So am I in a relationship or not?

[ConstanceWearing]

Dp always seemed to get a bit distant when I had a drink. I am very sociable, but not flirty. I just like looking inside people's heads, and I mostly speak to women because I feel more comfortable with them.

Last month on holiday he took a million pictures and videos of me whilst drunk. His tone on the videos was very sneering. He dumped me on holiday because we had a disagreement about how voluble I am when I am drunk, even though I am not offensive or rude. Just loud.

At a party last week, I said something to a couple which caused a row between them. It was purely unintentional, and the cause of the row was because the man misunderstood me, not because I had said something wrong.

DP said I have a really nasty streak when I'm drunk. I do not. At all. I am loud and very silly with my girlfriends when drunk, but I would never hurt anyone's feelings on purpose, ever. Drunk or sober.

I cried because I really couldn't believe he would say that about me when he KNOWS it's not true. Trying to defend myself, he lost his temper and told me to get out of his house, simply because I wouldn't agree with his pov. I stomped home and refused to get in his car. We split up.

Anyway, afterwards, he was texting me and saying he knew I was lovely and I didn't have a nasty streak at all. But he is sick of me never having any free time, and always having to consider him last because I have 6 kids to consider first. Then he said I really didn't deserve someone as nasty as him and at least if we split up he wouldn't be making me unhappy anymore.

Is it just me, or does anyone else hear alarm bells? He is still calling and texting me every day, and doesn't seem to want to split up at all. I am entirely confused, because he doesn't ask to get back together either. He just says "why would you want to be with someone like me?"

I don't know where to go from here at all, so would appreciate your help please, ladies.

Of course your children come first if he can't accept that then I personally wouldn't want a relationship with him.

He sounds like he wants to control you - be very wary!

You haven't said what you want or how you feel?

sounds like hard work

do you love him ?

if not, I would kick him to the kerb

blowing hot and cold is bloody annoying

if you get in any deeper, you might find yourself walking on eggshells around his "moods" and his "needs"

if you do want to continue the relationship, and you think he is worth it, I think you need to sort a lot of hings out

*things

I'm not sure either about the relationship, but I think you do need to ask yourself are you sure that you are a pleasant drunk ? I have some lovely friends that I will deliberately avoid meeting in the evening or at any occasion where they are likely to drink because they turn into a complete nightmare. Perhaps you are that person and no one except your DP has ever told you. The photos and videos seem a bit of a childish way to do it though.

wanting to get out of a relationship because he feels it will make your life better is a coward's way of saying he wants out.

I can see he is blowing hot and cold, but on the other hand have you considered that your behaviour when drunk may be just plain embarrassing for him? You might think it is all harmless good fun, but to other people it might be cringe-making. That's the problem getting drunk- your judgement goes haywire.
Sorry- don't mean to preach and cannot think of any way to tone this down, but getting drunk and being "loud" is pretty immature and not good for your health. sorry

Oh, do you know girls, after my divorce I have no clue what love is any more. And if it's what I felt for my XH, then I never want to feel that vulnerable again. So maybe I don't love him.

But he is very kind to me and I am very kind to him and we get along really well. Generally speaking he is very laid back. It's just that, when I have a drink, he goes very quiet. He stopped drinking himself because he used to get into fights when he was drunk. I don't know if he was projecting his aggression onto me, but I really don't have an aggressive or unkind streak that ever comes out in public, so he really ought not to put his traits on to me.

Then when I got upset with him, he backed right down and said the problem was with him instead. That's not what he starting off saying at all. How do you compromise with a shape-shifter like that?

it seems obvious to me- he is not drinking because a) he has had bad experiences with it and b) he maybe thinks if he doesn't drink, then you won't either. Could that not be his way of saying "I don't like you drinking"? I am not surprised he goes quiet when you drink- he must be worried about what spectacle you are making of yourself!

Have you never asked if you behaviour is just plain embarrassing?

It seems to me that he does care, but that he cannot cope with your highs and lows induced by alcohol. LISTEN - 2 of us are saying this and you don't appear to accept it.

Yes, I have considered all that girls. And if he can't stand the shame he can bugger off. He says he wants everyone to see me the way that he sees me. He doesn't want people to think I am this that and the other when he knows I am the most amazing person in the world (sober, clearly ).

I think you may be right. He probably wants out and doesn't want to say it.

Please don't think me obnoxious, but I'd rather have fun with my girlfriends than bow down to the 'arm candy' notion of what a girlfriend should be.

Grief, I sound like a cow. Maybe I am very stubborn on the subject. I'm just so afraid of becoming a man-made puppet again after XH.

sorry- but you don't seem ready for a relationship that is not entirely on your terms.

I can't see how considering HIS feelings is being "arm candy".

Can't you see that what he is saying in simple terms is "I want everyone to see you as I do, cos you are great- I don't want them to see you as some drunken idiot who embarrasses me."

If you have more fun with your friends, then go out with them, but do you need to think about whether you cannot compromise in a relationship if it is ever going to work?

You don't seem to care about him at all- just you and what you enjoy and want to do, regardless.

Okay, I will try a little self-control and drink less. Not stop drinking, but stop before it gets embarrassing. Thing is, if he was doing the same stuff (e.g. talking jovially to a stranger at the bar) I wouldn't find it embarrassing at all, so I don't really undertand where he's coming from.

Oh, honestfriend, I hope that isn't true. I do care about him very much. But I am very sincerely afraid of losing my spirit again like I did with XH. I hated myself when I was with him and I disappeared trying to be everything he wanted me to be.

I appreciate your take, that I am being overly stubborn though.

Basically two separate issues here.
firstly: is your DP a controlling arse? I would say yes. His behaviour doesn;t sound like the behaviour of someone who is honestly concerned about a partner's drinking, more about someone who wants an obedient partner (though it's true that there is no self-righteous nob like the reformed alcoholic with attitude)

Secondly: whether or not you have a drink problem. DO your other friends ever suggest that you drink too much or behave like a prat when drunk? If several of them have said so then maybe there's something you need to address, if no one else has ever suggested that it might be time for a nice cup of tea instead then there's probably nothing wrong with you at all.

Why don't you try being sociable and fun WITHOUT the drink?

Your self-worth and identity should not depend on being fuelled by alcohol- it should be deeper than that.

Well, I asked my XH what he thought of me when I was drunk after DP and I had the row, SolidGold. He said I was very 'cordial' when drunk. Most people seem to warm to me (not being bigheaded) but I'm very open and fun and I just like to see who people really are inside (I like to get past the 'I'm fine, how are you' idea of sociability. I want to get to the 'who's inside your head really' person who dwells there). So probably I am intense if you don't know me. But I find it so hard to think I'm embarrassing.

Being embarrassing is, well.... really embarrassing

My self-worth goes much deeper than that. i am always sociable. In fact, it's only because I do know who I am (I think) that I can safely say I'm not too awful when I'm pissed.

at risk of sounding prissy you could do with some help to be cordial without the drink inside you.

And also accept that not everyone wants you to get inside their heads- they might be happier with talking about the weather.

There is a time and place for everything- parties and bars are not always the right places for getting into deep discussions or getting people to open up.

I am sure you are lovely- but if I met you at a bar and you were "cordial" I think i'd run a mile for some peace

I have never never had another partner who objected to me when I was drunk. There again, maybe I am not the same person after XH, so I may be a different drunk now to who I was in the past.

are you very young? your behaviour sounds teenage!

you are probably right, HF. lol

No, I'm very old. My behaviour is probably strange though. It comes of being stuck indoors for 18 years when I raised the children, I think. So when I do go out, I really want to know that I have been out - and I try to make super-connections with people, rather than just being polite.

I've been stuck indoors if you call it that for longer- centuries in fact it seems.

Maybe you need to look at yourself from the outside as if you were a fly on the wall and think "Is that behaviour comfortable to be with, or not?"

If your behaviour hurts this guy, then stop if you want to keep him, as his attitude seems reasonable to me. Not the videos etc- but maybe he felt he was desperate and HAD to get through to you somehow?

Yes, I think he does feel like a bystander rather than a partner when we are out, Dittany. But I never flirt or chat up other men, so that can't be his concern. If I am playing pool with him and laughing that is fine, but if I am dancing with my friend (his lodger) it is not fine and he goes and sits on his own.

I feel comfortable with most behaviour from other people (unless it is cruel or dangerous or coarse). I try not to judge anything as bad, just quirky, until I can see from repeated behaviours that perhaps a person means ill after all. I don't see my behaviour as embarrassing, but then I wouldn't see it as embarrassing if someone were doing the same in front of me either.

Do you think perhaps we are just a mismatch?

I'm going to be gutted if it turns out that I am a total cow.