Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What the hell is wrong with my family? Or am i just oversensitive?

134 replies

largeginandtonic · 01/10/2008 10:36

This may go on a bit, apologies in advance.

I broke up with my ex and father of 5 of my children almost 3 years ago. He was shagging the student (sisters friend) that was staying with us. I knew things were not right between us and made the desicion to leave.

I sat the girl down and told her to leave the house for a few ays as i needed to tell my ex it was over. She (being naive and quite stupid) decided to tell me this was great news as she was veryfond of him and had been sleeping with him for the past 5 months

I went quiet (like you do) and she prattled on thinking i was ok with it all.

So i left, things were strained to say the least. I maintained a normal life to the children and we both explained that we were breaking up etc... they know nothing about why.

He was awful for a year, no child maintenance and refusing to have the children as he 'needed to get his ducks in a row'

I met the man of my dreams > and we married 6 months later. Ex ended up texting one day that he had grown closer to said girl and they were now in a relationship. He denied the affair btw.

So we have all moved on, i am not one to bear grudges and knew that to maintain a healthy relationship between children and father i had to bury it. I do not like him or her but i am civil and chatty for peace sake.

Now my parents and younger brother and sister during this time have been butting in a bit. We have had a few incidences where i have learned they have been over to his house (mostly to see the children) and 'bumped' in to each other on nights out...

My parents are looking after their dog when they go away on a regular basis and did so when they recently got married.

I have just discovered the girl is pregnant, ovely news the kids will be pleased. However my sister clearly knew before and has just been out for the day with the girl, they went for lunch and on to a wedding fair.

My sister is getting married next Summer. My husband cant come, he will be at sea. I am Matron of Honour and will have no one to watch the children while i help her out on the day. I explained this to my sister and said i was a bit worried hoping she would say bring a friend in his place to watch the kids. But NOOOOO she said (a little too quickly)

"oh well i could invite ex and wife, they could help you out?"

Cue stunned silence form me. I get the feeling that she is desperate to invite them but knows it may upset me (of course it bloody would) and saw this as a perfect opportunity.

I have had a few discussions in the past with my folks about how i feel uncomfortable about them talking to ex etc... they have just brushed it off as it is all for the children blah, blah. My mother will get edgy and noticably feel uncomfortable when she tells me she has seen them or had the dog for them so she does know it upsets me.

Am i imagining things?

If the situation was reversed i am damn sure i would make said ex feel pretty bloody awful for what he had done to my sister\brother etc... I would NOT be chatting over lunch and going to fecking wedding fairs.

We moved away btw so are not near to any of them.

OP posts:
Jennyisjustknackered · 01/10/2008 11:25

I agree that it's a question of loyalties, and theirs should lie with you. I would be horrified as well, but there is a distinct possibility that with your 'stiff upper lip', and the subsequent happiness you have found with N, they don't realise you feel like this.

Tell them. Communicate, woman. They are your family, they love you, you are more important to them than any slapper friend of your sister's.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 01/10/2008 11:27

They are due for a visit end of November, was supposed to be next weekend but i can't be bothered to start another thread about their selfish holiday needs...

Will have to pinch myself hard, hate crying. Makes my lovely spider lashes run...

OP posts:
Original poster
largeginandtonic · 01/10/2008 11:29

I would like to think that Jenny but i am not sure.

They have seen me get upset in the past and it is all forgotten the next day. They are too busy being nice to everyone, grrrr.

Crying down the phone pointless is it not?

OP posts:
pooka · 01/10/2008 11:31

I think they are being very very insensitive of your feelings.

You need to make this clear to them.

If dd had a husband who did this to her, I would not be dog sitting and maintaining friendly contact. Civil contact maybe, but friendly, frankly no.

nailpolish · 01/10/2008 11:32

i would not be friends with someone who shat all over my brother
NO WAY
poor you LG&T - i tell my dds that they will have each other to rely on all their lives come what may
you should tell your sister how you feel maybe she doesnt see it
as for your parents - i dont understand that

as for the wedding - just ask outright if you can bring a friend to help with the children. otherwise you wont be able to relax and enjoy

Jennyisjustknackered · 01/10/2008 11:33

I think you need to do it in person. Explain (I'm going all Oprah now) how their actions make you feel.

Ultimately, if they are 'people-pleasers' above all else, and are just trying not to rock the boat, there's not a great deal you can do about it. I would be honest with your sister too about the wedding. Surely if you're that close, she'll listen and try to see things from your perspective.

FWIW, I don't think you are being unreasonable, but you are so happy now, don't let it get to you. Deal with the practicalities of the wedding.

JamInMyWellies · 01/10/2008 11:33

Ooh LG&T what a crappy situation, my parents and sisters are still friendly with my ex of 10yrs too. It does make it bloody difficult I think in the words of your DH you are going to have to man up and bite the bullet and be brutally honest about this. It is in my opinion very bad taste for your sister to invite them but I too had to put up with this at my sis wedding she even got my ex DP to walk my mum down the aisle!! I always regret not being more upfront and honest and saying this eejit ruined my life for 10yrs.

Please please stand up to your sis and say it is completely unreasonable for her to expect you to do this and that the only way you will be matron of honour is if you can invite a friend in loco of your DH.

NotCod · 01/10/2008 11:34

oh yes
in person you nob not on phone

Jennyisjustknackered · 01/10/2008 11:35

Coming from a drama queen who cries on tap, things tend to get a bit shouty and hysterical on the phone.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 01/10/2008 11:37

Aw ta my lovelies. I think i am making it up sometimes.

Where is Finknottle? She makes a fine helmet for this kind of occasion.

NP i am going to ask if i can bring a friend, that is not unreasonable is it? She would know the friend very well too and they get on well.

Must pick up H from playschool, thank you!

OP posts:
bootsmonkey · 01/10/2008 11:49

Could you not go but not be Matron of Honour - that way you don't have split loyalties with the kids and your sister. Personally, I would not want ExH to be invited to my sisters wedding (not that I have either). In a way, your sis has to decide between you and her friend as to whom she wants most to share her wedding day....when you look at it like that, the answer is easy, surely??

I too would be surprised at a continued friendship with someone who had split up my sister's marriage...

sparkybabe · 01/10/2008 12:03

Agree with doc. For this one day they shoudl be totally on your side. The rest of their lives is enough to be friendly with the OW without you knowing too much. But if you are Sister, and Matron of Honour (and pregnant too) you should be a higher priority than her.

ShowOfHands · 01/10/2008 12:15

Oh dear.

You are most certainly not imagining it. Cod's right you know. You are too hard. You do a very good job of looking like you've got it all in hand. You go through divorce, dd's diagnosis, colposcopy, departure of SailorJoe at regular intervals, financial hardships, troubling pregnancies towards the end, bad back, endless viruses and on and on ad infinitum and look like it's all as easy as a walk along the beach (admiring the stunning pillboxes on the way of course). They don't know how it eats you up inside and obviously they should know this as rational, devoted family but sometimes you have to be a bit blunt with them. Or bake a cake and ice the message on it. It's blindingly obvious to us but words of fewer than two syllables might be required.

And, er Man Up.

JoSammy · 01/10/2008 12:22

You're pregnant too? Don't you think you have enough going on? Try planning ahead a bit more. When they say you can't have everything - they mean it.

nailpolish · 01/10/2008 12:24

wtf does that mean sammyjo?

charleymouse · 01/10/2008 12:27

Agree with avoiding the shouting as they could get defensive I would just sigh and say
"I feel so disappointed that you do not feel able to support me in the same way I would support you if anyone had done this to you. I understand the need for a cordial relationship for the sake of the children which is what I have worked hard to ensure over the last 3 years. HOWEVER I am your sister/daughter and love you all very much and am deeply saddened that you would put your relationship with XH and new Mrs before our relationship. I am not angry it just saddens and disappoints me."

Tug the heart strings of them.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 01/10/2008 12:29

You are not being over sensitive. Sounds like your family want to stay friends, possibly for sake of the children, but it doesn't mean you should be beholden to them.

JoSammy · 01/10/2008 12:32

Patently ... ltg has had/is having a very hard time with a lot to deal with. We owe ourselves to take responsibility and manage the things we can for a harmonious life.

btw ... "wtf" aint my talk.

AprilMeadow · 01/10/2008 12:37

OMG!! I would be jumping up and down and insisting that the family had nothing to do with the tosser! If they wanted to see the kids then surely they could come and visit you, being that they are your family and not his.

Do your family know what happened? Because if they do then i cant understand why they would want anything to do with him.

When my parents split up I was about 11 and my dad clutched on with his fingertips to keep in contact with my mums parents (probably to piss her off). My mum went mad and her parents just brushed it off, that was until she told them the reason behind the split, after that they saw him in a different light.

You have more than enough on your hands with your gorgeous kids and no.7 plus N being away from home, without your family adding to the stress. do they not understand that?!

I think you need to have a big convo with your sis and lay it on the line to her. Blood is thicker than water.

You need to jump (of thats possible), scream and shout and tell them all that they are being unreasonable and need to be supporting you.

If you need a back up then i am sure that the May 07 mums and Cod will stand behind you and fight your corner

sparkybabe · 01/10/2008 12:38

WTH? lgt can't take responsibilty for her dh (father of her 5 dc) going off with sister's mate.! Or the family inviting said girl. Or being pregnant - no-one can plan that far.

AprilMeadow · 01/10/2008 12:38

JoSammy - what kind of comment is that?? If you knew LG&T then you wouldnt make such a stupid comment

pooka · 01/10/2008 12:41

I wish there was a confused emoticon.

What are you going on about JoSammy?

LG&T is pregnant. Her sister is getting married. Some time ago she and her ex-husband had an acrimonious split.

What on earth has LG&T being pregnant got to do with things? Or am I completely misunderstanding your post? Are you suggesting LG&T should not have agreed to be matron of honour to her sister?

You aren't making much sense. The OP was about family loyalty essentially. Are you somehow suggesting that LG&T should have waited until her family had stopped having mixed loyalties before she got pregnant. Confused

NotActuallyAMum · 01/10/2008 12:47

I'd be absolutely livid if I was in your shoes! She's obviously used this as an excuse to invite them under the pretence that it's to help you out!

If someone did that to my brother/sister/good friend I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire, let alone invite them to my wedding

Agree with cod that you need to get upset with them if that's the only way of getting your point of view across

JoSammy · 01/10/2008 12:48

True, I don't know lgt. True I agree she has had nasty things go on around her - still is. Sorry but I don't think having another child sounds very sensible. Don't worry - it's nothing to do with me but in a free world I can have my own thoughts. Don't turn the thread into rude comments to me - ignore it and go back to sympathising with the original difficulty.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 01/10/2008 12:48

I agree re nob on the phone, wasted mascara too

Will try to plan my pregnancy's and sister's weddings more accordingly next time Sammyjo.

I am pregnant ( i am always fecking pregnant) but wont be by next summer. I seriously hope not anyway

She has said i don't have to make the cake now as that would be too much to ask. She does think of me sometimes

I like the icing meassage SOH and the 'im deeply disappointed' from CM too, may go for a combination.

Are you coming to saty then SOH? I could cry on your shoulder walk us along the beach.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread