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Original poster

I've destroyed everything

122 replies

pinkpen · 02/09/2008 13:25

I have a 5 month old ds who was born after an affair. I work away a lot and managed to keep the whole thing secret although everyone knew something was wrong.

I told my partner of 16 years last night.

My parents, brother and sisters don't know still.

I feel like the world is falling in on me. I am consumed by guilt - for my ds, my dp, my family.

I don't even really know why I am posting here. I think I just need to say it out loud.

OP posts:
tiredemma · 02/09/2008 13:51

im sorry, im really confused

MascaraOHara · 02/09/2008 13:51

oh and if you work away hopw did you explain your mat leave?

if you share finances didn't he notice your lack of salary, presuming you work away a lot you have a reasonable salary

this is fun.

clarinsgirl · 02/09/2008 13:51

I'm confused. You have a DS with someone who isn't your partner. But you have been living the father of your child rather than your partner (only returning "home" sporadically).

If you are not living with your partner and now have a child with someone else, how can you think he is still your partner? In my view you have already made your choice.

I feel very sorry for your 'partner'.

zoo123 · 02/09/2008 13:51

The father of your baby, is he married/living with someone. Or have you been living with him while you've been away from home.

Flamesparrow · 02/09/2008 13:51

I like the idea of a cast list

solo · 02/09/2008 13:55

Good for you! motherhood is a wonderful, wonderful thing.
You really do need to decide what you want sweetie. Do you love either of the men? Your Ds obviously has been living either in a new place with just you or in his dads home. Have you been with him in your other mans home? could you not move in there permanently? does the other man know you are/were with someone else?
Loads of q's I know, but there's so much to think about...

fortyplus · 02/09/2008 13:55

I think it goes without saying that maybe... just maybe... you could've hoped that your 'dp' would accept the baby if he had known about the pregnancy from the outset. An affair is a BIG lie that is hard to accept... but a 5 month old BABY??

Get real, woman... you are going to have to choose between your 'dp' and your ds. And it's going to be ds, isn't it? It's got to be. You have no proper relationship with your 'dp'.

He's just the poor sod keeping house while you're away.

It's not that I'm unsympathetic towards you - it will be hard to give up your relationship of 16 years, won't it? But you're just being selfish and trying to have your cake and eat it.

You're scared of what you're losing.

Original poster
pinkpen · 02/09/2008 13:59
  1. I lived with a man, G, for 16 years. 14 of them were a "normal" relationship apart from the fact our sex life had become almost non existent.
  1. 2 years ago I started working away a lot. I had an affair with someone from work, F, that lasted 4 months. We then met again just over a year ago and slept together.
  1. I found out I was pregnant & told F - the father. I knew he was the father as I had only had sex with him. He wanted me to move in with him and to be with him.
  1. I decided I didn't want to be with the baby's father but that I wanted to be with my partner of 16 years G. I decided to have an abortion.
  1. Having lost a baby years ago I couldn't go through with the abortion. I got to the clinic and left. I didn't tell anyone.
  1. I managed to stay away for most of my pregnancy. I wasn't very big at all and although I thought every time I saw dp and my family (very close - both to me once and to dp G now) that they'd guess no one did. That made me feel even more isolated (my own fault of course)
  1. I spent more and more time with F and had our son almost 5 months ago. We have been living with him. I have seen G sporadically - him thinking I am at work. he is away a lot himself at the moment working in America so it has been a problem but not a major issue.
  1. We are supposed to be going on holiday. I can't leave ds & being unable to breathe for guilt, lies etc I told him last night.
  1. My son's dad doesn't know most of this. He knows I still love G but has said he can come to terms with that as long as I let him see his son.

  1. I am trying to sort the mess I have created out but I don't know how to go on from here.

  2. G is now waiting for me in our home to go and see him and continue the conversation we started last night.

OP posts:
Flamesparrow · 02/09/2008 14:02

Woah. Two separate lives pretty much!

Well, you have to choose.

If G can get past that much deceit and wants another man's child (doubtful) and he is the one you want, then you have to leave F completely and it be the normal visiting time etc - no time spent alone together AT ALL imo.

If you want F, then leave G.

mumblechum · 02/09/2008 14:06

Sounds to me like both F & G have been deceived by you.

To be brutally honest, I don't think your relationship with G is going to be a goer. What is either of you getting out of it?

eeewahwoowah · 02/09/2008 14:07

Do you have any idea what you want? ie what is your ideal scenario? is it for G to accept your ds and all of you to live together? If it is then I would suggest going to see G and taking ds with you.

solo · 02/09/2008 14:08

If love was complete with G, then you wouldn't have slept with F. I don't have a(much wanted)sex life with my Dp(also an odd relationship), but I've never strayed and never considered straying because I truly love him.
Go talk to G, but as I've said before, he may accept your son, he may not and giving Ds up may not mend things and you could find yourself alone and very hurt and very bitter.
At least if you went to F you may have a chance at a good life with the dad to your Ds, with your Ds iyswim.
It sounds like your family will side with G too, so you may not have them onside.

I hope you can sort it out. I really, really do.

solo · 02/09/2008 14:08

If love was complete with G, then you wouldn't have slept with F. I don't have a(much wanted)sex life with my Dp(also an odd relationship), but I've never strayed and never considered straying because I truly love him.
Go talk to G, but as I've said before, he may accept your son, he may not and giving Ds up may not mend things and you could find yourself alone and very hurt and very bitter.
At least if you went to F you may have a chance at a good life with the dad to your Ds, with your Ds iyswim.
It sounds like your family will side with G too, so you may not have them onside.

I hope you can sort it out. I really, really do.

eeewahwoowah · 02/09/2008 14:09

If you do go to see G be prepared that he may tell you to sling your hook.

zoo123 · 02/09/2008 14:09

I think that you need to see a counsellor to talk this through and decide what it is you want to do irrespective of what the two men involved are willing to do. It's a mess undoubtedly and I feel very sorry for all of you that are involved but there's always a way forward if you look.

Original poster
pinkpen · 02/09/2008 14:10

Thanks Solo. I didn't know what kind of reaction I would get. And god, more than anything right now I could do with a hug. Thank you.

OP posts:
zoo123 · 02/09/2008 14:11

Out of interest, did you want a baby and have unprotected intercourse to see if you could conceive.

Original poster
pinkpen · 02/09/2008 14:12

zoo123, no. The nasty truth is that I was very drunk.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 02/09/2008 14:13

I think you need to live on your own with ds for quite some time to decide whether or not you want a relationship with your dp or F and indeed whether they want a relationship with you.

That is your first step being independent of both mean and making your own way.

You also need to tell your family if you thin they will be supportive, actually either way they are going to find out very soon that you had ds from G so I guess you had better tell them asap.

zoo123 · 02/09/2008 14:13

Eek, well do you care for ds's father?

CarGirl · 02/09/2008 14:14

sorry about the typos!!!

BroccoliSpears · 02/09/2008 14:16

Gracious. What a pickle. Do you have children with G?

Freckle · 02/09/2008 14:17

Tbh, this sounds like the female version of a man with two families. There was a thread on here recently by a poster whose partner turned out to be married to someone else and have been carrying on a family life with both women. He was slated and castigated for it. Not sure this is much different (albeit no children with partner no.1), so uncertain how supportive MN is supposed to be.

If you don't love F, then set up home by yourself with ds. You clearly don't love G enough to be faithful, so I think that relationship is at an end.

LazyLinePainterJane · 02/09/2008 14:17

Well, I think it might be more than choosing between two men. Her DP is asking her to consider having her son adopted. May she have to choose between her son and her DP?

It seems that you have been swept away in the situation and deceit. It must have been hard to come clean. I suppose your ideal is that your dp would accept your son? You need to decide what is best for you and your DS.

Original poster
pinkpen · 02/09/2008 14:18

I do care for ds' father yes. And I love my son very much.

Denial has got me here. Lies have kept me here. Now I have to get out of it. I know that but I can't think or breathe. I feel so sick and exhausted and guilty.

OP posts: