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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

to have thrown him out?

33 replies

shatteredmumsrus · 01/09/2008 18:27

I did post on another thread about my dp going on a stag night at 5pm Sat and notsoming home til 5pm Sunday with his phone off the whole time!ds had his 1st footy match and wanted to tel his dad he scored but couldnt. I had to answer all sorts of awkward questions from the kids whilst dealing with my own upset. He came home stinking drunk and looked a right mess. And for those of you that say it was a stag night - the stag went home at 2.30 and this is not the first time dp has done this.I dont think there are any other women involved, b&bup the road. He left a note say ing he is truly sorry and he hates himself for doing this to us again and he needs help. I have no faith that he will ever change - he has been like it for the past 5 years since ive known him.AIBU?

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Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 01/09/2008 18:28

Sorry it was meant to say that he is in a b&b up the road

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Majeika · 01/09/2008 18:30

No you are not being unreasonable.

did he say why he did it??

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 01/09/2008 18:36

No but i know why. When we met he was a DJ around Birmingham and so staying out til god knows what time came with the territory but after ds came along he stopped DJ ing but still had the odd mad night out - ending up in a mess on a Sunday morning.we have argued about it for 5 years and he has changed and stopped it but every now and again he reverts back to the way he was.He has a partner and children to think of now and shouldnt behave like that. He has always been a big drinker, not every night but when he does he doesnt stop.People comment about how fast he drinks and we were all out at a charity fun day with the kids and he thought it was ok for me to take the children home and he carry on drinking til 12am!Its the way he was brought up - I cant stand any of his family, they ar all the same

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limecrush · 01/09/2008 18:41

I don't think this problem is uncommon shattered, but imo it is a very hard one to solve.

At least he acknowledges needing help.

Majeika · 01/09/2008 18:42

sounds like he needs the AA to me.

Binge alcoholic, I think they call it.

Tell him if he gets help he can come home but he has to give up the booze!

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 01/09/2008 18:49

We have been there before tho. He stopped drinking in the house. He usually goes out Mon to football training, tuesday to the pub, Weds football training, Friday and Sunday afternoon to the pub. He is a good dad and has a job but there are other things that bug me too. I hate swearing in front of children but he thinks its ok on occasion adn said there was a debate on the radio about it.Women saying it was wrong and men saying it doesn matter occasionally. He shouts at the kids for things that are minor and doesnt speak to them respectfully sometimes either. In fact he pisses me off and i dont like him.So does that mean i dont love him?Im so confused and in a real state atm.If he was with someone else id be hurt, does that mean i love him? He is best man at our friends wedding friday and i have just rang and cancelled my dinner place there as i dont think its wise for me to go and im not in the mood, I feel like punching his head in for what he has done again!I sound like a nutcase

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limecrush · 01/09/2008 18:54

You don't sound like a nut at all.

He doesn't sound supportive enough to me and seems to be out nearly every day of the week? is that really on??

If you love him and want to keep it going it sounds like change is in order.

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 01/09/2008 19:06

I know you are right.He always says 'you should see the blokes at work and how often they go out- you dont know how lucky you are'. HA HA HA HA! I dont think so luv! He is very sporty and not a slob. I go aerobics for an hour on a tues and thurs - he goes footy for 2 hours on a monday and a weds. Then he goes for a drink 2 nights and then on a Sunday after noon. Am I sounding like im trying to justify it? Yes i do. He always says im a drama queen so i always think to myself is really that big a deal. I know the grass isnt green er on the other side but doo i settle for this - im only 30? The other thing is that I cannot afford our £650 mortgage either!And the obvious heartache of the children. Help..................

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Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 02/09/2008 17:46

Please dont leave me yet mnetters. He is staying up the road in a b&b but is trying to get somewhere more permanent. e said he is going to aa tonight and will do whatever to get us back. Children are upset by it all - especially the 8yo.He has come and taken them to the park for a bit. Then he will go and leave me with the upset. I know I kicked him out but he was the 1 that acted like an arse. Do I 'make him sweat' and ge him time to think about what he has done or what? The children are my priority but I could not live in the same house as him for a minute longer. I have softened today and am thinking that this isnt permanent just a temporary split to give us time apart. He has text me today apologising over and over again but have been through all this before and its the same old story. I dont think he will or can change. ADVICE PLEASE....

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taxiservice · 02/09/2008 17:54

Oooooh. Am I the only woman on here that occasionally stays out til 5am with friends at parties? Without their partner?

If he's an alcoholic fair enough. That's a big issue that you need to sort out. But not long ago I tiptoed back into the house and my daughter was just getting up. My OH just tutted and rolled his eyes.

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 02/09/2008 17:59

I said 5PM that means he stayed our 24 hours???

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taxiservice · 02/09/2008 18:23

What was he doing til 5pm?

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 02/09/2008 18:52

Said he was round his mates drinking. I enjoy the late nights myself occasionally but not a 24 hour session!Without so much as a txt!

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taxiservice · 02/09/2008 20:07

Fair enough, but if he'd drunk that much through the night he wouldn't have been much use to you the next day - he may have known that. The likelihood is he simply crashed out and lay there feeling guilty, forgot about the footy. But. He should have contacted you at least, or remained contactable.

It does sound like he's learnt his lesson from what you say. I'm not taking his side at all, just being devil's advocate. Do his friends not have children? That's a problem sometimes.

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 02/09/2008 20:11

No they dont. He continued drinking until the minute he got back, he wasa wrecked when he walked thru the door. He has gone to aa tonight and has txt saying he feels like he is losing it and can he stay here. I said no. I have to be srong on this one, its happened do many times before

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swiftyknickers · 02/09/2008 20:15

see i think it is not that he stayed out till 5pm cos i reckon we all deserve a blow out everynow and then, i think there are other issues here...

anyway yes he should havephoned but do think maybe a bit harsh to chuck him out IMHO

Taxi service, i stayed up all night a couple of weekends ago and it was so much fun, DS was very inquisitve to why i was wearing my clothes at 7am and watching the olympics!!!

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 02/09/2008 20:24

I love going out but im finding it harder to cope as i get older.I have had many a night in Birmingham going out at 9 and getting in at 6am. And i loved it but id never dream of staying out til 5pm and not letting dp know.I admit i was unhappy anyway because of hi drinking and mood swings. I love a blow out but that was taking the piss!

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izyboy · 02/09/2008 20:26

Ok, I know I would not be able to cope with this behaviour. It sounds like my neighbour's husband (they are now divorced).

It is probably the right course to suggest you have a trial period whereby he goes to AA and you live apart. Then, if you wish, agree jointly how you both like to proceed if you live together again - some 'me' time but he is currently taking the piss.

Obviously he will always have to atttend AA probably for the rest of his life in some form or other.

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 02/09/2008 20:30

Thankyou Iyzboy I never banked on being with an alcoholic when we got togther.That wasnt part of the deal. I have 2 small boys to look after and think of.I cant cope with looking after him too. Im also scared is problems will result in our sons becoming alcoholics

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izyboy · 02/09/2008 20:34

Yep well my neighbour felt the same way. SHe tried really hard to save the marriage but he would just go AWOL - like your DP. It was soul destroying. However he NEVER agreed to attend AA so there is a lifeline in your case if you both want it.

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 02/09/2008 20:36

I suppose time will tell but i dont hold much faith and im ot sure i will help him by feeling negative. I do no that he will never be able to do it alone

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izyboy · 02/09/2008 20:39

Well do you want to support him if you have a 'trial' break. meet up for a coffee to chat with the long term aim of him coming back. He has to prove himself first tho'. Alcoholism is a terrible affliction.

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 02/09/2008 20:44

I was very angry Sunday and yesterday but im calm today and im upset for him and feel sorry for him. He looks like broken man. I wish i had a crystal ball to know if me wasting any more time on him pays rewards.

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izyboy · 02/09/2008 20:53

Well would you support a friend who was an alcoholic? Somewhat different I know - however - having your DH on an 'even keel' will be helpful in the long run even if you do split up - he can be a better father for a start.

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 02/09/2008 20:55

Thats a rally good point but if i do support him and decide that i dont want to be with him it may confuse him

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