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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So my SIL has been staying for four weeks and

34 replies

MrsFogi · 29/08/2008 08:11

has left this morning. She said thank you last night "Thanks for letting me stay". I need to get this off my chest or I'll kill dh - No presents for dds whilst here. She has left a mess in every room in the house (piles of receipts, piles of clothes, piles of hangers, towels on the floor, she may as well still be here she doesn't seem to have packed etc etc). She left the bed in a mess (and got stains on my duvet cover). And to top it all off she has left about 10 bags of various sizes and nonchalantly (sp?) said "oh if you can bring them with you when you come on holiday otherwise mum and dad will pick them up at some point" - so the choice is have them stacked in my house for months or fill up the car with them when we go on hols (so maybe I should not bring the buggy or something so I can fit it in). Excuse incoherence of post I am livid!!!!

So - do I have a fit at her when I next see her or do I smile sweetly?

OP posts:
maidamess · 29/08/2008 08:13

I think its a bit late! You maybe should have said something about the room ("The Hoovers on the landing if you want to borrow it") while she was there.

As for her bags of crap, can't you ring her and say they are taking up too much room and she'll have to come and collect them?

theressomethingaboutmarie · 29/08/2008 08:13

I understand why you are cross but I don't think that her not giving your dd's presents is an issue. Her complete lack of respect for your home however, is another issue. I think that the horse has bolted in terms of speaking with her about tidiness. I'll assume that she was messy throughout her stay and you really should have picked her up on it (or got your husband to) from the off.

Sorry to not be more helpful. Have a big glass of wine tonight, get it off your chest with DH and then forget about it.

nell12 · 29/08/2008 08:16

Smile sweetly... blood is thicker than water and all that.

Dont have her to stay again

My MIL is v similar, when she stayed last (MIL and FIL live in S France) she came over on the plane and bought a lawnmower while she was in England for "whomever drives to their house next" to bring with them

tigermoth · 29/08/2008 08:16

She sounds very thoughtless. Did you expect her to be like this or did it take you by surprise? During her 4 week stay, did she help you or pay towards anything?

RubySlippers · 29/08/2008 08:17

but you have let her get away with it!

all house guests need a briefing - they can help themselves to food but replace things they finish, put money in the kitty, instructions on how to use the washing machine etc

is she very young?

agree with Maid - she needs to come and get her stuff

if she is ever to stay again set the ground rules first

PortAndLemon · 29/08/2008 08:20

If you were going to tackle her about it you should have done it at some point (preferably early on) in the four weeks. You aren't going to achieve anything other than ill-feeling by letting a month of built-up frustration out now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/08/2008 08:23

Do neither but certainly don't have her to stay ever again no matter how much she could plead. Throwing a wobbly at freeloaders has no effect anyway and particularly so when they've left.

Under what circumstances did your SIL come to stay with you for 4 weeks?. I gues you neither charged or expected her to pay rent. What has your DH had to say about all this, if anything?.

No presents for your daughters from her is the very least of it. The fact that she's come in and disrespected you all by leaving your house in a mess is more important. Did either of you tackle her re the mess whilst she was there?.

I think your DH and you have learnt a harsh lesson here, simply put this woman has freeloaded off you both. She seems also to have her Mum and Dad running around after her (more fool them also). As for what to do with her stuff now - I would take it to the charity shop for disposal and put the rest in black bags for the dustman. If these things meant that much to her she would have taken them on leaving.

Original poster
MrsFogi · 29/08/2008 09:58

The house was a mess for most of the time she was here as we had builders in so I couldn't really complain to her as she had to fit in round them but they finished a couple of days ago. She left for the US very early this morning so our goodbyes were said last night - she was packing, mentioned there may be a couple of small bags to take to her parents'/she'd leave (which would have been ok), when I went to bed to feed dd2. I get up this morning to find the stuff.....
I've binned all the receipts for slap up meals at Nobu etc etc - she paid for one noodle takeaway whilst she was here!
I'm considering using all the very expensive toiletries and makeup she's left in the bathroom (lids off and everything - no doubt expecting me to dutifully put drain the lids, put them on, pack them and transport/store them.
As for the rest, I feel like burning it.....
Ooooh I'm livid.

OP posts:
Anglepoise · 29/08/2008 10:56

Put them in storage and charge her

Original poster
MrsFogi · 29/08/2008 11:04

I'd love to Anglepoise but if dh's family's past form is anything to go by she'd "forget" to pay me back for the storage.

OP posts:
cornsilk · 29/08/2008 11:05

Is she a bit of a princess?

beanieb · 29/08/2008 11:05

I can't see why she should have to provide presents for your daughters.

She also says "otherwise mum and dad will pick them up at some point" so tell her that's what you expect to happen.

Lazarou · 29/08/2008 11:06

I would take the bags down the tip

beanieb · 29/08/2008 11:14

that would be a good idea Lazarou. and then have a lovely holiday with her later... not.

so she's a bit of a slattern, so she eats at nobu, so she is taking advantage, so she didn't buy presents for the children... so what!

it's your SIL not some random stranger who's taking the piss.

Lazarou · 29/08/2008 11:16

I would also insist on crushing them myself

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/08/2008 11:34

MrsFogi

What has Mr F had to say about the SIL's freeloading?. Not at all surprised to also read that she'd "forget" to pay you back for any storage costs you'd incur.

As stated earlier, I'd dispose of all of the stuff she has left behind. If she had really wanted it she'd had taken it with her.

That may all sound very hard but freeloaders are adept at taking the piss out of nice people who let them live in their home.

2rebecca · 29/08/2008 12:34

Do you have an attick? If so I'd put them in there and tell her they may get dusty. Otherwise I'd get your husband to ring his mum to pick them up. It sounds as though you should have checked the room before she left though if she mentioned she'd left something. I wouldn't worry about the presents thing, but do think you should have been stricter with her when she was there.
A phone call saying "we don't have room for all this stuff, it's alot more than 2 bags can you please arrange for them to be removed within the week, we can't fit them and all our stuff in the car."
She sounds thoughtless and selfish but you sound unassertive.

Original poster
MrsFogi · 29/08/2008 14:03

Ok so I'm seeing that this is not as black and white as I thought. I was ok with her leaving a couple of bags. I am not ok with her leaving a pile of bags and various items strewn around the house. Let's forget the idea that I would have expected some sort of token of her appreciation of being allowed to stay rent free etc for four weeks (ie a couple of gifts for the dds). What do I do now? SIL is on the other side of the Atlantic, PIL are in mainland Europe and are unlikely to be over for a few months, we are going on holiday and usually the car is full to the rafters with our stuff. Clearly I"m going to have to clear her stuff from around the house as I cannot live with piles of "stuff" in the middle of various rooms - do I say anything? What to do with all the stuff - if it stays here it will be piled up in the corner of a room (no attic), if we take it in the car I will have to sacrifice a load of stuff I'd otherwise take on holiday. Do I now assert myself and tell SIL I"m annoyed?

OP posts:
smallwhitecat · 29/08/2008 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KerryMum · 29/08/2008 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lazarou · 29/08/2008 14:12

What were the stains on the duvet cover from?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/08/2008 14:19

Your freeloader SIL struck gold when she stayed with you for 4 weeks (and rent free as well. If this woman can eat out at Nobu you should certainly have charged her rent, family or otherwise). Unfortnately neither you nor your DH were assertive enough with her and now you're having to clear up her piles of stuff that she's left behind.

No real point asserting yourself now to her, you should have done that 4 weeks ago when she moved in and when her mess first appeared. I realise you had the builders in and that causes stress of its own but your SIL has taken the mick big time here and you're still wondering what to do about her stuff she's left beind.

All the stuff that she has left behind gets put in to black bags for disposal by the dustmen (if none of it can go to the charity shop). Its the only way, she would have taken it with her if it meant that much to her. Why should you have to take her stuff on holiday with you or let it fester further in your house as a reminder.

PortAndLemon · 29/08/2008 14:33

Can you put stuff in garage, if you have one? Or get plastic crate and stick it in the garden, if you have one? I don't think you can throw it out if you didn't say anything when she was leaving it (although I do think you should have told her then that you weren't going to store her stuff for het).

Weegle · 29/08/2008 14:38

I would simply get a box - clear everything AS IS in to the box - so if lids aren't on bottles etc, that's how they go in the box. Put the box and the bags under the spare bed or something, out of the way. Quick email to SIL "very sorry we won't be able to fit all your stuff in the car as it would mean we need to leave something out, you can pick it all up next time you're here". End of.

batters · 29/08/2008 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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