Dh and I have decided that enough is enough and we are seperating, how do we tell the children?

[inthemistsoftime]

Its breaking my heart, am in tears now, relationship has been rocky for a while and we have been having arguments of which the children have heard.

My dd has said that she is particularly scared of us splitting up, how do i tell her what she most fears has come to pass. I dont think I can do it without bursting into tears myself.

We have only just moved into the area we are living in and it is very likely that I will need to move again as I dont have much of a support network, I need to be around people that can help keep me holding body and soul together, which involves moving. Again this will impact my dd the most as she has settled really well into the new school environment.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

I wouldn't assume you will have to move again. Seeing your child really settled in to a school will go a long way to helping you all feel better.

Be sure to tell the children that as parents you both love them very much but you can't live together as husband and wife anymore. Make sure they know when they will be able to see Daddy and please please please don't argue over custody.

I wish you all lots of luck and hope you can all get through this with the minimum of pain.

How old is your dd?

I think if you and dh could tell the children together, and keep it as a family conversation, t his might help. They are goign to feel bewildered.

I think you and dh need to talk, seriously, beforhand, about your plans, as the children are goingto ask questions, and i thik you need to have strong answers, that don't leave them feeling insecure.

They need to know you both love them, and you and dh need to have a real sense of how you will continue contact, and how the kids will be involved. If you and dh can be amicable, and strong then all the better.

I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this. It is a horrible process.
How you do it will slightly depend on how old your DC are, but some essentials are:

If at all possible - both you and your H should be there.
Stress that none of it is their fault and that you both still love them very much.
Answer their questions as honestly as you can (within reason), and if possible try and find out what your dd is scared of, so you can try and reassure her.
Tell them when they will be able to see your H - outline your plans for visits/access, or whatever you have arranged so far.

And be prepared to give them lots of love, reassurance, and also space to come to terms with it.

When I was in your position, a counsellor friend advised me to try and sell it to them as a good thing. That it is what you both want, that you will be happier that way, and that you and H will always be there for them, he will always be their father etc etc.

I'm sure you will get lots of other good advice too, but good luck with it.

do you definitely have to separate?
I see you have just moved, is it because it was so stressful?

Is it selfish of me then to consider moving so that I can be near people who will be able to support me emotionally?

We both love the dcs but I am a SAHM and have been since my daughter was born (10 yrs). We have been abroad for 4 years and arrived here in August so I really dont have anyone to turn to for help.

I think if they are ettled in school it would be good for them to stay there, and it might help you to feel like you are doing something positive for them. Any chance you could make more of this MN stuff and even maybe meet mums in your area? I know it's not like falling of a log, but it might be easier for you to find support with your adult social skills than for your dcs, if you see what I mean?

So sorry you are going through this

itmot - I wasn't meaning to imply you were selfish. I was trying to save unnecessary upset where possible. Obviously you have to be happy and settled as well as the children.

compo, we came back from France as I was unhappy, my husband was commuting to the UK every other week so I was left by myself for the week. After 4 years I had had enough and wanted to return home, we had managed to sell our house which gave us the confidence to move back however the buyers pulled out at the last moment leaving us in no mans land. We decided on staying in the UK and things have improved for all of us.

But we still do not have a full meaningful relationship, no sex unless I work hard at it, and affection is very limited and goes only one way from me to him.

This morning I stumbled across his mobile telephone and decided to have a quick look and found a text message from someone he once shared a kiss with when I was pregnant with my dd. I am fairly certain that nothing has happened since but I asked him the question outright weather he wanted to be with me or not.

His response was not what I wanted to hear and I now feel that should we stay together it would only be for the sake of the children as I am not getting much out of the relationship.

I am very shocked at how today turned out, I was not expecting to have to deal with this today, I feel let down and used, I have been there always for him.

I am 43 years old and feel like this is the end of the road 14 years in this relationship thrown away.

He will probably be ok as he is not yet 40 and find a new relationship, but me, I am past it.

You are not past it!

I had you down as late twenties in your first post (no real idea why) and you will get through this.

Mistsoftime - I'm pretty much in the same boat, but the split is something I want, he doesn;'t. The dc dont know it's imminent, but I have always been a SAHM and dh has always done lots of travelling, so it's not like they are used to him being there all the time. Youve given 14 years, I've put in 17. I don't want another relationship, dh prob will, but at the mo can only see me.
It's never too late. Youre not past it. I'm over 40! If you live near me, I could take you out for a drink!? We could tear it up a bit Life is for lilving, not pining over.

sparkybabe, I just don't know how I am going to meet new people.

I am not an introvert by any stretch of the imagination but I am scared at whats out there.

I am upset for the dcs as they adore their daddy, I know to many people ferrying kids around at the weekend so that they can be with the divorced partner, it is very painful for all concerned.

If I ever had the courage I would take you up on your offer of a drink, I am down south, where are you?

Mistsoftime - the offer is there! I have decided I need new friends in RL to go out with, The ones I have are marrried, or single, or boring and don't go out. Justfor a drink, not for 'pulling'

I am surrey/sussex border.

I would try to stay in the area so the dc don't have to change schools whilst coping with all this.
43 is young! Your husband has ground you down- tis very upsetting not to feel desirable.

god - this could be me! no great advice to give you but i will watch the thread as I might be in v similar position wrt telling kids in a few weeks, depending on how talks go

if i were you i wouldn't rush any decisions - I live away from family 9although have lots of friend swhere I am ) and I reckon if we do split I'll wait out the school year at least here , that'll give me time to think

don't do anything rash in the heat of the split and the hurt and the fear, take your time and think what is best for you AND kids in teh long run

good luck

I haven't told the kids yet as we have decided for a last ditch attempt at rescue by going to see relate.

Our appointment is on Monday and he is away until Friday evening which gives me breathing space and time to work out my options.

Has anyone had any experience of relate?

sparklybabe, I am currently in Hampshire but if I were to move it would be in the Suffolk area , a little nearer than you now.

regoverwhelmed thanks for the support and advice, I hope things work out for you to.

I think for the time being I have to see what he has to say for himself in the presence of another person. Sometimes I feel like it is all my fault and I am a horrible person, I know that its cos I've lost my self confidence.

Anyway for the moment I am in a calm place as are the children.

Thanks to all for caring.

we are going to couples counselling (not relate, we got onto NHS list somehow) and it is sueful...we had one of those conversations recently of the kind you describe - where he can't say that he actively wants to be together, and so much made sense...the lack of affection, sex etc...the bickering and general fedupness....anyway- this all happened outside teh counselling and OH went to the counsellor on his own last time and she said noy to have anymore "make or break" conversations without her to madiate - all very well but rather leaves you in limboland with him in the spare room for the two weeks between appointments. Good for you for giving it a go at least. If it doesn't help you fix things at least it might help splitting more amicably

I wish you the best of luck

There seem to be a lot of us about! I wish DH would go into the spare room, that would help him 'move on' I think, but he'd rather sleep next to me (without touching) which I think is more harmful in the long run. His chioce tho.

A friend of mine went to a party recently, a reunion from about 7-8 years ago....everyone she knew then is now divorced/separated/splitting up. Sad really, but a sign of the way of marriage these days.

there do seem to be a lot of us...with the fizz just gone flat

I guess in "the olden days" these marriages would stick it out "for the sake of the children" or through not wanting to offend social niceties or something...

I just dunno...we may be at end of the road or we may manage to turn the corner, if either of us is prepared to put in what feels like a gargantuan amount of effort

I'm sorry so many of us are in same boat

but in another way glad not to be alone

if that makes sense

good luck next Monday LITMOT

i meant ITMOT (somehow managed to imagine a Lost in there!)

21again I have the same experience, dh can argue black is white if he puts his mind to it, its why I am glad that we are seeing a counciller, I am hoping that an outsider will make things a little clearer, ie I am not just imagining it!

Maybe my self confidence will improve because of it.
heres hoping!

Chin up

I have suggested seeing relate but there is no way dh will even consider it. I had lunch with a friend yesterday and she is the only person in RL who knows the situation. She knows both of us well and it does help to get another perspective on things. She understands just how controlling he is, and although I wasn't looking for her to take sides, she does say that he would be a very difficult person to live with .

ITMOT I really hope Relate can help put things back on track for you - maybe then you can give me some hints!

I've been where you are and am much older (51!). My ex and I separated nearly 2 years ago and have an 8 year old daughter. I was terrified at how if would affect her but guess what, she's a happy, loving child because she knows both of us love her to bits and although her primary residence is with me, she gets to spend plenty of time with her dad who lives locally.

My advice, if you're sure you want to separate, is to talk calmly and positively to your children and reassure them that you both love them very much and that they'll be able to carry on seeing lots of their dad (I assume they'll be living with you). Don't make any decisions about moving away yet, I thought I wanted to move to be near my parents but stayed where I was because of DD's school/dad/friends and haven't regretted it.

As for not meeting new friends and dare I mention it, a new man, I have better friendships now and have also met a man who I feel could be the love of my life (online).
So please don't despair, you really aren't alone.

Mocca

I'm glad things turned out to be so positive for your family, and I hope your new man is all you hope for.

I have decided to give this my very best shot and try for the sake of the girls not to let it all end. At least then I will know I did all I could.