Dh and I have decided that enough is enough and we are seperating, how do we tell the children?

[inthemistsoftime]

Its breaking my heart, am in tears now, relationship has been rocky for a while and we have been having arguments of which the children have heard.

My dd has said that she is particularly scared of us splitting up, how do i tell her what she most fears has come to pass. I dont think I can do it without bursting into tears myself.

We have only just moved into the area we are living in and it is very likely that I will need to move again as I dont have much of a support network, I need to be around people that can help keep me holding body and soul together, which involves moving. Again this will impact my dd the most as she has settled really well into the new school environment.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

I just typed out a really long post and lost it! Argh.

I think you are right to talk about taking control of your life and you are right to expect a lot more from your h. You have done all the hard work and he is carrying on with his nice life without giving you any thought.

Splitting up doesn't mean you have to move away unless you want to - try to separate the two in your mind and see how you get on living where you are now for 6 months/ a year. It will soon pass.

Good luck with all of this. It's so hard but it sounds like you are coming to a decision.

I always seem to be strong when I am left on my own, but as soon as I start talking to him I get all weeping and become a silly women.

I really want to be able to say the things I feel without the weeping.

I am now not sure whether I would move away or not now, as this week my son was diagnosed with dyslexia which was very upsetting, by contrast my daughters teacher was telling me how well she was doing.

I think that relate will be now used to discuss an amicable separation unless at the very last minute he swears undying love for me!!!! I think I'll be waiting a long time.

How about relate on your own? A couple of my mates have benefitted hugely from going to relate alone - almost as part of their exit strategy from their marriages. They said it made them stronger and more confident about the future.

Hi -ITMOT I am glad the relate was helpful - to you, anyway. I have said before that I feel on the other side - I feel about my dh how it seems yours feels about you. I like him, but don't love him, or want him. He went to take 'advice' yesterday, financial advice. I don't know what was said, but he asked how I thought it would be for us in 6 months. At the moment we are sleeping in the same room, same bed, but there is NO contact (my choice) and I suppose I want to be either in separate rooms or one of us in a flat if we can afford it. I feel that I am trying so hard to be 'fair', that it is all MY fault (he doesn't want the split, neither do the dc, it's only me) but I don't think any way is fair enough for the hurt I have caused. He doesn't want to move out or into a spare room, so I suppose I will have to compromise by still sleeping with him. But surely he wouldn't want that for ever either? Don't know what to do for the best for everyone.

By sheer coincidence I spoke to someone yesterday who had gone to Relate alone as her DH refused to go. She was the same as your mates QM and said it helped to make everything so much clearer.

DH did say that the advisor asked if he thought I was depressed? She said I should be getting counselling, had I lost weight (yep) had trouble sleeping (yep). Anyway, I am not the one who needs it clarifying, i think he might need it tho, just someone to spell it out to him that it's over.

Can I join you? I told dh I didn't feel I could be his wife any more last Friday, he took me to a hotel for my birthday & I so couldn't face anything physical I had to tell him.
We have had separate rooms for 8 years & are almost never affectionate & have sex about 3 times a year so there isn't much that needs to change. We are therefore going to try to keep everything as it is, apart from us not actually being a couple. Not telling family as they will be v upset.

It's such early days I don't know if it will work out but i'm hopeful that we may be able to carry on for a few years peacefully.
Felt awful for last few days but now he & I are actually talking, for first time in ages, so maybe things will be ok. Or I'm delusional. dunno.

Eowyn - that's exactly waht I want. No physical contact, but being partners with the dc. Living like flat-mates - it's surely cheaper to live in one house than 2. I dont want to be a couple either. I don't want another relationship, god no. I don't want the one Im in now.

Unfortunatley, he does. I still feel I can't go out in the evening without telling him who I'm with, where I'm going etc. I STILL feel guilty about it all.

Do you have dc Eowyn? If I didn't have the kids I would be Soooo far away by now. But we are trying to keep things 'normal' for them. The youngest is only 9.

Hi, yes just one dd who is 8. He is a v good dad in that that go out most of the weekend & some evenings when it was light, cycling, playing tennis etc (all the fun stuff) - so i would hate to deprive her of him. Also, I'm not good at playing & like my own space so have plenty of selfish reasons for wanting him nearby.
If we could afford separate, adjacent houses that would be perfect, I can't imagine how we would survive financially if we split completely.

The telling each other what we are doing is going to be the hard thing to resolve, how accountable we are to each other...
Like you, I would be long gone if it wasn't for dd but if we can do this i really really hope things will be ok.

I do have a v good male friend tho & haven't got a clue whether that might go anywhere one day. Major possible complication, but dh has said he doesn't mind me spending time with him.
It's all a bit surreal at the mo.

I think a lot of us are tied for financial reasons, I am coming to the conclusion that I will now be staying for financial reasons. And I intend to have this discussion with h this weekend.

I am hoping that he will move out to the spare room as I think I read too much into any affection we share, for him he wants to be cuddled but not have all the other bits that go with it.

It shouldn't be too hard for us as he currently stays up town working for 3 days because he doesn't want to do the commute, so that leaves just the weekends and I think we should share the children equally.

How do you sort things out on a financial basis? I feel I am always the one economising whereas he spends money as he wishes, what do you others do?

I've just done it, and I am shaking, have sent h the email that says we are now sleeping in separate rooms from tonight.

Wow ITMOT - well done! I wish I could do that, but I'm too afraid of hurting him. Eowyn it sounds like you have everything I want too -like sparky, a life of your own but with support nearby. And after all the dh has as much right to see/live with the dc as I do.
It will be hard to manage financially - i am a SAHM and I don't think we can afford 2 houses, - we'd have to sell, (if we even could. ) My DH said he didnt want it to be all my own way, whatever that means. I think it means that whatever I want is the thing he will kick against. So I am pretty stuck.

ITMOT - how's he taking it?
For me, I am still a bit up & down cos I can't believe it can be this easy, am waiting for something to make it all fall apart... it seems ironic that his lack of feelings for me turns out to be a good thing.

Financially we are entirely separate, he owns everything & used to charge me rent to live here long after dd was born & I wasn't earning anything. But that's just one of the many little things that were wrong. My 1st concern on telling him we couldn't carry on was that he might get nasty financially but he says he will be ok. Probably cos he's relieved that I'm not walking out with dd. So we shall see. It's not easy even when it's your choice, is it?

Eowyn - you have separate bedrooms, separate finances, no physical contact, your own other man - it's what I think would be the ideal solution for me! I'm not trying to upset you but what more do you want? Separate houses is the ideal I suppose but we can't afford that so being 'flatmates' is the best i could hope for, but dh thinks that because it's MY choice then it must be against his wishes/interests.
I wish he didn't have feelings for me, it would be easier.

He is taking it fine!!!!!

I now realise that I have made it easy for him, I have done what he did not have the courage to do, ended the relationship.

Right now I am really angry at him for everything, I feel he has wasted so much of my precious time, and we still have to tell the children.

I will be ok once I have calmed down, and the children are my priority so it must be done in a calm manner.

I think I am going to cry a lot this weekend!

And wow you are posting at 3AM?

I know what you mean abut wasting time, I don't consider my marriage of 17 years a waste exactly, but it is a long time.

Hold onto that anger, it's strength.

And welldone.

its me again, this morning I have decided to focus on my social life making sure that I make the best of the weekends that I have the children and those weekends that I have for me.

I have been a SAHM for 10 years as one of the dcs has severe asthma and is always potentially life threatening. This hasn't helped our relationship as it can put an enormous stress on everyone whilst we are going through it.

However the time has come for me to put myself 1st and make the most of what I have, this includes finding a job, god I am so scared that I am to old and no one will employ me.

But hey I got to get out there.

I do hope I get to sleep better tonight!!!!

My situation may sound good but it's still awkward, dh does want me now, despite rarely doing so when he could have, I don't think he's thinking of divorce at some stage whereas weekends just make me want to scream. I just sat in a car park for ages to get away.
My "friend" seems to have backed off big time, i have a feeling living under the same roof as dh is going to scare anyone else away. either that or i'm just completely unwantable. my friend said "you must feel so rejected" sympathising about dh, then mutters something about "being practical" re us, which seems to mean he doesn't want to know.
Unfortunately this is hurting more than it should, so sorry I'm waffling on but I have to get it out.

Sleep is so hard when it's all going round & round your head, isn't it?

Well dh and I had a 'talk' on saturday night, I told him I thought we should be in separate rooms, he said that so far the sleeping in the same room and bed is not a problem. He alsoo said that if i want him to move into the spare room then he would rather move out altogether! (no I don't understand it either - why would you rather move out and not see the dc than stay in the same house just not the sme bed? ) The whole point is to make it 'normal' for thedc so they don't realise, and I suppose it's a compromise I am preparred to make, for a while.
ITMOT - I am also looking for a job, it's not easy but I suppose there will be seasonal jobs coming up soon. I hope that I can meet new people and get out more.

Eowyn, you shouldn't feel rejected. Would you really want him back? Is there anything he could do to make you part of a couple again?

H's are strange, aren't they... mine's main concern was not seeing dd every day hence he seems happy to put up with the whole separate lives scenario.
I don't want anything back, tho it does all feel surreal when on a day to day basis life hasn't chanhed, I've woken up thinking I've dreampt it all.
The rejection has been almost for the whole duration of the relationship, he's never wanted me, & I suppose him now relinquishing me so easily seems strange, but useful.

I also need to get out more in order to cope with staying - hence rather hoping my friend would be up for a bit of socialising. Maybe it's for the best to avoid complications...

It's really hard for me to get out - I have lots of friends but they are a) married and therefore dont want to go out on a girly night more than once every 2-3 months, b) sinlge mums, and have babysitting probs so ditto or c) they are boring and dont do girly nights out. A drink at 7.30 on a friday night is as good as it gets with them. That's one of the reasones I would like to get a job - maybe I can go out with some younger girls for some fun nights out!

hi guys, I agree that we need to get out for social interaction with normal people.

its one of the reasons I need to get back to working as well as for financial reasons.

today is such a miserable day its really having an effect on me, I cant be bothered to do anything.

h and I are being nice to each other, but right now I feel as its never going to get better than this.

his pulling sway seems to be more evident than ever, sleeping in separate rooms hasn't really helped much for me although I think it will in the long run.

I have been making plans for the weekends so as to fill my time up, I just want to be away from the hum drum of normal life as it hurts too much.

ITMOT - so have you actually moved his bed out now? I really wish I could do that. My heart sinks every time he comes in now. On the bright side - I've got an interview! On saturday. I know I won't get it, but at the very worst it's good interview practice - I havent been for an interview for 15 years!

good luck with the interview sparkly, you may even get it, we have got to get lucky some time soon!!!

So has anyone actually told the dc yet? My friend says that I should just move his bed into a spare room and jsut say 'mum can't sleep with dads snoring any more' (!) but my ds1 is nearly 16 and will need to know the truth.