What the hell is wrong with my family? Or am i just oversensitive?

[largeginandtonic]

This may go on a bit, apologies in advance.

I broke up with my ex and father of 5 of my children almost 3 years ago. He was shagging the student (sisters friend) that was staying with us. I knew things were not right between us and made the desicion to leave.

I sat the girl down and told her to leave the house for a few ays as i needed to tell my ex it was over. She (being naive and quite stupid) decided to tell me this was great news as she was veryfond of him and had been sleeping with him for the past 5 months

I went quiet (like you do) and she prattled on thinking i was ok with it all.

So i left, things were strained to say the least. I maintained a normal life to the children and we both explained that we were breaking up etc... they know nothing about why.

He was awful for a year, no child maintenance and refusing to have the children as he 'needed to get his ducks in a row'

I met the man of my dreams > and we married 6 months later. Ex ended up texting one day that he had grown closer to said girl and they were now in a relationship. He denied the affair btw.

So we have all moved on, i am not one to bear grudges and knew that to maintain a healthy relationship between children and father i had to bury it. I do not like him or her but i am civil and chatty for peace sake.

Now my parents and younger brother and sister during this time have been butting in a bit. We have had a few incidences where i have learned they have been over to his house (mostly to see the children) and 'bumped' in to each other on nights out...

My parents are looking after their dog when they go away on a regular basis and did so when they recently got married.

I have just discovered the girl is pregnant, ovely news the kids will be pleased. However my sister clearly knew before and has just been out for the day with the girl, they went for lunch and on to a wedding fair.

My sister is getting married next Summer. My husband cant come, he will be at sea. I am Matron of Honour and will have no one to watch the children while i help her out on the day. I explained this to my sister and said i was a bit worried hoping she would say bring a friend in his place to watch the kids. But NOOOOO she said (a little too quickly)

"oh well i could invite ex and wife, they could help you out?"

Cue stunned silence form me. I get the feeling that she is desperate to invite them but knows it may upset me (of course it bloody would) and saw this as a perfect opportunity.

I have had a few discussions in the past with my folks about how i feel uncomfortable about them talking to ex etc... they have just brushed it off as it is all for the children blah, blah. My mother will get edgy and noticably feel uncomfortable when she tells me she has seen them or had the dog for them so she does know it upsets me.

Am i imagining things?

If the situation was reversed i am damn sure i would make said ex feel pretty bloody awful for what he had done to my sister\brother etc... I would NOT be chatting over lunch and going to fecking wedding fairs.

We moved away btw so are not near to any of them.

tell your mum firmly you will only come if you have a friend (of your choosing) to help you and that if its an issue of money that you will ask your ExH to split the cost of the meal for your plus one with you .

In any event, IMVHO it isn't reasonable to invite your sister and her DH to your wedding and because her DH is away at the time not give her the option of bringing someone else. Even if you take out the issue of small children/babies and OW.

No I don;t think you are being unreasonable to want her to ring you and apologise but I think you are probably being unreasonable to expect it.

LG&T

No idea yr ex is such an arse.
This is your sister Not allowed a plus one, her Matron of Honour, to look after her nieces and nephews?
I know people who prefer to see the world as they'd like it so much so that they will refashion history and relationships to fit the ideal they have, iykwim. Sounds to me that's what your family are doing and I don't care how long ago, how it's better for the children... yadda yadda, yes, you try to be reasonable but what happened was hurtful on such an scale and the people who should still support you and be aware & considerate of your feelings are your immediate family.

You can't change them, but you shouldn't let them bully you into accepting yr ex & his wife as help if you don't want it.

Here, have a new helmet with sharp spike, and a pair of take-no-shit-hobnailed-boots. If there's a-going to be stampin' of feet, get ready to stamp harder...

I called wailed for you earlier in the thread

I think she will do her best to ignore me tbh until it becomes ridiculous or my mother slaps her [hopeful]

I did manage to sleep last night without the whole sorry tale whizzing round my head.

I like things resolved, i hate this namby pamby approach to it all. I need CLOSURE.

You know that scene in friends (v early friends) where Rachel says to Monica "oh i'm sorry did my back hurt your knife?"

Well it feels like that.

I think not allowing a plus 1 is odd, esp as your husband would have been invited if he were able to come, and she's talking about inviting your ex and his wife.
Does your sister know she has to phone you to apologise though? Does she realise going out with her friend, your ex and her nephews and nieces is an awful crime she must atone for?
I think she's being unreasonable in not allowing you to bring a friend but you are unrealistic in expecting her to apologise for her choosing her friends.
If you really wanted your family to cut your ex and his wife out of their lives you should have said so 3 years ago. Why has all this come to a head now? I presume they've all been seeing each other for 3 years.
My ex and by brother send each other xmas cards and my ex sends presents for his kids.
If they met up and went out for the day it wouldn't bother me.

I suspect that because you are now remarried and happy they assume that you are over it all. They need reminding that just because you were lucky enough to find a good man this time, it doesn't negate the fact that this wasn't what you visualised when you were with your X and had a family with him. HE chose to betray you AND YOUR CHILDREN. And whilst you are polite and civil because of the children, it does not mean that you forgive or forget what he and she put you and the children through at the time. Remind them what an arse he was.

Nice to see you 2REBECCA >

They have been seeing each other on and off as far as i am aware for the last 2 and ahalf years, it has always been a bone of contention and i have stated my unhappiness with it before.

As far as i was aware they were merely visits to see the children when they stayed with ex and occasional 'bump' in to them on nights out.

This is all a bit different i think, weddings and weekends away, days out to lunch and wedding fayres.

You're not being over-sensitive btw, you are rightly sensitive & no bloody wonder. Your family seem to have little regard for your feelings.

You could try telling her sister:
-you're happy with yr new h & you're not raking it all up and making yrself miserable for the sake of it.
-families have to get on & she can be friends with whomever she likes. I couldn't be friendly with s/one if it were my sister/brother but you can't change how your sister is
-but when you are involved e.g. the wedding, there's a line you can't go over.

Stick yer chin out.
Oh and you can holler for me on the German threads in the Living Overseas topic, tend to be there more regularly.
And I think it's lovely the way you found your new h & are so happy with him after all the shite.

Quite in to soppy emotions atm Tis all the baby hormones

She will have to speak to me at some point, she is just hiding i think. Hope she is worrying.

Oh, yes, hopefully she is.
Don't make the next move.
Eat choc and be resolute and calm.

And keep helmet handy.