How can I live with myself

[IMoreThanHateMyself]

I am so disgusted, I feel sick just writing this down and quite frankly I dont know what is to be gained by admiting my actions. I was so upset this evening I threw a few things at DD 13yr and then I kicked her . I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and just want to go and die. There is no excuse, nothing at all. I am feeling really low at the moment and was very cross with her. I said I would leave the family and just take DS with me as he is only one who cares and respects me. She shrugged her shoulders! Of course I can see now it was not meant, neither was the abnormal behaviour I displayed. Point is where do we go from here. It cannot be forgotten ever, I want to die. She has gone to friends house now for sleepover (pre-arranged) and says she forgives me, it doesnt matter but it does. What can I do. I am sitting her full of pure disgust and self pity so although there will be people ready to hurl abuse at me, please dont, I just cant cope with it. Please only give me some advice if you think it will help and I am sorry to everyone who reads this and feels sick. DH has just gone away on business for a wk.

I take on board what you have both said BandofMorthers and Dittany. Yes I agree. Maybe I should leave the DH since he is making me so dam sad and unhappy. I have to say tho my DC would be devasted, they hero worship him, I feel in limbo, being sad myself, or putting them in a sad place if I left DH. I have'nt lashed out at DC before and I do know in my heart it was a one off. She 'appears' totally ok.

But these things happen, teenagers are hellish. I had an argument with my mum once and stormed out the house after 10:30. I stayed out in the cold and rain for ages and got such a bollocking when I got back. Totally (almost) off topic, is she not interested in the guitar lessons??/ You could ask her if she wants to stop them if she isn't going.

My sil has a 20 yo dd, and when she was about 16 she had been into heroin, run away from home and all sorts. My sil took her back in and she then had a party, and while my sil slept upstairs she let all her friends steal everything. My sil slapped her round the face. Her dd then pressed charges against her. my sil had her own nursery business, wasfully qualified nursery nurse etc which she lost. Child abuse charges meant she could no longer work with children. Her dd knew this would happen if she pressed charges.
Now she is 20 and no longer lives at home they get along much better. She moved in and out several times in between 16 and 20 and they have grown much closer again as the dd has grown up into a woman now.
Don't despair. The 2 of you will be fine, now stop beating yourself up and move on, but learn from it and take your anger out on your DH instead

She probably is totally ok.
They may hero worship him now, but kids are not dumb, and they will grow up and realise what was really going on. It is only as adults that we realise that our parents are not god like beings, but that they too still feel like 18 yo's fumbling around messing things up too.

Thanks. Apart from her normal teenage hormonal behaviour she is the most amazing person and despite what I have done, I love her with all my heart and more.

my dd's are only 2 and 5, and my OH and me have been on the brink of breaking up several times this year. DD1 adores h im, and I do worry about what will happen if we seperate, though we are currently not doing too badly.

They will survive and I think they would probably rather you were happy seperately then miserable together. After all your seperation from him wont affect their individual relationships with him past not livin gin the same house.

Dittany you put it so well, IMTHM, of course you love her.
I adore my girls but dd1 drives me up the wall already, not listening, arsing around, being all "whatever mum". She doesn't actually say it, but she may as well give me the hand, grrrrrr. Once I grabbed her arms got right in her face and roared in her face, quite literally cos she ffrustrated me so much. She looked shocked, then burst into tears. It still makes me cringe with shame, butthere you go. I can't change it.
Now if I am snappy she says "It's okay mummy, you're just having a grumpy day aren't you??" I mean come on, twist the knife a bit.
I can wait til the hormonal times, it's bad enough when only I am hormonal, but when all 3 of us are I dread it, plus we are all 3 fire signs too. It will be hell.

PLease don't feel so bad. It was awful, yes, but you are only human.

I suppose I most not be as selfless as a mother ought to be. I am too selfish to leave DH as I could not deal with him having the DC every other weekend and taking them away on trips etc. I know it sounds pathetic but I dont want to be apart from them for even a day, that makes me selfish I know

Couldn't you look at it as some time to yourself??
I don't like being away from mine but sometimes it is nice to have a day out without them. In fact sometimes I need it. Then the time you are together will be even more special. I am not as selfless as I thought I would be as a mother. I have found that I want to be more selfish than I can be and it was quite a shock to me. But I am human, everyone needs me time. and alone time, sometimes I want to be alone even without DH, just ME!!! There's nothing wrong with that.

You need to think about how to make your life better - this happened because you are sad and unhapy if you want to make up for it you should be finding ways to make your life better and therefore your dcs too.

By staying in a situation that is making you like this you are not doing anything to prevent it from happening again.

I totally understand what you are saying but as a SAHM and woulkd continue to be even If I left DH, I have plenty of Me time and quite frankly I don't want it. I know it is unrealistic, but I love being with my DC 24/7 whenever possible. My DH would cut off his nose to spite his face, as the saying goes. If I said I was so unhappy I was leaving, he would escort me to the door. Guess that says it all really.

I haven't read all the threads, just wanted to pick up on a few things here.

Firstly, you lost your temper, you were wrong - but you know something, parents aren't perfect. Move on, your DD will - she has already forgiven you and she loves you. Don't turn this into an issue for her. You have said sorry and that is good, just be her mum.

Secondly - your last post rang bells for me - Your DH saying he will escort you to the door - that is an injured lion reacting with bravado, a cruel thing to say because i bet you were wanting him to say, no, don't go! I can say this because me and my DP do this - it becomes a circle - he will say something i don't like, i will say, if you don't like it fuck off, he says ok then i will, or the classic, we are only together because of DD. It actually is just both of us reacting to each other, when we are tired, stressed out and at end of tether.

Do you thik your DH would agree to some counselling?

I should add my own story about my DD here, although i think your issue is your DH.

My DD is eighteen, she has given us her fair share of trouble and has left home - we get on so much better now. But i have lost my temper with her, and i mean, REALLY lost my temper with her - once she was soo drunk one new year, during the day - she was 16. She started getting all lary with me, and i just lamped her one, knocked her clean out , well, helped the alcohol on her way - im no way proud of that, and thank god she was too pissed to remember!!! I don't consider myself a bad mother or a bad person, but a person can only take so much before you snap. There was more to this than her being drunk btw.

yes, I know what you are say. He wouldnt go for counselling thought as we did relate 3 yrs back for maybe 3 sessions until he decided we didnt need them. Nothing has changed tho and he still acts like he is always in the right, I am always in the wrong and if I don't like it - go. This makes it even more painful because he would let me go rather than (put himself in a vunerable place) by saying he wanted me to stay.

What is it that causes conflict between you?

?????????????????????????????

It all went belly up when I had PND which he has always said was 'rubbish, an excuse'

Then you need to find another way to make yourself happier - you've said this happened because you are unhappy in your current situation and yet you will do nothing to help yourself. Are you sure you want things to improve? Don't your deserve better? What will you say to DD in years to come if she does ask you to explain? What will you say or do if it happens again - which it could as you are not prepared to do anything to ensure it doesn't.

I did'nt say I would 'do nothing'. But you have to be 100% clear in your head to make a drastic change.

Oh, you do have my sympathy - i had PND and still suffer from crippling anxiety - My DP doesn't get it either. Has someone spoken to him about this, someone who can make him understand?

Things have never really been the same for us since DD2 was born. We have a big gap too - 15 years./

Correct you have to be certain you want to change - I never said the only way was to leave him - but you must want to change things otherwise why post?

IMTHM you are obviously very depressed. Even if your husband won't agree to counselling, I think you should get some for you.
You say that your children 'hero worship' their father, so it is not entirely suprising that they treat you with indifference if that is how he treats you.
Counselling may help you work out why you are so determined to stay with a man who doesn't love or respect you.
In the nicest possible way, it sounds as though you don't truely believe that you deserve any respect. You need to start believing that you deserve better treatment from your husband, for your sake and for your DC's.
I really hope you can find a way to make life feel better x

Lovebeingamummy, of course I want things/me to change but at this precise moment in time, I am so distraught and full of despair I cannot think straight. I have been accused here of being 'self indulgent' and told to 'get over myself', I am here because I was looking for advice/help. I DO value people constructive comments, of course I do, I, at the moment, am finding it so incredibly hard to feel anything other than revulsion for my actions.
Exasperatedmummy, thank you for telling me your story, its a brave thing to admit. Please tell me, how did you come to terms with what you had done to DD? I know it is impossible to take back but I feel so crucified. Yes, I was also accused here of being 'melodramatic'. I cannot help my makeup, I am what I am and yes I feel crucified for my actions.

Yes Dittany. I did start having a bit of counselling a few weeks back but stopped as I could not afford it. Have been numerous times on and off through the last 10 years. DH sneered at me once and asked 'did it do any good then'. He firmly believes I am the problem.