Another "husband drops the bombshell" thread.....advice please..

[LostinOz]

Ok, won't bore you with details, but finally my husband has been honest with me and said that he is feeling lost, like he is drifting and that he does not know if he wants to or can do what he knows he needs to do to keep our marriage together.

He wants to go and se a counsellor, and wants some space to work his head out. We live in Australia, family are in the UK. Have DS (nearly 4)

What is better, stay and co habit whilst he works out what he wants (I want to work at it and have been trying to so so for ages with no response), we are good friends there is no rowing etc, then when we do need to talk we can do it face to face, or go back to the UK for a while and let him have proper disctance.

By doing that we are quite literally a world apart, which has it's pluses (e.g he can feel what it really will be like without us) but will the not having face time be a problem???

He travels extensivly anyway, most weeks, school hols are coming up here and he is away for nearly all of them overseas.

Any advice please, don't need any "throw him out and change the locks" advice, it is just not like that. He is very emotionally closed and has become more and more distant over the years since DS was born. I am just lonely and it is affecting my self esteem massivly, not to the point that he thinks it is cruel to me to carry on when he does not think he can or wants to change,

He said to me " do you want to be with a bloke who does x" I said no.

He said you do you want to be with a bloke who does y" I said no

same z

Prob should move onto lone parents threads.
Nice pizza on wat home tho (to cheer self xxup) amazing what lard does for the soul

bring on the high fat, high sugar comfort foods! Although I went the other way and couldn't eat at all (except bananas and v.v.v.weak sweet milky coffee) and lost 1 1/2 stone in 4 weeks. I think Humanbean is doing better than that - she has lost 3 stone over 3 months, iirc.

when your H was asking you about x,y,and z, where they his own behaviours he was talking about? Or was he testing you out for the sort of bloke you might be looking for in the future?

Do you think that you will still be friends after the dust settles? I mean, I can't see why you wouldn't be - surely he isn't going to just troll off and abandon you both completely?

Hi LiO

hope your pizza was good - just wanted to say I empathise completely with what you said about "whilst feeling quite excited and liberated about the future, also a bit terrifed that my security is up the swanny". We haven't quite reached our conclusions yet but everytime I think about the possibility of him leaving I feel like that. Also like wanting to bawl my eyes out and puke my guts up.

I guess it is all very natural.

You seem to be doing really well. Was it the counsellor asking you the q's about X, Y, Z? if so sounds like they are helping you reach the right conclusions for you, which is great

We will be friends, and are now.

The counsellor was asking the q's. Made the answers seem so obvious.

Does not make it easier. Right answer I am sure, still have all thr emotions to go through to get there, tired now, more chat later xx

have a good sleep xx

it's a very tough time but you are doing really really well. Can you have a little break - do something nice for yourself...massage, yoga etc etc etc??? I am sure the pilates and swimming is helping me, and I am going for haircut at weekend and will see if can get massage or facial too - jeez I'll be broke

if you are anything like me you'll be feeling battered and bruised - some nice relaxing thing to help you body and soul would be really good I think

sleep tight and take care

Thanks, I do feel battered and bruised, also going back to work, meeting new boss tomorrow but fulltime from Mon, not worked for 2 years.

Got really angry this am again, we have a school hol here in a couple of weeks and due to me being at work I will need to find cover.My DH knows I hate leaving my ds in the kids club, my ds does not like it (they mix all the kids and there are a lot of older boys and it's all a bit rough and tumble - all boys together). DH is going overseas for 10 days out of the 2 week school hols. I asked is he could take a day or half day the second week to minimise kids club, as usual he said no, he would be busy in the office as he would have been out of it for so long.

We are just SO last on his list.

The counsellor focused on abandonment, the fact that I and actually we, were aboandoned from the start, he has just left it all to me (parenting), and then abandoned me as his wife too.

I refuse to be the victim, but he keeps doing it on different levels every day and I feel let down. If I expect nothing then I won't be let down anymore.

Thanks for the body and soul tips, good ones, I have bought some lovely secnted candles and room scenteners for my room. I am usually really strict with my diet, but have been very relaxed.

I know life will improve and the friends here have been really supportive, rang a couple of them just before logging on and they are falling over themselves to have my DS in the hols, so problem solved, don't need to rely on DH.

you are no victim.

You've always been in charge of your family.

Now you take charge for your happiness too.

You should feel empowered if anything.

He will not let you down anymore because you will not allow him anymore.

Be good to yourself.

To right, especially about the letting him part. Cheers slim.

Am coming to Singapore in Oct for a week with work, that will be fun!!

Nice!

let me know if you have time to meet up or need any info. There is a little gang of lovely mumsnetters here.

What do you do?

Work in HR, Acccenture?

how are you doing today LiO? hope you still on top of things

You are very very sweet ROW xxxx

Today I am getting ready to go back to work full time tomorrow. I am OK, like everyone have good moments and bad. Yesterday is was my DS's 4th birthday. I was reminded about the lack of engagment my DH has with our son when once again he did not know what we had bought my son (has never actaully been around at any of his birthdays), when or where the party was, who was coming etc.

When we got there, he saw how all the others Dad's engaged, it was at a soft play place and all the Dad's were climbing on the stuff, shooting down the slides, having a laugh. Normally my DH would be standing back, but he did play with DS which was good. Everyone had a great time and on the way home in the car I had a weak moment, and said, how are we going to have normal birthdays etc. Then later when my DH put the football on again and told me to stop making him food as he wants to do things for himself now, and then this morning when he got up and pulled a face when i said that I needed some help today to get ready to go back to work, was a self centred person he is. Would love him to say, "what can I do to support you", not a chance!!

Reading lots of nice books, eating well, joined face book and cannot believe I have not done it before, found loads of old pals etc.

Work will be interesting, very very full on, long hours and travel. Only for 4 months, then I will be re skilled back up and can make some choices.

Seeing a lawyer tomorrow, want to know my rights as a person in Aus on a visa and an indication of possible settlements. I have been very open about this and asked if DH wanted to come too. I just want to understand the guidelines, not do anything behinh his back. The money I am earning will go into the joint account, no way will I start any of that funny business.

How are you all doing mumsnetters xxxx

HELLO,

I'M IN AWE OF YOU.
YOU ARE JUST GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS AND GETTING YOUR LIFE BACK AT SUCH A PACE!

KEEP IT UP!

HAPPY BDAY TO YOUR LOVELY DS AND SENDING YOU LOTS OF GOOD VIBES FOR TOMORROW

XXX

Thanks Slim. Sometimes I feel great, was out running today and it occurred to me that I have been working (off and on due to kids) for 14 years, and I thought to myself, "where do I see myself in the future". My DS is 4, so I have another 14 years of him fully at home (I do hope he wants to got uni and live out, I did and loved it, his choice of course tho, but assuming he does..), in 14 years I will be 50. I can see a whole world opening up between now and then.

I think it is going to be really hard when slowly slowly my DS admits he is going to be a sat afternoon and sunday morning Dad. I can see it coming. Yesterday we had the party, this morning he tool my DS to the park and was moaning as I had booked cinema tickts this pm to see Wall E but did not want to go as wanted to get PC up and running, uniforms done for the week, bits and bobs to make my first week back easier. I asked my DS if he minded if I didn't go but he could take a pal, and he jumped for joy. My DH face said it all, bad enough with one kid but 2....

I told him after the cinema (finished about 4pm), he could do what he liked, so he is going to the gym and then watching the rugby he recorded. He just does NOT GET IT. Most dads would feel priviliged to eb able to go to the cinema, eat popcorn, watch kids films with adult inuendos to keep the adults amused.

In some ways I am looking forward to the next stage, I know exacly where I am and can stop feel let down by DH.

How are you slim?? Do you like Singapore, I love it there, you?

Big thanks for the follow up, I am over doing the "he did this, he did that" with anyone, as the news is out and it is just all negative chat. Helps posting it on here and the really fast typing is really stress releiving!!! XXXX