I've destroyed everything

[pinkpen]

I have a 5 month old ds who was born after an affair. I work away a lot and managed to keep the whole thing secret although everyone knew something was wrong.

I told my partner of 16 years last night.

My parents, brother and sisters don't know still.

I feel like the world is falling in on me. I am consumed by guilt - for my ds, my dp, my family.

I don't even really know why I am posting here. I think I just need to say it out loud.

Yes, my guilt is compounded by his financial situation as well as the fact that I am related to all his closest friends.

The guilt is unbearable.

I was 20. He moved in, took over paying the mortgage, helped support my mum, my siblings. Supported me and two siblings through university. The bond from those times is very, very tight.

you poor thing!
If you are honest with yourself, do you think you have stayed with him all these years because you feel you owe him?

If so, that is no longer a basis for a relationship. It would be so much fairer to him if you could let him go and find someone who will love him sexually as well as platonically?

I think I have got myself in a total mess. And you know what, I think he is frightened of what I'll do if he leaves me - of how I'll cope and what kind of person I'll become.

Well you will be fine. fgs you have managed to lead a double life, have two relationships, support him financially and have a baby all by your self, I think you will manage running a little household of you and ds. You must be about 36 by now, you don't need a paternal figure in your life. you are a mother now, it is a challenge that most of us not only rise to but relish. You will be fine

Thank you all. My ds is stirring now in his sling and I need to eat something. I may check in again later before or after I see G.

Thank you again. You can really not know what it has meant to me today.

Good luck and do come back and let us know how you are

it sounds a bit like G was more of a father figure to you and your siblings

It sounds as though you need to break away from being his dp whilst somehow not allowing that to drive a wedge between you and your family members who are is closest friends. That will be the hardest part. You feel that you owe him for all the support he gave you when you were young. Now the roles are reversed - you're supporting him financially. So you feel that you can't break away because he didn't let you and your family down when you needed him. Is that about right?

It's very, very difficult. Good luck for your talk later.

i wouldn' tthink of it as destroying everything.

more like making a bright new start.

you should live with you and the baby, doesnt sound like either of them are right for you tbh.

goodluck

youe done the hardest part now.

You're so hard on yourself, PP. I'm not saying that what you did was right, but it's understandable given your cicrumstances. This baby may have been concieved accidentally, but he's no accident. Things happen for a reason.

Your relationship with dp sounds like he's a fatherly figure, not a lover. You sought a real grown up passionate relationship when you got together with F, and yes you should have finished with your dp first but I can see why you couldn't.

But you need to stop this now. Stop trying to be the responsible one who doesn't make mistakes, stop being in a relationship which doesn't suit you just because it suits your family. They can have their own relationship with G, who knows, you might even be able to split amicably.

What happened with your family wasn't your fault. You've given him 16 years, you don't owe him anything. And you can't stay with someone just because they're skint. If he's a writer then he's a bright enough guy to get a regular office, shop or factory job. You have to let him stand on his own two feet now, and think about you and your baby. You're stronger than you think, you'll be ok, this bit will be the hardest.

Goodness what a sad story.

PP I really feel for you and as I read the thread I was so pleased to see that you didnt get flamed but supported.

OK, things are a bit 'icky' atm but I am sure you will work this out and you really need to tell G that you felt neglected etc and emotionally detached from him. He needs to take some of the blame for this too, I think. Lack of sex and affection could make some have an affair.

Am so sorry you couldnt confide in your family during your pregnancy. Must have been v difficult for you.

You need to decide what is best for you and ds and what you want to do. Forget everyone else and just be happy.

DO NOT disappear from Mumsnet though as we all want to know how you got on and whath happens!!

Nothing really to add that hasn't been said already, I really hope the situation works out for you and those around you xx

Your post showing the history of your relationship really helps put me in the picture of what you are going through.

It must be very difficult to share your husband with the rest of your family, that they need him almost as much as you do. He has possibly become a bit of a father figure and it must be difficult for both of you with him in that role. It may be that you are finding it difficult to establish your own new family identity.

I agree with other points mentioned here - that this is not the first time it's happened in the history of the world, don't feel ashamed. Also, it's not your fault - there's no-one to blame, you were trying to protect your family from losing their trusted friend/father figure.

And how on earth did you manage to work through all this - ? I think stopping work now is a very good idea and agree with James above that writers can get supermarket jobs too if it comes to it. Money should be the least of your worries.

If you really want my advice it would be to move on. Be honest with everyone but keep a bit of distance until they respect you in your new family unit (whether with new partner or not).

I'm not liking the sound of G all that much myself. I think he may have slightly taken advantage of pinkpen when she was in a vulnerable situation: sorry but it sounds a bit wierd that a trusted family friend moves in with the family when the father sods off and then shacks up with the daughter - the usual dynamic would be for him to pairbond with the mother.

Of course, he may be a perfectly decent chap and that's just the way it all panned out: but anyway, it sounds like pinkpen doesn't need to be his partner anymore, but if he is decent, perhaps when the dust has settled they can be friends.
Very best of luck, pinkpen, you will find lots of support on here.

hope you feel better for having heard everyone's views here - I do feel for you. If you leave G, do you think the rest of your family - your mother and two siblings - will help support him emotionally and possibly in a practical way till he finds his feet? After all, it is not just you he supported all that time ago, he supported them as well.

I realise G must be pretty special to you all. Is there any way you could talk to your family to ask them to take care of G as best they can, while he gets a over the break up with you? That's if you decide you need to part.

From your recent messages, it sounds like you have been a caring and loyal partner to G for many years - so many relationships started when you are in your early twenties end - it is not unusual for people to move on at that age, but you didn't. Even though you were not exactly child bride age, you were still on the young side to make a lifelong commitment to someone. G must see that.

As other people have said, it seems to me that that G is more like a father figure - a safe haven, almost a relative. Even if you and G do break up permanently, having a temporary break away from him to live alone with your ds may put everything into perspective. Do you think G would feel a trial separation is a good idea for the moment, while you and he come to terms with this new situation?

Pinkpen - are you OK this morning? Did anything get resolved last night?

I wont say that I have done exactly the same as you, but I have lied and cheated on my husband, and have a baby by another man. Husband knows that Ds is not his. He loves him as his own. We had a very long and hard time when I told him about the very long ( seven years on and off) affair I had. At times I thought I would never get through it, but we are made stronger than we think.

I send a huge amount of love, and understanding your way, BIG HUGS.

some people will be jugemental but they will never be harder on you than you are on your self. to forgive your self and realise that you are still you, is hard but It wil come in time. Time will help , but you have to let time unfold on its own, and try not to force soloutions. There is hurt on all sides.

take deep breaths and keep taking one day at a time.

i hope you are ok?

I just wanted to add my support and to say that reading this thread has made me feel very glad to be on Mumsnet. The sense of support is lovely

kateandjames - wow your story is amazing. I'm glad it worked out for you x