crisis talks last night - think it is over

[regularlyoverwhelmed]

he wants to have sex with other people, he feels he didn't experience enough sexual partners when he was younger
he says he hasn't had an affair, but in an unconvincing way, with just too much of a delay between question and answer
he doesn't know if he wants to stick together and sort it out
he says he is still attracted to me, after a lengthy pause between question and answer
he says he "appreciates" all my efforts to spice up our sex life
he wonders whether we should talk again "next week"
I think I will ask him to leave, I think I've had enough, after 16 years of trying to support him and thinking we had something good together this is what he comes up with
fucking men!

Hello ROW, have just found your thread and read through - if there is one thing that I've read here that I would agree with 100%, it's to watch what they DO, not listen to what they SAY. For a good 8 months or so, my exDH had been acting like a single man and all sorts of bells were ringing very deeply in my subconcious, but it wasn't until I tried to hold his hand and he pushed my hand away and thrust both is hands in his pockets that my subconcious gave me a kick, and I realised something was wrong.

If you need space, then he could take the kids (as he has just done) while you swim, visit friends or go for a walk. Not bop around the bars to get out of your hair. For heaven's sake ... But it's good news that he's starting to behave a bit more considerately - really hope it continues.

Will be reading with interest, and hoping that it all works out for you.

Hi ROW - one other thing that occurred to me (and this is my own experience as well), I would suggest that you be wary of "gestures" on his part as you outlined above. I think it is great if it is genuinely a step in the right direction but it could be also an action to assuage his own guilt. He might not be doing it for the right reasons and he may be doing it to control the situation. For example the ex of a friend of mine took her to a B&B getaway when their relationship was in trouble and then bailed on her a week later anyway. In hindsight she thought he did that just so he wouldn't appear to be as much of the bad guy. I'm not saying that this is the case with you, necessarily but try not to survive on breadcrumbs when you deserve to have the whole sandwich IYSWIM.

thanks for all the messages guys - it really does help to know am not alone in this - I have told my sister and 2 close friends but I don't want to be yabbering all about it in RL and my sis (to whom I am closest and who knows OH well) is in switzerland and 37 wks pg so I don'yt want to burden her too much

you are all right, of course, actions speak louder and also about teh gesture thing - I hadn't thought of that but it does make so much sense - I will be watching things like a hawk from now on. It's shit though, having to take that approach, it's not my natural one. I am normally very trusting (and probably quite naive, but I've always been happy like that) but I feel I really need to get the self-protective streak polished up at the moment...I don't want to get lulled into false sense of security only for it all to go back to normal and then all hell to break loose in month sor years time. If the split is gonna happen I kind of want it to be soon, I don't want a lengthy interlude of nothingness either

he is away at his folks at the moment, but coming back tomorrow night. The atmosphere in the house has been SO much nicer. I have even been able to eat (oh shit - won't lose all that weight after all!) The kids have been more content, we've had some fun together. Makes me think maybe I should kick him out and it'd be calmer all the time. If only it were that simple.

I am very up an down. OScillate wildly between hating him, feeling sorry for his predicament, suspecting him of far more than he's told me, not really caring either way, feeling so hurt I burst into tears and all teh while worrying myself stupid over the kids, money, accomodation etc...It's a right old rollercoaster

However, am getting hair done tomorrow morning and going to a friends for lunch after - she knows nothing so it will be a challenge but probably quite good for me just to do teh small talk type stuff.

He is back tomorrow night. Will be interesting to see what, if anything, he has to say and what his thoughts are for the future.

right - am off to go on my exercise bike for a while and then am going to watch "atonement" which I bought myself today - it's one of those films he'd never watch (not esoteric eureopean after all). I've just read the book and loved it so am gonna settle down with my knitting and keira...

ROW

your last two paras are exactly how I was feeling just over two years ago. It is just so difficult.

I hope you have a reasonable weekend despite the turmoil.

thanks CL, I will have a reasonable weekend I am sure

he'll be back late tonight - I plan to be in bed

I will get him to take kids out - parties, swimming, and I will do some sorting I need to do in house and such like

I have an exhibition to go to on Sunday with a friend so that'll get me out then

went to see a friend who knows nothing of what's going on for lunch - she asked me towards the end was there something up, was I ok and then was everything ok with me and OH..was weird - I didn't want to lie but neither did I want to go into everything - so I just said we were having a bit of a hard time, and grinned

my other friend who I confided in last weekend was around later, but we barely talked about it - what's teh point

funny - we were supposed to be buying ikea storage for toys in the kids rooms but now I don't know whether to buy it, I may not be here in a couple of months...

I spent some time last night (instead of watching atonement ) writing a list of 6 or 7 thinsg I would feel were important in a monogamous relationship of equal partners (my sister's turn of phrase - just about sums up what I want, thought I had signed up for really) and how I felt we did against each of them - it wasn't pleasant reading...

takes a seismic shift like this to make you start looking at woods rather than trees I suppose