Dh and I have decided that enough is enough and we are seperating, how do we tell the children?

[inthemistsoftime]

Its breaking my heart, am in tears now, relationship has been rocky for a while and we have been having arguments of which the children have heard.

My dd has said that she is particularly scared of us splitting up, how do i tell her what she most fears has come to pass. I dont think I can do it without bursting into tears myself.

We have only just moved into the area we are living in and it is very likely that I will need to move again as I dont have much of a support network, I need to be around people that can help keep me holding body and soul together, which involves moving. Again this will impact my dd the most as she has settled really well into the new school environment.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

I really feel Im on the other side of the fence - I am the one who wants the relationship to end! I read yuor posts and it brings home to me how DH must be feeling and it makes me sad, but I really don't want to be part of a couple any more. I feel that I am the only one who feels like this - my DH is kind, considerate, hardworking, financially we are well off, and I should be happy happy HAPPY. Why aren't I? I don't fancy him. I don't love him, (and wonder if I ever did) and I don't want another man Or any relationship. So people say why end it? Why hurt the dc? Why destroy DH? After 17 years? I wish I knew. I just can't go on like this, with no attraction or excitement - on my side. He still loves me, fancies me, wants me.

sparkybabe have you tried counseling? maybe like us on this side it might help him come to terms with it or you may find that there is still something left between you.

Hi everyone, hope you don't mind if I join this thread. I'm in the same position, very similar circumstances to sparkybabe except DH now loathes me! But only because I've decided to end the marriage. I'm about to reach the point of having to tell the children, and am dreading it.

It's so unbelievably helpful to know that there are other people out there going through the same thing.

ITMOT, hope your counselling works out.

FairyTaleEnding

So sorry to hear the same is happening to you. How old are your dcs and will your DH be there when you decide to tell them?

Did you try counselling? I really want to know if it helps even if you have to go alone.

Keep posting because it does help to unload some of the burden and as you know it helps to talk to others in a similar situation.

We haven;t tried couselling - I think because I want it to end and really don't want to keep trying. I've felt like this for about 2 years and tried to keep it together, got hobbies, travelled etc. I'm at the stage now where I really want to be on my own (with the dc). I don;t want to talk it over with anyone else, I want to get on now, but I'm sort of hanging fire, for dh to come to terms with it all a bit. After all I'v had 2 years to get into this miondset, he has had it dumped on him about 4-5 months ago. I wish he did hate me, FTE, it might make it easier for him.

Twentyoneagain - thanks so much for your post. DCs are five and three. It's the five-year-old I'm most worried about - he's very close to his dad and is going to find it all hugely difficult and confusing. The plan is for DH and I to do it together, but DH doesn't know things are about to come to a head as I'm moving out soon. I feel constantly scared and guilty.

We did try counselling a couple of years ago but to be honest it was a nightmare. Opened up huge cans of worms and made me feel even more hopeless about the situation. We couldn't talk about even the tiniest niggles without tension, so what hope for bigger issues? We've since been through mediation which is the WORST experience of my life! Worth it in the end, but God I don't want to have to do that again ... I'm now seeing a counsellor on my own to help me try to get some perspective on what's happening, and I'm finding it hugely supportive and helpful. Friends and family are brilliant but they're all emotionally involved so their support always had another angle to it.

sparkybabe - I so know what you're going through. Like you, I've been in this mindset for a while and it was a real shock to DH. He really struggled with it all - anger, raging, shouting, depression etc - and is still being incredibly difficult. If I'd had any doubts about making this decision, his behaviour since I did it has just confirmed that it's the right thing to do. I know he's really unhappy, more than unhappy, but he takes it out on me constantly and doesn't care about arguing in front of the DCs. So the sooner I can get them out of this horrible atmosphere, the better.

Sorry, long post! Thanks so much for the support. Let's keep it going.

FTE - if you move out will you take the dc with you? IMVHO they are too young to be 'told' what is happening.. I realise you know your children best, but mine are 15, 11 and 9 and I'm not going to tell them anything other than 'mum and dad love you but DH wants to live in x (flat,house, county) and so it will be just you 3 and me for a while.' And leave it at that. We can talk to them individually if they ask, but as I said, dh works away quite a bit so it will not be soooooooo confusing for them (I hope!). We are going to try to keep the house, so schools/friends etc will not be affected.
Your home life sounds awful, I hope you can stay strong. As you say, his behaviour is not likely to win you back! It sounds like fear on his part. Fear of the unknown, and change - causes frantic anger and depression. Once the situation is resolved and the world still turns, it will be better. .

Good luck.

fairytaleending, so sorry to hear your story, I do hope it works out for you, I know it is not easy to make such a decision.

I will continue to seek and offer support on this thread as I know how important for me it is to have open and frank discussions with mums who are in the same position as me.

It is difficult to tell people in RL as they are not getting a balanced view of the whole picture, just my side of the story.

My appointment today with relate will be interesting as I think DH has a lot to get of his chest as FTE said it "opened a can of worms" we shall see!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

good luck today

Oh my gosh, I think I belong on this thread.
Can I join you all???
DH (actually not married) and I decided to call it a day last night after some agonising months of not being sure. I am still not. Though he still loves me and wants us to be together. His actions have hurt me in teh past and I can't seem to let it go. All my family and friends think we should try relate, and he has agreed saying he would try anything, but we are making each other m,iserable and I don't know if we will survive til we get to talk to someone.
It is so hard, we have 2 dd's one is 2 and one nearly 5 who adores her daddy. He always says he will go away and not see them because it will ultimately be the best thing for them and he could never bear to see us esp the girls with another man.

BOM: just saw your post and wanted to say I'm so sorry

Hi all. Hope you're all surviving. Sparky, I've taken some advice on telling the children and the concensus seems to be that my five-year-old will want to ask questions and needs to be told the truth as much as possible. I.e. obviously we both love them, but we're not getting on and are feeling unhappy together so we're going to live apart. The same thing happened to me when I was seven and I know it's heartbreaking, but nobody thought to ask me what I was feeling about it, and as a result I've spent my life burying emotions. So I want my kids to be able to talk about it.

ITMOT, thanks for your support. Good luck with Relate, you're very brave to be going through that, I know it can be horrible!

I'm bracing myself to tell DH tonight that I'm moving out with the DCs. I am just TERRIFIED. On past experience he will shout, cry, manipulate and make me feel terrible. But it's got to be done. I feel sick at the thought of it. This is almost worse than telling him I wanted to separate in the first place, as that was a spur of the moment, blurt it out thing so I didn't have time to get worked up about it ...

And by the way, I f*ing HATE solicitors! Probably need to start a new thread about that one ...

Thanks everyone, and sorry for the long post. Hope your days go ok. It's all got to be worth it in the end.

BOM - also just seen your post. Hang in there, and stay on the thread. I think it really helps. So sorry.

Thanks Effie (you used to be Swizzler right?)
It is crap, I am not sure whether he actually would bugger off or if he's just saying it to hurt me, but it is not a nice thought.
The love has been chipped away and I can't seem to forgive him, or move on.

I also went thru this (altho I wanted the separation/divorce). My two older children understood and my youngest now ten (I am 51) is doing great. Her Dad lives far away so it's only the odd conversation on msn and webcam but she has come along so well. I like you, left the country I had spent most of my married years in so it was all a new experience when we came back to the UK.
D'you know what? You are never past it. I have suitors and boyfriends and altho I adore one of them more than the others it logistically it has its hurdles, I am happy.
Give yourself time to adapt to the new situation, at first it is hard, but eventually you realise that being in a one way relationship is no good for anyone and you get yourself back again. Desirable, wanted and to burn the socks off of someone who is just as mad about you?
Wouldn't you like to be in a realtionship that 'glows' and is receptive rather than feeling like a nuisance everytime you cuddle someone? The thing is we lower the belt of normality until we forget where it is supposed to be.
Don't worry about that .... please.

yes, ex-Swizzler

it's a hideous thing to say, not sure how you can come back from that . Are you thinking about counselling?

Have just spoken to him and I am going to call relate right now, and we are both going to try everything we can.
Wish me luck, and good luck to itmot, and sorry for a bit of a hijack, this seemed like a bit of a refuge for women all going thru a similar thing tho. Hope no one minds

Will be thinking of you

best wishes to the others going through this as well

BOM - good luck I really hope things work out for you. I too am going to do everything in my power to make this work. At least then I know I have tried, and I owe it to the girls to do what I can.

Will be thinking of you, please let us know how you get on.

thought provoking post Kally

I DO want to be in a relationship where I don't feel like a nuisance for wanting a cuddle - what a good way of putting it

we are doing the counselling thing in the hope we can get it back

if not we'll have to separate as I cannot take this one way street any more

good luck to BoM and anyone else at a similar stage

and thanks to folk like Kally who let us all know there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is a different colour to the one we expected!

how did the appointment with relate go itmot?

Am at last on my own so can post.

Relate went fine, the 1st session is for them to explain what they can do ad get a little background information from you.

It was relatively painless as we didn't say anything to each other that we hadn't already said.

We now need to commit to a regular time/day, which we both have done.

We had spent some time with each other over the weekend talking about what each of us thought about what/where/how could we improve the current situation.

We had regained some intimacy with each other which was a real leap as DH had been "pulling away" for some time, I was however surprised in the session when DH explained that he was no longer in love with me. It would seem I have read too much into our conversations over the past few days. And to tell the truth I was quite hurt, although I didn't react at the time it has made me a little more cautious in expressing any emotions as it isn't reciprocated.

We shall see where it all leads, for me if there is no love apart from that of a friend then there is no real relationship.

god - you sound very together for someone who had to hear that in a counselling session

you are a strong woman, remeber that and make sure YOU get what you need out of this relationship, it isn't just down to him

(now, can I practise what i preach? can I 'eck!)

good luck and stay calm, at least you are talking properly now. And difficult though it is I suppose it is good to realise that you are reading stuff into what he says/how he is at home that maybe just isn't there. I know I do that, and then it is really hard when it simply isn't the case.

Hi ITMOT

I have been dropping in and out and followed this so far.

I agree with ROW, my goodness you sound like either you are in shock and numb at what has been said today or resigned, I am not sure which but whichever you do seem to be thinking logically.

I too could never be in a relationship where there was no love. I have a friend in a similar relationship nightmare and they are 'working' thru their thoughts at present. It hurts to be on the outside too, watching it all unravel but I hope we help our friends by just listening to them.

I just wanted to say thinking of you really, I am in Hants too and just wanted to say hang on in there whatever happens, support is always here on mumsnet. xx

Today I am feeling that I am just avoiding the inevitable.

H was up in town working and went out with mates which I knew about so not really a problem. However I have said in the past to him that I find it difficult if he doesn't phone me before he leaves work or send a text just to say he is ok. Well last night I got no telephone call and no text. It is likely that he will call this morning if his hangover is not to big, and I am not going to answer the phone.

I have spent years waiting for him to call me, its time I took charge of the situation, of my life, I am not just going to sit for much longer, unless he makes a real commitment to me I'm off, relate or not.

Sorry for the rant but its been on my mind since last night, thanks for listening.