How can I live with myself

[IMoreThanHateMyself]

I am so disgusted, I feel sick just writing this down and quite frankly I dont know what is to be gained by admiting my actions. I was so upset this evening I threw a few things at DD 13yr and then I kicked her . I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and just want to go and die. There is no excuse, nothing at all. I am feeling really low at the moment and was very cross with her. I said I would leave the family and just take DS with me as he is only one who cares and respects me. She shrugged her shoulders! Of course I can see now it was not meant, neither was the abnormal behaviour I displayed. Point is where do we go from here. It cannot be forgotten ever, I want to die. She has gone to friends house now for sleepover (pre-arranged) and says she forgives me, it doesnt matter but it does. What can I do. I am sitting her full of pure disgust and self pity so although there will be people ready to hurl abuse at me, please dont, I just cant cope with it. Please only give me some advice if you think it will help and I am sorry to everyone who reads this and feels sick. DH has just gone away on business for a wk.

"He firmly believes that I am the problem" just goes to prove that he is the problem. He does not value your thoughts and feelings, he has no respect for you. No wonder that you are feeling so out of control with your emotions

I have to agree

It strikes me that your issues go far beyond your outburst from the other day and that you are at a point of crisis in your life. I think it is a very positive thing that you are beginning to recognize the need for change.

I'm sorry if I am repeating what others are saying but even though you may not be able to change others around you, you CAN work on making changes for yourself. (not to point fingures but the red flags went up for me when you said your DH had decided that your marriage didn't need any more help after three counseling sessions - for pity's sake!) It sounds as though you have eroded self esteem and are feeling generally depressed These are things that you can and should seek help for and, in doing so, will help you to see your life more clearly. Start treating yourself more kindly and be very careful of how you talk to yourself. Negative rhetoric breeds negative feelings.

A positive initial step would be to change your posting name from IMTHM to something else.

That being said, I am very sorry for your current situation and I wish you lots of strength.

Everyone who posted after my last one said exactly what I was trying to get you to realise - couselling will help there are places that you can get it for free. You MUST speak to your GP. You need help, not just for your family but for yourself. Angry and resentment will bubble up and find a way out like what happened with DD, next time and there will be a next time it might not be DD on the recieving end but someone or something will. Its like a infection the puss will find a way out.

Nothing will change till you decide you need help and seek it.