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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

baby is 6 weeks old and lying cheating DH has moved out

77 replies

WheresTheAuPair · 05/12/2008 11:04

i never thought i'd be in this situation. have ds1 who is 2 and new baby of 6 weeks. 2 weeks ago dh told me he saw me as a sister and didn't love me anymore. wtf! he moved out on monday and i've since found his phone bills which make it obvious he has been having an affair with girl at his work. he denies it but 165 texts and long 3 hr phone calls speak volumes to me. i only ever found 1 text on his phone from her so he must have been meticulous at deleting his texts/call logs. feel so fucking angry. while i was exhausted and getting on with being a good mum and heavily pregnant and running the house and business he was up to this! and now he's saying i threw him out!

no way i can forgive him for this. how does a legal separation work?

OP posts:

HolyGuacamole · 05/12/2008 11:15

I don't know anything about legal separation but I just wanted to say 'what a b@stard!!'.

If you had thrown him out, he would have effing deserved it!

Original poster

WheresTheAuPair · 05/12/2008 11:22

i did pack his bags but in my defence-he told me he was going so i thought i'd help him go!! plus he told me he'd be home at 6 and was 2 hrs late so i was fed up of waiting for his majesty to arrive. I was scared how i'll cope with 2 under 2 but in reality i've been doing it alone for months as he's been so cr*p. am so angry tho. have to laugh tho- for first time in months my house is spotless and have lost all baby weight through the stress!

OP posts:

CharCharGaboriaInExcelsisDeo · 05/12/2008 11:23

No advice but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry you're going through this

Original poster

WheresTheAuPair · 05/12/2008 11:28

i'm still in shock tbh. and i never never saw it coming. and hes always taken the moral high ground on things like this. sorry my typing's rubbish as have baby in sling!

OP posts:

AbricotsSecs · 05/12/2008 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ambercat · 05/12/2008 11:45

So sorry for you, i went through similar in april, you have hard times ahead. Time does help and you will get through this, keep posting. Maybe think about seeing a solicitor. x

TheCrackFox · 05/12/2008 11:45

I don't have any advice but your DH sounds like a c*nt. Keep posting, there are many MNers who have been through similar.

One of our friends has just done similar to his wife and it has been a massive shock. He was so churchy and didn't seem to be the type of man to do this.

AreYouCallingMeDarling · 05/12/2008 11:49

Keep the bill somewhere safe.

Go and see CAB or a solicitor as soon as you can.

Do you have someone in real life you can get support from. Friend or family.

DONT keep it to yourself.

so sorry

Original poster

WheresTheAuPair · 05/12/2008 11:53

I've good support in RL but having a down day today. i'm just so utterly hurt that hes done this and he still refuses to see he's done anything wrong. i supported him through his degree when i was working and its been me that funded us til this year when he finally graduated and got a real job. terrific timing hes got. he even phoned her when i was in hospital having CS. want to cry but refuse to waste my tears on the c*nt. my 2yr olds been ill all week so think i'm just drained by seeing to him and bfing this hungry baby. all the usual things i'd want to do to deal with it i cant do. i cant go out and get pissed as i'm the one left to look after this beautiful 6 week old baby. he's never going to properly know his dad now. how can he live with himself?
how does he sleep at night knowing hes done this to our family?

OP posts:

Lizzylou · 05/12/2008 11:55

How awful for you, do as others say, keep the bill and anything you may have.
Have you any support near by?
You sound very strong, so sorry you are going through this.

AreYouCallingMeDarling · 05/12/2008 12:03

I went through a breakup with my ExH some 12 years ago. It was very similar, though it was before the days mobiles were common.

He left me, and then moved in with her a few months later, and it was pretty clear that they had been in a relationship before he left.

I was very angry. But fairly soon it became clear that I was better off without him. He had not really liked my friends, but I could now see them whenever I wanted. I ended up happier, stronger and more indipendent. So will you.

orangehead · 05/12/2008 12:05

Im so sorry you are going through this. I had a similar thing 5 years ago now. Husband left 3 weeks after ds2 born, ds1 was only 16 months old. I had a very bad labour and was still poorly and couldnt sit down as my stitches had got infected at the time he left. It also turned out he was having an affair. He also claimed that I kicked him out . Please surround yourself with friends and family and get as much fiancial and legal advice as you can. Sending you huge hugs

HolyGuacamole · 05/12/2008 12:06

I found this

There is a bit of information on there so I hope it's helpful.

Asshole!!!!

ComeWhineWithMe · 05/12/2008 12:17

It is the best thing you could have done .
He sounds like an utter twerp and you do not want that kind of role model around for your dc .
One day he will be sat in a very lonely dark room and he will look back and realise what a c*nt he has been .
I agree with everyone who said get advice and support ,you could also try and contact surestart or homestart just for a bit of help (one lady came to visit me while I was BF and did my ironing and washing up ).
You need to keep any evidence you have too .
It sounds as though you are doing an amazing job for your gorgeous boys ,keep coming on here to vent and I know you said you wouldn't cry but if you need to do it sometimes makes you feel a lot better.
Another Unmn ((((hug)))).

Original poster

WheresTheAuPair · 05/12/2008 12:49

i'm staying at my parents place til sat. i left my key inside the front door so he cant get back in and left through the back one. i didnt want him going back and taking stuff.
just booked solictor appointment for a weeks time. feel better now- more in control. Plus just had lovely smiles from DS2 and DS1 been lovely- stroking his head!

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pramspotter · 05/12/2008 13:07

So sorry to hear about what you are going through. Men like your h can never admit they are wrong. Probably one of the most hurtful things will be the lies he tells about you...he will probably believe these things himself. He has to paint you as the bad guy who "drove" him to abandon his babies. He either has to do that or admit that he is a horrible evil man and that OW is a homewrecker. He is probably too much of a coward to admit that so he has to lay the blame on you.

As for ow...what kind of a sick evil twisted selfish person would help to take a man away from his babies and their mum. She must be sick. He obviously is a creep. What goes around comes around. Those two train wrecks deserve eachother.

potplant · 05/12/2008 13:17

"i did pack his bags but in my defence-..."

You don't need to defend yourself for chucking him out. Well done you for taking such strong action!

(and huge sympathy for having such a shit husband)

Original poster

WheresTheAuPair · 05/12/2008 13:19

thanks everyone for your kind words and stories- does all really help. Although i'm trying not to get upset its days like this when its hard not to think about it that its really going to get to me. I just cant believe he'd abandon the boys let alone me. and the betrayal of that phone bill makes me feel sick. all the nights i was staying at my mums (he said he was working late and couldn't be with us) coping with sick reflux baby (which has wierdly cleared up thankfully) i can see he was on the phone to her! hers is the last number he called each night. what a c*nt-hope he suffers as much as I have.

thanks for link Holyguacamole looking at this tho I cant see the advantage over a separation agreement than a divorce. I know i'm not the sort of person to be able to forgive this so cant see the point of doing one? may as well start the ball rolling with a divorce. That'll give him a bloody shock to get a letter from my solicitor. make him realise the absolute consequences to his actions.

OP posts:

orangehead · 05/12/2008 13:20

When my husband left someone said like pramspotter 'what comes around goes around'and I didnt think much of it and thought they were just saying it to make me feel better. But it ended up being so true. His life is a mess and he has lost so many things, not just his kids. I have a very close relationship with my two little boys, that he will never have. It was very hard when he left and I had some very dark times but eventually I learnt someone about myself, that I was alot stronger than I knew I was and stronger than he had ever given me credit for. I am a totally different person and more happier than I ever was back then. I dont think its karmer, I think it is simply that people that selfish eventually burn too many bridges and pee too many people off that it eventually bites them in the arse.
I am glad you are feeling more in control, for me I found that was the best way to cope, to arm myself with information and take control. Im glad you have support

Original poster

WheresTheAuPair · 05/12/2008 13:35

argh and now i get texts saying 'hope you are all ok' and 'tried to ring to see how you and the boys are'. How the F does he think i am? having a party? jumping about? grr makes me so angry. of course i'm not bloody well ok. obviously makes him feel better to be so kind as to ask!

Orangehead you sound very inspirational abd together- hope i get through this the same.

Pramspotter- i totally agree with you on all points- particularly about OW. what kind of bloody conversation must they have had while i was in hospital still wired up to drips etc?! the mind truly boggles at this.

OP posts:

orangehead · 05/12/2008 13:42

Typical, whenever you start to feel a bit together they contact you, I think they must have a radar. I think you are right it is to try and ease his conscience

HolyGuacamole · 05/12/2008 13:48

Yeah, after reading that page, I thought you sound like you're not exactly in the 'amicable' state of mind that a legal separation seems to require.

This is all hugely fresh/recent for you, and with all sorts of feelings and realisations coming at you just keep spilling the beans on here. Great that you have your parents to help support you. And well done on getting a solicitors appointment!! Go girl!!

TheSeriousSanta · 05/12/2008 13:48

WherestheAupair.

my only advice is, however shit this seems right now, please don't get eaten up with anger and rage.

Yes, it's really, really horrid and, at 6 weeks, it's shocking beyond belief - I reckon that must be about the hardest time after having a baby - your hormones are everywhere, lack of sleep is really kicking in..

Just be positive. You have two options now: You can get a divorce now. Or you can get a judicial separation. I know a lot about judicial separations - if that's something you feel you would like to consider, please say and I'll write down what it means.

On the plus side, for you, is that it mean the finaicials get sorted now, but you are still married. This means he can't marry anyone else, but means that you remain married for up to 5 years (it's your call, if you are the petitioner). That might be important for you, as you have such young kids.

pramspotter · 05/12/2008 13:50

I know it is ultimately his fault but I do not get these OW at all.

If I found myself having feelings for a married man with kids I would quit my job and move away even if it completely ruined my life. I would be gone. Wouldn't need to think twice about it.

A child's homelife will always, always be more important than any stupid romantic feelings that I could ever have and or my own personal need for a relationship. I see so many threads like yours on here and I just don't get these nasty people at all.

Jesus he was texting her whilst you were in hospital??? and now he is asking if you are all right? I would ignore him.

You sound very strong and also sound like a very good mother. Like I said before, don't let those two nasty trainwrecks drag you down. Easier said than done I am sure but you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.

threewisemonkeys · 05/12/2008 13:50

so sorry for you. everyone is on your side in this.

He deserves your scorn and everything else that will come his way, just please make sure that your bitterness and anger don't come across to the children.

He is a total w**ker for what he's done, but unfortunately he is still their dad and they need to be able to love him. You know that what he's done to you (& to them) is unforgivable but they don't, and they need a chance of a relationship of some sort with him, as hard as that will be for you.

I know from family experience that people lose sympathy for you if they suspect that children are being used or manipulated in any way and even if you show extreme emotion in front of them you are seen to have 'lost it' and this could be used against you if it turns ugly.

You are doing exactly the right things, being dignified and in control. As horrible as it is to be in this situation, just keep telling yourself that he was capable of this deception and of leaving you and your beautiful boys, so he is not the man you loved.

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