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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've destroyed everything

122 replies

pinkpen · 02/09/2008 13:25

I have a 5 month old ds who was born after an affair. I work away a lot and managed to keep the whole thing secret although everyone knew something was wrong.

I told my partner of 16 years last night.

My parents, brother and sisters don't know still.

I feel like the world is falling in on me. I am consumed by guilt - for my ds, my dp, my family.

I don't even really know why I am posting here. I think I just need to say it out loud.

OP posts:
eeewahwoowah · 02/09/2008 14:18

your family don't know that they have a tiny new relative! you sure don't do things by halves.

Agree with CarGirl, perhaps living by yourself with ds and focusing on that relationship first might be a good idea.

It can't be great living ds's father when you both know that you don't love him so staying there isn't a long term solution.

moving back with G will be equally difficult because he now has this huge obstacle to try and overcome before he can (if he can) accept you back into his life.

a counsellor to help you through this might be a good idea because it seems that you haven't been doing any straight thinking for a while.

solo · 02/09/2008 14:20

We all do stupid things at times and we all need a big hug too.
Life sends all kinds of trials. I've had loads. I'm no angel and have, in the past done things I wish I hadn't. I go forward for my two children. I put up with a sometimes crap relationship with no sex(once in the past 2 years)because I'm in love with my Dd's daddy.

Choices need to be made, but giving up your child is not a choice I think you'll need to make. It's the men. Of course, you could always set up on your own. I've done that too...in fact I bring both my Dc's up alone. Dp is just decoration really I suppose.

MuthaHubbard · 02/09/2008 14:24

wow. i think you need space to make your mind. talk to G and F but I think you need to spend time living alone with your ds rather than making any rash decisions.

everyone makes mistakes - but don't give up your son.

EustaciaVye · 02/09/2008 14:24

Sorry but you have lied to both men. I cant see why either of them would trust you.

The best you can hope for is that F wants a good relationship with his son. I cant see how G could ever forgive you.

Or are you thinking of leaving DS with F, and going back to G without him?

Original poster
pinkpen · 02/09/2008 14:27

I am not leaving my son no. I am going to see G later today to allow him to ask all the questions he needs to before I leave I suppose.

OP posts:
EustaciaVye · 02/09/2008 14:29

Ok, Good that you are not leaving DS.

When you see G allow him to be angry and dont put words in his mouth. The adoption comment was probably from shock. Whatever his reaction may be, do you want to be with him?

taxiservice · 02/09/2008 14:32

I don't understand how your relationship functioned with G in the first place. How often did you see each other? It sounds from what you have written that you just shared a home occasionally.

I also don't understand why you didn't tell G about your affair with F long before, and particularly after you became pregnant. Were you afraid?

fortyplus · 02/09/2008 14:35

I think you're taking a positive step. You have finally faced up to the situation in as much as you have confessed to G. I think this is just too big for most of us to be able to relate to. The affair could have been forgiven but this will be too much for G to take on.
You need an amicable split from him - you don't want to hurt him or lose him, but to give yourself a chance of keeping him you should have told him about the pregnancy. Now it's about 10 months too late.

Of course you can't turn back the clock, but you are no longer the person he thought he knew.

Original poster
pinkpen · 02/09/2008 14:39

Fortyplus you've hit the nail on the head.

Taxiservice yes, I was and am afraid of losing everything. Every day I woke up saying today I'd deal with it.

OP posts:
Freckle · 02/09/2008 14:40

Not sure that this can be classed as doing something stupid or making a mistake though. Sleeping with F, having the affair, yes that was a mistake and incredibly stupid if the OP loves G. But hiding the pregnancy, the birth and the first 5 months of her child's life from G and her family sounds much, much more calculated and deliberate.

I think that G will find this very, very hard to forgive, if he ever can. Owning up to the affair, or just the pregnancy, passing it off as a one night stand, might have given the relationship with G a chance, but the deliberate concealment of the pregnancy, birth and existence of a child is something wholely different.

Piffle · 02/09/2008 14:44

pinkpen what about your family?
Tbh if they can accept you and ds unconditionally that would be the place to head while sorting your head out
I'll stick my neck out and say neither men are right for you.

I am sorry that you got into such a tailspin of deceit, what you must be feeling is unimaginable but please focus on you and your dsfor now
Heal thy mind and repai the soul,forgive yourself then it's possible to decide on a man and a future.
Really take care as this childs life will be affected in any number of ways depending on what you choose
I'd dp wanted to adopt you've got no show unless ds's father agrees which sounds unlikely atbest.

Carmenere · 02/09/2008 14:46

It is not all doom and gloom Pinkpen. although if you were a man you would be getting slated I do think that you are mainly guilty of being cowardly, which is a very common human trait.

Obviously your relationship with g is over, you realise that don't you. but on the face of it that is probably not a bad thing, it didn't sound very healthy and it would be miraculous to be able to resolve it in a manner to suit both of you and to accommodate your ds.

And f sounds relatively reasonable and you can ask him to help you set up home on your own. I think you need some time to absorb the fall out and see where life takes you without involving anyone else. Just bond with your ds, allow him a decent relationship with his dad and allow yourself some time to take stock of your life.

Oh and tell your family.

Earlybird · 02/09/2008 14:50

You've said you and G have not been physically close for a very long time. You also have systematically deceived him on every level for well over a year - so there is no emotional honesty and closeness between you either.

Can't quite see from your perspective, or G's, exactly what there is to salvage. It sounds as if the relationship ended a long time ago, but both of you have been too busy or too much in denial to do anything about it.

zoo123 · 02/09/2008 14:50

The fact that G suggested that pink's ds might be adopted makes me think that he wants her back. It's early days and he's going to need time to absorb your news. IMHO the suggestion that you should go and live on your own for a while with your ds does sound very sensible because it will give all of you breathing space. I do still think that counselling would be helpful, though, because you need to look at how you got to where you are as well (which is a long way from where you started by anyone's standards)as well as what you want to do. If G is willing to consider a future with you and that is what you want, it might be helpful for you to go as a couple. Remember that it's very early days for G and he's not had the time that you have to get used to the idea of it all.

Tutter · 02/09/2008 14:52

i'm confused- when g said adoption, does he mean for him to adopt your ds

or for him to be adopted by another family?

Tutter · 02/09/2008 14:52

sorry to be dim, am poorly

Carmenere · 02/09/2008 14:53

Adopted by another family

mayorquimby · 02/09/2008 14:53

christ your poor dp.
if i was him i'd have the locks changed before you got around.

Original poster
pinkpen · 02/09/2008 14:54

For him to be adopted.

G said that if there is anyway of getting the me he fell in love with back in his life he wants to try it.

OP posts:
taxiservice · 02/09/2008 14:55

You were afraid of 'losing everything' - it's important that you define everything so you can move your life forward in the right direction.

You sound like you are a bit insecure and unsure of your capabilities. I would keep away from both partners for a while. There will be a lot of fallout from all areas - particularly your extended family who will all have to find out sooner or later.

Would you be able to go back to your own family?

CarGirl · 02/09/2008 14:55

G wants the baby put up for adoption which won't be happening.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 02/09/2008 14:57

Have you been suffering from depression at all, PP? That can make it hard for you to face up to things. From your posts I thought it sounded like you were probably a bit lonely and neglected and that's why F happened. You say you're emotionally close to dh but if you aren't physically close - or even in the same country! - then really he's just a friend, isn't he? You may as well stay with F and be parents for your baby. I doubt your dh will ever be able to accept the baby as his own.

Whatever you choose, never ever let either of them -or anyone else- persuade you to get rid of your baby, or compromise your relationship with him. Men come and go, children come first. I hope you find a peaceful solution for you all.

Original poster
pinkpen · 02/09/2008 15:00

I know I have a lot of problems to work through. I contacted my old counsellor yesterday before I told G. I was in counselling for a year when my family collapsed (which G "saved" me from).

I don't know what to say when I see G later on. I suppose I just go and see what he wants to say or not and what he wants me to do.

OP posts:
Tutter · 02/09/2008 15:01

"what he wants me to do"

is very passive, no?

what do you want?

Original poster
pinkpen · 02/09/2008 15:04

I want to wrap my baby up and disappear somewhere just us 2 to love him and try and discover who I have become and how the hell to protect my baby from what I have become.

I want to not have hurt G. I want to not have hurt my family. I want to not have hurt myself.

OP posts: