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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

personal comment about my DS

30 replies

N8sofie · 24/10/2008 18:13

Another mother that i am freindly with at my sons primary school, I'll call her Kate, made a comment this afternoon:

(a bit of background) DS1 11yrs started at independent secondary in september, my youngest DS 7yrs is in the same class as her son. I was taking her son home with us after school for tea. DS1 was with me at pick up time as his school had an 'occassional day' (like an inset day). Anyway Kate made a negative quip about him having a day off, was very about his school having an ocasional day, i told her it was like an inset day.
But what she said next stunned me, "Hasn't he got a small head, it's tiny" She cupped her hands to show the shape and size of his head. "So tiny". I said nothing, and my DS1 nudged me in the ribs.

My DS has always been the smallest in the class, he does have a slight build, and his face and head are in proportion to this but I feel she picked this out. It was another negative comment, but this time about his appearence rather than about his school.

I have two questions if anyone can help: What should I have said to back up my DS (that is my main concern). And secondly, what do you think is going on with her?

OP posts:

belgo · 24/10/2008 18:15

It was a very rude thing for her to say. But some people are just like that, they make rude comments without any care for how they make people feel. I would ignore her, and reassure your ds he is perfect.

hanaflower · 24/10/2008 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

childrenofthecornsilk · 24/10/2008 18:16

Ignore her. Very rude.

cocoleBOO · 24/10/2008 18:18

You should have told her his head size was perfectly normal, she just has freakishly large hands.

WigWamBam · 24/10/2008 18:19

I wouldn't have done much, I don't think, and I wouldn't have read too much into it.

I'd probably have said, in a very breezy manner, "No, he hasn't. He's a small boy, and his head is in proportion with the rest of him" and changed the subject.

I wouldn't think anything was going on with her; I'd think she simply made an ill-judged comment.

rolledhedgehog · 24/10/2008 18:31

Someone told me recently that DS1 had a really long face. She paused half-way through as she realised it could be thought of as rude. She is a nice woman so I took it in my stride (and rushed home to examine his recent school photo for resemblance to a horse .

I would ignore the comment personally.

MrsWeasleySupportsVoldemort · 24/10/2008 18:34

Tell her "at least he hasnt got a BIG mouth, unlike some"

Sounds like she is jealous

Pip51 · 24/10/2008 20:03

When my son was about 4 yrs old a largely built neighbour constantly told him he was too thin and boney. One day he just turned to her and said " you're fat". She never mentioned it again.

Original poster

N8sofie · 24/10/2008 22:33

thank you all for your replies on this. I wanted to say something about 'Kates' comment to DS1 before he went to bed just now but I am not sure how to word it for the best. I can tell him he is perfect, no problem...

But what should I say about Kate being rude, what i am trying to say is that DS will probably come across comments like this in the future and i want him to know how to handle it.

OP posts:

umberellascankill · 24/10/2008 22:37

Poor DS, what a horrid woman! To be honest, I would try and make light of it to try and ensure he doesn't develop a complex about it.

jasper · 24/10/2008 23:24

Does he actually have a small head? if so, so what? Heads and everything else come in all shapes and sizes.

Would it have bothered you if she had commented on his tiny feet ?

If his head is smaller than most it might be a good idea to acknowledge this, then
dismiss it as irrelevant.

Are you concerned people might make an association between small head / small brain?

There is NO such association.

My friend jokingly says she chose her husband on the basis of his small head ( it is remarkably small) as she figured pushing babies out would be easier.

He is one of the brainiest blokes I know.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 24/10/2008 23:28

My DH has a small head, and I've often joked this was the reason why I married him (and why my longest labour was 4h40) I've also got a small head, which houses a more than adequate brain
I'd have said "Oh, I know- I'm sooo glad he isn't one of those kids with BIG heads! I feel so sorry for them, they look so odd"

jasper · 24/10/2008 23:31

I would not assume she was being nasty.

Some people just blurt out what they see.

Original poster

N8sofie · 25/10/2008 00:00

Thanks jasper amd Jooly. Yes he does have a small head. I know that small head does not equal small brain. But i do feel angry at Kate for him. You see, he has been under Great Ormond Street Hosp since a baby as he was born with cleft lip and palate which is hardly noticeable at all now. Has never been a great eater.

He probably needs to hear me (in a role model way)give some of your type of replies, like 'it houses a more than adequate brain', or 'that sounded rude-was it meant to be'? Unfortunately I do think she was being nasty. Of course I can give her a wide birth from now on...

OP posts:

VeronicaMars · 25/10/2008 00:13

I just think she's rude. Probably the type of person who has no real friends because she offends them a lot.
As for your son, could you ask him if Kate upset him today, just in a casual way. If she did annoy him then you could go from there.
Some people just don't have a clue, not even grown ups.

SylvieSprings · 25/10/2008 01:01

Say to your son, that he is the perfect image of you/your DH, beautifully & wonderfully made.

Someone once said, 'if you don't perceive injury, you don't get hurt'. Give ''Kate'' the benefit of the doubt.

Although you cannot control the thoughts/words/actions of others, you can control your own. And your DS can learn that from you.

Alexa808 · 25/10/2008 03:17

Can only second other ladies' opinions, Kate might just be one of those people that blurt out whatever comes to mind.

I'd be inclined to say the same as Sylvie above. You are obviously very defensive about your DS and that for a reason. I can totally understand you though.

Cherish your lovely son, tell him we all come in different shapes & sizes and it's the uniqueness (grammar) that makes us special and he is very special to you & gorgeous as he is and you're proud to be his Mummy.

Always think:

Never attribute to malice that which can be attributed to stupidity.

Alexa808 · 25/10/2008 03:18

Am not sure if uniqueness exists as a noun...

Sry.

dizzydo · 25/10/2008 18:46

Alex I love that, very wise

I think she was VERY rude to say such a thing and totally insensitive. I know exactly how you feel sofie because I have had people comment on how young my daughter looks (she is very small for her age). I am always torn between defending her and saying nothing in order not to make a big issue out of it. very difficult

ilovemydog · 25/10/2008 19:02

I really wouldn't waste any energy on this woman. DD was also quite small, and I think I was over sensitive. Do you really care about what this woman thinks? As long as DS is OK and not offended, just let it go. She sounds very dim

People somehow feel that it's acceptable to comment on other people's children which of course, it isn't, unless to give praise...

lovemuch · 29/10/2008 22:31

My bestfriend is actually very insensitive, she asked me if my baby is ugly when born should she lie? I just said 'why would you say that to a new moter anyway?' She said nothing and also to my friend who showed her a picture of her neice she said 'looks like an alien.' She was a premature baby, I honestly thought she was adorable and even if I didn't in my wildest dreams I would never say such a horrible thing. I told her she was out of order and she made out like I was being stupid, but I think deep down she knew how she'd feel have some1 said the same about her daughter. Anyway, the way I deal with my friends thoughtlessness at times is to just give it back and although it is tempting I would never comment on her child as it's not her fault her mother can be too harsh. I say give it back what I mean is I return her honesty and I don't mind telling her her hair looks greasy or she has a spot etc (I wouldn't with anybody else) she does get a little annoyed at times but she is the first to pass public judgement on others and it's the only way it seems to make her see how she is at times. I think it's good you didn't make a big deal of it for your ds, but if it really is bugging you maybe you should have a quiet word in her ear about your concerns about her comments upsetting your ds and how odd you find it that she felt so compelled to tell you your ds's head is small. If she's like my friend you may get a response full of defensive attitude so maybe just ignore or do what I do and make an issue of her bad hair day...after all she obviously thinks honesty is the best policy.

Original poster

N8sofie · 29/10/2008 23:09

Thank you lovemuch, had your friend had DC before she made the unfunny/immature comment about your baby? I'm looking for excuses for her..! But then she's still making 'honest' remarks isn't she. You sound like you handle her well.

What upset me so much about Kates comment re my DS's head was that he was there and he nudged me when she was saying it. Only I didn't say anything.

I do not care about what she thinks of my son. I care that he heard her say that and and my lack of response on his behalf at the time...

Kate actually brags about her own children, so that added to me being stunned.
Dizzydo, i know exactly what you mean...
Thank you everybody you have all calmed me down, really!

OP posts:

Dottoressa · 29/10/2008 23:16

I think I'd have said: "My DS has got the most perfect face in the universe!" (because he has, of course).

I get the opposite with my gigantic DD, who is the same size as DS (who's two years older).

"Kate" is a plonker of the first order!

It all reminds me of an exchange I heard at school far too long ago.

Bitchy girl to tiny classmate: "I like standing next to you because it makes me feel tall."

Tiny classmate to bitchy girl: "I like standing next to you because it makes me feel pretty."

Bitchy girl left her alone after that!

daisy99malign · 29/10/2008 23:20

I know that feeling when you fear you have let your DS down, but perhaps his elbowing you was bemusement at the weird way that Kate cupped his head in her hands?

you could ask him? I like the "malice/ stupidity" concept from Alexa

Original poster

N8sofie · 29/10/2008 23:29

Dotteressa, excellent, wish I had been so spontaneous. Still, I have learnt from this one... Yep, my 7 year old DS is big beside DS1.

I can understand malice-stupidity one, but I have naturally thought like that in the past, and therefore not seen malice when it really is malice iyswim? So I don't liek to make excuses too quickly now.

Daisy, thank you, I am hoping my DS was bemused now with the elbow nudging.

OP posts:

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