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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ultimatum;divorce or adoption.

110 replies

mou · 08/09/2008 07:35

18 months ago, following a tough time my H told me we either gave DS up for adoption or our marriage was over and at the time he really meant it. i knew i had to stand by my son and then H backed down. I really tried to get over this but relationship between H and DS continued to be 80% crap and i was continually picking up the pieces until about 2 months ago when i thought i was going to have a breakdown. H can be pretty shitty when he is drunk/angry or both and is so negative about everything. i have tried and tried to get him to talk to someone but he will only talk to me and i am exhausted.
DS's problems are monumental and we have been referred to CAMHS.
I am so sad and the anger at his ultimatum keeps bubbling to the surface, even though I know after all this time i should forgive him. sometimes i look at him and feel like I don't know him anymore, and I certainly don't know myself anymore. I'm terrified of the future but only feel calm when i am on my own. want it all to stop but fed up of feeling like i'm the one that is carrying the family as i'm not that strong anymore.
tired and sad.

OP posts:

umberella · 08/09/2008 07:49

Is your H DS's dad?

Feel v sad for you - what an awful position to be put in.

MadameCastafiore · 08/09/2008 07:49

You don't really have a choice do you - divorce is your only option - I can't understand why you would even have to pause for thought on this - he is your son and needs you - he doesn't have the choice.

BalloonSlayer · 08/09/2008 07:50

Time to take him up on his ultimatum, methinks, and show him the door.

umberella · 08/09/2008 07:53

I would agree with MadameCastafiore and BalloonSlayer -your H needs some sort of help to deal with his problems and that won't happen while you are trying to hold everything together on your own.

feelingfedup · 08/09/2008 07:55

The moment he asked you to choose between him and your child the marriage was over.
It won't be easy, but staying with this man is just prolonging the agony.

lemonstartree · 08/09/2008 07:58

what a twat. no choice is there. he needs to go, (your husband obviously)

nooka · 08/09/2008 07:59

Sounds like you really need some help. Are you getting any support other than the referral to CAHMS? How old is your son? Is your dh aware that it is unlikely he will be adopted any time soon even if you did go down that route? It is sometimes easy to think that another family could do a much better job when you are at your wits end, but it really isn't necessarily so. I wouldn't stay with someone who was regularly drunk/angry to be honest, let alone someone who wanted to give away their child, but I am also aware that some children are very very difficult (I have a friend whose child regularly attacks the for example).

Can you approach social services about respite perhaps? It sounds like you are carrying a lot.

SmugColditz · 08/09/2008 08:00

It was over when he revealed that he dislikes your son enough to want him put up for adoption. Divorce him because you're just burying the dead.

Original poster

mou · 08/09/2008 09:01

one of problems is my son heard and thinks if we split up it is his fault. H is DS's dad.
DS is having violent anger management problems and i actually called the police on one occasion, ( god, he's only 10), but he has hurt me physically and threatened to hurt himself. physical, mental and emotional damage to us all soul destroying, and he has done hundreds of pounds of damage to property.
i suppose H can be quite manipulative and he confuses me. i told him I'd had enough and he's gone into overkill trying to pull things together. so it's my fault if i don't match him. wish i could go far far away.
he's pretended to everybody that things are o.k which is making me look like some neurotic madwoman. so sad, we were thought of as the 'perfect' couple.

OP posts:

brightwell · 08/09/2008 09:03

What an absolutely terrible thing to suggest, I think you know the answer. What he said cannot be taken back or forgotten, the damage has been done.

brightwell · 08/09/2008 09:08

My ex asked me to have a termination 2 weeks after we had told our families I was pregnant with dd. When I told him I was leaving he changed his mind and tried to pretend he'd not meant it????? I should have walked, my feelings are you can never truly recover from those sort of comments.

HappyWoman · 08/09/2008 09:13

I think him saying it was terrible - but we all do and say stupid things in the heat of the moment - and he did back down. Has he done anything else since that has suggested that he is willing to walk away? I think if he says it again then tell him to go, but if not you are going to have to accept that it was a mistake on his part said in anger and somehow try to get over it so as not to bring that resentment into the relationship.

Hope you get the help you need - you do not have to carry the family alone.

MadameCastafiore · 08/09/2008 09:15

Can you not see your son's problems are probably because of your DHs behaviour?

PinkTulips · 08/09/2008 09:18

your son might think it's his fault.... or he might realise when he's old enough to understand that his mother loved him enough to put him above anyone else in her life and supported him even at his worst.

some decisions you make for the child you have now, others you make for the person that child will grow into.

honestly, which is worse. your ds thinking it's his fault you and dp split up because you loved him enough to put him first, or him growing up knowing his father hates him and wants him gone.

the key point in this is that your ds heard him telling you he didn't want him.... do you honestly think living in the same house as a man he knows dislikes him that much is improving the behaviour issues?

have strength and do what you know is right for both of you, none of the 3 of you is better off if you leave him but at least 2 of you are better off if h is gone.

missingtheaction · 08/09/2008 09:20

have you considered that ds's problems may be a reaction to knowing that his own dad doesn't want him? ds has a hard path to follow here - parental rejection is horribly damaging.

If you 'give up' ds then he won't get adopted, he will get taken into care. Given his problems exactly what kind of future do you think he has if that happens? could you live with the guilt?

Cards on table - I think your DH is a BAD person. He isn't prepared to take responsibility for his own child, and he has offloaded the guilt and blame on you and your poor dc.

Get yourself and DC away from him.

When the truth is out your friends and family will be understanding and supportive. People react to what people do, not what they hear people say about themselves. They will be sympathetic and on your side.

PinkTulips · 08/09/2008 09:21

-none of the 3 of you is better off if you stay with him but at least 2 of you are better off if h is gone- obviously

Original poster

mou · 08/09/2008 09:41

i do know that DS's behaviour is very much to do with his dads attitude. i am in no way considering DS going into care and he knows that.
H got drunk a couple of weeks ago and told me he was going to seek a legal separation from me because i am 'not right in the head'.
don't know how things got like this, we were so happy.
i am so scared of crossing the line and saying it is over, would find it easier if i never had to see him again. some days i can barely decide what to wear.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 08/09/2008 09:42

mou... I'm not sure where to start with answering your thread...

My DS, who is 9 has had violent anger problems, which icluded general destruction, smashing windows by kicking them, and self harming. Luckily I have a brillliant DH who has been supportive and able to handle DS, so I have bee increadlible lucky, and real feel for you having to go through this with out support.

How long untill you are likely to see CAMHS?

Before you see them have a think about what help you want from them. (They most likely will ask you what help you'd like) We were offered anger management, which we had to wait a year for. I didn't really rate the anger management course, tbh, but it was good to meet other parents going through the same thing. The thing i did learn though, that at the root of my sons anger is anxiety, (and I think this is true for most angry children, and anything we can do to aleviate long term anxiety will result in less explosions.

I'm not sure you should forgive your H for his ultimatum. Personally, I would have decided at that moment to go it alone with DS.

LynetteScavo · 08/09/2008 09:44

Mou, I think for your sons sake, you need to take time away from your H. You need to find it with in you to take that first step, though.

Kewcumber · 08/09/2008 09:45

any man that thinks the solution to his sons problems is care (he would be hgihly uinlikely to be adopted) isn't worth the emotional investment you re putting in.

And yes I do understand that having a violent 10 year old with behavioural isses must be soul destryoing at times but it doesn;t sound like your H has much of a soul to detroy.

Kewcumber · 08/09/2008 09:46

sorry that was a bit harsh I'm for you and your son.

AtheneNoctua · 08/09/2008 09:55

Any man who told me to choose between him and our children whould by making that demand make very easy for me to choose the children. I don't want to be with a man who doesn't want to be part of the family -- and that includes an equal parent.

psychomum5 · 08/09/2008 10:00

I am sorry, but I think that your son might actually have a chance of ebing helped better if your DH leaves.

not least, you will be able to stay calmer and being able to help your son rather than being constantly scared of how your DH is going to be that day and also try and help your son IYGWIM.

what a sad situation for you and your son

Original poster

mou · 08/09/2008 10:04

We see CAMHS at end of september. not harsh Kc, i do sometimes wonder.
H's family has a history of schizophrenia. sometimes have felt like i'm married to two people. one of them sweet and loving. other one a stranger. drink does not help but he's a grown up; i've tried to point it out but i'm not his mum. i feel like i'm swallowing bombs like in the cartoons.
We also got 5 yr old DS, and she and H very close but she obviously being affected.
as if thats not enough i started getting anonynous texts when i was on my own.
got to go to work, thank-you so much for your support and advice so far, it helps

OP posts:

HappyWoman · 08/09/2008 10:17

mou - being scared of crossing the line and saying it is over is understandable - but you need to show your h where the line is.

Repect yourself enough to keep to your own values.

And just saying it is over is not the same as it being over - but maybe by telling him how close to that line you are may make him rethink.

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