ultimatum;divorce or adoption.

[mou]

18 months ago, following a tough time my H told me we either gave DS up for adoption or our marriage was over and at the time he really meant it. i knew i had to stand by my son and then H backed down. I really tried to get over this but relationship between H and DS continued to be 80% crap and i was continually picking up the pieces until about 2 months ago when i thought i was going to have a breakdown. H can be pretty shitty when he is drunk/angry or both and is so negative about everything. i have tried and tried to get him to talk to someone but he will only talk to me and i am exhausted.
DS's problems are monumental and we have been referred to CAMHS.
I am so sad and the anger at his ultimatum keeps bubbling to the surface, even though I know after all this time i should forgive him. sometimes i look at him and feel like I don't know him anymore, and I certainly don't know myself anymore. I'm terrified of the future but only feel calm when i am on my own. want it all to stop but fed up of feeling like i'm the one that is carrying the family as i'm not that strong anymore.
tired and sad.

The 'or adoption' ultimatum is ridiculous, anyway. It would be extremely difficult for social services to place a ten year old boy with behavioural problems and even if they found a family, I am quite sure that when push came to shove you would not go through with it and your son would end up even more angry and confused.

You need lots of help and support. Your partner is providing you with the polar opposite.

I have a son with 'difficult behavior' and it improved fourfold when I kicked his father out. And his father loves him, and this has always been clear, so I can only imagine what is going on with your little boy.

I can see you are suffering depression, an eating disorder, stress from living as you are etc, but these are not actually your son's fault, and yet he is suffering because you haven't come to a decision on what to do. I'm not condemning you - it's a huge step - but I'm not going to wrap it up in Christmas paper either - your son's behavior may not improve when he KNOWS you haven't chosen to stay with his dad and put him in care, but his mental health and self esteem will improve immeasurably.

It must be eating him up inside to know that you were given the ultimatum and you haven't yet chosen him. How hard a choice could it be?

I've been abused both at the hands of a parent and partner. Both were well liked in the outside world. It means nothing - it doesn't stop the way they treat you behind closed doors. My mother never took my side or stood up for me when something was going on at home, and that ruined our relationship and cannot be repaired.

You need to stand up for your son, he needs you. Your daughter needs to see you standing up for your son so she knows that you will do the same for her.

I know you are in an awful situation and it is hard, but your son is at an age where it can be turned around and if you take action now in a few years you will be thankful you did. It won't be easy, but you will be doing this for your children and yourself, and your future realtionship with them.

Mou - it looks like you are being bullied quite badly here by your H and have been for a long time, and, as so many on here know, that erodes your self- confidence, your belief in your ability to make good decisions and often leads to depression, eating disorders and children with behavioural problems...

How many times do we hear of these men, who socially are charming and generous? All the time, nobody is suprised anymore.

Classic, the 'you're not right in the head',
'its all your fault, you make it up', and the jealousy. Don't forget your daughter is watching and learning how adult relationships function from this!

Just take it one step at a time, maybe with your GP or a phone call to Womens Aid.

Also, a friend of mine went through a similar thing - her husband said that her eldest child had to go and live somewhere else (he wasn't the father but had brought the child up for 10 years). She kicked her husband out instead leaving her alone with 4 children.

Eighteen months on the eldest child who was difficult (although not as much as yours seems to be) has changed into a child that continually makes her proud, is brimming with confidence and happiness.

The other children are also happier. They still see their father but they are living in an environment with a mother that they know will do and does do everything for them.

It has been hard for her, and there have been times where she has almost gone back on her word, but is now glad that after a hard eighteen months she is already seeing the positive results of the strong decision she made.

Think of the future and hopefully that will give you the strength to try to do what you need to do to get the future you want for your future.

lots to think about, thanks to all for now,....

I suffer with depression and are making tonees of mistakes with my 3 children, but what has kept me on this Earth is the fact I am their Mum. Nothing can change that or replace it. And I would never give them up.

My mother chose men over me the whole of my life and was in care from a very young age.

You have got to put your child first now, by kicking out your husband, otherwise you will pay for it and your child will pay for it, for the rest of your lives.

Could this book be helpful for your son?
"A volcano in my tummy" by Eliane Whitehouse.

Attempt at a link
www.amazon.co.uk/Volcano-My-Tummy-Children-Caregivers/dp/0865713499

Your husband is compounding a challenging situation. He should be supporting you but he's make something incredibly difficult a million times harder. You must be physically and mentally exhausted.

A problem shared is a problem halved, but htis man, your "husband" has been doubling your troubles.

MargeSimpson - have you read that book? I nearly bought it yesterday, but hesitated.

MrsStig - It was a book recommended by a child psychiatrist to lend out for people waiting for CAHMS as the wait is months. I have ordered it but waiting for it to arrive along with some other books.

hi Mou, sorry you're having such an awful time. IME abusive men are OFTEN quite charming in public. It does make the whole situation more confusing because you wonder what you're doing to make them be so awful at home, and you wonder whether people will believe you when you tell them how your partner behaves in private.

It is very hard to make huge life-changing decisions and it sounds like you are worn down and a bit numb to the situation you're in at the moment. It's great that you've been able to tell us on MN what's going on. Do you have anyone in RL that you can talk to? Have you thought about going for counselling or tried speaking to woman's aid?

Absolutely agree with apollinaire - when you've been bullied and put down for years it's very difficult to think straight or trust your own judgement.

talk in RL to a couple of people but little bits to each, never whole story to same one, think i can only manage bitesize chunks at a time as whole picture horrendous.
not the most important issue but financially on my own i'd be screwed. got debts etc. did at least tell him last night to quit drinking and see a doctor.
i know in my heart people on MN are not being critical but yes i am worn down and numb and my defences are up, so sorry if i seem snappy.
we've been together 13 years and yes i absolutely know i have got to do the right thing for my child but you never think it's going to be you do you? i proposed to him, he was not like this.
i love my stepsons, how do i look them in the eye and tell them why? i know thats not a reason to stay in a situation that is damaging to my DS but all the litttle pieces put together are why this is so fucking hard.
sorry, crying too much to type anymore.

Mou, could you go and talk to your doctor about this? Could you ask for councilling?
Could your doctor intervene?

I had a very bad situation with my dh a few years ago, and I poured out my sould to my gp, who was very understanding, suggested my dh suffered from depression, and helped me see a path forward.

You need help. You cannot carry the burden of this on your own. Your situation seem horrendous. For a father to harbour such feelings for his son, is a sign that something is seriously wrong, and he needs help too. But I dont think you are helping him by staying with him. He needs a wake up call, and professional help too.

i talk to doctor but allthough i'm desparately unhappy i'm not actually depresssed,.. fighting it. i'm not the one with the problem he is and he has just phoned to say he will talk to a doctor because whether or not this relationship has any furure this man needs help that is beyond me.
whatever he has become i feel i owe it to the man i married to at least get him in the right direction.
i don't know if that makes sense. whether or not we stay together as a family, he is still DS's dad and if i can retrieve anything of their relationship is that a bad thing? DS NOT deserve a bad dad but if i can get H help and turn things around it's got to be better than this.
i'm not in a position to separate and move to the other side of the world (want to), so they would still be in contact and DS thinks it is all his fault now. H HAS TO MAKE AMENDS,

Qes i don't know how to move forward, i told H it was over and DS went into meltdown when he thought H was leaving. i say over and over again not his fault but he not believe it from me. i even thought of having an affair so H would leave me and then it would be my fault, DS not feel guilty. shit idea but thought it.

Oh no, dont even think you can solve problems by going down a route that adds NEW problems.

I was not suggesting YOU were depressed, but the doctor could suggest a way forward for your dh and how you can best help him AND your son.

i just read this i was in a similar situation with an h who had a fabulous highly paid job and we had a big house and holidays abroad but we were scared of him My ds had behavioural problems and possible asd

i did everything i could to hold things together

h drabk too much and had an un predicatble temper/rage and told me i talked too much and stuff

he went out drinking most nights

we were getting ready to go out one day and my dd2 13 was putting her shoies on one the hall floor she was too slow for h and he kicked her and told her off

i said right you ever touch any of us again and thts it

i didnt know how to leave

i did have a massive breakdown and spent 3 months in a psychiatric hospital

its a complicated story but i did leave 5 months after i came out opf hospital

my ds was 11 and his behaviour changed completely

i know what it is like to try and try but sometimes you have to leave

i hope you find a way through this ime something breaks somewhere

i know bad idea Qes, and wouldn't do it, just how desparate i am. misundersttod about doctor suggestion, sorry.
i feel strong when i am on my own and think, thats it i will tell him to leave then he come home and either crying, sad and desparate or angry and i crumple. i know it is weak of me and if i was looking at someone else in this situation i would say leave.
not making excuses for being weak but i am in physical pain most of the time due to a spinal problem and fibromyalgia. have always had a positive attitude, thinking things will get better but i guess it is time to accept that they either aren't or i can't fix it anymore and it is time to move on. even though it might be the right thing to do it still hurts so much and i miss the man that he was.
Me and DS have our problems but we are very close at the heart of our relationship and i know i can get him through this... momma didn't say there'd be days quite like this....

I think your DH needs proper help, and needs to tslk to someone outside the family, properly. Anyone thinking right would never make you have such an ultimation.

There'd be no question for me either - no way would I ever give up my child.

can i just say i never ever considered the possibility of giving my DS up, and that was made absolutely clear to H at the time, but for right or wrong i did try to pull the family back together,. i've just got to accept that it didn't work and sadly it looks like it is over.
I absolutely agree H needs to talk to somebody,
feeling a little calmer now, thank-you, it really helps to get things off my chest even if it comes out wrong.
thank-you again

Sorry, yes - I know you didn't consider giving up DS. Hope you can get is sorted somehow.

hope i didn't offend you Hulababy.

if thumbwitch sees this can i ask for her advice on something to give me inner strength. i see what you say on other threads and relate to it. don't expect you to comment on my thread if not want to but would appreciate advice...hope this is not wrong thing to do..thanks.