What the hell is wrong with my family? Or am i just oversensitive?

[largeginandtonic]

This may go on a bit, apologies in advance.

I broke up with my ex and father of 5 of my children almost 3 years ago. He was shagging the student (sisters friend) that was staying with us. I knew things were not right between us and made the desicion to leave.

I sat the girl down and told her to leave the house for a few ays as i needed to tell my ex it was over. She (being naive and quite stupid) decided to tell me this was great news as she was veryfond of him and had been sleeping with him for the past 5 months

I went quiet (like you do) and she prattled on thinking i was ok with it all.

So i left, things were strained to say the least. I maintained a normal life to the children and we both explained that we were breaking up etc... they know nothing about why.

He was awful for a year, no child maintenance and refusing to have the children as he 'needed to get his ducks in a row'

I met the man of my dreams > and we married 6 months later. Ex ended up texting one day that he had grown closer to said girl and they were now in a relationship. He denied the affair btw.

So we have all moved on, i am not one to bear grudges and knew that to maintain a healthy relationship between children and father i had to bury it. I do not like him or her but i am civil and chatty for peace sake.

Now my parents and younger brother and sister during this time have been butting in a bit. We have had a few incidences where i have learned they have been over to his house (mostly to see the children) and 'bumped' in to each other on nights out...

My parents are looking after their dog when they go away on a regular basis and did so when they recently got married.

I have just discovered the girl is pregnant, ovely news the kids will be pleased. However my sister clearly knew before and has just been out for the day with the girl, they went for lunch and on to a wedding fair.

My sister is getting married next Summer. My husband cant come, he will be at sea. I am Matron of Honour and will have no one to watch the children while i help her out on the day. I explained this to my sister and said i was a bit worried hoping she would say bring a friend in his place to watch the kids. But NOOOOO she said (a little too quickly)

"oh well i could invite ex and wife, they could help you out?"

Cue stunned silence form me. I get the feeling that she is desperate to invite them but knows it may upset me (of course it bloody would) and saw this as a perfect opportunity.

I have had a few discussions in the past with my folks about how i feel uncomfortable about them talking to ex etc... they have just brushed it off as it is all for the children blah, blah. My mother will get edgy and noticably feel uncomfortable when she tells me she has seen them or had the dog for them so she does know it upsets me.

Am i imagining things?

If the situation was reversed i am damn sure i would make said ex feel pretty bloody awful for what he had done to my sister\brother etc... I would NOT be chatting over lunch and going to fecking wedding fairs.

We moved away btw so are not near to any of them.

fro dramatic story of past couple of weeks see here www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=general_health&threadid=610294-kewcumber-s-been-in-hospital-her-blood-i sn-t-clotting#12436104

Storm in a teacup really - being treated as an outpatient now and hopefully in the mend.

Sorry Kew went away for the weekend. You poor thing! It looks terrible, hope you were not in too much pain with it.

Dramatic turn of events.....

Well not really, just more of the same. Whe i dropped the dc off for their weekend of fun in a popular theme park who should be accompanying them????

Oh yes, she did

I had to bury myself in the 15mth old ds and flee for fear of bursting in to tears in front of the children.

I had no idea she was going and can't believe it still. A jolly weekend away with my x and his new wife.

Am too upset to make any kind of call and am not really sure i want to tbh.

Now is this normal behaviour on her part? Am i totally oversensitive?

She absoloutely knew i would be very unhappy with it. Probably why she didnt tell me she was going. My parents clearly knew too, i spoke to my mother on Friday eve as she was wittering on about missed calls from x and she thought they wanted her to have the dog as she knew they were away this weekend. I told her they must have a back up plan and to not answer her phone if she felt she couldnt say "NO" to them directly.

I don't know if she did or not. I don't want to talk to anyone

Are you really wanting to lose contact with your sister over this? I suspect this is what will happen if you try and tell her who she should and should not see.
Yes, in an ideal world she wouldn't be friends with your ex, but he married a good friend of hers. Good friends aren't easy to come by. I agree sleeping with your friend's sister's husband doesn't sound a friendly gesture, but what was she doing in your house and was your relationship on the rocks anyway?
We often have more in common with our friends than our relatives and the bond between your sister and her friend was maybe stronger than the bond between your sister and you.
I do worry about your current marriage if seeing your sister enjoying herself with your ex hurts that much.
Your sister was also spending time with her nephews and neices.
You do sound as though you want to control your family and make them cut off ties with your ex whether they want to or not.
Either you've moved on from this or you haven't.
If you are happy in your new marriage you really shouldn't care about your ex and his wife.
If you wanted your family to behave coolly to your ex you should have said so years ago. Starting to make a fuss 3 years down the line sounds odd. Are you depressed? You sound as though your life is all young kids and pregnancies and you maybe don't give yourself much time for yourself.
Do you and husband need time away? You've barely mentioned him, all your emotions sound aimed at your ex, his wife and your sister.

Thanks for those helpful words. I am not depressed. My dh is fantastic and i am more than happy with my marriage.

The girl was not a 'good' friend of my sister, just a friend. She was my friend too and moved in with us as she needed a place to stay. She was a student and helped out with the babysitting sometimes. I was glad to have company in the house as my ex worked alot.

I have said before i am not bitter and don't begrudge ex and his new wife having a lovely life together, indeed i think it is a good thing as when the children go to stay they are very happy.

I am upset that my family do not seem to care that i may have been hurt by their actions. They are more concerned with themselves than how i may feel.

Of course i do not want to lose contact with any of them.

The woman does sound as though she betrayed your hospitality in that case.
Although if my sister in law left my brother for another man I would like to think that 3 years down the line if my brother had remarried and was happy in his new relationship that he wouldn't mind if I went to a park with his ex, her new man and my nephews.
This doesn't reflect on my relationship with my brother. I love my brother. I do however also like my sister in law alot, and I don't believe I'd stop liking her if she and my brother got divorced.
I probably wouldn't see her much after the divorce, particularly if my brother had been hurt by it. I would however like to think he wouldn't insist on me cutting off all ties with her. I'm sure my sister and parents feel the same as they like her too.
Sometimes nice people do nasty things.
If I saw my sister in law it wouldn't mean I didn't care that she had hurt my brother, it would mean that I thought she had hurt my brother in the past, but that now he was over it. If he insisted I never socialise with my sister in law ever again I would think less of him, and yes I would think he was still bitter.

How awful for you LG&T, sorry i was away this weekend so have only just seen what happend. Honestly i think your sister is either a) completely dim and just doesnt think or b) is trying to wind you up!

I split with an ex over 10yrs ago after he cheated on me with various sluts girls some that i was friends with. I have been married for 4 yrs, been with dh for 9 and have 2 kids and only in the last 12mths have i really been able to put a lid on it. I was very angry and bitter about the whole thing, mainly as people knew about it and just didnt tell me.

3 years is hardly anytime at all and yes whilst LG&T has re-married and had another child (plus baby d) that doesnt mean that instantly all the wounds are healed. Time is a great healer but it doesnt work over night. Also its not just LG&T who is cross, if you see an earlier post she says how her dh wants to tell ex-twonk what he thinks of him. My ds is 3.6 and it doesnt seem like 5mins ago that he was born.

LG&T when you are feeling ready i think you need to call your sister and tell her how you are feeling. She will either listen to you or not but at least you know that you have said your piece and your feeling are out in the open, rather than letting it eat away at you.

Please let me know when i can come down with tea and cakes xx

You are sweet April

I spoke to my mother yesterday, she phoned. I could tell she was fishing, they didnt have the dog this weekend. Ignored the phone instead.

She started to talk about Christmas and how they may or may not go to my sis as mum is working. I just said i am not really interested tbh. I said my sis has really upset me and i was not able to talk to her at the weekend.

I explained a little how i was feeling and how washed out i was with it all. I was quite brave and mentioned the fact that people just seem to carry on regardless because i do alot of the time. I shrug my shoulders and ride with it as it were, i pointed out that although i am doing this it is no easy task and at great personal strain to myself but i see it as important to maintain a good relationship with ex and new wife.

She listened carfully and could tell i was on the verge of tears (incredibly rare for me) She said the right things and seemed to understand.

Time will tell i suppose.

I do not want to be my sisters Matron of Honour anymore. I am not even sure i want to be at her wedding. She is clearly good friends with this girl despite everything and wants her at the wedding and almost definately at her Hen weekend. I wont be comfortable with it to say the least.

It sounds childish to make her choose so i am not going to make her. She has made her choice anyway, clearly their feelings are more important than mine.

God that sounds so petulant

I think you should write to your sister and tell her how you are feeling about this situation and about your role in the wedding.Then she can decide.I know you dont want to force her into making a choice but please think of yourself here.You will have two very young kids to look after as well as the older ones.You will be in full view of a lot of people.It will be incredibly difficult if all of this is ongoing at the time of the wedding and I dont think you should put yourself through it, especially if your sister cant make any concessions to the fact that her actions are very hurtful to you.
(I think they would be hurtful to anyone, but even if they were just specically hurtfl to you then your sister should, if she values your relationship try to meet you in the middle somewhere)
If I were taking actions that I knew were hurtful to someone else I would stop and think about those actions and try to change that behaviour to stop it hurting the other person.Your sister should do the same.She can still be friends with this woman if she must.But does she have to do it so much in your face and make it hard for you to be part of her life and her wedding?(which she clearly wants you to be a big part of or else she wouldnt have asked you to be her matron of honour)No she does not.

2 rebecca.You are very forgiving.I wonder if you would be as sanguine about this if it were you in this situation?

Large gin and tonic, I unthink you are right to be angry with your family. I would feel the same.
They are supposed to be on your side, yet they think it's okay to befriend the man who cheated on you and the woman he did it with?
Nothing wrong with expecting some loyalty. Tell you sister you will not attend the wedding if they are there. It will be awkward for her, but she needs to know how strongly you feel.
I can only assume that your sis has quite a limited social life to have to hang on to this woman.

Lol...unthink? I mean think of course

LG&T I am wondering if it is your XDH and his new woman with the problem and can not move on. They are clinging to contact with your parents and your sis. For heavens sake there are 365 days in a year and they chose to get married on your birthday. They sound quite hateful IMO. I think the problem lies with them, could they be manipulating your sis/parents to fuel their own inadequacies?

2R I think the hurt after an affair is not so easy to get over as you may anticipate. Even though people move on and get new relationships they can still feel hurt even if the new relationship is happier/better than the one destroyed by the affair. I am still sad that I had to sell my lovely little Ford Fiesta when it conked out even though now I have a lovely much nicer VW. DH remarks every time we buy a new car "shall we get it even though it is not as good as the fiesta"

LG&T I think you need to keep the relationship with your sister as open as you can and explain to her how hurt you feel. Sending you much love and support. CM

Message withdrawn

i don't understand why ex hasn't asked if you would mind if they attend and then respect your wishes...

if none of these people start respecting your feelings, i wouldn't be attending.

they sound like a shower of bastards.

Blinks i bet no one would do this to you

I too am at a loss as to explain it, it's keeping me up at night tbh. I do not want it to turn in to a huge family feud but feel reluctant to let it go this time.

I am hoping my mother will have seen the extent of the damage and may speak to my sis. Although my sister is a defiant little creature and may just sulk.

I don't like writing things down, she may keep it and show the world while stamping her feet.

CM i like the 'they can't move on' stuff, tis true. They have made a point of keeping in contact with all my old friends on the pretence of it being 'for the children'.

They clearly have no friends and a distant family so feel the need to steal mine Well they can BUGGER OFF.

that's the spirit.

Ta Blinks

LG&T - my paretns are divorced I understand the pain that happens and how long it takes to heal even when you move on and become happy again.

Anyone who thinks it is as simople as "moving on" is deluded and tbh lucky for them that they can stay in such blissful state of denial that the pain of divorce causes not just to you but to your children.

I think now you have broken the ice with your mum, don't start getting all stiff upper lip about it. Use this opportnity to build upion how you feel and how completely betrayed you felt by your ex and how bien gmade to revisit that so often by your family makes you want to protect yourself by distancing yourself from your family.

maintianing cordial relations is one thing being hijacked into a jolly weekend with ex and his new wife is ridiculous.

btw - I do think you are right that your sister is friendlier than she admits with this girl which i can see is hurtful for you but sadly you will have to live with that. You can however try to get them to understand that they need to stop assuming you are all bezzie mates.

decide what you want to do about the wedding and hen-night and do it. Tehy will make a hash of it if left for anyone else to decide the right approach.

It is Kew, you are right. I mean what was she thinking, obviously not it turns out.

I have a feeling my mother knows this is the tip of the ice berg and knows this situation is about to blow. I am so pleased thst she has finally seen a glimpse of the damage caused and was actually able to make me feel a bit better and not like i was behaving like some grumpy unreasonable teenager.

I am not sure how anyone could forget some things just hurt too much.

He really was vile for time, threatening me with police as i had taken the childrens beds and furniture when i moved out.He did actually go to the police and have them call me. He refused to sign the car over to me and asked for it back. I recieved no money from him for a year and he still lives in my beautiful house that i helped create as i was not on any paperwork.

I am amazed he has the front to look me in the eye sometimes.

what an asshat

think if you're waiting for acknowledgment from them you'll be waiting forever.

you've drawn your jeremy kyle line in the sand now and quite right too... there's 'doing the right thing' and a door mat and they've obviously mistaken you for the latter.

very very disrespectful

lol at celine dion fist pump.we're all a rootin for you gintonic..are you sure I cant be your plus one at the wedding?Go on.let me at em..

OOh I will be your plus one - if DS can come and play help too.

I am not allowed a plus one...

She may change her tune when she realises how upset i am but i am not holding my breath.

No phone call from her yet, i am i unreasonable in thinking she should phone and apologise r at least see how i am? Probably i suppose.