an affair with a work colleague- completley out of the blue- no obvious reason or problems with us- it nearly tore us apart (we'd been married 16 years at that point- together 20, we have 3 children)It took the best part fo yaer to totally get HER out of our lives (she became a bit of a bunny boiler- wouldn't take no for an answer- mainly because of the selfish way my dh acted through all of it)
My 1st reaction when I heard was to pull him closer and fight for us- I just couldn't believe he really wanted to throw away all the good years we'd shared. He "lost the plot"- that's the only way I can describe it- for that year and we both know now had i not stayed strong and fought for us we'd have seperated then.
At the time he could not reason- I learned that an affair is a very strong thing in the way it takes over your emotions- he acted like a complete stranger- I no longer knew the man I'd been with for 20 years and it took that year to get him back completely,
We are stronger now than ever before and closer- he now can look at it rationally and se what a prize "tw**t" he was and how - inis words he "nearly threw away so much for so little" At the time he couldn't see that. Affairs are about escapism, fantasy they make you feel really good about yourself but can only do that if you suspend reality-they are not always even about escaping you relationship they can be about escaping something in yourself.
So believe YOU are in no way to blame for this HE made the choices HE is responsible for his actions with have consiquences on everyone in his life. Even if times were tough (which does nit excuse but helps make senes of it)he ALWAYS had the option to talk to you to express his feelings to seek help.
Now you are in the driving seat- he's made all the choices, selfish choices - for now he's ;ost the right to trust and privacy in his actions he now needs to start working very hard to convince you that he's sorry. I found it could only be done by honest open painful talking a "no more secerets" manatra and we both (seperately) went to counselling- him to try to understand why he'd gone where he did- me to try to cope with the enormity fo the situation and the rollercoaster of emotions that come with it.I found it helped me decide what I WANTED and I wanted us to come through. I weighed up all we'd had in the years before this awful year and decided I wanted us to fight for that.Only you know if your marriage is worth that painful fight- no one else can tell you that- and it is not the easy option it's a very slow healing process but if you want it and he wants it then you can come out closer and sronger.
I hope this helps a little- I felt at the time there was a lot of "social pressure" to "kick him out, don't let him treat you like this' don't be weak girl!etc" but in fact until you've lived through it you can't say those things- he's your dh, your lover, your best friend and my thoughts were this is the first time in20 years we've faced a true problem I can't just give up on us because I'm so hurt.
I believe (as ciched as it is) that my dh had some sort of a "mid life crisis"- no excuses- he made the choices- but it did help me make sesnes of it. To move on you have to make sense of what just happened and face all the demonds (all the details)then and only then can you start to move forward.
I do hope you get what you want out of this- remeber none of this is your fault. But if you have something good - and some people never come close to that in relationships- just look at some of the threads on here- then fight for it! Good luck-take care of YOURSELF.