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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So is my MIL being um, silly?

44 replies

LynetteScavo · 09/11/2008 18:47

MIL was supposed to come over this morning. She hardly ever sees DC's even though she only lives 2/3 miles away.

She phoned this morning, and spoke to DH. Aparently she was beside herself becuase her cat has been run over, so decided not to come to see us after all.

DH thinks she's being totally as she seemed more upset that when her mother died last year, and this has put DH in a bad mood.

OP posts:
SalBySea · 09/11/2008 18:50

aw bless her - its very upsetting when I pet dies

WingsofaAngel · 09/11/2008 18:50

Depends how long she had the cat,people become very attached to animals so I think it's natural she would be upset.

Twims · 09/11/2008 18:51

Not being silly at all

imnotmamagbutshelovesme · 09/11/2008 18:53

No, it is irrelevant how often she sees the children. She has lost a much loved pet and she is probably devastated.

SesHashadafab12weekscan · 09/11/2008 18:54

Hmmm....

Losing a pet can be very upsetting so I really feel for your MIL. They are like a member of the family. Would be strange to be more upset that when her mother died but grief affects different people differently. It maybe that she is v upset for a short time with the cat but grief over her mothers' death may have been more drawn out. Don't know....just summising...

However, if she only lives 2/3 miles away, what a shame she hardly ever sees DCs! Is there a reason she doesn't see them much? Is she likely to come again soon?

I think you are right to think she maybe could have put a brave face on things - especially as she doesn't see them often - and popped over anyway.

Don't think she's silly, just not seeing the bigger picture.

edam · 09/11/2008 18:55

Maybe she didn't want to upset your children? It is very shocking and miserable when your cat is run over.

twentypence · 09/11/2008 18:55

If my MIL only lives 2 miles away and had just lost a pet - I would have gone around to see her instead.

unknownrebelbang · 09/11/2008 18:56

No, she's not being silly.

Not about this issue anyway.

I'd have gone and visited her, tbh, to make sure she was ok.

edam · 09/11/2008 18:56

When I had to take my cat to the vets to be put down, the vet wanted to run a few tests so told me to come back in an hour. Bumped into my best mate in the corner shop who, bless her, insisted on taking me back to hers. But I had to hide in a corner because her little boy was around and I was in floods of tears. I did try VERY hard not to let on to him but it was really terrible.

DontlookatmeImshy · 09/11/2008 18:57

No I don't think she's being silly.

People get very attached to their pets and it can be very upsetting when they die.

Don't know how old the cd's are but could you get the dc's to make her a card and take it round to her if she's only 2/3 miles away.

DontlookatmeImshy · 09/11/2008 18:58

dc's not cd's

nickytwotimes · 09/11/2008 19:00

She is not being silly at all. Having a pet run over is devastating.

I suspect other issues?

Weegle · 09/11/2008 19:01

I was a wreck when my favourite cat died. I pulled myself together pretty quickly but not for a good 5-6 hours. It was also a shock as he was run over. Think I would give her a break!

hecate · 09/11/2008 19:03

no, she is not being silly. people get VERY attached to their pets.

I think you should have gone over there instead. I am sure she is REALLY upset.

cluelessnchaos · 09/11/2008 19:06

not being silly, she was probably more numb when her mum died but upset for longer,

sunnygirl1412 · 09/11/2008 19:16

Following on from what cluelessnchaos said, it may be that the death of her cat has been the catalyst for the pent-up grieving about her mother too. I found that when my dad died - it was a few months later when a totally trivial thing set me off - it was the catharsis I needed.

MadamDeathstare · 09/11/2008 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 09/11/2008 19:57

We can't go to her house on the spur of the moment as MIL DH has mental health problems and is very nervous of our children. He's OK if he's has lots of warning and has prepared himself, but then he's still very on edge, poor bloke.

DH couldn't go on his own, as I had to go out at 10.30am. The DC's have made a sympthey card, though which I'll drop off tommorow.

I guess DH and I are just not that attatched to our cats. I wasn't even that upset when beloved childhood cat died when I was 18.

I've just remembered that MIL was really upset when she bought a new car, and had to say goodbye to her old one, which she'd had for 14 years. It had a name and everything. MIL couldn't go out for a week.

I guess she's just a lot more sensitive than DH and I.

OP posts:
LadyGlencoraPalliser · 09/11/2008 20:06

My cat died last weekend. I cried my eyes out and I have been grieving all week. I think you are being unreasonable. As for trying to compare how she reacted when her mother died, that is beyond unreasonable - people's reactions to bereavement are extremely complex and much is not visible on the surface. Your reaction and your DH's seems rather self-centred tbh.

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 09/11/2008 20:20

MIL didn't get on with her mother, and was obvioulsy relieved when she died - for a number of reasons. DH, though was very atatched to his grandmother, and we took respossibility for her in the last weeks of her life and when she died. DH is quite angry with the rest of his family for not being upset when she died. SIL didn't come to the funeral or internmant.

We are the ones who have been encouraging the grandparent/granadchild relationship for the past 10 years, which is really difficult when MIL will only come over if there is a birthday/Christmas involved. We'd ask her to make some new curtains for us, jsut to get her to come to the house. We could have easily measured the window, but pretended she would do it better, just to get her to come to our house, so she could see the DCs.

At least I have a sparking house now, as we'd spring cleaned for the visit.

OP posts:
Original poster
LynetteScavo · 09/11/2008 21:06

So how should I play it now?

I was just going to pop the card round with a quick "I'm sorry about the cat"

Is that not enough? Do I have to take flowers?

She has another cat - his brother. They are/were both eally old, about 14 I think, but she's only had them a couple of years. The other cat will be devistated. Should I do something to help? (Not sure what!)

OP posts:
unavailable · 09/11/2008 23:30

I'd do nothing if I were you. Dont go and visit - you can sneer more freely at home.

MsHighwater · 09/11/2008 23:37

Maybe, with her dh's mental health probs, she has a lot on her plate. Could this explain the infrequency of her visits?

StayFrosty · 09/11/2008 23:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 09/11/2008 23:49

As I said earlier;

DH thinks she's being totally as she seemed more upset that when her mother died last year, and this has put DH in a bad mood.

I had DH in a bad mood becuase his DM didn't come to visit. He was the one thinking she was being silly - not me, if you read my OP properly.

It's so frustrating that she will come and see us while we are at work when we don't really have time to talk to her properly, but we can't pin her down to see the DC's!DH is feeling very let down by his parents this year, and I think this is just the icing on the cake for him.

Unavailable - that post was really helpful dear. I'm hardly sneering.

OP posts: