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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How can I live with myself

79 replies

IMoreThanHateMyself · 28/10/2008 17:15

I am so disgusted, I feel sick just writing this down and quite frankly I dont know what is to be gained by admiting my actions. I was so upset this evening I threw a few things at DD 13yr and then I kicked her . I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and just want to go and die. There is no excuse, nothing at all. I am feeling really low at the moment and was very cross with her. I said I would leave the family and just take DS with me as he is only one who cares and respects me. She shrugged her shoulders! Of course I can see now it was not meant, neither was the abnormal behaviour I displayed. Point is where do we go from here. It cannot be forgotten ever, I want to die. She has gone to friends house now for sleepover (pre-arranged) and says she forgives me, it doesnt matter but it does. What can I do. I am sitting her full of pure disgust and self pity so although there will be people ready to hurl abuse at me, please dont, I just cant cope with it. Please only give me some advice if you think it will help and I am sorry to everyone who reads this and feels sick. DH has just gone away on business for a wk.

OP posts:

needmorecoffee · 28/10/2008 17:17

have you apologised? Explained to her how out of control you felt?
I still feel bad about when dd 14 taunted me and taunted me and I shrieked like a harridan at her. 3 months later she ran away from home and I haven't seen her since.
Obviously a lot more going on than one incident but I'd take it back if I could.

thesockmonsterofdoom · 28/10/2008 17:20

Ok, when I was about 14 my mum slapped me round the face, we didnt talk for most of the day and she phoned me at my holiday job to apologise, obviously I have never forgotten it, i however forgave her straight away and perhaps though twice about pissing her about quite so much.
Hormones are very hard work all round, you will be fine, maybe go somewhere with her, shopping or something just on your own and rebond.

Original poster

IMoreThanHateMyself · 28/10/2008 17:21

Yes I hugged her, kissed her, apologised and told her how and why I was so upset. It never can make it right though. I must be the most vile mother of all time. She is my baby, how could I do that. I am breaking my heart and now have to go get DS and put on a happy face for his sake. My DCs are everything to me.

OP posts:

Ewe · 28/10/2008 17:21

Take her out shopping or something and it will soon be forgotten, teenagers are fickle thing and if it is a one off I am sure she will soon forgive and forget it.

However, you need some help if you can't control your temper to your own child. Teenagers are very frustrating and it will more than likely only get worse. Have you seen your GP about feeling low?

If it is having thise sort of impact on your family maybe you are depressed? Can you speak to someone about this?

So sorry to hear about your DD needmorecoffee

thesockmonsterofdoom · 28/10/2008 17:21

NMC you do know that wasnt why dont you? you beat yourself up far too much.

honestfriend · 28/10/2008 17:22

Have you thought of contacting Parentline- or even working with a parenting coach long term to try to help you in this?

I think you are being hard on yourself- we all do things we regret and you must have been pushed to the limit.

My advice is to get help from someone.

dittany · 28/10/2008 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Carmenere · 28/10/2008 17:23

You did it because you are human and she was being a pain in the arse. No one is perfect and as long as you don't make a habit of it, I'm sure it will be fine.
NMC that is so, so sad, I feel very sorry for you it must be hell. However I'm sure IMTHM's dd will not run away.

dittany · 28/10/2008 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

acoady · 28/10/2008 17:24

You're not vile, your just a mum who has weaknesses like all of us. You should be proud that you apologised, your dd will respect you for that. You need to resolve to learn from the experience, and then it won't be wasted. Everything will be fine.

Original poster

IMoreThanHateMyself · 28/10/2008 17:27

Im in a bad place because my marriage is so dire, its a long story and wont go into it. DH makes me so so so sad but I still love him and want to be here. He was busy packing when all this broke out, he is away for a week and I am upset about it. SO yes, I was already feeling at my lowest ebb when this all took place. BUT it is not OK. I need to find a way back to being the parent I used to be.

OP posts:

dittany · 28/10/2008 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jesuswhatnext · 28/10/2008 17:33

ooooh my love - try and stop being so hard on yourself! - i can promise you that you are not the first and only mother ever to have gone off on one at a teenage daughter - most of us with teenagers regret some of the things we have done and said in the heat of the moment - my dd is an only child adn the light of my life but bloody hell, she aint no saint and neither am i.

i'm sure that you have always done your best for her and as she grows up she will realise this - my mum and i had some humdingers of rows, when i look back now i'm surprised she didn't strangle me, i was a tpita and she was a normal mum, just like you and me

give her a big hug tomorrow, say sorry and then MOVE ON

BloodyStranglingwithBling · 28/10/2008 17:36

"I said I would leave the family and just take DS with me as he is only one who cares and respects me."

This is the bit your DD will remember forever. I know, because my mum did it to me once - told me she would kill herself. I said, "Fine. Go ahead. Don't expect me to respond to that kind of threats". But I never really forgave her and I'm glad I was 18 at the time so a tiny bit more mature than I would have been at 14.

I know you asked for support, but really, I think you need to relook at this - support shouldn't mean agreeing with you or assuring you that you are a good mother, when quite clearly, you have some serious problems.

Your post is all about what a bad mother you are. What about how your daughter is feeling? No matter how bad you feel right now, you should be focusing on your daughter, not yourself. So my advice is that: You need to apologise, unreservedly. You need to assure her you did not mean what you said and that neither the kicking nor statements of that sort will ever happen again. And then... they absolutely must not happen again. You are the parent and you must act it.

missingtheaction · 28/10/2008 17:37

Calm down, it really isn't such a big deal. So you lost it with her - well nobody's perfect, and at 13 she is perfectly capable of seeing that she caught you at a bad moment.

Um, i know you only want positive advice etc but do you think you are being a teeny bit selfindulgent here with the melodrama? Concentrate on getting it right tomorrow - you already know how to be a good parent. Start now.

BloodyStranglingwithBling · 28/10/2008 17:39

"It's really not such a big deal"?

Really?
"I was so upset this evening I threw a few things at DD 13yr and then I kicked her "

Let's imagine for one second the post was from a woman saying, "My DH was so upset this evening he threw things at DD and then kicked her".... what would the response be?

I'm not saying it can't be fixed, I'm saying please first acknowledge there really is a problem.

scaryfucker · 28/10/2008 17:41

yes I agree with bling and missing

get over yourself

when your dd comes back from her sleepover, sit her down and apologise again, make sure she knows you didn't mean any of it

then try and find a way together to keep a lid on these heated exchanges. If you need further help in your marriage or on keeping your temper, then seek it

I do sypathise however, I have a 13 yr old dd and some days I could cheerfully belt her round the chops (and she me). Its pretty par for the course I'm afraid.

feelingbitbetter · 28/10/2008 17:41

Once upon a time, long ago when I was a teen, I remember my Mother kicking me in the face and hitting me with a frying pan (2 seperate incidents, I hasten to add).....(among others ).
It's a bit different coz I was a complete bitch and deserved it all (drunk, couldn't get my key in the door, kerfuffle wakes mother who opens door, I fall in a la del boy at the bar, she kicks me in the face and goes to bed) (frying pan incident followed my apology for setting the kitchen alight whilst drunkenly making cheese on toast - it was the only thing to hand!). I, being a typical teen, couldn't have cared less, and didn't understand the stress she was under.
While I did deserve punishment, my dear Mother lost it completely with me. I still remember it and never held it against her. She's not with us any more, but it didn't take us very long to laugh about the (numerous) times I drove her to distraction. You've apologised and explained. Your DD will be an adult soon. The day will come when you will look back and smile (even if it is with embarrassment). Please don't be too hard on yourself.

missingtheaction · 28/10/2008 17:45

stranglingbling is right about the 'i will leave you and take ds' bit, that will hurt and you will have to prove by your actions (not words) that it's not true.

and if you feel out of control or this is a regular occurrance then yes there is a problem

but either way - the cure is in your hands

dittany · 28/10/2008 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TotalChaos · 28/10/2008 17:53

tell your daughter you know what you did was very wrong, and that for her sake you are going to get help to make sure this sort of incident ever happens again, as she didn't deserve to be treated like this. whether it's counselling or a trip to the gp, you need to take a long hard look at why this happened.

Original poster

IMoreThanHateMyself · 28/10/2008 18:40

I didn't say I was looking for support. Neither am I being melodramatic OR self indulgent. Why do some of you Mumsnetters like to kick a person when they are down. Perhaps I should have known better than to seek advice. I have apologised, more than once. I have explained why it happended (no excuse), and I am trying to find a way to FIX IT for her NOT ME. I know I will live with my shame and guilt forever, I am looking for advice to find ways to help DD. Don't some of you ever read these threads thoroughly. My only self indulgence is the feeling of not wanting to live just now, well thats not a great feeling let me tell you.

OP posts:

quinne · 28/10/2008 18:54

pointless words I know because you cannot help how you feel but there really is no benefit to beating yourself up like this. You did something not nice but none of us are perfect.

It is like any relationship where there is a serious argument isn't it? i.e. you need to apologise so she knows you mean that you are sorry and that you should never have said the words (especially as you do not mean them) nor hit her. Then the two of you have got to find a way to move on together and out this behind you.

I'd agree with BSWB who said it was the words that would be remembered longer than the action (even if everyone she tells reacts more to the action). So that is what you need to focus on through your behaviour to her i.e. that she is amazingly important to you.

Meantime don't be surprised if she tries to win some concessions out of this once she realises how guilty you feel (I know i would have at that age!). My children are not so old yet but when they are, if I am in your position I would first tell them i am sorry, then make sure they feel loved and then resume being their mother. Its not their job to make you feel better unfortunately, but you have not ruined your relationship here.

scaryfucker · 28/10/2008 18:55

IMTHM, the advice given to you on this thread is appropriate. Nobody is kicking you when you are down.

If that was the case, they would call you a child-abuser then leave. The comments are constructive.

honestfriend · 28/10/2008 19:09

Please phone Parentline- they are trained to help and it might be better for you to have a conversation with someone in RL than rely on these boards.

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