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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've destroyed everything

122 replies

pinkpen · 02/09/2008 13:25

I have a 5 month old ds who was born after an affair. I work away a lot and managed to keep the whole thing secret although everyone knew something was wrong.

I told my partner of 16 years last night.

My parents, brother and sisters don't know still.

I feel like the world is falling in on me. I am consumed by guilt - for my ds, my dp, my family.

I don't even really know why I am posting here. I think I just need to say it out loud.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 02/09/2008 15:05

Agree with everyone who has said, live with just your baby for a while and let everyone have a breathing space. It's understandable that G said have the baby adopted: he's shocked and hurt and angry - but don't feel that you have to do it for his sake. Whatever you might do with regard to a couple-relationship with F, allow him to see his son regularly, and take everything one step at a time.

It might comfort you to know you are not, by a long way, the first person this sort of thing has happened to. A few centuries ago it was happening all the time: concealed births, secret adoptions, the works. But there is no need to rush into anything with either man just now: put yourself and your DS first - and tell your family, you will need them and they will be supportive after the first shock wears off (everyone loves a new baby, really).

solidgoldbrass · 02/09/2008 15:08

It's honourable to be prepared to allow G to have his say. But never mind what he 'wants you to do': you don't have to do anything just because he tells you to. You're not his property and he is not in authority over you.
Even though he has some justification for being angry, if you have the slightest suspicion that he may become physically violent, either meet him in a public place or take someone with you (preferably a female friend) - or, if he does start getting physical, smashing plates or something, just leave and say you will talk later.

zippitippitoes · 02/09/2008 15:09

you sound vulnerable, confused and muddled

you definitely need some time living with yourt son on your own and real life support

to find out which way is up

you do sound beaten and pasiv e

clearly you are quite strong and capable within but need the time and space and help top get that energy out and working for you and your son

talk to your family if you can

are you in two different cvountries

and are you working

MascaraOHara · 02/09/2008 15:09

I think you need to consider what the biological father of your baby might want.. it sounds like he's doing a lot of the parenting..

a) it would be very fair to just remove the baby from him when he's doing nothing wrong

and

b) he might have grounds for custody

it's not about just you.. you've screwed up a whole raft of peoples lives by being an utterly selfish twat.

Tutter · 02/09/2008 15:12

solidgoldbrass talketh sense

inzidoodle · 02/09/2008 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pinkpen · 02/09/2008 15:14

I am on maternity leave. G is a writer and has been out of work for much of 2 years or so and I have supported him financially, paid the mortgage etc.

I have no plans to "just remove the baby" from his father.

I am not cold hearted. I have got myself into a terrible situation which is hurting and going to hurt a lot of people that I love very much. I know that. I also know that I have no option other than to start udoing some of the aful mess I've created somehow.

Within that I will put my ds first always.

OP posts:
dittany · 02/09/2008 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fortyplus · 02/09/2008 15:15

You know, pinkpen, all this doesn't make you a bad person, it really doesn't. You've been extremely foolish in not facing up to the situation. You've let people down and acted dishonourably to the man you've shared your life with for 16 years. But now it's time to move on for the sake of your son. G will need time to come to terms with this bombshell.

There's no question of you needing to protect your son 'from what you have become'. You have a new life now. You have let people down but who should feel entitled to cast the first stone. I've done things I'm not proud of - I've just tried to learn from them and become a better person as a result.

dittany · 02/09/2008 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pinkpen · 02/09/2008 15:19

I don't have any other children no. G and I tried for years and lost a baby.

Many years ago it came out that one of my brothers and a sister had been abused within our family. As the eldest I felt incredibly reponsible. G, who was a family friend, and I got together and he helped me rebuild our lives - including those of my mother and siblings. It has felt for a long time that he has not been mine but shared with them, nor my partner but almost a brother. Or something even more than that.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 02/09/2008 15:20

I also think you would benefit from some counselling for yourself: you sound both quite young and quite vulnerable: are a lot of the people in your life quite controlling? Because sometimes these sort of elaborate deceptions occur when the person at the centre of the mess is genuinely afraid of close family/partners/friends and sometimes justifiably so.

solo · 02/09/2008 15:20

PP. G wants to find the woman he fell in love with, but if he has slowly stopped having a sex life with you(I assume you had a 'normal' sex life at first), then he needs to be told that it's not only him that would like to find the person they fell in love with. Does he think none of this is his fault?! I think you'd be better off either on your own with Ds or with F and be a proper family. If you tried that option, it's not set in stone, so you've got further options if it doesn't work out with him.

Anglepoise · 02/09/2008 15:20

Goodness, I just want to send you a hug. This sounds as though it's the kind of thing that, with a good dollop of denial, just snowballs out of control. Wresting control back by starting to tell the truth will probably make you feel a lot better.

fortyplus · 02/09/2008 15:21

Is there any possibility that he could be gay and have a secret life of his own? Seriously... what you've just said rang massive bells about someone I once knew

solidgoldbrass · 02/09/2008 15:21

G is a family friend, is he? WOuld he happen to be a lot older than you? Frankly it sounds like, whether or not he's a nice bloke, it would be much better for you not to be in a relationship with him any longer.

tigermoth · 02/09/2008 15:22

A lot of talking is ahead of you, but the sound of it.

I am glad you are so sure you love your son and want him to be with you - this is what you must hold on to. It is your true anchor in all this IMO. It may be that the best way forward for now is to live alone with your ds till you and G have sorted out how you feel for each other, now he knows the truth.

I haven't read all the thread so this may have been covered but can you cope financially without G and F? You say you are working, so hopefully that's a 'yes'.

But would your lifestyle be radically different if you left G for F? I get the impression that G may be better off than F, but do correct me if I am wrong. But is there a risk G will feel you have kept him in the dark as he has helped provide for you?

dittany · 02/09/2008 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pinkpen · 02/09/2008 15:26

Some of these last comments have made me cry. Thank you.

I know how I got here but I didn't mean to. Every day I said I'd deal with it and I didn't. I missed G and my family so much. I went through my pregnancy carrying all this. Everyone I know thinks I am such a brilliant person. I suppose in a way I wanted someone to notice. How sad is that.

Once you learn the discipline of denying yourself any true emotions (apart from love for my son) it is easy to get here.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 02/09/2008 15:29

' Everyone I know thinks I am such a brilliant person.' Sounds as though you need to learn to see yourself as others see you

fortyplus · 02/09/2008 15:32

I don't think we should read too much into G's suggestion that pp could offer the baby for adoption. It's a kneejerk reaction. Effectively his comfortable life has just fallen apart and instinctively he will want things to return to 'normal'. This was only last night - he hasn't had time to think things through properly. He has never know the bond between parent and child except when he suffered bereavement when they lost their baby.

Whether pp wants him as part of her new life is a separate issue.

solo · 02/09/2008 15:35

Perhaps G needs you to stay because you basically are providing for him. You definitely need to do what you need to do. I hope everything works out for you, I really do.

Original poster
pinkpen · 02/09/2008 15:35

Yes G is a family friend. He is also older than me. I have wondered about a secret life of his own but no. I think I thought that to make myself feel better.

Financially I support G. F is very well off. Money will be an issue from me having gone from a very high salary to statutory maternity pay but I can cope with that.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 02/09/2008 15:37

So leaving G to fend for himself financially is compounding your guilt, presumably?

cutekids · 02/09/2008 15:39

i think you're with G because you feel sorry for him.you've got on with your life (by getting away) and let him think that everything's ok.i don't honestly think you really are IN LOVE with G at all.however, i don't think you're in love with DS'S daddy either.as alot of people have said,take some time out,live with your son on your own and think what you really want,

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