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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

baby is 6 weeks old and lying cheating DH has moved out

77 replies

WheresTheAuPair · 05/12/2008 11:04

i never thought i'd be in this situation. have ds1 who is 2 and new baby of 6 weeks. 2 weeks ago dh told me he saw me as a sister and didn't love me anymore. wtf! he moved out on monday and i've since found his phone bills which make it obvious he has been having an affair with girl at his work. he denies it but 165 texts and long 3 hr phone calls speak volumes to me. i only ever found 1 text on his phone from her so he must have been meticulous at deleting his texts/call logs. feel so fucking angry. while i was exhausted and getting on with being a good mum and heavily pregnant and running the house and business he was up to this! and now he's saying i threw him out!

no way i can forgive him for this. how does a legal separation work?

OP posts:
HolyGuacamole · 05/12/2008 13:52

So he is feeling a bit guilty - GOOD!!

Are you going to respond to him?

TheSeriousSanta · 05/12/2008 13:54

Threewisemonkey's makes a good point. Also, if you do manipulate the kids (and it's extremely to do when they are so young) or get so upset in front of them, you also fall right into the 'this is what I had to put up with' which he (might) use.

Original poster
WheresTheAuPair · 05/12/2008 13:54

lol at radar. not sure what will wind him up more- if i text back, or nothing... I wouldn't mind but he has been totally disinterested in the baby so all this 'when can I see the boys' stuff is just to prove that he is a good dad really. I've been bloody begging him to take our 2yr old out for months -especially when i was heavily PG and it was hard to walk. He always had something better to do so this sudden interest has really gotten to me. Obviously he will still see the kids but this good dad act is just a smokescreen to his family to show that he isn't a complete callous bastard after all. they are all annoying me too as they all say we should work it out and 'people go through much worse' (both his parents had affairs btw) . I wonder if they would be so forgiving if this was his sister in my situation. No i'd expect they would have bloody well knocked him out by now!! sorry rant over- feel much better now

OP posts:
pramspotter · 05/12/2008 13:59

OP you do have a very good head on your shoulders. He is trying to look like the loving dad right now. He wants you to send a text back saying "no you cannot see the kids". Then he (in his fucked up head) thinks that he looks like the good guy and the victim and you look like the evil witch who drove him away.

TheSeriousSanta · 05/12/2008 14:03

WHerestheaupair - I know it's really difficult, but don't get caught up with trying to wind him up.

Decide what you feel is acceptable for contact.

For me, this would be:
No unsupervised contact.
He can visit your house (alone) to see the kids - it's winter and they are young.
he sees them for set times and set days. THese are not negotiable.
HE calls them (again, set times and days) It is not your responsibility to phone him.
He takes nothing from the house right now. CHnage the lock or add another so YOU can decide when he can come in.

I would say that you should demand at LEAST 6-8 months of this before you even consider any change in contact.

He MUST prove he's a good dad. He can't say well I am, cos up to a matter of weeks ago, he was a good bloody husband too.

TheSeriousSanta · 05/12/2008 14:04

Also, just want to say: 3monkeys is right. Everyone here is on your side. What's important now is what's right for you and your children.

Also, make it clear that any contact with this OW is strictly not allowed.

pramspotter · 05/12/2008 14:05

Listen to SeriousSanta. She is wise.

Original poster
WheresTheAuPair · 05/12/2008 14:05

with regard to him seeing the boys its doubly hard as because i'm BFing i will have to stay with the baby or i guess express milk for him to take out with him and also get a taste of what life is really life juggling 2 very small kids! I do not want him to just spend time with our 2 yr old as then he will not have any sort of relationship with the baby, I cant imagine him finding out that daddy left when he was just 6 weeks old. talk about getting a chip on his shoulder.

I haven't texted him back. what would i say? 'yes- all lovely here thanks for asking?' lol

OP posts:
orangehead · 05/12/2008 14:06

I agree with serioussanta

TheSeriousSanta · 05/12/2008 14:13

Wherestheaupair - one more thing to add: Definitely NO to taking just one child out while you look after the other.

NO. COntact with BOTH children at ALL times.

that's why I said have him come alone to your house. Provide a room for him (with toys, DVDs etc) so they can play. He can bring lunch with him. If you need to BF, you can be there (in another room)

Remember, he can expect nothing of you now. No need to make him coffee or lunch or take one child cos the other one is kicking off...

FWIW, I wouldn't reply. Unless you (seriously) want a reconciliation, reply to nothing other than issues around the kids. And try to do it by e-mail (rather than text) they are more easily traceable if you ever get stuck in a huge pissing contest over he said / she said.

I DO feel for you, and I KNOW I'm ignoring all of the emotional stuff which is difficult with a 6 week old. But that's what matters now. You need to be firm and practical. I know that's tough, but it's also true.

orangehead · 05/12/2008 14:13

I had the same as I was bfing ds2. However he refused to see the children with me there. He tried to get his solicitor involved but was told that whilst I was bfing it was totally reasonable for me to be there. Not sure what to reply, perhaps just yes the children are well.

inthemistsoftime · 05/12/2008 14:14

So sorry to hear you are going through this, I have just been through it last month and the greatest support for me was Mumsnet.

The rage and the anger has to go some where so pour it out here, its what we are here for.

Thinking of you

orangehead · 05/12/2008 14:15

Yes agree unless you want to reconcile just keep communication to only about the kids

Original poster
WheresTheAuPair · 05/12/2008 14:16

TheSeriousSanta that is good advice thanks. i've been trying to get my head around what sort of access is normally granted.

the changing of the locks is tricky as it isn't my house- it belongs to my FIL. We just started to build a house (literally) and were at the point of putting in the groundwork so i can see this getting really complicated.

FIL just called me now- he says DH swears that there is nothing going on. Makes me so mad. On what planet do they think i live on? 165 texts FFS! and 3 hr long phone conversations- i struggle to get 10 mins out of him lol. plus that text from her that I found...and the refusal to have any physical contact with me for last 3 months. Not even a hug. what a load of crap.

OP posts:
HolyGuacamole · 05/12/2008 14:20

Don't listen to the inlaws or let them affect you or wind you up. He is their son so they will believe him (or at least pretend they do) and apart from that they sound like they will be sympathetic to him because they have themselves cheated.

pramspotter · 05/12/2008 14:22

See I am paranoid so I would assume that he wants to save texts to use against you.

"Hello,

Just saw you text. The boys are well, the abandonment issues probably won't kick in until they are older. What brings on this sudden interest in the children? If you are worried about contact, please don't worry. I want you to see the children . However since you have demonstrated via your actions that their wellbeing is certainly not your top priority I just ask that a responsible/sensible adult supervise any contact that you have with them.
Take Care."

Hmmm. I did try to write something a little nicer and more intelligent and reasonable butI can't do it. I don't think I would cope if I were in your shoes OP.

Pinkranger · 05/12/2008 14:23

really feel for you, my best'sfriends husband has just done this and there dc ( age 3 and 6) - only been gone 3 weeks and introduced them to the OW on tue!!! - not gone down well as you can imagine - I dont understand these men, beautiful family and they do this - Take care of yourself xxx

TheSeriousSanta · 05/12/2008 14:23

What reason can FIL give you for the about turn of face then? I don't know of many men who simply walk out on their wife, toddler and 6 week old baby for NO F*ING reason!!!!

You know you are right and more shame on him for not admitting that.

Don't slag him off to his parents - it does no good - we all love our children no matter what... but do point out the inconsistencies.

Regardless of WHY it's happening, to leave your wife with a 6 week old baby is a pretty shit thing to do - where is he living.

I'd cut contact with them too. Do the same: Agree what times and days you will see them and stick to that.

You are vunerable right now. Do not be manipulated. Changing locks is NOT difficult. WHat if you lost your key or it broke? You would have the lock changed. He's not living there so no longer needs one. And while the locksmith was ther, you thought perhaps a bit of extra security is in order, as you are there alone with the kids now. Perfectly acceptable.

I've been through this. For YEARS (you can see, no emotion now! )

You have rights and you need to start calling the shots. NOW.

TheSeriousSanta · 05/12/2008 14:25

SOrry, Pramspotter - but Wherestheaupair - avoid ANY issues to future problems the kids may or may not have.
It's tantamount to saying :I'll make sure thekids have issues.

Sorry, but it is.

I wish I could articulate how much I KNOW the emotional stuff is hurting right now, but write it HERE not to HIM.

Original poster
WheresTheAuPair · 05/12/2008 14:26

just texted him saying DS1 still ill-think he has chest infection (taking him to docs later) and baby fine. Don't want anyone saying i'm using kids against him.

inthemistsoftime sorry you had to go through this too. why are men such sh*ts?

OP posts:
TheSeriousSanta · 05/12/2008 14:28

ANd, yes, Pramspotter... You would cope. And wherestheaupair WILL cope.

You WILL get through this. Life WILL get better. It will never be the same, but it WILL be OK.

But, you'll get there a lot sooner if you deal with the emotional stuff separately.

You WILL be OK, hun. You WIll and your kids will be too. I'm living proof.

Original poster
WheresTheAuPair · 05/12/2008 14:32

and yes- i will get locks changed-much easier than coming in and out via the back door and gymnastics over the side gate!! My dad in fact said we should do this and say that the key wouldn't go in properly so we thought it best to change them.

he is living with his parents now. FIL says he just comes in and goes to his room. No-one has been able to speak to him about this tho he swears his innocence about the OW. (says she has a boyfriend...wtf does he make of the 165 texts and 3 hr conversations then?!)

OP posts:
TheSeriousSanta · 05/12/2008 14:40

TIme will tell, hun, time will tell.

Document as much as you can. Keep as much as you can to e-mails instead of texts etc.,

Don't play games. Decide NOW when you will see the ILs and DHH (that stands for dickhead husband, BTW! ) Stick to that.

Rant here as much as you want. But don't do it in RL (except to those you KNOW you can trust). And be careful about the people you feel you can trust.

Namechange as much as you want to retain anonimity.

You really need to decide (and I know this is early days) - but write down all the things you had hoped for your kids. what classes would they take, where would they go to school, what would their lives be like.

No-one can give your guarentees, but that's your starting point for what maintenence / CS is relelvant. What plans had you (jointly) made for the children?

Just remember, you are married. You have rights. You have every reason to expect your kids to have the sort of life they were promised.

Original poster
WheresTheAuPair · 05/12/2008 14:41

I JUST KNOW that something has happened with the OW. and even if they haven't as yet gotten physical then he was certainly paving the way for that. I've always said that when one partner goes off sex then someone else is involved. Sees me a sister? come off it. Plus- i was obviously good enough to cook/clean/look after the kids but not good enough to give any time to.

I know that despite my pregnancy I didn't let myself go - i run a natural products business- which relies on me looking full of health so its not like he could say I had let myself go! I now weigh less than before I was PG. Wow think i might write a book- The Postnatal Heartbreak diet. "How to shed all your baby weight in 2 weeks". oh dear- i have to laugh really...4 weeks after baby born tell your wife you don't fancy her and see her as a sister now...that'll kill off any appetite she may have...

OP posts:
orangehead · 05/12/2008 14:44

That reply sounds good. Very neutral, you are giving him information about the boys that he has a right to know, but not personal. If you get personal it can create an opening for him to manipulate, from my experience anyway. Again agree with serioussanta you need to call the shots and personally I wouldnt want him to see the emotional side, save that for people who can support you. Its better that he sees you strong (even if it is only a act)and someone not to be messed with or taken advantage of. You will get through this and although its hard going through this with kids I think its the kids that get you through and keep you going