baby is 6 weeks old and lying cheating DH has moved out

[WheresTheAuPair]

i never thought i'd be in this situation. have ds1 who is 2 and new baby of 6 weeks. 2 weeks ago dh told me he saw me as a sister and didn't love me anymore. wtf! he moved out on monday and i've since found his phone bills which make it obvious he has been having an affair with girl at his work. he denies it but 165 texts and long 3 hr phone calls speak volumes to me. i only ever found 1 text on his phone from her so he must have been meticulous at deleting his texts/call logs. feel so fucking angry. while i was exhausted and getting on with being a good mum and heavily pregnant and running the house and business he was up to this! and now he's saying i threw him out!

no way i can forgive him for this. how does a legal separation work?

Sorry to say it, but they almost certainly have (or she's made it a requirement that he leaves before it does - Angelina Jolie style!). I'm not saying you are wrong, but simply that there is no rush to prove it.

Act like it has. And (if or when) he goes public, you can simply raise an eyebrow.
Do keep every thing he writes about it not being a relationship. It will harm it in the long run when he goes public (and keep the phone bills too).

He can say what he likes, a court won't buy it for a second.

A judicial separation really might be of interest to you. It would mean that you could get the court order while he was living with his parents (so minimal expenses).

Yeah but a decent guy would not hurt his sister and abandon her at a very vunerable time either. He truly is a dickhead and you dont deserve someone who can treat you like that

sounds like maybe he's had a change of heart now he realises what he's missing, or maybe the OW has decided that he was fun for a fling but not for good!? This is what we mean by "he'll get what he deserves!", what goes around come around and all that.

so what is the advantage of a separation over a divorce?

well if she's really got a boyfriend it really is a mess. My heart does bleed for him if she has changed her mind . I know living at his parents is no fun tho. Not only are they mad but they have the neighbours from hell on both sides of a very small terraced house. The noise would send anyone insane (probably why both in laws are a bit mad lol).

There are lots of advantages of a judicial separation (not a regular sep - but a legal one that you mentioned before)

It's mainly used when one party has a religious problem with divorce but it's also useful when you have young children and you (as their mum) needs the security of being married.

You can have all the finances sorted out without having to sort out long term contact arragements (impossible with young kids)

It will also be worked out on where he lives now (his parents house) and will stop him marrying (which may or may not be something you are interested in).

I think you should consider it. You don't have to mention the adultery (no reason to prove the marriage has broken down) and you can sell it to him / his family as you needing security for the kids (which you DO Need) but without closing the door.

Sounds like a good option for you. I can't see how he'd oppose it. Or why he'd want to, if he OW is not real... IYSWIM

My solicitor told me for fiancial reasons that divorce was better, but that was over 5 years ago now and I cant remember the exact reasons. I also felt is was better for me, more closure.

I have to go and do the school run now, but hope you ok.

Just read serioussanta post, I hope we not confusing you. Like I said mine was years ago and things change. There is probably pros and cons to each, and each one more suitable for different situations. So hopefully at your appointment you will get infomation suited for your situation

Look:
here for a positive viewpoint and
http://www.terry.co.uk/divorce4.html here for a not so positive one.

THe only thing I'd say is that a judicial separation is better if you (i) don't want to admit your marriage is over or (ii) don't want the other party to move on

The only thing I'd say is that, if the relationship doesn't work out, then you will have to go through a divorce too.

i think whichever route you choose you are sending him a serious message that you have finished with the relationship and you are moving on. Your best revenge is to get on with your life, being fabulous and gorgeous and happy. sounds like his life will be going slowly down the toilet good luck xxx

threewisemonkeys- i couldn't agree more! thanks again for your support. feel much more positive now

wherestheaupair, so sorry to read what you are going through.
with regards to divorce/separation agreement/JS, there really is no benefit going for SA/JS as opposed to divorce if you feel strongly that the marriage is over. The costs of a solicitor preparing a SA could potentially be almost as much as the divorce itself and if you are sure the marriage is over, it seems a little pointless to me to spend this money now, only to go ahead with a divorce in a few years time. Like someone said, the usual reasons for a SA are on religious grounds or perhaps if someone isn't 100% sure whether they are ready to divorce. Another negative of a SA is that your husband will need to agree to all the terms of it.
With a divorce, you could issue proceedings immediately on either his adultery (preferably not naming the other woman) or on his unreasonable behaviour. If adultery, he would need to admit to this and if you think he would not then you would need to think about going on his unreasonable behaviour. Failing that, you could wait until you've been separated for 2 years and petition on that ground but he would need to consent to that. (even if he agrees now he could withdraw his consent at any time in the future prior to the issuing of the petition) If you are certain the marriage is over and you will never forgive him, in my opinion it would make more sense to go ahead with a divorce now rather than wasting time (and money) on a SA/JS. You would also be able to get the ancillary relief(financial side of divorce) sorted now once and for all rather than having an interim agreement in a SA and then potentially having to negotiate another agreement in the future when you divorce.

With regards to the advice on changing the locks, sadly you are not legally able to do this. Even if the house was in yours and your husbands joint names you would not be entitled to do this If you did, he would be entitled to use reasonable force to gain entry and change the locks but would need to provide you with a new key. Also, if you do change them and he requests a new key, you would need to supply one. Bearing in mind his FIL owns the house, you could get in trouble for changing the locks.
Obviously, if he comes back and threatens you or is violent, then you would have grounds to apply to the Court for an Occupation Order, which would, if granted, prevent him from returning to the house.

Well done for making an appointment to see a solicitor. Hopefully he/she is a specialist family lawyer and will give you all the support and advice that you need. Good luck

Disagree, Mumoverseas.

He would have to use reasonable force and then explain WHY.

Much better to feel secure and let him do the explaining.

Or, (as I said before) change two locks and give him 1 key, so that if he comes at a pre determined time, he can get in but you can make sure he doesn't get in at other times.

Perfectly reasonable.

Sorry serioussanta, but we have to agree to differ. As a lawyer who has specialised in family law for 11 years, I like to think I know what I'm talking about. Also, as a former police officer, I can state that it is unlawful to deny him access from the house. Your advice could potentially cause the OP no end of problems. Therefore, you are not reasonable!

for you WTAP. No wonder we haven't seen you on post-natal with all this going on.

CSWS- no wonder I was having so much trouble getting him to help me do the nursery- he obviously didn't want the 2nd baby.

Have only just seen this- I remember your earlier posts about him saying you had grown apart. It must be so awful to have your suspicions borne out like this. I am so so sorry this is happening

For what it's worth, I think you are doing the right thing in divorcing him/legally separating...anyone who can behave like that to the woman they married at her most vulnerable time, when she most needs the love and support of her partner, can't ever be trusted again or forgiven. He has proven himself too selfish to make it possible to put the relationship back together. It must be infuriating to hear him try to deny what he has done- I would be fuming

I really hope you find the support you need here- we are all rooting for you, and are hoping you'll come out of this stronger, and let him stew his own stupid cruel selfishness. Take care x

WTAP, so sorry you are going through this, not at all nice for you and so unfair, you are left to look after the children and be brave! What a tosser! I hope you do what you feel is right for you and your family. I really feel for you at the moment. I hope he realises what a arse he has been to you, how awful and so unfair when you have your children together.

Hope you are OK today

as well as you can be

Hi, have had a very weird few days. he came round on sunday night which really was weird and confused the hell out of me. He is still saying that i chucked him out etc and that he wouldn't have gone if I hadn't packed his stuff

Since then both kids been ill so i've had a hideous existence of looking after the toddler and baby both with temperatures, coughs and streaming colds! think i've averaged 3 hrs sleep a night until last night when I did something I swore i'd never do- co-sleep with the baby (hey- at least I had an empty bed!) and it worked a treat so I feel back on form today after having the best nights sleep since i had DS2!!

Ok so today i had the surprise of my life- i got a text at 7am saying he (the workaholic DDH) has taken a day off and wants to come over...Well after i scooped my mouth back off the floor I said that's fine and was even more amazed when he said he'd be over after school rush is over ( i did ask if that was morning or evening!-turned out to be morning)
So he arrived and as expected DS1 punished him by throwing tantrums and generally being hard work. He said i sounded rough on the phone yesterday so thought he'd help me out...(i nearly died of shock again). This is probably the most compassionate he has been in the last 6 months!

i'm still really none the wiser as to what has happened here tbh. He was really taken aback when i asked him if he'd prefer to divorce straight off or work out a separation agreement until we work out what to do. the words 'blood' and 'stone' come to mind. God knows how the OW got a 3 hr conversation out of him! lol. I can talk for England so my mind does boggle how on earth they were on phone for so long.

So the upshot is that i've had to take control on this... have said that i don't want him to come back living here while he still doesn't know what he wants/doesn't know if he loves me bullshit.

I'm no-ones skivvy and am not putting up with his bad behaviour (the not coming home/lots of texts/calls to OW etc). Until he can see he's being a total wanker he can bloody well stay at his parents house! I know I can cope on my own and my house is somehow much tidier without clearing up after him all the time. Ok I know i'm a mug but I do still love him and find him attractive so a big part of me is reluctant to call time on this straight off. No way is he coming back without some massive changes towards me and this family.

I've said that we should continue to live apart and he can carry on seeing the kids whenever...he seems to be much more pro active and helpful this way too -he also (gasp) did my shopping today. have given us a timeline of 6 months in which to review the situation. if nothing doing then i will go for a divorce. he has set up a generous standing order into my account so i'm not sure that I need to scare him with a separation agreement anytime soon. He is annoying me tho in that he is not fighting for us but I get the impression that whatever i would say he would go with

His main complaint is that the 'spark' has gone. I mean FFS. All he does is work so i never bloody see him! he has worked 6/7 day weeks for the last 4 months now and at least x2 late evenings a week. when does he want this spark to come back? when he eats his dinner of a night time or falls asleep on sofa? he is permanently exhausted when he gets home and is generally rubbish company. (or maybe not when on phone to OW hmm) Plus throw in the fact we have 2 very young kids and I wonder when and how to get this spark back?!

lol he has agreed to babysit on sat night while i go out with the girls- maybe it would do him good to see that I am getting on with my life rather than pining for him to come home. Which I am not.

oh dear i seem to have written an essay. Weirdly i am not even angry or upset anymore about this situation-strangely detached about it all. I just think he is a stupid male who needs a good kick up the arse. I am otherwise ok here with the kids ticking along. as he is so keen to see the kids i think i'll take advantage of his babysitting services and join a pilates or yoga class. Could use some cute male attention this weekend tho

thanks everyone for your support- I feel much more positive about it all today. (and god a good nights sleep makes such a difference!)

Agree with mumoverseas re: separation agreement.

It's my understanding that they are essentially a holding pattern until something gets worked out long term.

Am wondering whether they will be used more and more during the recession - i.e. not so much equity in the matrimonial home, or not enough to rehouse both parties comfortably.

But it has been such a stressful time for you. And sleep deprivation is horrendous, not that this changes his behavior.

Your plan for a 6 month review is a good one.

Hope you are still planning to get legal advice and review options.

aw thanks hoochievirginmomma

Part of me thinks tho as I have adapted so quickly to being by myself with the kids if this is a sign that it is over? I'm not weeping and wailing and aside from being a bit tired feeling ok about things.

I think i'll still see the solicitor on Monday anyway but hold off making any major decisions until things look clearer.

It does worry me tho the sort of influences DDH (dickhead husband- i like that) has on him while living away from me. His cousin is staying with him from the states and trying to talk him into going back there with him saying that if we divorce then he'll never see his kids anyway!! FFS just because that is what happened to him. I said i'd never do that and now his parents keep saying to him how they will never see the kids if we split up.

It would be so much easier if he were to say straight off if he missed me/ he didn't and actually made a real decision for himself. it feels like we are in no man's land of indecisiveness and just ticking along until something happens that will force either of our hand to do something.