How can I live with myself

[IMoreThanHateMyself]

I am so disgusted, I feel sick just writing this down and quite frankly I dont know what is to be gained by admiting my actions. I was so upset this evening I threw a few things at DD 13yr and then I kicked her . I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and just want to go and die. There is no excuse, nothing at all. I am feeling really low at the moment and was very cross with her. I said I would leave the family and just take DS with me as he is only one who cares and respects me. She shrugged her shoulders! Of course I can see now it was not meant, neither was the abnormal behaviour I displayed. Point is where do we go from here. It cannot be forgotten ever, I want to die. She has gone to friends house now for sleepover (pre-arranged) and says she forgives me, it doesnt matter but it does. What can I do. I am sitting her full of pure disgust and self pity so although there will be people ready to hurl abuse at me, please dont, I just cant cope with it. Please only give me some advice if you think it will help and I am sorry to everyone who reads this and feels sick. DH has just gone away on business for a wk.

Whilst not condoning your actions, your story reminds me of something my Mam did to me when I was about the same age as your DD.

I had hit a very very cheeky stage and was winding my Mam up by not doing as I was told and then telling her to "take a tablet" when she asked me to do something. She responded by pushing me up against a wall and giving me a clout around the head.

She was instantly apologetic and spent a long time afterwards saying sorry for what she had done. I obviously remember this so it did stick in my head but to be honest, me and Mam laugh about it now!

Each time it is mentioned she cringes with shame but it is seen as something that shouldn't have happened but did and we moved on from it fairly quickly.

I think it made me realise that my Mam is human and can be pushed like everybody else. Of course every situation is different and I think you need to ensure that this definitely doesn't happen again and then in years to come it may hopefully be looked upon the same way I do the incident with my Mam.

Don't beat yourself up - when your DD comes home tomorrow sit down with her, explain that you are feeling low at the moment and that you feel terrible about hitting her and that it is not at all acceptable.

Give her a big cuddle and leave it at that.

Hope you feel happier soon.

I once smacked my DS1 when he was only 2 because he scratched DS2 face (when he was 10 days old). I too felt sick at myself for ages. We all make mistakes but just have to apologise and move on. Your daughter will eventually (in about 10 years realise that you too are human and make mistakes)

The events that led up to the awful happening were me being low and upset with DH which had been building for a few days, His business trip is going to involve also seeing family and friends (we are being left out), because it is a business trip also. DD being very stroppy and not bothered that she has missed 4 out of 7 very expensive guitar lessons and me telling her off about it and her more or less shrugging it off. Generally being stroppy and disrespectful to me. We had just come back from a day out where I had bought her really nice clothes for parties, shoes, haircut, lunch etc etc. Her general lack of respect coupled with her shrug when I said I would leave because no-one in this house respects me. It hurt (her shrug), and I over reacted. I feel sorry to the pit of my stomach that she will carry that memory forever even though she is fine with me. So to reiterate, I am not being self indulgent. I adore my DD and she is spoiled and loved beyond compare (she knows it too). Thanks Dittany for not slating me as some others have done.

At the risk of repeating myself, you are not being slated.

" awful happening " ?????

re-read your posts IMTHM

I could tell you some "awful" things.

In your own words, your dd is adored and indulged. You made a mistake. She is still here for you to make amends.

I will say no more on this thread because you want to feel bad and if I were there with you in RL,, I would give you a hug and tell you that you were over-reacting.

Well my dear Mum "lost it" with me on more than one occasion, but we have a fabulous relationship now and I love her dearly.A combination of a selfish pain in the arse teenager, and a stressed out parent is always going to end in tears. I have to try v.hard with my own teen dd not to lash out at times, don't be too hard on yourself what happened was wrong but should not permantly alter the path of your loving relationship.

She might not remember it for the rest of her life, you don't know.
If she does she might just remember an incident where her mum lost it but then tried to do the right thing and apologised.

She'll know how bad you feel about it, and hopefully if she does remember this incident, she'll also remember your actions afterwards.

My mum has lost it with me I still love her and we have a great relationship.
This one occurance will not break your relationship - if it does then there's something else going on.

(Some) teenagers can be complete pains in the arses. They just love to goad. I don't think they can help themselves and I sympathise, it does take enormous restraint to not throttle them.

I was really challenging and very provocative. Once my dad - who never laid a finger on any of us - totally lost it. He didn't actually hurt me but he did slam me against a wall and I could see he wanted to absolutely wallop me! I forgave (I so had it coming) but I have to admit I've NEVER forgotten the fear and surprise of an adult out of control and I wonder if your daughter may be replaying that scene in her head too.

It sounds to me as if you should put this behind you but choose a time soon to have a sit down with her. Acknowledge your behaviour and hers but don't dwell on it.

Instead say it's time to agree some ground rules. Get her input but keep parental control i.e. why has she missed the guitar lessons, is she bored with them? OK stop then and find something else of interest. No she's just too lazy, well does she understand the financial implications etc? Tell her you have no prob her not going as long she knows that next time she fails to attend then you'll be deducating X out of her pocket money. Give her a level of responsibility too.

As lots of posters have said it sounds like you are on the edge and very unhappy about many things going on in your life and she just tipped the balance tonight.

Have you considered chatting to a counsellor? Just so you can get on top of your issues with DH and then find some strength to get back in control as a parent.

Most of all don't worry!

Caprica LOL don't be shocked. It was one event in a long list of seriously being a complete out of control teenager. Think I was 16-17 at the time, but she had been putting up with it for years (from DBs too, not just me) but drinking, staying out all night, smoking, fighting, laughing in her face as she tried to control me, generally not giving a fuck for anyone but myself, it took its toll. to reference, apart from almost burning the house down (which I did, more than once) I kicked through the glass door to the kitchen, flooded the bathroom (drunk again) left the front door wide open all night (in not a nice area) got ambulanced to hospital after being paralytic on home made wine, I could go on for years! I'm surprised she didn't lash out more often TBH. I don't blame myself at all. I accept, as an adult that I was a complete nightmare and understood why she lost her temper with me on ocaisson.

With all due respect, you kicked your daughter. You obviously realise that something is seriously wrong and want to fix it, but you shouldn't be surprised at people taking a tough stance with you and telling you to focus on her and not you. A lot of people have suggested counselling or calling Parentline. You should do that because if you lost control yesterday, you can do it again another day.

IMoreThanHateMyself, how are you feeling this morning. Did you get much sleep?

Has your dd been in contact, is she coming home soon from her sleepover?

I was
I'm better now, I promise

Sometimes I get frustrated with my other half, but there is NO way I as an adult responsible for my own actions I would take my frustration out on either my DP or our child.
I am sorry that IMoreThanHateMyself lost control and I also understand parenting is so so hard. Especially of teens and pre-teens.
I do not know whether Dittany is wrong for in some way blaming IMoreThanHateMyself's DH.
But I do know some people with agendas sometimes have a less than helpful axe to grind.
IMoreThanHateMyself none of us here can understand or judge exactly from the info you have posted here, what you have been/are going through.
I suggest your seek in the the first instance counselling for yourself...with further counselling for your loved ones, shortly after if needed.

Your daughter may also be upset about her dad/the relationship between her parents and taking that out on you to some extent - my little brother was a nightmare at about 15 when his dad (my stepdad) left our mum.

DD is behaving quite normally. Despite what happened we are very loving and close to each other. She said 'its ok, it didn't matter', well it matters to me because she went through it and it will always be there. I feel like shi* and deserve to i know. If i am honest, I feel I am verging on a breakdown. Always crying when alone, my heart is aching and I wish my marriage was as it should be. I don't know what will come to pass over my actions with DD, I wish a big black hole would open upfor me and that she had never ever ever been subjected to my anger. I am disgusting and I know it.

you're still being self indulgent. Sorry.

It was awful. But rather than going on about how "disgusting" you are, go get help. You are obviously in a tough place - your family, your marriage etc. Please go get help.

get over it.

dont keep apologising ffs, wait til she pushes you further...becuase your a soft touch.

get over it

If you had kicked her and not given it a second thought that would be something to be worried about

Nobody can make you feel any worse than you do now

I remeber at 17 my dad slapping my face and it bruised he caught me with his wedding ring
Being a bitch I milked it for days

I deserved it I had told him to f**k off

My dad started crying and took of his wedding ring my mum shouting at me for reducing my dad to then the falling out with him over him taking his ring off

I caused hell at home

Custy is right, get over it. It was awful yes, but if you let her see that you are dying over it then she may decide to use it against you. If she were so inclined. You have apologised, let her see that you feel bad, and it wont happen again, but don't let her think it is the end of the world. You may be putting ideas into her head about how awful it was. I mean in the grand scale it wasn't that bad was it.

I also agree with who ever said you should deal with the issues with your H. If it was your anger at him that drove you to take things out on your dc's then that issue needs addressing first. If you really do want to get back to being the parent you used to be then that is how to do it.
I take my frustrations and anger at my OH out on the dc's sometimes, only by being very grumpy and shouty, nothing physical beyond a little smack on the legs (for which I feel bad enough I can tell you), so in that respect I know how you feel. When my OH is not around or we are in a good place I am a much calmer and less shouty parent.
If your DH makes you so sad and has led you to this then perhaps you should reevaluate WHY you still love him and want to be there.

And btw, she is NOT a baby anymore. and teenagers can be horribly difficult to deal with, I can totally wait til mine get there. A shrug to her is no big deal but I can imagine it would make me see red, if she thinks this was no big deal then let her. I mean tell her that you feel bad and it should never have happened, but don't put more emphasis on it than is neccessary.