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Original poster

What the hell is wrong with my family? Or am i just oversensitive?

134 replies

largeginandtonic · 01/10/2008 10:36

This may go on a bit, apologies in advance.

I broke up with my ex and father of 5 of my children almost 3 years ago. He was shagging the student (sisters friend) that was staying with us. I knew things were not right between us and made the desicion to leave.

I sat the girl down and told her to leave the house for a few ays as i needed to tell my ex it was over. She (being naive and quite stupid) decided to tell me this was great news as she was veryfond of him and had been sleeping with him for the past 5 months

I went quiet (like you do) and she prattled on thinking i was ok with it all.

So i left, things were strained to say the least. I maintained a normal life to the children and we both explained that we were breaking up etc... they know nothing about why.

He was awful for a year, no child maintenance and refusing to have the children as he 'needed to get his ducks in a row'

I met the man of my dreams > and we married 6 months later. Ex ended up texting one day that he had grown closer to said girl and they were now in a relationship. He denied the affair btw.

So we have all moved on, i am not one to bear grudges and knew that to maintain a healthy relationship between children and father i had to bury it. I do not like him or her but i am civil and chatty for peace sake.

Now my parents and younger brother and sister during this time have been butting in a bit. We have had a few incidences where i have learned they have been over to his house (mostly to see the children) and 'bumped' in to each other on nights out...

My parents are looking after their dog when they go away on a regular basis and did so when they recently got married.

I have just discovered the girl is pregnant, ovely news the kids will be pleased. However my sister clearly knew before and has just been out for the day with the girl, they went for lunch and on to a wedding fair.

My sister is getting married next Summer. My husband cant come, he will be at sea. I am Matron of Honour and will have no one to watch the children while i help her out on the day. I explained this to my sister and said i was a bit worried hoping she would say bring a friend in his place to watch the kids. But NOOOOO she said (a little too quickly)

"oh well i could invite ex and wife, they could help you out?"

Cue stunned silence form me. I get the feeling that she is desperate to invite them but knows it may upset me (of course it bloody would) and saw this as a perfect opportunity.

I have had a few discussions in the past with my folks about how i feel uncomfortable about them talking to ex etc... they have just brushed it off as it is all for the children blah, blah. My mother will get edgy and noticably feel uncomfortable when she tells me she has seen them or had the dog for them so she does know it upsets me.

Am i imagining things?

If the situation was reversed i am damn sure i would make said ex feel pretty bloody awful for what he had done to my sister\brother etc... I would NOT be chatting over lunch and going to fecking wedding fairs.

We moved away btw so are not near to any of them.

OP posts:
edam · 01/10/2008 19:04

your family are being crap. I would be furious! Let them have it with both barrels.

Mumi · 01/10/2008 19:28

Very unloyal of them. Would be time to cut said relatives out of life for me. I know this isn't AIBU, but YANBU!

2rebecca · 01/10/2008 22:11

I thought you had remarried? To be honest if my husband made this much fuss about his ex coming to something I would wonder why he had married me if he wasn't over her yet.
If you don't want your ex at the wedding say so, but you shouldn't be trying to control who your sister is friends with. Why did you have some girl staying with you for 5 months anyway? Affairs don't usually arise out of the blue, usually both parties have grown emotionally apart first and trying to portray one party as an "innocent poor me" and the other as "evil baddie" is rarely truthful.
Some of my relatives are still friends with my ex, that's fine by me as he's the father of my kids and I am happy in my current marriage. I think once you've remarried who slept with who to cause the break up of the first marriage should be irrelevent. The marriage is finished, you move on.
I hope you kicked the girl out of the house the moment she told you she was sleeping with your husband though.
I would have been fuming at the time, but if you remarry you have to stop the embittered crap.

TheGreatScootini · 01/10/2008 22:23

I think your sister and parents a little odd for maintaining close, Dog walking type relationships with exp and his now wife, given that they know what happened.You have behaved admirably throughout and maintained a working relationship with him for the sake of the kids.Thats what they should ve done, but not more than that out of loyalty to you IMO.

I would be upset about this.Also that your sister didnt suggest just bringing a friend (ie me ) to the wedding to help with the kids and make sure you look quite a bit more fabulous than exp's new wife (if they have to go then, if it were me, and granted I am shallow as you know , then it would be imperative that I looked far better than her, wether I were happily remarried to a sexy sailor or not )

Oh hon..nothings ever easy is it? love to you..

charleymouse · 02/10/2008 11:49

LG&T did not bump last night as Scoot did it for you but will blatantly bump for you now.

P'raps you could print out this thread and rub your sisters nose in it show it your sis.

WinkyWinkola · 02/10/2008 11:56

If my friend slept with my sister's partner, the father of my nieces and nephews, that friend would get a boot in the pants, a poke in the eye with a charred stick and shown the door PDQ.

Your family is weird. Where is their loyalty to you? Does it exist? I'm amazed.

I would not be even in the same room as this girl and your ex. Ever.

Can your mum not help you with your kids at the wedding?

You've swallowed this whole thing pretty stoically but I think a rant and rage is probably long overdue. I know you're trying to protect your children but that doesn't mean you can't get indignant and have some sensitivity for your feelings from other people once in a while.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 02/10/2008 12:20

Thank you everyone

Winky my mother offered half heartedly to help but agreed taking someone would be better. They wouldnt want to put themselves out for the day as it is their dd getting married.

I can see that side, they want to get falling over drunk in the evening and enjoy the day. So do i but the children are more important obviously.

I am building up to a lengthy chat, wish they were nearer so i could do it sooner.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 02/10/2008 18:13

Can't the children just be around you on the day of the wedding?
At my second wedding our kids were with us on the day and were part of the celebrations. The youngest must be at least 3 so won't there be enough relatives around to help look after the kids?
There isn't much to being head bridesmaid normally.
Can't you just take some games for the kids to play with whilst you're helping bride get ready and get their granny to supervise them during the ceremony? That's how I'd have played it.
Different at a friend's wedding but there should be loads of folk to help with your kids at a family wedding.

ShowOfHands · 02/10/2008 19:23

2rebecca, if the wedding's next summer, the youngest will be 6 months old maximum and the next one up will be around 2 depending on when the wedding is. I think the DTs (especially J) will be a great help at encouraging them to carry out impromptu science experiments looking after the older younger ones (iygwim) but B and BabyD will definitely need somebody sober and responsible. In fact, somebody should watch ds4 while they're at it or he'll be playing frisbee with the cake. Now, which teetotal friend could you rely on for the day? Hmm... I wonder.

AprilMeadow · 02/10/2008 19:47

SOH, love the science experiment comment! I can see it now

LG&T, i hope that you can make your family see sense - perhaps things would be a bit easier if N was going to be around. Well you know you have a list an arms lenght long to be your friend for the day xx

2rebecca · 02/10/2008 20:30

You said you had 5 kids from your exhusband over 3 years ago. Hadn't realised you'd gone on to have more so presumed the youngest would probably be school age.
I'm not a mindreader.

ShowOfHands · 02/10/2008 21:16

Don't expect you to be a mindreader 2rebecca. LG&T has said on this thread that she has a 15 month old and is currently pg. Was just pointing out why she needed help.

solidgoldbrass · 02/10/2008 21:24

Bit if the marriage broke up several years ago (which it must have done if you have a 15-month old with your new DH) then isn't it maybe time to have got over the fact and be able to maintain a civil relationship with your XP and his new DP? You are happily remarried, he is happily remarried, you can cope with seeing each other for the sake of the children, so why should he be banished from having any contact with your family? When a couple has split and both happily remarried (or at least re-partnered) one thing it suggests is that the original relationship was either not right in the first place or had run its course.

ShowOfHands · 02/10/2008 21:35

But surely there's a difference between maintaining a civil relationship and the OW being the designated woman to help you out on the day of your sister's wedding? Regardless of how happy LG&T is now (and she should be, her dh is extremely pretty and lovely underneath his hard man facade), I wonder where her family's loyalty to her feelings is. That's the real issue.

Janos · 02/10/2008 21:44

I don't think it's OTT or unreasonable to expect a bit of loyalty and sensitivity from your sister in this kind of situation.

If my sis did this I'd be pretty hurt and angry too.

MKG · 02/10/2008 23:38

I think the thing to keep in mind is that it isn't just that her ex has a new wife (I don't think LG&T would mind him bringing a new wife as she herself has remarried). It's the fact that the new wife is the "other woman" and that her sister still remains close to her.

solidgoldbrass · 02/10/2008 23:57

Well presumably the new wife knows the DC and spends time with them as LG&T's XP must have regular contact with them - it's not like she's a stranger.
I just think that, given LG&T is happy with her life now, why continue to hold on to a grudge?

Kewcumber · 03/10/2008 00:40

LG&T - pmsl at the idea that your husband of 10 years has an affair with your sisters best friend, leaves you with no money and doesn't see the children for a year. But three years later wanting to bring your own guest to your sisters wedding (which your DH is unable to attend) rather than rely on said other woman for help all day is "holding a grudge"?!

I wouldn't have been holding a grudge, I've have been holding his bollocks.

AprilMeadow · 03/10/2008 09:12

I think there are a lot of posters that are making comments without actually thinking about what it would be like if they were in LG&T's shoes.

I would love to see how you all cope with 6 kids and 1 on the way plus having your new dh away for long periods of time plus having to run the house and deal with a complete arse of an ex.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 03/10/2008 10:02

and pmsl too Kew...

I have moved on, i do not hold a grudge. I maintain a fantastic relationship with ex and his new wife despite their dispicable actions 3 years ago.

I know this is important for the children and my sanity, hate brings you down, it is not a healthy emotion to have and certainly not to maintain for such a long period of time.

I do not wish them ill, i have congratulated them on their recent marriage and the news they are expecting.

I just simply want my family to acknowledge that he was a tit and she was a thoughtless, silly girl and although i do all this (and believe me it is hard work when my dh is champing at the bit to tell exp excactly what he thinks of him) i do it because i am the childrens mother, it is my responsibility to make sure they are safe and well and protected.

I do not ask for help, i just get on and do it.

If someone hurt my family so dreadfully i would find it very hard to move past it and could never fully trust that person again. How do they?

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 03/10/2008 10:10

"How do they?" because sometimes people are just pants. They don't mean to be, they think your civility means that its all fine and they can have their cake and eat it too. I suspect if the OW had not been your sisters friend that it would all be very different but they are allowing themselves to minimise the pain it caused you because its easier.

I don;t think you need to cry personally (but then not much of a cryer) but I do think you need to repeatedly explain how devastated you were and how their keenenss to pretend the pain didn't/doesn't exists causes you MORE pain than if they were just to acknowledge that and try to be tactful.

Kewcumber · 03/10/2008 10:12

if my BIL cheated on my sister and ignoed her and her lovely childrne for a year I would rip his arms off and feed them too him. Any relationship I had with him in future would be driven by what my sister wanted.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 03/10/2008 10:17

Thanks Kew I just looked at your profile to see recent pics of your gorgeous ds and that is not what i saw Are you ok? DS is still soooo sweet, i could eat him.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 03/10/2008 17:17

for recent pics see this ...www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/616363-this-is-a-nice-thread-just-a-straightforward-aren-t

Kewcumber · 03/10/2008 17:20

fro dramatic story of past couple of weeks see here www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=general_health&threadid=610294-kewcumber-s-been-in-hospital-her-blood-i sn-t-clotting#12436104

Storm in a teacup really - being treated as an outpatient now and hopefully in the mend.